(no subject)
what is it about the number 3? ok, i'll be the first to admit that my life is not all that great (yet not all that bad either) but when 3 people remind me of the same fault in three separate incidences within 20 hours of each other i'm feeling the need to pay attention. i have come to the conclusion that i do have emotions and to try and deny and/or hide these emotions from myself is pointless. having emotion is not the issue, it's the expression of said emotions which causes problems. i got yelled at last night for my apparent lack of desire to change my emotionless life. then i received a letter today from an ex-boyfriend of mine that told me that he believed the reason we broke up was b/c he got 'too close' and i got scared, to quote, "although you may hide behind your mean, often manipulative, cold manner, i saw the real you, a scared little girl in need of a guardian angel" with refrence to him being that angel. i'm a little distrubed by this for a couple of reasons: 1) he might be right, and in all honesty i can't figure out if he is. ok, clarification, he might be right reguarding the fact i might be a scared lost little girl, not the fact that he wants to be my gaurdian angel. i actually think i might be that little girl whose hid for so long that this front has become who i am. i know i hide but i'm not sure why. and the scarier thought is that i'm not sure why i continue to use this front of the strong feisty chick who lives as if she was a type fo robot, void of the expression of emotion. 2) i'm disturbed that he thinks himself my guardian angel, "to be standing next to you, not in front or behind, in order to catch you when you fall and help you back on your feet" 3) i'm distrubed by the fact that he thinks that i will run back into his arms and we'll get married and live happily ever after. (gag) not in this lifetime. 4) finally, i'm disturbed by the fact that i'm listening to what he has to say. and that i might believe him. ok that's incident #2. then, on the oppisite side of the spectrum, my mother called me a drama queen who was being overdramatic over a conversation regaurding my 'recent dates' with Thomas Hobbes (ya know the dead political philospher, whom i have to read for my political thought class, and since i spend my time in a quiet room just myself and the book, i jokingly call it a 'date'; and b/c i don't necessarily believe everything he has to say, i get annoyed) and my mother called me a drama queen when i told her about these little dates and how i walk away extremely annoyed. all she told me was that "you need tonot let your emotions take over your life...You need to check your emotions, dear" that's what i grew up with. if i would get teary eyed at home i was called an attention whore, and now that i really don't show emotion, i'm called a robot, so i fucked either way. i want to change, but i don't know how. i don't want to be a robot b/c life can't be truly lived if all you think about is effiecency. but i don't want to be melodramatic and let my emotions consume my every thought and action prevetning me from doing anything. i need that happy medium but where do i find it? the number 3, why did it take 3 people for me to decide that i need to change. hummmmmm, now what?