[Fic:] Not a change, just an Not a Change, just an Adjustment Chapter 35
Title: Chapter 35 Ever Gnawing Doubts
Author :
smirkingcat
Rating: PG-13
Word Count : 2.507
Notes:
find part one lj, dw
as usual all the thanks and gratitude to
themightyflynn for the beta, who is sticking with me through the good, the bad, the exasperated and everything else
written for December 2019 Prompt 1: Keeping it a secret while attending hogwarts from hp_BunInTheOven
Summary: If only he could stop the thoughts running havoc in his mind.
Warnings: fluff, flangst, mpreg, D/s- subtext, OOC, heavy future angst planned
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Ever Gnawing Doubts
Blaise sat up in the bed, unable to sleep. He had not been right: even after a week his mother was still here. Furthermore, she caused a whirlwind of action around Severus and him. She had dragged Severus all over the place. As far as Blaise knew, they were checking out the Prince grounds.
They also had had tea with Narcissa, and he had been told by Severus that the women had taken over the wedding planning. Blaise could not help but feeling irked by the comment. Which made no sense, because about a week ago, he didn't even want a marriage, and now he certainly didn't want the wedding as it was happening, so why should he care? But a part of him did, and he hated it.
He looked over to the other side of the bed, where Severus was sleeping. The rush of anger was not unexpected, but frightening. The man simply accepted everything without a word of protest, and without talking to him.
Carefully, he slipped out from beneath the sheets and stood up. He hated how his body felt so odd, how his feet felt like they were constantly walking through heavy water.
He walked down the stairs and then left his quarters. He should feel at home here, but he didn't any longer. Though his mother never left her wing, the whole house felt different. And that was not all. He had suddenly become a bystander in his own life. He had always been rather passive, simply going with the flow, but at least he got to choose the flow he took. All of this felt like he was being pushed in a direction he never wanted his life to go. Certainly his life had not been perfect, but it had been his, and it had been comfortable. And now it was just...
And there was more. He felt... restless, off kilter. It was like he was back at Hogwarts, and he wanted something, but he could not even name it. But back then at least he knew how he could get it... Now he knew that he was wanting his Master's attention, but he just didn't know any longer how to get it. Most of the time, if his mother didn't have her claws in him, Severus was busy with his research, setting up and working in the potion lab, and attending meetings with Lucius and other friends. Though he had made sure that he was there, when Blaise went to his healer appointment, and they usually had dinner together with his mother. However, there was no time for themselves.
He walked down to the orchard Severus had started to use for some of his more common potion herbs, which were too mediocre to have been grown before. He himself knew that it was ridiculous to come here, but he didn't know where else to go.
He was afraid of the future. After all, this was not how they did things. When they met for a weekend, or even for a week, then it was all about them, their pleasure, and their time together. Life took a pause, and when they returned to it, Blaise liked to think that Severus just like he himself felt calmer, and once again more settled in his skin.
He walked through the orchard and into the lab. It was weird to recognise Severus' utensils in his home: the accurate hand scale, the copper mortar, and the different cauldrons that bore the insigna of many famous companies. The pheasant quills that Severus preferred to geese or ravens, his seal, and many, many more knick knacks which Blaise recognised from Severus' home or lab. They had become a familiar sight, on Severus' desk, strewn over his book cases. It was disconcerting that all those things were now in this lab, and not in their quarters. Certainly it made sense for the potion tools, but the rest?
He understood the need to have space just for oneself, and certainly the house was big enough, but besides his clothes and some books, nothing of Severus' had found its way in what essentially was to become their quarters. Maybe they should move into other rooms? Maybe Severus didn't like his décor? Blaise sighed. It was useless having such thoughts as long as Severus didn't tell him anything.
He went towards the apothecary's cabinet in the back and looked at all the labels for the ingredients that Severus had written. Blaise had high appreciation for the art that potions were. It was a fascinating subject and he always enjoyed research related to potions. Yet, with sitting in class next to Draco and watching Severus work, Blaise soon understood that he simply didn't have what was needed to become a true Master dedicated to the art, or create what had not before been discovered. He enjoyed the theory and he could brew decently, if he must, which was just it. He did not enjoy the brewing itself. Every time Draco's cauldron changed to the right colour or had the right bubbles, his eyes would just light up and he seemed to preen on the successes.
Severus, too, got a certain kind of satisfaction from a potion brewed right, especially if it was a new creation.
Sometimes Blaise wondered if he would ever find something that would let him feel such emotion. But every time he thought about it, he came up empty.
He carefully traced the words in front of him: Cestrum (harvested at the full moon), Cestrum (harvested at the new moon), Cestru-
"May I inquire what you are doing?"
Blaise jerked as he was startled by Severus' question and his being here. Blaise sighed, before he shrugged. "I couldn't sleep," he said truthfully. Though even the healer said that his body adapted well to the change, and advised Severus that the potions should only be used if needed.
"An explanation, even if it does not explain why you are here? I hope you are not contemplating brewing at four in the morning."
Blaise huffed. "Maybe? Might be my special talent, inventing new potions, when nobody is awake yet," he suggested.
"I do not recall you being so eager to brew during classes."
Blaise snorted. "Well, it has been more than a decade, my interests may have changed."
Severus just looked at him, and very slowly raised an eyebrow. The eyebrow said more than words ever could. To escape the judgement, Blaise turned towards the cupboard again.
"Pet."
Blaise did a half turn before responding. "I could ask the same thing. You were sleeping."
"There are wards on the door, obviously."
"Obviously," Blaise parroted. He was annoyed that the thought never occurred to him, that Severus would ward the entrance to the lab.
"These are preliminary wards, as it is not so easy to ward against one's offspring. We will also have to go through the house and think which of the rooms need to be warded."
"Not certain that there are rooms which would require such attention? Well, besides the lab," Blaise said, voice small.
"The kitchen might come to mind," Severus replied.
At that Blaise turned once more to Severus. "You are aware that the elves will never allow anything to happen to the munchkin? And... I usually liked to go down in the kitchen." Blaise sighed. "Yet another thing, we didn't realise before. You and I had a completely different upbringing, and different memories of our childhood, so most likely there are also different values hidden in it."
"I see we are back to the doom speaking. This may sound harsh, but out of curiosity, were you always this prone to find the negative in every situation and I just never realised it?" Severus asked, and came closer.
"Usually there is not such a huge task like the upbringing of a child ahead of me, or trying to make a relationship work, that I haven't even had before. The chances that this will go wrong are infinite, and the one who will suffer will be the munchkin," Blaise replied, annoyed. Far more annoyed than he had ever spoken to Severus before. How can Severus simply accept everything?
"Some would say that your mother's choices and life style had a negative impact on you-"
"I would not disagree, you are aware, right?"
"-and yet you grew up fine. You are a respected member of society and a valued member of high society. All sorts of different people approach you for your help."
Blaise snorted. "What a nice way of saying that though I have no employment, I have found a way, to aid those who have. Not that you are wrong, I am just impressed by the way you say it."
Severus scowled at him, which did not happen that often, and therefore, if it were in any other situation would have been far more entertaining.
"You were never this concerned about employment before. What changed? It is not like you need to be employed, you are after all the heir to the Zabini Estate. And as I learned this week, it is a rather sizeable estate, even if most of your grounds are outside of Britain," Severus said.
Blaise shrugged. He couldn't express what had changed, he couldn't name the feelings that overwhelmed him. This was all just too much, too much change at once. Change that he didn't really want as well.
And the possibility of Severus just going along with the demands of his mother and his family laws, for now, because it was what Blaise and the child required. After all, Severus had fooled many into believing him a devoted Death Eater, even the Dark Lord himself... so, it was not, as if he lacked the training.
There was a long suffering sigh, and Blaise winced as he heard it. He didn't want to annoy Severus more than the other man must already be annoyed at him and his family.
"Pet," Severus said as he put his hands on Blaise's shoulders. Blaise hadn't even heard him coming closer. "It is going to be all right."
"This does not even come close to all right. You spending the most of this week with my mother? Not all right. My mother and Narcissa Malfoy planning our wedding? Certainly not all right. The fact that there has to be a wedding in the first place because of some crazy ancestor of mine? Not even on this side of the light of all right. This is not what I expected when it came to introducing you to my mother. In fact this is not at all how I ever thought any of this would happen, and I didn't really think about how it would happen in the first place," Blaise protested, but leaned closer to Severus. He was stressed, and he was done with being pregnant and having stuff happening to him because of that.
"Pet," Severus said again, this time softer than before. "This may seem difficult now, and it might not be as hoped for, but it is the hand we have been dealt. Complaining will not change it. Though I will admit that I have neglected you this week."
Blaise sighed. It sounded so reasonable, but that didn't help him swallow the disappointment.
"Let's get you back to bed. This Christmas will be exhausting enough for you, without you being sleep deprived," Severus said, and led Blaise towards the door.
"You know I won't go to sleep just because you put me to bed. I am with child, I am not a child, even if my mother tends to forget that," Blaise protested.
Severus grinned that wicked smile of his that showed that he was highly amused by something. Most of the time it was something that Blaise couldn't figure out. "I doubt, pet, that I have ever treated you like a child, and I am certain that I am disinclined to do so now."
Blaise was uncertain of how to react. "Glad that we clarified that," he said as he started to walk back to his rooms again. He doubted that sleep would come this time, but what was he supposed to do? He certainly was not interested in brewing, the other parts of the house may or may not contain his mother, and so the bed was as good a place as any.
"Pet," Severus said from behind him. "Your mother will not be around for forever."
Blaise snorted. "That is not a fear I harboured in the first place, and you know that." It wasn't as if they hadn't spoken about this before.
"Then pray tell, what are your fears?" Severus asked again.
Blaise sighed before he stopped and turned around. They were in the middle of the hallway, but right now Blaise didn't care.
"We had this conversation before. I am sick of this conversation; this conversation doesn't lead to anything, so-
"This conversation does not lead anywhere because you refuse to be honest. With yourself or with me, I am yet to find out, but that is the crux of the current situation. It is also highly infuriating, since I think I made it perfectly clear from the beginning, that I expect honesty at all times," Severus interrupted him.
That shut Blaise up for real. Until it didn't.
"It is not like you are talking to me either. It is not like we ever needed to talk about such things. And now that we should, I fear we are unable to. You said this would all be just an adjustment to the original agreement, but I am unable to adjust. This is a change, a major one, and I hate that you seem so perfectly fine with everything, just simply going along while I struggle, unable to name even half the things that frighten or annoy me about this situation. How can you be this unbothered by everything? I get that the war and everything about it certainly had to make you accept things you didn't want to accept, but you yourself told me that the war is over. Or is it that you are unaware that there is only one way out of whatever marriage my mother has in mind for us?"
Blaise wasn't sure if he was whispering or shouting, he only knew he wanted Severus to be... to be.... to be bothered, to be involved, to acknowledge that this was about them, and not about an unfortunate potions incident that Blaise found himself unable to correct.
What an idiotic thought to have. What a mess to get oneself in. Blaise couldn't believe himself. He sounded like Draco back at Hogwarts: a secret crush on Potter that nobody was supposed to know, but still everybody who knew him knew. It was horrifying to see himself acting this way. He knew better than this. He should be better than this.
But deep down, some place he rarely acknowledged existed, some place he failed to control, this was his truth. This entry was originally posted at https://smirkingcat.dreamwidth.org/312515.html comments will be seen sooner over at @lj
Author :
smirkingcat
Rating: PG-13
Word Count : 2.507
Notes:
find part one lj, dw
as usual all the thanks and gratitude to
themightyflynn for the beta, who is sticking with me through the good, the bad, the exasperated and everything else
written for December 2019 Prompt 1: Keeping it a secret while attending hogwarts from hp_BunInTheOven
Summary: If only he could stop the thoughts running havoc in his mind.
Warnings: fluff, flangst, mpreg, D/s- subtext, OOC, heavy future angst planned
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Ever Gnawing Doubts
Blaise sat up in the bed, unable to sleep. He had not been right: even after a week his mother was still here. Furthermore, she caused a whirlwind of action around Severus and him. She had dragged Severus all over the place. As far as Blaise knew, they were checking out the Prince grounds.
They also had had tea with Narcissa, and he had been told by Severus that the women had taken over the wedding planning. Blaise could not help but feeling irked by the comment. Which made no sense, because about a week ago, he didn't even want a marriage, and now he certainly didn't want the wedding as it was happening, so why should he care? But a part of him did, and he hated it.
He looked over to the other side of the bed, where Severus was sleeping. The rush of anger was not unexpected, but frightening. The man simply accepted everything without a word of protest, and without talking to him.
Carefully, he slipped out from beneath the sheets and stood up. He hated how his body felt so odd, how his feet felt like they were constantly walking through heavy water.
He walked down the stairs and then left his quarters. He should feel at home here, but he didn't any longer. Though his mother never left her wing, the whole house felt different. And that was not all. He had suddenly become a bystander in his own life. He had always been rather passive, simply going with the flow, but at least he got to choose the flow he took. All of this felt like he was being pushed in a direction he never wanted his life to go. Certainly his life had not been perfect, but it had been his, and it had been comfortable. And now it was just...
And there was more. He felt... restless, off kilter. It was like he was back at Hogwarts, and he wanted something, but he could not even name it. But back then at least he knew how he could get it... Now he knew that he was wanting his Master's attention, but he just didn't know any longer how to get it. Most of the time, if his mother didn't have her claws in him, Severus was busy with his research, setting up and working in the potion lab, and attending meetings with Lucius and other friends. Though he had made sure that he was there, when Blaise went to his healer appointment, and they usually had dinner together with his mother. However, there was no time for themselves.
He walked down to the orchard Severus had started to use for some of his more common potion herbs, which were too mediocre to have been grown before. He himself knew that it was ridiculous to come here, but he didn't know where else to go.
He was afraid of the future. After all, this was not how they did things. When they met for a weekend, or even for a week, then it was all about them, their pleasure, and their time together. Life took a pause, and when they returned to it, Blaise liked to think that Severus just like he himself felt calmer, and once again more settled in his skin.
He walked through the orchard and into the lab. It was weird to recognise Severus' utensils in his home: the accurate hand scale, the copper mortar, and the different cauldrons that bore the insigna of many famous companies. The pheasant quills that Severus preferred to geese or ravens, his seal, and many, many more knick knacks which Blaise recognised from Severus' home or lab. They had become a familiar sight, on Severus' desk, strewn over his book cases. It was disconcerting that all those things were now in this lab, and not in their quarters. Certainly it made sense for the potion tools, but the rest?
He understood the need to have space just for oneself, and certainly the house was big enough, but besides his clothes and some books, nothing of Severus' had found its way in what essentially was to become their quarters. Maybe they should move into other rooms? Maybe Severus didn't like his décor? Blaise sighed. It was useless having such thoughts as long as Severus didn't tell him anything.
He went towards the apothecary's cabinet in the back and looked at all the labels for the ingredients that Severus had written. Blaise had high appreciation for the art that potions were. It was a fascinating subject and he always enjoyed research related to potions. Yet, with sitting in class next to Draco and watching Severus work, Blaise soon understood that he simply didn't have what was needed to become a true Master dedicated to the art, or create what had not before been discovered. He enjoyed the theory and he could brew decently, if he must, which was just it. He did not enjoy the brewing itself. Every time Draco's cauldron changed to the right colour or had the right bubbles, his eyes would just light up and he seemed to preen on the successes.
Severus, too, got a certain kind of satisfaction from a potion brewed right, especially if it was a new creation.
Sometimes Blaise wondered if he would ever find something that would let him feel such emotion. But every time he thought about it, he came up empty.
He carefully traced the words in front of him: Cestrum (harvested at the full moon), Cestrum (harvested at the new moon), Cestru-
"May I inquire what you are doing?"
Blaise jerked as he was startled by Severus' question and his being here. Blaise sighed, before he shrugged. "I couldn't sleep," he said truthfully. Though even the healer said that his body adapted well to the change, and advised Severus that the potions should only be used if needed.
"An explanation, even if it does not explain why you are here? I hope you are not contemplating brewing at four in the morning."
Blaise huffed. "Maybe? Might be my special talent, inventing new potions, when nobody is awake yet," he suggested.
"I do not recall you being so eager to brew during classes."
Blaise snorted. "Well, it has been more than a decade, my interests may have changed."
Severus just looked at him, and very slowly raised an eyebrow. The eyebrow said more than words ever could. To escape the judgement, Blaise turned towards the cupboard again.
"Pet."
Blaise did a half turn before responding. "I could ask the same thing. You were sleeping."
"There are wards on the door, obviously."
"Obviously," Blaise parroted. He was annoyed that the thought never occurred to him, that Severus would ward the entrance to the lab.
"These are preliminary wards, as it is not so easy to ward against one's offspring. We will also have to go through the house and think which of the rooms need to be warded."
"Not certain that there are rooms which would require such attention? Well, besides the lab," Blaise said, voice small.
"The kitchen might come to mind," Severus replied.
At that Blaise turned once more to Severus. "You are aware that the elves will never allow anything to happen to the munchkin? And... I usually liked to go down in the kitchen." Blaise sighed. "Yet another thing, we didn't realise before. You and I had a completely different upbringing, and different memories of our childhood, so most likely there are also different values hidden in it."
"I see we are back to the doom speaking. This may sound harsh, but out of curiosity, were you always this prone to find the negative in every situation and I just never realised it?" Severus asked, and came closer.
"Usually there is not such a huge task like the upbringing of a child ahead of me, or trying to make a relationship work, that I haven't even had before. The chances that this will go wrong are infinite, and the one who will suffer will be the munchkin," Blaise replied, annoyed. Far more annoyed than he had ever spoken to Severus before. How can Severus simply accept everything?
"Some would say that your mother's choices and life style had a negative impact on you-"
"I would not disagree, you are aware, right?"
"-and yet you grew up fine. You are a respected member of society and a valued member of high society. All sorts of different people approach you for your help."
Blaise snorted. "What a nice way of saying that though I have no employment, I have found a way, to aid those who have. Not that you are wrong, I am just impressed by the way you say it."
Severus scowled at him, which did not happen that often, and therefore, if it were in any other situation would have been far more entertaining.
"You were never this concerned about employment before. What changed? It is not like you need to be employed, you are after all the heir to the Zabini Estate. And as I learned this week, it is a rather sizeable estate, even if most of your grounds are outside of Britain," Severus said.
Blaise shrugged. He couldn't express what had changed, he couldn't name the feelings that overwhelmed him. This was all just too much, too much change at once. Change that he didn't really want as well.
And the possibility of Severus just going along with the demands of his mother and his family laws, for now, because it was what Blaise and the child required. After all, Severus had fooled many into believing him a devoted Death Eater, even the Dark Lord himself... so, it was not, as if he lacked the training.
There was a long suffering sigh, and Blaise winced as he heard it. He didn't want to annoy Severus more than the other man must already be annoyed at him and his family.
"Pet," Severus said as he put his hands on Blaise's shoulders. Blaise hadn't even heard him coming closer. "It is going to be all right."
"This does not even come close to all right. You spending the most of this week with my mother? Not all right. My mother and Narcissa Malfoy planning our wedding? Certainly not all right. The fact that there has to be a wedding in the first place because of some crazy ancestor of mine? Not even on this side of the light of all right. This is not what I expected when it came to introducing you to my mother. In fact this is not at all how I ever thought any of this would happen, and I didn't really think about how it would happen in the first place," Blaise protested, but leaned closer to Severus. He was stressed, and he was done with being pregnant and having stuff happening to him because of that.
"Pet," Severus said again, this time softer than before. "This may seem difficult now, and it might not be as hoped for, but it is the hand we have been dealt. Complaining will not change it. Though I will admit that I have neglected you this week."
Blaise sighed. It sounded so reasonable, but that didn't help him swallow the disappointment.
"Let's get you back to bed. This Christmas will be exhausting enough for you, without you being sleep deprived," Severus said, and led Blaise towards the door.
"You know I won't go to sleep just because you put me to bed. I am with child, I am not a child, even if my mother tends to forget that," Blaise protested.
Severus grinned that wicked smile of his that showed that he was highly amused by something. Most of the time it was something that Blaise couldn't figure out. "I doubt, pet, that I have ever treated you like a child, and I am certain that I am disinclined to do so now."
Blaise was uncertain of how to react. "Glad that we clarified that," he said as he started to walk back to his rooms again. He doubted that sleep would come this time, but what was he supposed to do? He certainly was not interested in brewing, the other parts of the house may or may not contain his mother, and so the bed was as good a place as any.
"Pet," Severus said from behind him. "Your mother will not be around for forever."
Blaise snorted. "That is not a fear I harboured in the first place, and you know that." It wasn't as if they hadn't spoken about this before.
"Then pray tell, what are your fears?" Severus asked again.
Blaise sighed before he stopped and turned around. They were in the middle of the hallway, but right now Blaise didn't care.
"We had this conversation before. I am sick of this conversation; this conversation doesn't lead to anything, so-
"This conversation does not lead anywhere because you refuse to be honest. With yourself or with me, I am yet to find out, but that is the crux of the current situation. It is also highly infuriating, since I think I made it perfectly clear from the beginning, that I expect honesty at all times," Severus interrupted him.
That shut Blaise up for real. Until it didn't.
"It is not like you are talking to me either. It is not like we ever needed to talk about such things. And now that we should, I fear we are unable to. You said this would all be just an adjustment to the original agreement, but I am unable to adjust. This is a change, a major one, and I hate that you seem so perfectly fine with everything, just simply going along while I struggle, unable to name even half the things that frighten or annoy me about this situation. How can you be this unbothered by everything? I get that the war and everything about it certainly had to make you accept things you didn't want to accept, but you yourself told me that the war is over. Or is it that you are unaware that there is only one way out of whatever marriage my mother has in mind for us?"
Blaise wasn't sure if he was whispering or shouting, he only knew he wanted Severus to be... to be.... to be bothered, to be involved, to acknowledge that this was about them, and not about an unfortunate potions incident that Blaise found himself unable to correct.
What an idiotic thought to have. What a mess to get oneself in. Blaise couldn't believe himself. He sounded like Draco back at Hogwarts: a secret crush on Potter that nobody was supposed to know, but still everybody who knew him knew. It was horrifying to see himself acting this way. He knew better than this. He should be better than this.
But deep down, some place he rarely acknowledged existed, some place he failed to control, this was his truth. This entry was originally posted at https://smirkingcat.dreamwidth.org/312515.html comments will be seen sooner over at @lj