"Jump on the pony and ride"
My last entry was a little nasty and I seriously apologize. I was mean and bitchy. Sorry. I swear the past two days have been torture. I think God is trying to teach me a lesson, and I am trying to learn it, but can we please not do it so harshly???? Please God!
Anyways for some reason yesterday and today I have been tired and grumpy and mostly just sad. I can't even get on a temporary sugar high to cheer me I up. Believe me I have tried. I just feel so alone. The sad thing is, I have friends, people who care. But with just one person mad at me it makes my whole existance seem lonely. Emily is pissed. I was mean. I kept choosing Ally and Grant over Meli and Emily. I took them for granted as if they would always be there. I guess I was wrong. Now Emily is mad and I fear that she will never get over it. That this was just the last straw and she is done with me. I wouldn't have guessed that. I thought we were better friends than that.
Even worse, the one friend I have basically all my classes with is the one giving me the cold shoulder. I am friendless in spanish and IHS. Let me tell u the one thing I have learned: you can't be friendless in IHS. It screws everything up. Yesterday we were assigned to do group work, and of course I was getting the silent treatment from Emily, so I thought I would just work with Tom, but he had a group too. So there was me just standing in the middle of History feeling the most alone I had felt since 8th grade, and I was almost in tears. I could barely focus on anything and I seriously thought I would just crumble. I also considered just leaving. I couldn't take it. That is when I just went home and cried.
Then there was today. I thought maybe it had blown over. Alas to my dismay Emily was still silent. I have expected her and few times to tell me to stop looking at her, or tell me to go fuck myself. She didn't. I swear I looked at her fifty times in spanish, hoping that just once I would get a smile, a laugh, SOMETHING. I was so upset that I wrote a poem. It is depressing. Then came IHS, I felt so alone. No group work thank God, but I was still hurt and alone. Then Ally had to go to crew and I felt out of place so I just went to the flag pole and cried. No one was around and I just cried, the rain pouring down on me. This was after I went to the Library to find there was yet another nasty comment on my journal from emily. Then I went and looked and Chesire. It was a little cemetary I made in the dirt flower bed yesterday behind the flag pole. In has a big archway to enter it. Then there is a hill with a thatch roof cabin atop it. I wished that I was in Chesire, living in the cottage. My whole life would be watching over the cemetary. I would be alone, but I wouldn't be as alone.
It is worse to be in a crowded room knowing no one knows ur there than to be in the middle of nowhere with no one there to see u.
Anyways for some reason yesterday and today I have been tired and grumpy and mostly just sad. I can't even get on a temporary sugar high to cheer me I up. Believe me I have tried. I just feel so alone. The sad thing is, I have friends, people who care. But with just one person mad at me it makes my whole existance seem lonely. Emily is pissed. I was mean. I kept choosing Ally and Grant over Meli and Emily. I took them for granted as if they would always be there. I guess I was wrong. Now Emily is mad and I fear that she will never get over it. That this was just the last straw and she is done with me. I wouldn't have guessed that. I thought we were better friends than that.
Even worse, the one friend I have basically all my classes with is the one giving me the cold shoulder. I am friendless in spanish and IHS. Let me tell u the one thing I have learned: you can't be friendless in IHS. It screws everything up. Yesterday we were assigned to do group work, and of course I was getting the silent treatment from Emily, so I thought I would just work with Tom, but he had a group too. So there was me just standing in the middle of History feeling the most alone I had felt since 8th grade, and I was almost in tears. I could barely focus on anything and I seriously thought I would just crumble. I also considered just leaving. I couldn't take it. That is when I just went home and cried.
Then there was today. I thought maybe it had blown over. Alas to my dismay Emily was still silent. I have expected her and few times to tell me to stop looking at her, or tell me to go fuck myself. She didn't. I swear I looked at her fifty times in spanish, hoping that just once I would get a smile, a laugh, SOMETHING. I was so upset that I wrote a poem. It is depressing. Then came IHS, I felt so alone. No group work thank God, but I was still hurt and alone. Then Ally had to go to crew and I felt out of place so I just went to the flag pole and cried. No one was around and I just cried, the rain pouring down on me. This was after I went to the Library to find there was yet another nasty comment on my journal from emily. Then I went and looked and Chesire. It was a little cemetary I made in the dirt flower bed yesterday behind the flag pole. In has a big archway to enter it. Then there is a hill with a thatch roof cabin atop it. I wished that I was in Chesire, living in the cottage. My whole life would be watching over the cemetary. I would be alone, but I wouldn't be as alone.
It is worse to be in a crowded room knowing no one knows ur there than to be in the middle of nowhere with no one there to see u.