(no subject)

[smileskelly]

My life feels like its ending. And thats terrible of me to say because I know for a fact that its not. I said something about one of my very best friends last weekend to my friends that I thought wasnt that bad. I feel like I can tell my friends anything and they wont say a word. I hadnt heard from him in a week, and what was upsetting me was he told me he was going to call me. But when I finally saw him last night, he pulled me aside and asked me what right I had disrespecting him like that. Everyone found out I guess, and I didnt mean for what I said to blow up and create this much drama like it did. But it did, and right now Im definitely paying for it. After he started talking, I couldnt stand there any longer, I just couldnt look him in the eyes. He was of course drunk, like always. So I couldnt have a real conversation with him. After he screamed something out of his friends truck as he was leaving, my whole body shook. I couldnt control what I was doing or saying. I was screaming at the top of my lungs in my head. I couldnt breathe, I couldnt move. I couldnt have a fun time the rest of the night. After my friends and I got to Becky's house, he called me. But not because he felt like he needed to. He called me because one of his friends told him that I was upset and that he should call me. I have never been more regretful of anything in my whole entire life. I still can hardly even move. He said the most hurtful things anyone could ever say to a person. I honestly didnt think that those words could come out of someones mouth...to a living person, a person who cares about him this much. And I know I do, you might think that I dont care about him at all because I said things about him. But you just have to understand who I am, who my friends are, and who he is. I dont know if he was saying those things to me because he was drunk or what. But I regret ever having told anyone about what happened. He said that he hated me and that hes never going to talk to me again. And right after I started crying once he said that, I thought to myself, he'll probably talk to me again..after some time. I'll just give it time. But then he said, and when I say Im never going to talk to someone ever again, I mean it. I wont ever talk to you again, once I get off this phone, you will never hear me say another word to you.

So here I am, at Shawna's house, bawling my eyes out once again...not knowing what to do, say or think.
Once again I cant move.
I need to hear his voice again.
I need to have him forgive me.
Because I know I would forgive him in a heart beat.
Because thats how many times I think about him..
I think about him everytime my heart beats.
And I cant even explain how sorry I am for what happened.
But he doesnt care.
And he never will.