Just another post ~
HEY I'M A COUNCILLOR NOW !!! I'm so proud of this backdrop cuz I designed it :)
Hello there :).It's been quite a while since I posted here. I know I said that I wanted to see my blog "updated and alive" but it's really hard to cope with the demand of JC given the limited time I have. But since I'm so overwhelmed with thoughts now I guess I can just drop by and leave a few lines....
After Investiture I thought I would be free a bit but I was dead wrong. After Ms Leong addressed us to day I realize there is so much stuff to do, like practice and revision for promotional exams. To be honest it scares me to the core. I'm so afraid that I cannot cope with the amount of knowledge they require. Plus having super-smart friends doesn't help. Not that they don't help me with my studies, in fact I don't think I can survive JC without them but the thing is I feel really bad when my scores are not as good. Peer pressure is disgusting. Every time I look at them I cannot help feeling sad and disappointed about myself. The future seems bleak. It's like I'm trapped in a tunnel, I cannot see anything ahead but the only thing to do is just keep walking forward blindly, don't even know if there's light at the end of it. I can't imagine how it would be if I cannot pass the promo exam, I dare not to...
I always want to start a new day with a positive mind and a happy heart, but it soon dies out as school progresses. So much to the point that I find faking a smile is hard. They say I'm not my usual self, but I think I'm losing it. If you happen to see me smile, most likely I'm faking it. I've seen JC dragging people around me down, even some of my most cheerful friends. I guess I am no exception. I love to be my old self again, outgoing cheery and carefree. Things were a lot simple then. But it's really difficult to do that when all the worries keep following you around like a shadow...
What makes it even worse is things between me and him don't improve. I don't know what happened but our relationship is accelerating downhill. No matter how hard I try to save it, it doesn't seem to get any better. And it kills me. What they said didn't use to affect us. But now I can almost feel the distance. I don't feel like I'm texting the same old person, and I don't feel like I'm talking to the same old person. I don't know what to do, because I really cannot tell anyone. But I'm feeling really lonely when I have no one to just talk crap about my day. To be honest I miss all that. It takes two people to save a relationship and it's obvious that I'm the only one who's trying, what's the point now?
Damn it. FML.