The Dance: Chapter 20 - Forgiveness
Genre & Rating: Canon/AU, NC-17 for cussin.
Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.
Summary: This is the continuation of The Package, and takes place after Ennis and Alma's divorce. Ennis has moved to Kansas and is trying to find a way for him and Jack to be together. The road is bumpy and uneven but each small step brings both Jack and Ennis closer to the dance. Prior chapters are here .
Thanks: To my betas Christine and Elizabeth, who are so much more than betas. They are confidantes, friends, and sisters. I usually leave a clever comment here, one that is very flip and tongue-in-cheek. But not today. This story is what it is, because of you.
Dedication: This is the penultimate chapter and I'm already starting to feel very sentimental as I type this note. I guess, because of the dialogue in this chapter, I'm feeling this is where I say good-bye to all of you. Sure, there's another chapter coming, plus an Epilogue, but I'm feeling the good-byes there will be to this Jack and Ennis. And so I thank you for blessing me with this story. Because even though I kind of started it all, I really do believe you guys were the ones that kept it going. I thank you for the lessons I learned and for letting me unfurl my wings. This chapter is dedicated to all of you.
The Dance: Chapter 20 - Forgiveness
The Heart of the Matter
(Don Henley)
These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
And the people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance
That lead to happiness
They’re the very things
We kill, I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know, it doesn’t keep me warm
I’m learning to live without you now.
But I miss you, baby.
And the more I know,
The less I understand
All the things I thought I’d figured out
I have to learn again.
I’ve been trying’ to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it’s about
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if
You don’t love me anymore
There are people in your life
Who’ve come and gone
They let you down
You know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you, baby
‘Cause life goes on
You keep carryin’ that anger
It’ll eat you up inside, baby
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if
You don’t love me anymore
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin’ about
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if
You don’t love me anymore
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He didn’t know what jolted him out of his nightmare but he was thankful for it. He had to work at untwisting himself from his blankets, the hurt in his jaws letting him know he must have been clenching them fiercely as he fought whatever demons attacked him while he slept. Even now, so soon after waking, he couldn’t remember what he’d fought against, although he suspected it stemmed back to his Daddy. Seems living that nightmare wasn’t quite enough, he had to go through it all again in his sleep.
He climbed out of bed and tossed pajama pants and an undershirt on, too restless to go back to sleep. He made his way to the kitchen, careful to be quiet, but realizing as he got closer that someone had beat him to whatever was left of the chocolate cake they’d had for dessert.
“Dammit, clumsy as anything,” Lureen muttered, carefully sweeping up pieces of a broken plate.
“You were always dropping things, or leaving stuff behind,” Jack said with amusement, leaning against the kitchen doorway. “That’s how we met, me returning your red hat to you.”
“Well now, that wasn’t my fault. Was the wind blew that to you,” Lureen said wryly, standing up and placing the shards in the trash. She glanced at Jack quickly, before nervously tightening the sash on her robe. “Sorry if I woke you Jack, dropping that plate.”
He shrugged, feeling self-conscious as well, wishing he’d put on his robe. He looked down and caught sight of Lureen’s bare toes. “You want I should get your slippers for you? Just in case you missed any glass?”
Lureen looked down at her feet and her cheeks reddened. “No, no, don’t trouble yourself, Jack. I’ll just put some milk in my tea and finish my book in bed. You go ahead and have that last slice a cake,” she gestured to the generous wedge sitting on the counter.
Jack made no move towards the cake, intending to wait until Lureen fixed her tea. Less chance of them bumping into each other that way.
He watched Lureen open up the fridge and take out the milk carton, the light from the fridge illuminating the dark circles under her eyes and the weariness around her mouth. Her hands didn’t seem quite steady as she splashed a dollop of milk in her tea, and he felt a pang of remorse, knowing he was making her nervous being alone with her like this without Bobby’s chatter to cover up the empty spaces between them.
He was taken aback when she suddenly slammed the milk carton on the counter, almost knocking over her tea cup.
“What the hell are we doing, Jack?” she glared at him, her eyes hot and resentful.
He pushed himself off the doorway slowly, straightening himself up.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“I mean, what are we doing? We’re leading separate lives, Jack, which really isn’t all that different from what we’ve been doing these past few years. We’re just more honest with it now. But this can’t go on, us tiptoeing around each other,” she huffed. “The only thing we got in common any more is Bobby and eventually he’s gonna start feeling the pressure of that, start feeling resentful that he’s being used as a dividing line between two properties.”
Jack took a step forward so he could speak without raising his voice. “Lureen, I know what you’re saying and I’m feeling the same, but I don’t want to be the one to leave Bobby.”
“Oh for Pete’s sakes, Jack, will you listen to yourself? What kind of dummy do you take me for? Of course you’re going to have to be the one to leave Bobby. What are you gonna do, drag him with you to Kansas?” she hissed furiously, stepping forward to within inches of his chest, jutting her chin up and out so she could glare daggers at him.
He reeled in shock. “What do you mean…Kansas? How did you…”
“You just stop right there, Jack Twist, and stop insulting my intelligence by acting all shocked and puzzled ‘cause I figured out what you got there in Kansas. Why you been gettin’ mail and phone calls and why you just had to stop by there on your way home from Lightnin’ Flat.”
He nodded dumbly, unprepared for Lureen’s brash honesty. “I figured you’d put two and two together.”
“Well, just ‘cause I know what’s going on doesn’t mean you don’t owe me some words on all this. I been your wife for almost ten years. You. Owe. Me!” she uttered, jabbing her finger into his chest three times with emphasis.
“All right, fine!” he growled, his own temper flaring. “What do you want to know first? You want to know how I’ve loved him since I was nineteen? You want to know how I was ready to drop everything, even you and Bobby, if he even once told me he was willing to spend his life with me? But when he finally showed up at our doorstep a few months ago, telling me he was going to change, I’ve been too fucking scared to make a life with him because maybe I’m too broken, too messed up, too used to pushing people away?”
He didn’t flinch when she drew her hand back, willing her to slap him, prepared for the sting. She stopped midway though, letting out a low growl, her open hand balling up into a fist instead and punching him good and hard, right in his solar plexus.
He doubled over, seeing stars, opening his mouth wide to catch some air but finding nothing there. He wheezed, noting dimly that Lureen continued to stand in front of him, as if she enjoyed looking down on him while he struggled for breath. He was almost afraid to straighten up, wondering if he was going to see her winding up for round two.
“Jesus, Lureen!” he sputtered.
“I am not going to feel sorry for you, you lousy son of a bitch. I just gave you what you deserve for cheating on me all this time. For making false promises…”
“I did not! When we got married I thought he was outta my life for good! I never intended…”
“Oh so you mean to tell me a tornado blew you back and forth between Childress and wherever the hell y’all went to for your damn fishing trips? I don’t set much store by your intentions when he had your heart long before you ever set eyes on me!”
“Is that what’s got you so wound up? Because he came first?”
“Hell yes, Jack! Because he came first and I never did! I never did!” she cried, swiping furiously at the tears streaking down her face. “I deserve more than second place, Jack Twist!” She covered her eyes with both hands desperately, almost as if by doing so she could shut him out.
He could barely speak past the lump in his throat. “Aww, Reenie. I’m so sorry,” he murmured, reaching out for her.
“Don’t you touch me!” she sobbed, taking a step back and clenching her fists again. “You come one step closer and I’ll sock you another one, see if I don’t.”
He held his hands out in front of him in a placating gesture, letting her know he was going to respect her wishes. Still, even though she was threatening bodily harm, he couldn’t help but admire her grit. Her spirit is what drew him to her in the first place, and he felt inexplicably warmed by it, even now.
“Reenie, I’m in the wrong, that’s plain to see. I got no excuse for the way I’ve treated you,” Jack admitted.
Lureen seemed surprised by Jack’s ready acceptance of her anger. In fact, she looked vaguely disappointed he wasn’t putting up more of a fight.
“I had plenty of opportunities to step out on you, I’m still considered attractive to some,” she said, her tone challenging, almost goading. “But I never did, Jack, not once. Maybe if I had I wouldn’t look like such a fool,” she muttered bitterly.
“You could never look like a fool.”
“Says the man who made me one. I ain’t gonna accept any comfort from you, so quit trying to smooth things over.” Lureen walked away from him, pulling out a chair and sitting down. She put her elbows on the table, resting her head in her hands. “And the really humiliating thing is I wasn’t even woman enough to keep you from turning queer.”
“Lureen, you listen to me. I was this way long before I ever met you.”
“Then how come you didn’t just stay queer? Coulda saved me a whole lotta heartache.”
“I told you, I thought Ennis and I were done. Didn’t think there was any future down that road. Figured we’d be killed for sure if the truth ever came out. Plus Ennis, well, he just couldn’t admit to what was going on between us. Just wanted it gone, wanted me gone. All I saw in front of me was a dead end street.”
He pulled up a chair opposite Lureen, sitting down heavily. “Then I met you and I convinced myself I could turn my back on who I was, I could be who you wanted me to be, what the world wanted me to be.
“Jack, you dumbass,” murmured Lureen, shaking her head.
“I know it, and I feel real bad for the hurt I caused you. But I’m not gonna be sorry we had Bobby. I will never regret being his Daddy,” he said fiercely.
“Well good, because that’s one thing you can’t turn your back on. You and I can get divorced, but I ain’t gonna let you divorce him, too. That boy thinks the world of you.”
“Right now he does. But once he finds out about…all this…it’s a guarantee his opinion will change.” Jack uttered despondently, not even trying to mask his distress.
“Shut up, Jack. We raised our son better than that. Once he’s through being mad he’ll realize you’re the same Daddy who taught him how to tie his shoelaces, and ride his bike, and throw a baseball. His life will change along with ours, but you being his Daddy, that will never change.” Lureen said all these things grudgingly, clearly not wanting to give comfort but unable to help herself. She stood up abruptly and grabbed the piece of cake off the counter, placing it in the middle of the table. When she placed two forks on either side of the cake, his vision blurred.
“Aww, Reenie, I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
“Well, you ain’t gettin’ it. It’s just a piece of cake, Jack.” She picked up the fork and cut herself a corner.
“Oh, okay. As long as we’re clear,” he said wryly, wiping at his eyes. They shared a glance then, acknowledging that brief moment of connection. He picked up his fork as well and helped himself to a mouthful.
“I don’t even know why I got so mad just now. You gotta know I had things figured out a few weeks ago,” Lureen said thoughtfully. “I guess just having it all confirmed means there’s no turning back, no pretending it all away.” She swirled a bit of icing on her finger and licked it off. “What I can’t figure out is why you’re not down in Kansas already. When you told me you was stopping off there on your way home from your folks, I thought for sure you’d be going down there with packed boxes, ready to make the move.”
“That would’ve been okay with you?” he asked, completely shocked.
“No, of course not. But since when did I ever get a say in all this? Don’t forget, I met Ennis, and as much as I want to hate him, he’s got his own brand of charm. Plus, just because I think you’re an asshole, don’t mean I want you to be miserable for the rest of your life. If he’s the one for you, then I figure you should be with him.”
He shook his head in disbelief. “Reenie, I gotta tell you, I never expected this from you. The hollering and the punching, yeah. But you tellin’ me to go be with Ennis? Never in a million years.”
Lureen leaned forward. “This is the way I see it. If the Cowboys got knocked out of the playoffs by Green Bay, then I’d want Green Bay to win the whole thing, because then my team lost to the best.”
“Well, I’m thinking there are other women who’d want Green Bay to get pulverized for knocking the Cowboys out.”
“Sure thing. But I ain’t most women. I got Bobby to think about, and if I live the rest of my life hating you, then what’s that gonna teach my son?” She started to play with the crumbs on the table, making little designs. “I know what it’s like to have a Daddy who cuts people with words, who sits in judgment of others. And in some ways, I gotta thank you for getting me out from under his thumb. So…if you gotta go to Kansas to find happiness, I’m not gonna stand in your way.”
“Geez, Lureen, that’s a helluva lot more than I deserve.”
“Aww, hush, Jack. I haven’t been an angel in all this. I stood by all these years and let myself get lost in my work, basically turning a blind eye to how miserable we both were. I’d sit in front of my adding machine, punching in numbers, trying to convince myself that everything was okay as long as the numbers added up.” She shook her head. “But here in this home, nothing was adding up, and now I see why, because there was someone else in the equation. Wasn’t right for you to step out on me, true enough, though it seems to me if he came first you been stepping out on both of us all this time.”
At this, she gave him a pointed look, meant to shame him. But then she bit her lip then sighed, and her eyes softened up. “Still, I been standing by letting my Daddy cut you down, and taking some satisfaction from it, which wasn’t right. Letting my Daddy do and say things I wanted to, instead of speaking up for myself. Regardless of what was going on between us, Bobby shouldn’t have witnessed that. I never fought for you in front of our son, and I never fought to keep you in this marriage. Why should I fight you now?”
She looked up then and gave him a tentative look, the corners of her mouth trembling into an almost-smile. It made her look so much like the girl who dragged him into the backseat of her Daddy’s car so long ago, asking him if they were going too fast. He realized that he missed that girl, that she’d been his friend at one time, and maybe now he’d found her again.
“Reenie, hell, I don’t know what to say. I feel even more of a dumbass now because I been gearing up to talk to you about Kansas and all, but I thought you’d kick me to the curb faster’n you can spit and I thought I’d lose Bobby for sure. Although, that was only one of the reasons I was sticking around,” he confessed.
This time it was his turn to look down at the table, fiddling with his fork. “I’m sorry if this sounds insulting to you, but this is the only way I can describe what these past weeks have been like for me. I feel like a man sentenced to life imprisonment, serving out his sentence, but all of a sudden I’m told I’ve been pardoned and I can go free. So here I am, standing at the prison gates with the door wide open, and all I have to do is take one step to freedom. One step...and I can’t do it.” His hands clenched in frustration.
“Jack, what are you afraid of? You told me Ennis came down here and told you he wanted to make a go of things. He’s been writing you letters, calling you…what more do you want? Did something happen in Kansas?”
He nodded. “Yeah, umm, his sister walked in on me as I was stepping outta the shower.” He glanced up when Lureen gave a little squeak, her hand covering her mouth in surprise. “Ennis thought it would be funny to take the towel, so I’m hollering at him, dripping wet, and he’s coming out of the bedroom, and that’s when his sister flounces in through the front door.”
He heaved a deep sigh. “Of course, Ennis and I are stunned, so we’re both lookin’ at each other. And I saw this expression come over him, just for a minute, like he hated me, like he didn’t want me there, like his life would be so much easier if I wasn’t in it.” He caught Lureen’s eyes, wanting to explain. “I couldn’t take it, Reenie. Sure I seen that expression a thousand times from my Daddy, and your Daddy, too, and maybe even you a few times, but I wasn’t expecting it from him, not after I let myself believe we could be together permanent. So I lost it, didn’t give him a chance to explain, just blew outta there and left him eating my dust.”
Lureen leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms, scowling furiously. “Jack Twist I want you to stand up right now so I can pop you again!”
“What? You wanna punch me again? For what?”
“For being such a fool! You left Ennis because for a split second he was thinking thoughts any person would’ve had! For Pete’s sakes, I love Bobby, you know I do, but there are times I wish he was gone, just so I could have a moment’s peace. He’s messy and loud and rude and he complicates things! So what’s the big deal if Ennis didn’t want to explain to his sister why a naked man was dripping water all over his bathroom floor?”
“Because he’s never acknowledged me! Because I’m afraid that if I spend the rest of my life with him I will always be that shameful secret he doesn’t want anyone to know about, that he wants to magically go away whenever people get too close to figuring out what we are to each other!” Jack paused, emotion making his breathing ragged. “My Daddy tried to break me with insults and fists, and somehow I survived all that. But always in the back of my mind is his voice tellin’ me I’m worthless, that I’ll never amount to anything, and I can’t help the voice inside me that answers him, tellin’ him he’s right. He’s right!”
“No, Jack, no!” whispered Lureen urgently.
“I survived being thrown by bulls. I survived being so poor the only thing that kept my boots together was string from potato sacks. I survived being told again and again that the sweet life I always dreamed about was never gonna happen, never gonna happen. But if I give Ennis everything, and I fail at that too, there’s no surviving that.”
“Jack, you listen to me. Your Daddy is a liar! You are not worthless! You gonna let lies rule your life? Because the truth is you came up from a dry and lonely place with a smile so wide people can’t help but feel a little bit lighter when they see it. The truth is you was raised with fists but never once have I ever seen you raise your hand to me or your boy. The truth is you drag yourself back to your childhood home every year, knowing what’s there for you, because you know you’re the only light in your Mama’s life and you can’t leave her in darkness.
“That’s the truth, Jack, and if I know all this, imagine what Ennis knows? He’s known you longer’n anybody. He must’ve figured you out because he’s wanting to make a life with you, knowing what people will say, knowing what his own fears are.” She uncrossed her arms and tapped the table sharply. “You better be minding what I’m saying now, Jack, because if you don’t, I really will reach over and knock some sense into your fool head.”
Jack felt the weight that had been crushing down on him suddenly lift. It was like he’d been ground down under his Daddy’s boot all these years, squashed down with each turn of the heel, getting smaller and smaller, fading into the hard-packed earth. But Lureen’s words had released him, as if he was a rope that had been caught on a nail, and she’d given him that tug he needed to spring clear.
He looked at Lureen and wanted to laugh and cry and hug her all at the same time. Instead, he gave her that smile she’d alluded to. “Lureen Newsome Twist, if I wasn’t just about ready to divorce you, I’d ask you to marry me.”
She gave a sharp bark of laughter. “You blockhead. You’re just saying that because you don’t want a smack upside your head.”
“No, really, Lureen. No one’s ever said words like that to me. I mean, Ennis has tried, I think, but I been too caught up in gettin’ down on myself to really hear him. I hope, after all this, that you and me can be better friends than we were husband and wife.”
“I suppose that would be okay,” she shrugged, “as soon as I finish being mad at you.”
“What are you mad about, Mama?” came their son’s voice from the kitchen doorway.
Jack gazed at Lureen askance, not prepared for this discussion. She looked back at him calmly, giving him a reassuring nod.
“Well, your Daddy and I, we’re thinking things aren’t working out too well between us. And it can’t be too fun for you tiptoeing around us all the time.”
Bobby shook his head, taking a few steps forward. “No, Mama, it ain’t too bad, I can take it. Really,” he said hopefully.
Lureen patted the chair beside her and motioned for Bobby to sit down. “Now, son, you’re smart enough to know there’s just some things can’t be fixed. We love you a whole lot, and that’ll never change, but we think it’s better for all of us if me and Daddy split up.”
Bobby’s chin began to quiver. “No Mama,” he cried, “I don’t want you to.”
Jack put his arm around his boy, wishing there was some way he could spare his son this hurt. “Bobby, this ain’t your fault, we want you to know that. You’re a good son, the very best. But your Mama and I can’t be happy if we stay married, and we want you to live in a happy home, not one filled with angry, sad people.”
“Yeah, but how am I gonna be happy if you and Mama ain’t in the same place? My friend Larry’s folks gotta divorce and his Mama and Daddy are always fightin’ over where he goes for Christmas or his birthday. What if I wanna talk to you about something, something really important? I wanna knock on your door and see you right away, not call you on the phone!”
Lureen put a hand on Bobby’s arm, stroking it soothingly. “Your Daddy and I haven’t ironed out all the details, but we’re gonna do our best to be friends through all this so you don’t wind up pulled in two directions like your buddy Larry. We know this isn’t gonna be easy on you, on all of us, but just because me and your Daddy aren’t gonna be married anymore, doesn’t mean we’re not a family. I’m still your Mama, and your Daddy will always be your father, and you’ll always be our son. Nothing’s gonna change that. We’re still a family, just different from the way we used to be.”
Jack hugged his son tightly as Lureen rubbed Bobby’s back, both of them whispering words like “Hush” and “Alright, now” and “It’s okay.” He thought about how his Mama used to comfort him with the same words, how she used to rock him in her arms, careful not to jostle bruised limbs. He’d give his son that comfort now, and hoped that some day his boy would look back on this and know he was far from abandoned, that his parents had tried to give him a sense of belonging even though they no longer belonged to each other.
He leaned down and placed a kiss on his son’s head, a head currently bowed by grief that will probably take years to fade. After a brief hesitation he placed a kiss on Lureen’s head as well, knowing that they won’t always see eye to eye, but he was grateful for the unexpected friendship she’d given him when he’d desperately needed it. He vowed then never to look back on his marriage with regret, as wasted years empty of love. Instead he would look at what these years had given him, and recognize he’d needed the lessons of these years to unclip his wings, to leave the bars of his prison behind and fly triumphantly towards freedom…towards love.
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Jack was dreaming. He knew it was a dream because the colours around him had taken on that sepia tone that reminded him of the old pictures his Mama had squirreled away in the attic.
He watched as two boys sat by a pond; they looked and acted like they were maybe nine years old, but it seemed the connection between them was older than their years. They dangled their feet in the water, jeans rolled up to their knees, swatting away flies that tried to get at their bologna and Cheez Whiz sandwiches. They chewed quietly, shoulders touching, the breeze ruffling the golden curls on one boy, and the thick dark locks that no amount of spit could keep down, on the other.
“Wanna get away from this place,” the dark-haired boy said, blue eyes looking down at the minnows that nibbled at his toes.
“I know it, but where will we go? Ain’t no place for us,” said the fair-haired boy, brown eyes troubled as he began to drop little bits of crust in the water for the fish to take, his own appetite gone.
“Sure there is. Gotta be some place for us.”
“My Daddy says…” the blonde boy began.
“We’ll go somewhere your Daddy’s voice can’t reach,” the brunette said, desperately.
The fair one appeared unconvinced, chewing on a hangnail. But then he sighed and leaned his head against the other boy, putting his arm around the dark boy’s shoulders.
“We’ll go somewhere your Daddy’s voice can’t reach, too,” whispered the blonde.
The dark haired boy spit on his hand and held it out. “Do you swear?” he said.
The fair one spit on his hand and shook his friend’s hand. “Jack, I swear.”
Jack woke from the dream slowly, his hand clutching the brown paper bag he’d started sleeping with ever since he came back from his visit with Ennis. He made an effort to loosen his hold on the bag, not wanting to tear the paper and expose what was inside. He supposed he could just go and get another bag, one that was unlined and perfectly crisp. But he liked how the paper crinkled like dry leaves when he held it, how wrinkles of time had softened the bag until it was buttery as leather, melding to its contents, carefully swaddling what was within.
In his mind he heard the boys in his dream making a vow and sealing it with spit and skin. The echo of the pledge resonated in him now, inviolate and unshakeable.
He reached into the bag and placed his hand on worn cotton, closed his eyes and whispered, “Ennis…I swear.”
TBC