(no subject)
i saw chris schwaber the other day and he reminded me about real life, real decisions, how things can work out in relationships, and of course how i used to update my lj 45 times a day.
well i don't even update every day anymore, so i've at least made some progress. this, of course, i 'm saying on a day when i'm going to have updated twice. at least i'm not a friendster fiend too. that shit is lame. "i'm cool cuase i'm friends with someone who is friends with someone in the moldy peaches." o yeah, well...well..well...i love my boyfriend. so i don't care about kimya, even though she is hot-shit 9-7.
that is not nearly the point though:
my father upsets me. every five seconds. he calls me randomly and asks me to hang out like 3 seconds before i have class. or while i'm studying.and when i say i'm studying he says "well i thought we could just hang out for a while." how ideal for you, except I AM STUDYING and i have class in half an hour. which would not even give me time to go and see you wherever you so happen to be at the moment.
y'know his abandonment has truly and honestly fucked me up.
i don't know how jeff made it. it boggles me. i talked to jeff yesterday for the first time in a year. he wasn't excited to hear my voice. i was sad to hear his. i miss him so much it hurts just to hear him talk. like it was when jon first went to college. i thought i'd never get over it. is it wrong that i did? sometimes, i cry over him being away...but not the way i do about jeff. i guess i never cry about jeff anymore. well all's well that ends well. i hope it all ends well. not just jeff. not just jon and i. just everything.
except my father. i know it won't end well for him. if there is a god in heaven, so much that he believes in, then my fathers transgressions will not be forgiven. it is simply impossible. he has not simply forgotten a birthday. he has not hurt one woman. he has hurt two women, three children, and we've got one more of each just waiting in the wings. he pretends that he cares still by calling every once in a while, but he never does. he hasn't seen my aunts in forever. that's what they lived for. i miss them. i cried about missing them the other day.
and i sit, thinking...i'm so in love. i want to be in love like this forever. jon and i, married. waking up next to each other every day.
but if this love doesn't last, then i want nothing of the sort. no marriage. no divorce. no forgetting. no being forgotten. no being hurt. no letting other's down. it can't happen. it isn't fair that anyone has to deal with it, and i'm certainly not going to be the one doing the hurting.
and it kills me to think that. it kills me that i'm so sure that life will be perfect, but all these people that are divorced thought the same thing. what if my life ends up like that?
what if my exhusband forgets about our children, abandons me, and decides to marry a 50 year old yoga instructor?
what the fuck will i do?
well i don't even update every day anymore, so i've at least made some progress. this, of course, i 'm saying on a day when i'm going to have updated twice. at least i'm not a friendster fiend too. that shit is lame. "i'm cool cuase i'm friends with someone who is friends with someone in the moldy peaches." o yeah, well...well..well...i love my boyfriend. so i don't care about kimya, even though she is hot-shit 9-7.
that is not nearly the point though:
my father upsets me. every five seconds. he calls me randomly and asks me to hang out like 3 seconds before i have class. or while i'm studying.and when i say i'm studying he says "well i thought we could just hang out for a while." how ideal for you, except I AM STUDYING and i have class in half an hour. which would not even give me time to go and see you wherever you so happen to be at the moment.
y'know his abandonment has truly and honestly fucked me up.
i don't know how jeff made it. it boggles me. i talked to jeff yesterday for the first time in a year. he wasn't excited to hear my voice. i was sad to hear his. i miss him so much it hurts just to hear him talk. like it was when jon first went to college. i thought i'd never get over it. is it wrong that i did? sometimes, i cry over him being away...but not the way i do about jeff. i guess i never cry about jeff anymore. well all's well that ends well. i hope it all ends well. not just jeff. not just jon and i. just everything.
except my father. i know it won't end well for him. if there is a god in heaven, so much that he believes in, then my fathers transgressions will not be forgiven. it is simply impossible. he has not simply forgotten a birthday. he has not hurt one woman. he has hurt two women, three children, and we've got one more of each just waiting in the wings. he pretends that he cares still by calling every once in a while, but he never does. he hasn't seen my aunts in forever. that's what they lived for. i miss them. i cried about missing them the other day.
and i sit, thinking...i'm so in love. i want to be in love like this forever. jon and i, married. waking up next to each other every day.
but if this love doesn't last, then i want nothing of the sort. no marriage. no divorce. no forgetting. no being forgotten. no being hurt. no letting other's down. it can't happen. it isn't fair that anyone has to deal with it, and i'm certainly not going to be the one doing the hurting.
and it kills me to think that. it kills me that i'm so sure that life will be perfect, but all these people that are divorced thought the same thing. what if my life ends up like that?
what if my exhusband forgets about our children, abandons me, and decides to marry a 50 year old yoga instructor?
what the fuck will i do?