reflection
i can finally enjoy Taiwan 10000% now.
... now that i have finally convinced grandpa to come to the U.S. with us-- despite cancer, despite inflammation, despite whatever health problems that most people face when they reach 80 years of age-- they are coming. This process of convincing, begging, praying, and sending emailing the doctor has taken me at least 3 weeks. yup... 3 weeks. even when i left for Japan, i thought about it everyday that i was there!
but i have been and continue to feel like it's the RIGHT decision to make.
im determined that coming to the U.S. means short-term bliss: healthy food, 24/7 love and care (courtesy of me, mom & fon), walks in the park, swimming, costco shopping, even ground to walk on, and all that other good stuff that comes with dry desert heat vs. the humidity here. i'm determined that going there will enhance their quality of life as well as quantity of life. do i sound full of it? i'm not. i truly truly believe in this.
sigh.
i am, at times, torn about the decisions that i make-- even after all is said and done.
what does selfish mean?
sometimes i lie in bed and feel like im the most selfish person ever.
what do i want to do with my life?
going for the PhD is the best long-term goal for me. in the end, it will offer everything i want: flexibility and freedom wherever i go, whichever field i pursue. for the time being, it also offers me more flexibility and freedom than a 9-5 job. it's sick, but i do love school.
what about right now?
i think about being in school and how much fun i will be having. going to school is advancing myself. it's about moving out by myself. living by myself. taking care of myself. going to another different state by myself. everything is bymyself bymyself bymyself - and i love it.
so... is it utterly selfish to be advancing myself when i could be spending this time directly improving the lives of others? is getting a PhD really the best long-term goal when I could choose to stay at home, or near home, to enrich the lives of my family members?
long-term speaking... i will be done with school in 6 years, but will some of my family members still be healthy enough for me to take care of? to take them sightseeing? to take them travelling around the world??
sliding doors.
i picture the the sliding doors movie and imagine what my life could be like if I could let all my family members experience and receive the best of me. I'd be married and have a baby in the next few years so that everyone can feel relieved because ta-da!-- they've gotten what they dreamed they would see.
in my alternate life, i'd also live in Los Angeles. forever. and ever. and ever.
i would have never left.
I would have gone to UCLA for undergrad.
I would have accepted UCLA for grad.
And then i'd live near home so that fon has a role model, mom has company, grandma and grandpa can come and have me with them too... and everything would be happy-go-lucky.
i would be happy as well. i love my family! i love being with my family!
instead.
instead, i've been really logical about what i should do.
i'm not returning to LA for the next 6 years.
after 4 years of being on the east coast, im heading out to the midwest to explore.
to pursue higher education.
to meet actual 'cornhuskers' and to go to a RED football game.
i'm gonna eat runzas and shovel my own car during the winter seasons.
i'll get to have my own clients in a year.
i'll write another thesis and then a dissertation.
i mean, im buying a new car next month... and then investing in an apartment next year.
all of this will take place far away from the people who wish i was closer.
so. what does selfish mean?