This pain hurts more than any pain

[smilevsfrown]

He hurt me more than I can put into words. He just fell right out of love with me. I'll talk to anyone who will listen to me because I’m trying to overcompensate for what he won't say. I know he says that he needs his space, but I had no idea that he didn't ever intend on coming back to me. He's found someone better who he has a "special connection with". He thinks that she's beautiful....I remember not to long ago he was saying all that to me. Yeah, he was saying it all to me less than a week ago. Maybe he never really cared about me the way that he said he did, but I’ll probably never know because I’ll probably never hear from him again. Whoops my bad... he's going to ask for his stuff back soon. I'm not trying to be hostile but I don't know how else to deal with this pain. I wish that she had never come along...it hurts so much more knowing that he's treating her the way he used to treat me. Probably using some of the same lines on her too. I want to talk to him so badly. Ever time I try he doesn't respond. Because of his lack of response I went to his house and to my complete surprise she was there. It was our 9 month anniversary yesterday so I went over there with intentions of doing something sweet for him to let him know that I cared, I just wanted to talk to him and he got all tense and upset because I scared her away. He cared more about how a girl he just met felt than how he was making his own girlfriend feel. I'm the girl he called his best friend, the girl he spent so much time with, the girl who wanted him to have everything, the girl who loves him unconditionally, the girl who he said made him the happiest he had ever been....he cared more for the girl he barely knew. Was he expecting that I would just be okay with that? It's my nature to fight for what I want and what I think is being unfairly taken from me. He even told me that he didn't care about me in that special way anymore. I know why... because he gets blinded by his own love... His new found fresh love took over all his thoughts and *poof* I was pushed away. He used to always ask me "am I being a jerk Rachel?" and I always told him no. Until now I had never experienced him treating me like shit. It's all fine and normal that he move on after we separate I’ll move on too. I don’t think it’s possible for him to just not grieve for me at all unless he never really did care. He could at least have the decency to wait a little while. He's transferred every bit of energy he had for me onto her in the matter of a few days. He’s depending on someone else to make him happy, he left me because he “needed to make himself happy” but he’s not even doing that. He's avoiding his emotions which is very unhealthy. He always used to tell me that certain things that I did were unhealthy, but I disagree. He told me all about how his mother used to make problems for herself. He does the same for himself and I’m sorry that I got caught up in it. I know I have my fair share of problems but I tried so hard to work them out. I tried that hard not just for me but for him. And then he just gave up on me without even giving me the slightest chance to show him my improvement. I'll never forgive him for that. I even took my bracelet off. That bracelet is a part of me...and I gave it to him to prove how much i really meant all that I was saying. To me that was a symbol of how hard I was trying. But I never even got a chance to tell him that. All he said about it was that he was going to put it on his jacket. That carries my memories for the last 5 years...I don't want it clanking around on his jacket. I want it back. He yelled at me like I never knew he could yell at me. He was so angry with me for not “GETTING OUT” and “LEAVING HIM ALONE”. How could I just get out and leave him alone, not only would I regret it for the rest of my life because I would never know what would have happened if I had stayed but I also knew who’s arms he would run straight to. He used to run straight to my arms…He used to tell me how coming to my house and seeing me was the most relaxing part of his day and that he felt so comfortable with me. Now he tells me that he needs to get away from me to be comfortable and relax. That hurts me so badly…And the only reason he seems to be able to give me is that he’s just lost those feelings for me. I have so much trouble believing that, not only because I don’t want to believe it but because how deeply he cared about me. But how could I not be surprised? We’ve talked about this very thing before because it was something I always feared but he always told me to not worry about. He promised me that he would talk to me about it the moment it started to happen….he broke his promise and he broke me. He broke my heart and what’s worse is that he has the power to fix it and he just won’t. It seems like he’s not trying…he’s to focused on just moving ahead rather than working with what he already has. It’s like Mike and Hannah only I’m not Hannah, He is. I think that deep down inside he has a fear of commitment; I don’t even think he’s aware of it but from hearing about his past relationships and experiencing this one with him I think that that’s it. It’s the reason for his sudden change of heart for me…he’s says that he’s afraid of hurting my feelings but I think that deep inside he’s afraid for himself and becoming to attached to someone else, especially someone as crazy and complex as me that he can’t ever predict. What we had was so special and I can’t just walk away from it like he did. It feels like he’s just disregarding my feelings altogether. I’m too nice and good of a person to shatter someone like that and I don’t ever want to. I trusted him completely and he really damaged me. It’ll be a long time before I can love again and I can trust again. He showed me how fast people can change there minds about you and destroy you emotionally. I’m going to laugh if things with this new girl go absolutely no where…he threw away everything he had with me to be with someone else. We worked for nine months on crafting a happy relationship. He just gave up at the first major fork in the road. I always thought he was so much stronger than that, I still do think that he’s stronger than that. I believe in fate. If we were meant to be together than I know he’ll find his way back to me.
Travis if you read this I hope you’ll make any attempt to talk to me. The one thing you can do for me is not going running into her arms and have her cure all your bad feelings. This is for you to talk to me about…From what we had I know that you’re decent enough to at least do that for me. I need closure if it’s over and I need knowledge on the truth, I’m aware that I’m living on assumptions right now but that’s all I have. I need to have a heart to heart talk with you… If you ever loved me you could at least do that for me. I know you say that you don’t know what to say to me but I’m letting you know that you need to find the words.