=/
i should pour my heart out to someone. instead of sugar coating my life and making everything sound so perfect and uncomplicated i should be honest. but how can you be honest about something that you cant even understand? i think i should see a therapist. its not like i cant afford it. i make 18 bux an hour and i get double time for oeertime. i get my first real paycheck this wednesday (they hold it for two weeks) and it should be for around 1500. i figure if im making around 3000 a month i should start getting my shit together. ive spent way too much time looking at shitty apartments, dream apartments, and apartments too good to be true. ive gone back and forth on whether or not ant should move in right away, when he can pay half the rent, or never. im also confused on whether im head over heels in love, comfortable to not be alone, or stuck in a terribly abusive relationship. i kinda let too much slip to my dad. i told him too much. its just hard. because on one hand ant is this extremely funny romantic overattentive guy who says these amazing things to me that take my breath away. on the other hand hes this overprotective asshole who thinks its okay to confiscate my keys and phone and to lay his hands on me. maybe its because hes the first boy i ever loved that im delusional. maybe i dont think i could do better. o r maybe i really am in love. im not sure and thats almost worse than knowing. its like, im afraid to commit 100% because in doing so, im shutting out the possibility of finding something greater. than i think that maybe there is nothing greater. im a whirlwind of mixed opinions, a catastrophe waiting to happen, and i cant wait til i have hundreds of dollars to blow trying to shop away my stress and confusion. i am way too eager to tan and dye and wax away my problems, kinda like using awesome frosting on a shitty cake. the inside may be faling apart and terrible, but from the outside it looks great. thats what i want to be. a cake. gah