(no subject)
at first it was the hardest thing i had to do. it drove me to the point of physical pain from the lack of taking care of myself, because i just didn't care. i stopped eating for a week, was horrible to everyone i came in contact with and just plain frusterated and annoyed at the world. i looked for any and every excuse to be horrible to people for it help to make me feel as if i wasn't alone in my misery, yet i have never felt so alone in all my life. i didn't want pity, nor justification (for at that point there was none) so all that was left was my anger. my anger at the priest, the people who couldn't help me, and myself for knowing that i was not strong enough to see it through. it was so hard at first, then through Grace, a way was found. i had found where i belonged and this time i believe it. i trusted in something that i didn't want to trust in and because of such i am here. i was slapped in the face with the realization that because i am human, i am not strong enough, especailly since i didn't believe in what i was doing. it is not by my strength that i found the way rather by the child-like obedience that God calls us all to. it's been almost a month, 26 days actually, since this rather painful and rude awakening which marked my last real contact, and when i said goodbye, for the first time since the ordeal started, i actually meant it. and until today i was ok with that. i finally believed in it and because of such i found peace. then today almost ruined everything. in three separate occasions, he has come back. and it took all that i had to remember what i had promised to do and by the strength of God (and not my own), my life still goes on. i want life and the lives around me to keep going without any hint of change (in this aspect) because of me, but by hoping that means that i have to deal with the hurt of what i am being excluded from. a hurt that i wasn't even aware of until today. it hurts but i'm fine, or will be anyway. so this strange, new and even more unpredictible world that has now engulfed my life was held together by the very being that created it.