What have i done... what am i doing?

[smilinteddy]

ARGH, let's just start there. yes, ARGH pretty much sums things up right now. ARGH to what has taken place, ARGH to steps i've taken today, and definitely ARGH to what is to come... although the size of that ARGH depends on others. i hate not being able to fix everything, but it's not entirely my fault. maybe i was too trusting, but hey, there are some things that you just figure... well they have to be that way, because the alternative is just something you don't want to think about. when is it time to acknwoledge what the facts point to, and stop believing in that egnigmatic "benefit of the doubt". there should be no doubt, if things were where they should be, there would be no doubt. and yet, through it all, there it is, "I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt"... is it really any benefit at all? only if you use it i guess. I don't want anyone saying "I told you so" none of that. I don't want to have to deal with that on top of everything else.

I've never given up on anyone, and i don't want to start now, not with you, you mean too much. Things were so much easier in the past, walks in the park, conversations on a park bench next to a pond... i guess i always find myself looking to the past. i must be moving too slow, cuz everything seems to wear off and fade away for everyone before it does for me.

How the hell did this happen? Is it that i'm really that stupid?
don't answer that question

...i thought i lost you somewhere
but you were never really ever there at all

and i, want to get free
talk to me
i can feel you falling
and i, wanted to be, all you need
somehow here is gone...

all i can say is... ARGH