EMO inside
Ugh. I feel lost.
No, more specifically I know exactly where I am, and I don't want to really face this fact. I've danced around the edges of it for months now, and nothing will make it any easier to confront, so I guess I'll type about it.
I have, for the past few months, been spinning my wheels. Work > Home > Mindless entertainment > Website / Programming projects > Sleep > Repeat.
This has been my LIFE. I have made no positive motions towards better employment. I have made no progress on getting that last damned credit I need for my degree with Knox. My personal health is very slowly worsening as I age and continue to not get *enough* exercise (me legs are muscly again from bicycling, but my soda-belly has returned), all without health insurance to cover my ass if something really goes wrong nor dental to fix my teeth. I haven't practiced for my driver's license in months, despite the weight of not having my own long-distance mobility pressing harder and harder on me. Work on the DDR pads stalled the moment I found employment (despite their both being essentially complete.)
Only a few things have been improving. My leg muscles as mentioned above, my overall stress level, and my bank account balance. I've tried rationalizing that this was time well spent on those three things, but all three of them could be much better if I actually claw myself out of this funk / doldrums.
It truly has been a funk too. For over a month now I haven't read my LJ Friends page - because reading what all of you write reminds me so very much of Knox, of what I could be doing, of how intelligent you all appear in your writings. I was literally afraid to look, afraid to read the backlog of missed entries, I put it off and avoided it like a conversation I knew would be painful, but necessary. I ran from it all.
But I'm reading through them now. I still don't know where I'm going with my life, but if I can't face my friends, how can I face my future?
No, more specifically I know exactly where I am, and I don't want to really face this fact. I've danced around the edges of it for months now, and nothing will make it any easier to confront, so I guess I'll type about it.
I have, for the past few months, been spinning my wheels. Work > Home > Mindless entertainment > Website / Programming projects > Sleep > Repeat.
This has been my LIFE. I have made no positive motions towards better employment. I have made no progress on getting that last damned credit I need for my degree with Knox. My personal health is very slowly worsening as I age and continue to not get *enough* exercise (me legs are muscly again from bicycling, but my soda-belly has returned), all without health insurance to cover my ass if something really goes wrong nor dental to fix my teeth. I haven't practiced for my driver's license in months, despite the weight of not having my own long-distance mobility pressing harder and harder on me. Work on the DDR pads stalled the moment I found employment (despite their both being essentially complete.)
Only a few things have been improving. My leg muscles as mentioned above, my overall stress level, and my bank account balance. I've tried rationalizing that this was time well spent on those three things, but all three of them could be much better if I actually claw myself out of this funk / doldrums.
It truly has been a funk too. For over a month now I haven't read my LJ Friends page - because reading what all of you write reminds me so very much of Knox, of what I could be doing, of how intelligent you all appear in your writings. I was literally afraid to look, afraid to read the backlog of missed entries, I put it off and avoided it like a conversation I knew would be painful, but necessary. I ran from it all.
But I'm reading through them now. I still don't know where I'm going with my life, but if I can't face my friends, how can I face my future?