my emotionally exhausting weekend was emotionally and exhausting
so i've been away for the weekend- back to my paternal home because my mother celebrated her 50th birthday
and loads of stuff happened
by sunday morning i was so tired i cried because of the lack of sleep...
it was embarrassing because my parents and my grandparents were still around
but you know i came home on thursday after work around 10pm o'clock
i didnt go to sleep because i was afraid of oversleeping (i finally gave in about 1 am in the morning only to get up at 3,30am to do the packing and go to the train and go home). i napped a little in the train but really i couldnt sleep well...
friday i spent shopping for my mothers b-day party and spent the rest of the night preparing for it and also making a last min gift for my mum ordered by one of her friends... went to bed again around 1am... got up again about 6am
and then it was saturday and well more preparations and then the party and i was awake without sleep until 4.45am on sunday when i was finally in the hotel room after the party and after i was showered and was able to go to bed
but at this point my mind was already so awake that from 6.30 i couldnt sleep and stared at the clock for it to MOVE! but it didn't...
was the first one down for breakfast- which really, really was bad for me - because aunt
and then i cracked and cried because tired
spent the rest of sunday in bed after everything was done
but today i'm still exhausted... and i worked on a monday i'm not happy with that, i dont work on mondays!
and its even harder when i go by train to vienna and have to work right after my arrival...
but finally its over!
and tonight i slept so hopefully my mind will go back to normal
it was long
but well also fun
however due to me being so tired i was afraid of falling asleep
and also my mothers friends that i like best and which i hid out last year at my fathers bday were sick and i had to hide with another group which i ain't that familiar with - but scary family is scary and my ant was with them...
so yeah i'm mostly just happy that its done and that i survived and that my mother was happy... i had more fun last year but i was also more awake last year so i blame it partly on the sleep which was missing
i have loads of troubles with my mother- i hate her as a mother, but i care for her as a person, my mother's sister is now just dead to me, that women has no manners- everything should be done for her, nothing is good enough for her either and she commands my mother around all day- there is never any "please" or even more any "thank you"!
but the worst is she is always saying stuff like: "you are so malicious" "you are such a grasping person!" "you are evil" etc etc to me but on sunday after my sleepless night in the morning where i really just tried to get through it all because not only family remained but other folks too, she demanded i come to her and talk to her now- i didnt say a word- but she told me: "as far as i can see it, i'm not guilty of anything..." and then there came some accusations
that morning really she just died to me!
i will never be at my parents home when she is there! and i will never invite her
and one day in the far away future should my parents maybe die before her- she is so not setting a foot in that house again! i dont care where she goes, but she wont stay with me! she should just stay in germany and leave me the hell alone! because its ok for her to tell me all sorts of mean stuff but i'm still the bad girl?
no!
i'm to tired of this shit, really i just want o be left alone!
according to everyone my life alone will also be no problem than apparently with 28 (close to my 29th bday) i am now not any longer able to find a life- partner because i'm too old...
i heard it so often this weekend i dont care anymore
yes maybe i would have liked to become a mom one day too, yes maybe a nice family would have been nice...
but seeing how broken my home is, and how broken and exhausted i am already, i can faithfully say that that dream would never have worked out anyway, so saying good bye to it isn't really that bad, and its save. i'm barely able to be responsible for myself, i can't imagine taking on more responsibility - its way to frightening!
and anyway at the moment i'm enjoying my life so far, and i have still some points i need to work on- mostly my graduation, getting new job and working towards drivers-license, so really i'm rather busy...
well, my life-rant is over, finally and now that i have written most of it down i feel calmer again *lucky me for having this journal*
on the other hand OMG ppl i'm so excited!!!
there will be hd_owlpost postings starting today - and CAN you believe it i handed it in in time- no extensions - that i managed that is due to awesome beta! i would never have managed it without her!
also saras_girl story will start today too
and there is going to be hd_erised and the slythindor100 advent writings yay for december!
also as time moves forward i have to give more attention back to hp_shoreofangst so that the prompting will go smoothly comes february!
EXCITEMENT!
and because i have some humor left - i laughed hard at this pic:
and loads of stuff happened
by sunday morning i was so tired i cried because of the lack of sleep...
it was embarrassing because my parents and my grandparents were still around
but you know i came home on thursday after work around 10pm o'clock
i didnt go to sleep because i was afraid of oversleeping (i finally gave in about 1 am in the morning only to get up at 3,30am to do the packing and go to the train and go home). i napped a little in the train but really i couldnt sleep well...
friday i spent shopping for my mothers b-day party and spent the rest of the night preparing for it and also making a last min gift for my mum ordered by one of her friends... went to bed again around 1am... got up again about 6am
and then it was saturday and well more preparations and then the party and i was awake without sleep until 4.45am on sunday when i was finally in the hotel room after the party and after i was showered and was able to go to bed
but at this point my mind was already so awake that from 6.30 i couldnt sleep and stared at the clock for it to MOVE! but it didn't...
was the first one down for breakfast- which really, really was bad for me - because aunt
and then i cracked and cried because tired
spent the rest of sunday in bed after everything was done
but today i'm still exhausted... and i worked on a monday i'm not happy with that, i dont work on mondays!
and its even harder when i go by train to vienna and have to work right after my arrival...
but finally its over!
and tonight i slept so hopefully my mind will go back to normal
it was long
but well also fun
however due to me being so tired i was afraid of falling asleep
and also my mothers friends that i like best and which i hid out last year at my fathers bday were sick and i had to hide with another group which i ain't that familiar with - but scary family is scary and my ant was with them...
so yeah i'm mostly just happy that its done and that i survived and that my mother was happy... i had more fun last year but i was also more awake last year so i blame it partly on the sleep which was missing
i have loads of troubles with my mother- i hate her as a mother, but i care for her as a person, my mother's sister is now just dead to me, that women has no manners- everything should be done for her, nothing is good enough for her either and she commands my mother around all day- there is never any "please" or even more any "thank you"!
but the worst is she is always saying stuff like: "you are so malicious" "you are such a grasping person!" "you are evil" etc etc to me but on sunday after my sleepless night in the morning where i really just tried to get through it all because not only family remained but other folks too, she demanded i come to her and talk to her now- i didnt say a word- but she told me: "as far as i can see it, i'm not guilty of anything..." and then there came some accusations
that morning really she just died to me!
i will never be at my parents home when she is there! and i will never invite her
and one day in the far away future should my parents maybe die before her- she is so not setting a foot in that house again! i dont care where she goes, but she wont stay with me! she should just stay in germany and leave me the hell alone! because its ok for her to tell me all sorts of mean stuff but i'm still the bad girl?
no!
i'm to tired of this shit, really i just want o be left alone!
according to everyone my life alone will also be no problem than apparently with 28 (close to my 29th bday) i am now not any longer able to find a life- partner because i'm too old...
i heard it so often this weekend i dont care anymore
yes maybe i would have liked to become a mom one day too, yes maybe a nice family would have been nice...
but seeing how broken my home is, and how broken and exhausted i am already, i can faithfully say that that dream would never have worked out anyway, so saying good bye to it isn't really that bad, and its save. i'm barely able to be responsible for myself, i can't imagine taking on more responsibility - its way to frightening!
and anyway at the moment i'm enjoying my life so far, and i have still some points i need to work on- mostly my graduation, getting new job and working towards drivers-license, so really i'm rather busy...
well, my life-rant is over, finally and now that i have written most of it down i feel calmer again *lucky me for having this journal*
on the other hand OMG ppl i'm so excited!!!
there will be hd_owlpost postings starting today - and CAN you believe it i handed it in in time- no extensions - that i managed that is due to awesome beta! i would never have managed it without her!
also saras_girl story will start today too
and there is going to be hd_erised and the slythindor100 advent writings yay for december!
also as time moves forward i have to give more attention back to hp_shoreofangst so that the prompting will go smoothly comes february!
EXCITEMENT!
and because i have some humor left - i laughed hard at this pic: