The Dance: Chapter 13 - Smoke on the Horizon
Genre & Rating: Canon/AU, R for cursing.
Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.
Summary: This is the continuation of The Package, and takes place after Ennis and Alma's divorce. Ennis has moved to Kansas and is trying to find a way for him and Jack to be together. The road is bumpy and uneven but each small step brings both Jack and Ennis closer to the dance.
Thanks: To
poppyhoney_67for her beta help. Also thanks to
montana_crows for help with the military jargon and for basically giving me the confidence to keep going. All mistakes are mine.
Dedication: To Elizabeth. You know how SB says each book she does has a character that's the heart of it? Well, you're the heart of this chapter. Happy Birthday, big sister.
The Dance: Chapter 13 - Smoke on the Horizon
Comfortably Numb
(Gilmour, Waters)
Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?
Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I'll need some information first.
Just the basic facts.
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain you would not understand
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
O.K.
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more aaaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working, good.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
<><><><><><><>
Ennis leaned against the truck, twirling his keys around his fingers. Never, in all his born days, had he ever spent so much time waiting around for folks to get their asses in gear. Most times Jack was at the meeting spot before him. And Alma, came to a point where all he had to do was sigh heavy and jiggle his knee a bit and she’d get the message.
“Nick! You comin’ or what?” Ennis yelled.
“Don’t get your knickers in a knot, Janie’s still gettin’ the grocery list together!” Nick yelled back.
Ennis sighed. Janie. Of course. He thought them sheep up on Brokeback were ornery. He felt his mouth quirk as he thought on his current fantasy that did not involve Jack Twist: Janie Roberts and Joe Aguirre separating sheep that had gotten mixed up with the Chileans’. He had to bite his lip to keep from chuckling out loud.
He was interrupted from his musing by the sound of Nick slamming out the front door and thumping down the porch steps.
“Quick, Ennis, we’d best make our getaway before she decides she’s gotta make another hundred jars a jam or somethin’ and we gotta add more sugar to the list,” Nick urged, jumping into the truck.
Ennis didn’t have to be asked twice and had the truck started and down the long driveway pronto.
“She get on you again about them cookies?” Ennis asked.
Nick grinned sheepishly. “Yeah. I told her she gotta label stuff if she don’t want ‘em to get eaten. How was I supposed to know she was savin’ that batch a sugar cookies for the Christmas bazaar?” Nick appeared unrepentant. “They tasted real good, too. I tried to make it up to her by tellin’ her they were the best batch she ever made, and I noticed how nice they looked with that shiny green stuff and the red sugar sprinkles on ‘em. You know, kinda explain to her I realized it musta taken hours to decorate ‘em and that’s why I left a couple for her. But…somehow…I don’t think that was the right thing to say.”
Ennis nodded thoughtfully. “Women just don’t get it when we do stuff like that for them.”
They fell into an easy silence, commiserating on the unpredictable nature of women.
“So…umm…you think we’re gonna get in trouble for eatin’ up all that fudge?” Nick asked, a note of worry in his voice.
Ennis shrugged uneasily. “Not sure, bud. I mean, it was in the freezer an’ all, so stuff in there should be safe, right? Wasn’t no note on it. Although, come to think of it, there were broken up bits a candy canes mixed up in the fudge so…maybe…”
“Shit-fire. You’re right! I bet you any money she will raise holy hell.”
“Well it don’t take much to provoke her, and that’s the truth. Maybe it was a good thing we ate it all so she’ll think she already gave it away to someone.”
“I don’t know, Ennis, it’s like she’s got an inventory list in between her eyes.”
“Well, then, how ‘bout I pick up some more a them candy canes and…what else she put in there to make ‘em all chocolatey?”
“Oh that’s easy,” Nick said confidently. “Hershey bars, it’s gotta be melted Hershey bars. Maybe she puts in flour and sugar and shit, too.”
“Okay, so I pick up a coupla extra candy canes and a few chocolate bars. So she got them ingredients in the cupboard in case she gotta make some more. Problem solved.” Ennis said, glad him and Nick were able to think through the situation logically and come up with a solution.
“And we’re gonna label ‘em, too, to remind ourselves not to eat ‘em up. See? Janie can avoid havin’ to bake all the time if she’d just listen to us in the first place.”
“Got that right.”
“Uh-huh.”
They settled into another silence, listening to the muted sound of the radio. Ennis was just about to turn on some music when another thought came to him.
“Hey, Nick, she didn’t put any…you know…on that list did she?”
Nick pulled the piece of paper out of his jacket pocket and scanned it quickly.
“Wow, you’re in luck. I think she knew it was your turn to do the groceries so she ain’t gonna make you go out and buy ‘em. She don’t care about humiliatin’ me, though. You shoulda seen the ruckus when I came home with Kotex instead a Modess.”
Ennis breathed a sigh of relief and said a silent prayer a thanks he don’t got a wife no more and, much as he loved ‘em, he ain’t gotta be around his daughters when they started using that stuff. Although, he felt a sudden pang as he thought of his Mama and his sister, Missy. Much as he grumbled over Janie, he remembered when a shard of loneliness pricked him the other night when he let himself out the front door after dinner and the sound of Nick and Janie’s muted laughter followed him out to the truck.
Truth was, he was starting to realize he was missing not only Jack, but a lot of other folk in his life. Folk he’d closed off because of circumstance and geography and his innate tendency to build fences instead a tearing ‘em down. Tore his own self down, more like, and cut himself off from folk that would have protected him from the kind of destruction he’d inflicted on his own self.
Weren’t such a bad thing, maybe, to re-connect with someone who shared childhood memories with him. Someone to squabble with. Someone who knew the way his Mama smelled after baking apple pies. Someone who had hair the exact same colour as his old Red Flyer wagon, the only thing his Daddy ever ordered from the Sears catalogue.
Well, best think about this some more after supper. Don’t even know if he got Missy’s number written down somewhere; Alma was the one who kept track a stuff like that. Plus, been orphaned for so long, kinda convinced himself he lost his whole family in that car wreck, including himself.
Ennis turned the radio up, hoping to drown out his thoughts, and concentrated on the road in front of him. At least with this road, he knew where he was heading.
<><><><><><><><>
“Okay, Ennis, I’m only playing poker this time, ain’t got an appointment for my knee or nothin’, so you just come in and get me when you’re done.” Nick said as he got out of the truck.
“You gonna be same place as last time, then? In the VA clinic?”
“Yeah, they bring Porter and Chevy down off the ward so we can all hang out without disturbing the other patients. Seems folk were complaining about some a the shit that come outta our mouths. Fuck ‘em.” Nick spat on the hospital driveway to punctuate his disgust.
Ennis could see by the distance in his friend’s eyes that Viet Nam had started to leak into Nick’s vision, and what Nick was seeing was the impenetrable jungle surrounding the Ho Chi Minh and not the main entrance to the Cheyenne County Hospital.
“Okay, Nick, take it easy, alright? I’ll be back in a few hours.”
Nick nodded and walked away from the truck, hands deep in his pockets, head bowed against more than the wind.
<><><><><><><>
Ennis lucked out and got one of the free parking spots beside the hospital. He didn’t feel guilty about taking it, neither. Figured Nick done enough for his country, ain’t no way he should be paying for parking while he kept company with men who left this country as boys barely old enough to shave, and still came back as boys, in many ways. Boys who’d seen too much, too fast, and ain’t got any idea of how to live the rest of their lives as men without legs or arms or sweethearts who got tired a waiting.
Ennis ain’t never been one to sit around and play cards or drink beer and shoot the shit with some of the other farmhands after work. Jack was really the first person he’d done that with, go to the bar for a coupla beers with someone he hardly knew. Most times he preferred his own company. He had years of experience lining up empties in front of him in a neat row; he didn’t need no one to help him out in that department.
When Nick first started to go to the VA clinic to get his knee checked out, Ennis didn’t think twice about it, just dropped him off and ran some errands around town. Then Nick had to go and talk to some people about a VA loan, see if they could get some help for the ranch. Ennis knew most of his salary came from Janie’s survivor benefits so he willingly drove Nick to those appointments as well, hoping Nick could get the loan and Janie wouldn’t have to use up so much of her entitlement to keep Ennis employed.
But this going to the hospital a few times a week to hang out with some of the vets in the wards, Ennis wasn’t sure he understood that part of it. Except for when they first met, Nick didn’t seem to be falling apart. Ennis’d even met Porter and Chevy and they seemed to be okay guys, normal even.
Guess guys like Nick and Jack just enjoyed being around other men. Nick could be pretty close-mouthed, but most times he talked free with Ennis. There weren’t no awkward silences with Nick, like there’d been when he was on the road crew, or with most people except Jack. Although…Nick barely talked about the war, just bits and pieces mentioned in passing. Ennis never asked, he didn’t want no repeat of what happened on the side of the road when he went back to Riverton to pick up his stuff. From what he’d read in the papers and seen on TV, Nick probably saw some pretty bad shit going down over there.
Ennis made his way through the hospital corridors and went to the area designated as the VA clinic. The closest VA hospital was in Kansas City so the clinic was set up twice a month for the vets who couldn’t make it all the way to KC. Of course, there were some, like Nick’s buddies, who were checked into the hospital permanent until they were well enough to go home. From what Nick said, seems those guys were getting wheeled down to the clinic just so’s they could play some cards without offending anyone. Ennis felt spittle form in his throat, and he had to stop himself from doing the same as Nick had done outside at the main entrance just a few hours ago.
He found Nick and a few other fellas sitting around a table in an empty hospital room right by the clinic.
“Fuckit! I’d be playing better if I could smoke!” said Porter, a grizzled looking man hidden behind a scraggly beard and greasy shoulder length brown hair. When Ennis’d first met him, Ennis thought he and the man were about the same age. Then he heard Porter speak, and realized he was closer to Nick’s age. Ennis wasn’t sure how tall Porter would’ve been if he had both his legs.
“Says you, dipshit,” answered the guy raking in the chips with his one good arm. When Ennis first met him, it had taken him a while to notice the missing limb; the man was built like a mountain, solid as a rock.
“Chevy, you are on a roll, my man. Done cleaned me out, you sonofabitch.” Nick grinned, pointing to the empty spot in front of him, totally devoid of chips. “What’s your secret, man?”
“Well I could tell ya, but then I’d have to sleep with your sister.”
Ennis was surprised by how his jaw and his fists clenched when he heard Porter speak of Janie.
“Naw, she ain’t any good. Not half as good as your Mama this morning,” said a thin, wiry guy, with bloodshot eyes and dark shadows under and inside them. Everyone around the table erupted in laughter, including Nick and Chevy. Ennis relaxed his fists when he realized poker wasn’t the only game these boys were playing.
Nick spied Ennis hovering by the doorway and waved him inside.
“Ennis! You know Porter and Chevy, right?” Ennis gave each man a curt nod. “This here’s our FNG, what’s your name again? Mac, right?” Nick pointed to the thin guy who’d made the crack about Janie and Chevy’s mother. “Wandered into the clinic today lookin’ pathetic, like he was still in country living on C-rats, so we enlisted him for this poker game.”
“Good thing, too,” grumbled Porter. “At least I’m walkin’ - I mean, wheelin’ away - from this game with a few bucks in my pocket. Fuckin’ Chevy over there’s a vampire tryin’ to suck blood from a stone.”
“Might as well be a vampire, amount a sleep I’m gettin,” muttered Chevy, rubbing his eyes wearily. Ennis could tell from the way the rest of the men were nodding their heads that Chevy wasn’t the only guy who had trouble sleeping.
“Ain’t slept in, maybe, three or four days, I don’t fuckin know. That’s why I’m here,” whispered Mac. “Wife threw me out last night, says she cain’t take no more.”
A heavy silence descended, cards forgotten. If only other things could be forgotten just as easily.
“I keep seein things that ain’t there, you know?” Porter whispered, breathing harsh. Ennis saw Nick’s hand move an inch towards Porter’s but stopped short of touching it. “Including my fucking legs.” Porter covered his face with his hands, as Ennis and the rest of the men averted their eyes. “Aww, fuck this shit.”
Ennis felt like a fly caught on sticky paper, watching another fly flail and flounder against the inevitable. He saw Nick shake his head, mouth grim, push himself away from the table and stand up abruptly.
“Okay, boys, gotta go. I’ll uh, see ya ‘round.” Nick said this to a spoke on Porter’s wheelchair, not meeting anyone’s eyes.
A chill went up Ennis’ spine when Nick finally did look up and catch his eye, because what he saw there was reflected in the eyes of the other men in the room. He shifted uncomfortably, reminded of those times his big sister Missy and him went to visit his parent’s graves. Looking in Nick’s eyes was like looking at a row of tombstones, stark and lonely, marking a life departed, never to return.
He didn’t know what made him do it, maybe because Nick’s blue eyes reminded him of another time he’d seen this expression on another man.
“You gonna do this again next week?” Ennis knew he wasn’t asking, he knew it sounded like a challenge, but he didn’t give a shit about that.
Nick seemed to snap back into himself, looked down at his feet briefly then took a deep breath. He turned back towards the table and addressed the men. “Yeah, sure, cards next week.”
Nick’s announcement cut through the tension in the room and the men seemed eager to go back to the easy camaraderie that had existed just minutes before.
“You might as well bring your sister, Nicky, I’m gonna clean you outta cash so fast you’ll have to bring her along to settle your bill,” Chevy boasted.
“Well, now, from what I hear you’d like it better if I had a brother.” Nick quipped back. Nick and Ennis made their way out the door.
“Oh, suck my dick,” Chevy called out, to hoots and jeers from the rest of the men.
“No, thanks. I heard your Mama already done it this morning.” Nick flashed a grin at Ennis, rolling his eyes and laughing when Chevy gave him the finger.
Ennis led Nick to the truck, sinking into the driver’s seat gratefully, glad he’d emerged unscathed after negotiating that mine field. A palpable silence fell between the two men; Ennis knew Nick was working himself up to saying something.
“How’d you know?” asked Nick, voice gruff with feeling.
“Know what?”
“Know I wasn’t plannin’ on playin’ cards with ‘em again?”
Ennis looked over at Nick and winced at the raw emotion he saw there. He’d only ever seen that expression on the man he held most dear, and that beloved face seemed to superimpose itself for a split second on Nick. Goddamn. If only he’d said yes to Jack once they come down off that mountain. If only he hadn’t cut himself off and hidden himself away and resigned himself to a life without living. Ain’t no way he was going to stand by and watch that happen again. Not to himself, not to Jack, and not to this young man who’d given him friendship where none was expected.
Ennis spoke carefully, choosing his words his care. “I know a few things about runnin’ away. Come to know nothin’ good ever come of it. Believe me, Nick, you don’t wanna
get to my age and realize you cain’t live on a deserted island all your life. Ain’t no way to live. Even worse, ain’t no way to die.”
Nick nodded, then began to speak haltingly, as if he was in a confessional cataloguing his sins. “But…we’re all seein’ things, all a us there around that table. Crazy shit, too. Gooks, and guys we killed and guys got killed savin’ us. Other day I was watchin’ you and Janie givin’ your ridin’ lessons and I seen kids from the villages around Con Thien pop up and I had to stop myself from callin’ out to be careful a the land mines. How fucked up is that, Ennis?”
Ennis didn’t know what to say. Nothing in the toolbox he always kept in his truck could fix this. He shrugged, and sighed heavy. The only experience he could bring to this discussion is from a boy whose parents died too young, and who’d lived most of his life set apart, a square peg that don’t fit in.
“You’re right, Nick, it’s totally fucked up. You seen stuff over there ain’t no one around here ever seen before. But that’s why you gotta stick with them other vets, boy. They’re seein’ the same stuff you’re seein’. You turn your back on them, you turnin’ your back on your own kind.”
Nick laughed grimly. “’Spose if we’re gonna be fucked up, we might as well be fucked up together.”
Ennis thought on Jack and this sweet life they been dreaming about. Truer words were never spoken.
<>><><><><><>
Back at the ranch, Ennis and Nick carried the groceries in to Janie’s incessant chatter and a table already set for supper.
“What took y’all so long? The meatloaf’s gonna be dry as cardboard by the time we sit down to eat it. I don’t want to hear any complaints, neither, cause it’s on account a you two lollygaggin’ around town takin’ your own sweet time.”
“Good thing we bought ketchup then,” Nick muttered.
“What’s that I hear? Did you just say ketchup? No way in heck are you drowning my prize winning meatloaf in ketchup!”
“Well you said it was gonna be dry.”
“That’s right, Janie, that’s what you said,” added Ennis, shamelessly adding fuel to the fire.
“My meatloaf is not dry, thank you very much. If you two hadn’t wasted your time picking daisies it’d be in your belly right now instead of drying out on your plate.”
“But you said…”
“Never mind what I said!” Janie huffed, scooping mashed potatoes beside the meatloaf. “Y’all better sit down here right this minute and get to this supper before it’s ruined. Honestly, I don’t know why I bother making anything nice for you two, the way you slop everything in ketchup, drowning out all the flavour, making it all-“
Nick cut her short before she could gather more wind for her sails. “Sorry, Janie, my card game at the clinic went late.” Nick sat down heavy on his chair.
Janie began to fill their coffee cups as the men started eating. When she passed by Nick to put the coffee pot back on the stove, Janie silently reached out and placed her hand on the back of Nick’s neck. Nick put his fork down, gently placed his hand on top of hers for a few beats, before taking up his fork again.
“Thanks, sis,” Nick said, quietly.
All he received was a, “Well, you better not be thinking you’re getting dessert,” in reply.
<><><><><><><<><>
Ennis finally sat down after a half hour of pacing, placing a worn piece of paper beside the telephone. He ignored the way his fingers trembled as they traced the name on the paper. He glanced at the clock, trying to tell himself it was too late to call. He brushed at a few crumbs from the chocolate chip cookies Janie had wrapped up for him after supper and found his fingers straying again to the paper beside the phone. His eyes lit on the latest envelope from Childress on the other side of the phone and took a deep breath, finding the courage to pick up the phone and dial it.
“Hello?” from the other end of the line, a voice that instantly transported Ennis back to sunny days laying in the tall grass, swatting lazily at the dragonflies that flitted around him, trying to convince his big sister the cloud overhead looked nothing at all like a bunny but was, instead, a fierce and mighty dragon who was gonna swoop down and breathe fire all over K.E..
He knew he should be saying something in reply, but, for a second, he felt like a dragon really had swooped down and burnt the inside of his throat to ashes.
“Uh,” he croaked, “uh, this is Ennis? Ennis Del Mar?”
The silence on the other end of the line was deafening. He heard a sharp intake of breath then a water-logged, “Oh my…Ennis? Is that…is that you?”
“Yeah, Missy, yeah it is.”
“Oh dear God, only person ever got away with callin’ me that is…it’s really you, ain’t it, Ennis?”
Ennis caught himself nodding, then realized Missy couldn’t see that from the other end of the line, so he said, “Umm.”
“Well, where in the hell have you been? Your address musta changed a hundred times. Would it hurt your stupid ass to let your sister know where you’re at?” Ennis winced at the sharpness in Missy’s tone, this time remembering them times she’d given him a swat on the hand for trying to steal a piece of banana bread of her plate.
“Well..uh…”
“I don’t want to hear no excuses, Ennis Del Mar, I raised you better’n that. I’d just about given up hearing from you ever again. Why, I was lookin’ for you everywhere I went, even when I was down in Mexico on vacation, thinkin’ maybe you might’ve taken up ranching down there.”
“No, I’m in Kansas now.”
“Kansas, you say? Well, hell. How’d you wind up all the way over there? You better not be thinkin’ of hangin’ up any time soon, Ennis, cause I got questions for you and I have waited too long to have ‘em answered. Hear me?”
“Yeah, I hear,” Ennis said softly, feeling an empty space inside of him begin to fill up, the sharp edges of the square peg starting to round out.
“Well then.” Missy’s voice trembled and Ennis heard a muffled sob as moisture formed in his own eyes. He heard her clear her throat delicately before continuing. “Well then…now you’re cookin’ with gas. We gotta lotta catchin’ up to do.”
Ennis felt the smile forming not just on his lips, but thrum all the way through his body, until he could feel it’s warmth lodge deep in his chest. He hadn’t gone all the way to Viet Nam to lose parts of himself, but he’d found at least one way to grow back a limb he’d been missing all these years.
He picked up the telephone and Jack’s letter and made his way over the couch, stretching himself in more ways than one until he was comfortable, uncaring of the phone bill for once, content to be someone’s little brother again. He held the receiver close to his ear, letting his sister’s voice wash over him, and put Jack’s letter over his chest, right above his heart. Even if it was just for this minute, he was back to being around his own kind, not so lonesome anymore.
TBC.
A/N: FNG - fuckin' new guy, C-rats - canned rations.
Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis were created by the Great and Mighty Annie Proulx. I'm just the dude behind the yellow curtain working the lights and using the Big Voice microphone.
Summary: This is the continuation of The Package, and takes place after Ennis and Alma's divorce. Ennis has moved to Kansas and is trying to find a way for him and Jack to be together. The road is bumpy and uneven but each small step brings both Jack and Ennis closer to the dance.
Thanks: To
poppyhoney_67for her beta help. Also thanks to
montana_crows for help with the military jargon and for basically giving me the confidence to keep going. All mistakes are mine.
Dedication: To Elizabeth. You know how SB says each book she does has a character that's the heart of it? Well, you're the heart of this chapter. Happy Birthday, big sister.
The Dance: Chapter 13 - Smoke on the Horizon
Comfortably Numb
(Gilmour, Waters)
Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?
Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I'll need some information first.
Just the basic facts.
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain you would not understand
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
O.K.
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more aaaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working, good.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
<><><><><><><>
Ennis leaned against the truck, twirling his keys around his fingers. Never, in all his born days, had he ever spent so much time waiting around for folks to get their asses in gear. Most times Jack was at the meeting spot before him. And Alma, came to a point where all he had to do was sigh heavy and jiggle his knee a bit and she’d get the message.
“Nick! You comin’ or what?” Ennis yelled.
“Don’t get your knickers in a knot, Janie’s still gettin’ the grocery list together!” Nick yelled back.
Ennis sighed. Janie. Of course. He thought them sheep up on Brokeback were ornery. He felt his mouth quirk as he thought on his current fantasy that did not involve Jack Twist: Janie Roberts and Joe Aguirre separating sheep that had gotten mixed up with the Chileans’. He had to bite his lip to keep from chuckling out loud.
He was interrupted from his musing by the sound of Nick slamming out the front door and thumping down the porch steps.
“Quick, Ennis, we’d best make our getaway before she decides she’s gotta make another hundred jars a jam or somethin’ and we gotta add more sugar to the list,” Nick urged, jumping into the truck.
Ennis didn’t have to be asked twice and had the truck started and down the long driveway pronto.
“She get on you again about them cookies?” Ennis asked.
Nick grinned sheepishly. “Yeah. I told her she gotta label stuff if she don’t want ‘em to get eaten. How was I supposed to know she was savin’ that batch a sugar cookies for the Christmas bazaar?” Nick appeared unrepentant. “They tasted real good, too. I tried to make it up to her by tellin’ her they were the best batch she ever made, and I noticed how nice they looked with that shiny green stuff and the red sugar sprinkles on ‘em. You know, kinda explain to her I realized it musta taken hours to decorate ‘em and that’s why I left a couple for her. But…somehow…I don’t think that was the right thing to say.”
Ennis nodded thoughtfully. “Women just don’t get it when we do stuff like that for them.”
They fell into an easy silence, commiserating on the unpredictable nature of women.
“So…umm…you think we’re gonna get in trouble for eatin’ up all that fudge?” Nick asked, a note of worry in his voice.
Ennis shrugged uneasily. “Not sure, bud. I mean, it was in the freezer an’ all, so stuff in there should be safe, right? Wasn’t no note on it. Although, come to think of it, there were broken up bits a candy canes mixed up in the fudge so…maybe…”
“Shit-fire. You’re right! I bet you any money she will raise holy hell.”
“Well it don’t take much to provoke her, and that’s the truth. Maybe it was a good thing we ate it all so she’ll think she already gave it away to someone.”
“I don’t know, Ennis, it’s like she’s got an inventory list in between her eyes.”
“Well, then, how ‘bout I pick up some more a them candy canes and…what else she put in there to make ‘em all chocolatey?”
“Oh that’s easy,” Nick said confidently. “Hershey bars, it’s gotta be melted Hershey bars. Maybe she puts in flour and sugar and shit, too.”
“Okay, so I pick up a coupla extra candy canes and a few chocolate bars. So she got them ingredients in the cupboard in case she gotta make some more. Problem solved.” Ennis said, glad him and Nick were able to think through the situation logically and come up with a solution.
“And we’re gonna label ‘em, too, to remind ourselves not to eat ‘em up. See? Janie can avoid havin’ to bake all the time if she’d just listen to us in the first place.”
“Got that right.”
“Uh-huh.”
They settled into another silence, listening to the muted sound of the radio. Ennis was just about to turn on some music when another thought came to him.
“Hey, Nick, she didn’t put any…you know…on that list did she?”
Nick pulled the piece of paper out of his jacket pocket and scanned it quickly.
“Wow, you’re in luck. I think she knew it was your turn to do the groceries so she ain’t gonna make you go out and buy ‘em. She don’t care about humiliatin’ me, though. You shoulda seen the ruckus when I came home with Kotex instead a Modess.”
Ennis breathed a sigh of relief and said a silent prayer a thanks he don’t got a wife no more and, much as he loved ‘em, he ain’t gotta be around his daughters when they started using that stuff. Although, he felt a sudden pang as he thought of his Mama and his sister, Missy. Much as he grumbled over Janie, he remembered when a shard of loneliness pricked him the other night when he let himself out the front door after dinner and the sound of Nick and Janie’s muted laughter followed him out to the truck.
Truth was, he was starting to realize he was missing not only Jack, but a lot of other folk in his life. Folk he’d closed off because of circumstance and geography and his innate tendency to build fences instead a tearing ‘em down. Tore his own self down, more like, and cut himself off from folk that would have protected him from the kind of destruction he’d inflicted on his own self.
Weren’t such a bad thing, maybe, to re-connect with someone who shared childhood memories with him. Someone to squabble with. Someone who knew the way his Mama smelled after baking apple pies. Someone who had hair the exact same colour as his old Red Flyer wagon, the only thing his Daddy ever ordered from the Sears catalogue.
Well, best think about this some more after supper. Don’t even know if he got Missy’s number written down somewhere; Alma was the one who kept track a stuff like that. Plus, been orphaned for so long, kinda convinced himself he lost his whole family in that car wreck, including himself.
Ennis turned the radio up, hoping to drown out his thoughts, and concentrated on the road in front of him. At least with this road, he knew where he was heading.
<><><><><><><><>
“Okay, Ennis, I’m only playing poker this time, ain’t got an appointment for my knee or nothin’, so you just come in and get me when you’re done.” Nick said as he got out of the truck.
“You gonna be same place as last time, then? In the VA clinic?”
“Yeah, they bring Porter and Chevy down off the ward so we can all hang out without disturbing the other patients. Seems folk were complaining about some a the shit that come outta our mouths. Fuck ‘em.” Nick spat on the hospital driveway to punctuate his disgust.
Ennis could see by the distance in his friend’s eyes that Viet Nam had started to leak into Nick’s vision, and what Nick was seeing was the impenetrable jungle surrounding the Ho Chi Minh and not the main entrance to the Cheyenne County Hospital.
“Okay, Nick, take it easy, alright? I’ll be back in a few hours.”
Nick nodded and walked away from the truck, hands deep in his pockets, head bowed against more than the wind.
<><><><><><><>
Ennis lucked out and got one of the free parking spots beside the hospital. He didn’t feel guilty about taking it, neither. Figured Nick done enough for his country, ain’t no way he should be paying for parking while he kept company with men who left this country as boys barely old enough to shave, and still came back as boys, in many ways. Boys who’d seen too much, too fast, and ain’t got any idea of how to live the rest of their lives as men without legs or arms or sweethearts who got tired a waiting.
Ennis ain’t never been one to sit around and play cards or drink beer and shoot the shit with some of the other farmhands after work. Jack was really the first person he’d done that with, go to the bar for a coupla beers with someone he hardly knew. Most times he preferred his own company. He had years of experience lining up empties in front of him in a neat row; he didn’t need no one to help him out in that department.
When Nick first started to go to the VA clinic to get his knee checked out, Ennis didn’t think twice about it, just dropped him off and ran some errands around town. Then Nick had to go and talk to some people about a VA loan, see if they could get some help for the ranch. Ennis knew most of his salary came from Janie’s survivor benefits so he willingly drove Nick to those appointments as well, hoping Nick could get the loan and Janie wouldn’t have to use up so much of her entitlement to keep Ennis employed.
But this going to the hospital a few times a week to hang out with some of the vets in the wards, Ennis wasn’t sure he understood that part of it. Except for when they first met, Nick didn’t seem to be falling apart. Ennis’d even met Porter and Chevy and they seemed to be okay guys, normal even.
Guess guys like Nick and Jack just enjoyed being around other men. Nick could be pretty close-mouthed, but most times he talked free with Ennis. There weren’t no awkward silences with Nick, like there’d been when he was on the road crew, or with most people except Jack. Although…Nick barely talked about the war, just bits and pieces mentioned in passing. Ennis never asked, he didn’t want no repeat of what happened on the side of the road when he went back to Riverton to pick up his stuff. From what he’d read in the papers and seen on TV, Nick probably saw some pretty bad shit going down over there.
Ennis made his way through the hospital corridors and went to the area designated as the VA clinic. The closest VA hospital was in Kansas City so the clinic was set up twice a month for the vets who couldn’t make it all the way to KC. Of course, there were some, like Nick’s buddies, who were checked into the hospital permanent until they were well enough to go home. From what Nick said, seems those guys were getting wheeled down to the clinic just so’s they could play some cards without offending anyone. Ennis felt spittle form in his throat, and he had to stop himself from doing the same as Nick had done outside at the main entrance just a few hours ago.
He found Nick and a few other fellas sitting around a table in an empty hospital room right by the clinic.
“Fuckit! I’d be playing better if I could smoke!” said Porter, a grizzled looking man hidden behind a scraggly beard and greasy shoulder length brown hair. When Ennis’d first met him, Ennis thought he and the man were about the same age. Then he heard Porter speak, and realized he was closer to Nick’s age. Ennis wasn’t sure how tall Porter would’ve been if he had both his legs.
“Says you, dipshit,” answered the guy raking in the chips with his one good arm. When Ennis first met him, it had taken him a while to notice the missing limb; the man was built like a mountain, solid as a rock.
“Chevy, you are on a roll, my man. Done cleaned me out, you sonofabitch.” Nick grinned, pointing to the empty spot in front of him, totally devoid of chips. “What’s your secret, man?”
“Well I could tell ya, but then I’d have to sleep with your sister.”
Ennis was surprised by how his jaw and his fists clenched when he heard Porter speak of Janie.
“Naw, she ain’t any good. Not half as good as your Mama this morning,” said a thin, wiry guy, with bloodshot eyes and dark shadows under and inside them. Everyone around the table erupted in laughter, including Nick and Chevy. Ennis relaxed his fists when he realized poker wasn’t the only game these boys were playing.
Nick spied Ennis hovering by the doorway and waved him inside.
“Ennis! You know Porter and Chevy, right?” Ennis gave each man a curt nod. “This here’s our FNG, what’s your name again? Mac, right?” Nick pointed to the thin guy who’d made the crack about Janie and Chevy’s mother. “Wandered into the clinic today lookin’ pathetic, like he was still in country living on C-rats, so we enlisted him for this poker game.”
“Good thing, too,” grumbled Porter. “At least I’m walkin’ - I mean, wheelin’ away - from this game with a few bucks in my pocket. Fuckin’ Chevy over there’s a vampire tryin’ to suck blood from a stone.”
“Might as well be a vampire, amount a sleep I’m gettin,” muttered Chevy, rubbing his eyes wearily. Ennis could tell from the way the rest of the men were nodding their heads that Chevy wasn’t the only guy who had trouble sleeping.
“Ain’t slept in, maybe, three or four days, I don’t fuckin know. That’s why I’m here,” whispered Mac. “Wife threw me out last night, says she cain’t take no more.”
A heavy silence descended, cards forgotten. If only other things could be forgotten just as easily.
“I keep seein things that ain’t there, you know?” Porter whispered, breathing harsh. Ennis saw Nick’s hand move an inch towards Porter’s but stopped short of touching it. “Including my fucking legs.” Porter covered his face with his hands, as Ennis and the rest of the men averted their eyes. “Aww, fuck this shit.”
Ennis felt like a fly caught on sticky paper, watching another fly flail and flounder against the inevitable. He saw Nick shake his head, mouth grim, push himself away from the table and stand up abruptly.
“Okay, boys, gotta go. I’ll uh, see ya ‘round.” Nick said this to a spoke on Porter’s wheelchair, not meeting anyone’s eyes.
A chill went up Ennis’ spine when Nick finally did look up and catch his eye, because what he saw there was reflected in the eyes of the other men in the room. He shifted uncomfortably, reminded of those times his big sister Missy and him went to visit his parent’s graves. Looking in Nick’s eyes was like looking at a row of tombstones, stark and lonely, marking a life departed, never to return.
He didn’t know what made him do it, maybe because Nick’s blue eyes reminded him of another time he’d seen this expression on another man.
“You gonna do this again next week?” Ennis knew he wasn’t asking, he knew it sounded like a challenge, but he didn’t give a shit about that.
Nick seemed to snap back into himself, looked down at his feet briefly then took a deep breath. He turned back towards the table and addressed the men. “Yeah, sure, cards next week.”
Nick’s announcement cut through the tension in the room and the men seemed eager to go back to the easy camaraderie that had existed just minutes before.
“You might as well bring your sister, Nicky, I’m gonna clean you outta cash so fast you’ll have to bring her along to settle your bill,” Chevy boasted.
“Well, now, from what I hear you’d like it better if I had a brother.” Nick quipped back. Nick and Ennis made their way out the door.
“Oh, suck my dick,” Chevy called out, to hoots and jeers from the rest of the men.
“No, thanks. I heard your Mama already done it this morning.” Nick flashed a grin at Ennis, rolling his eyes and laughing when Chevy gave him the finger.
Ennis led Nick to the truck, sinking into the driver’s seat gratefully, glad he’d emerged unscathed after negotiating that mine field. A palpable silence fell between the two men; Ennis knew Nick was working himself up to saying something.
“How’d you know?” asked Nick, voice gruff with feeling.
“Know what?”
“Know I wasn’t plannin’ on playin’ cards with ‘em again?”
Ennis looked over at Nick and winced at the raw emotion he saw there. He’d only ever seen that expression on the man he held most dear, and that beloved face seemed to superimpose itself for a split second on Nick. Goddamn. If only he’d said yes to Jack once they come down off that mountain. If only he hadn’t cut himself off and hidden himself away and resigned himself to a life without living. Ain’t no way he was going to stand by and watch that happen again. Not to himself, not to Jack, and not to this young man who’d given him friendship where none was expected.
Ennis spoke carefully, choosing his words his care. “I know a few things about runnin’ away. Come to know nothin’ good ever come of it. Believe me, Nick, you don’t wanna
get to my age and realize you cain’t live on a deserted island all your life. Ain’t no way to live. Even worse, ain’t no way to die.”
Nick nodded, then began to speak haltingly, as if he was in a confessional cataloguing his sins. “But…we’re all seein’ things, all a us there around that table. Crazy shit, too. Gooks, and guys we killed and guys got killed savin’ us. Other day I was watchin’ you and Janie givin’ your ridin’ lessons and I seen kids from the villages around Con Thien pop up and I had to stop myself from callin’ out to be careful a the land mines. How fucked up is that, Ennis?”
Ennis didn’t know what to say. Nothing in the toolbox he always kept in his truck could fix this. He shrugged, and sighed heavy. The only experience he could bring to this discussion is from a boy whose parents died too young, and who’d lived most of his life set apart, a square peg that don’t fit in.
“You’re right, Nick, it’s totally fucked up. You seen stuff over there ain’t no one around here ever seen before. But that’s why you gotta stick with them other vets, boy. They’re seein’ the same stuff you’re seein’. You turn your back on them, you turnin’ your back on your own kind.”
Nick laughed grimly. “’Spose if we’re gonna be fucked up, we might as well be fucked up together.”
Ennis thought on Jack and this sweet life they been dreaming about. Truer words were never spoken.
<>><><><><><>
Back at the ranch, Ennis and Nick carried the groceries in to Janie’s incessant chatter and a table already set for supper.
“What took y’all so long? The meatloaf’s gonna be dry as cardboard by the time we sit down to eat it. I don’t want to hear any complaints, neither, cause it’s on account a you two lollygaggin’ around town takin’ your own sweet time.”
“Good thing we bought ketchup then,” Nick muttered.
“What’s that I hear? Did you just say ketchup? No way in heck are you drowning my prize winning meatloaf in ketchup!”
“Well you said it was gonna be dry.”
“That’s right, Janie, that’s what you said,” added Ennis, shamelessly adding fuel to the fire.
“My meatloaf is not dry, thank you very much. If you two hadn’t wasted your time picking daisies it’d be in your belly right now instead of drying out on your plate.”
“But you said…”
“Never mind what I said!” Janie huffed, scooping mashed potatoes beside the meatloaf. “Y’all better sit down here right this minute and get to this supper before it’s ruined. Honestly, I don’t know why I bother making anything nice for you two, the way you slop everything in ketchup, drowning out all the flavour, making it all-“
Nick cut her short before she could gather more wind for her sails. “Sorry, Janie, my card game at the clinic went late.” Nick sat down heavy on his chair.
Janie began to fill their coffee cups as the men started eating. When she passed by Nick to put the coffee pot back on the stove, Janie silently reached out and placed her hand on the back of Nick’s neck. Nick put his fork down, gently placed his hand on top of hers for a few beats, before taking up his fork again.
“Thanks, sis,” Nick said, quietly.
All he received was a, “Well, you better not be thinking you’re getting dessert,” in reply.
<><><><><><><<><>
Ennis finally sat down after a half hour of pacing, placing a worn piece of paper beside the telephone. He ignored the way his fingers trembled as they traced the name on the paper. He glanced at the clock, trying to tell himself it was too late to call. He brushed at a few crumbs from the chocolate chip cookies Janie had wrapped up for him after supper and found his fingers straying again to the paper beside the phone. His eyes lit on the latest envelope from Childress on the other side of the phone and took a deep breath, finding the courage to pick up the phone and dial it.
“Hello?” from the other end of the line, a voice that instantly transported Ennis back to sunny days laying in the tall grass, swatting lazily at the dragonflies that flitted around him, trying to convince his big sister the cloud overhead looked nothing at all like a bunny but was, instead, a fierce and mighty dragon who was gonna swoop down and breathe fire all over K.E..
He knew he should be saying something in reply, but, for a second, he felt like a dragon really had swooped down and burnt the inside of his throat to ashes.
“Uh,” he croaked, “uh, this is Ennis? Ennis Del Mar?”
The silence on the other end of the line was deafening. He heard a sharp intake of breath then a water-logged, “Oh my…Ennis? Is that…is that you?”
“Yeah, Missy, yeah it is.”
“Oh dear God, only person ever got away with callin’ me that is…it’s really you, ain’t it, Ennis?”
Ennis caught himself nodding, then realized Missy couldn’t see that from the other end of the line, so he said, “Umm.”
“Well, where in the hell have you been? Your address musta changed a hundred times. Would it hurt your stupid ass to let your sister know where you’re at?” Ennis winced at the sharpness in Missy’s tone, this time remembering them times she’d given him a swat on the hand for trying to steal a piece of banana bread of her plate.
“Well..uh…”
“I don’t want to hear no excuses, Ennis Del Mar, I raised you better’n that. I’d just about given up hearing from you ever again. Why, I was lookin’ for you everywhere I went, even when I was down in Mexico on vacation, thinkin’ maybe you might’ve taken up ranching down there.”
“No, I’m in Kansas now.”
“Kansas, you say? Well, hell. How’d you wind up all the way over there? You better not be thinkin’ of hangin’ up any time soon, Ennis, cause I got questions for you and I have waited too long to have ‘em answered. Hear me?”
“Yeah, I hear,” Ennis said softly, feeling an empty space inside of him begin to fill up, the sharp edges of the square peg starting to round out.
“Well then.” Missy’s voice trembled and Ennis heard a muffled sob as moisture formed in his own eyes. He heard her clear her throat delicately before continuing. “Well then…now you’re cookin’ with gas. We gotta lotta catchin’ up to do.”
Ennis felt the smile forming not just on his lips, but thrum all the way through his body, until he could feel it’s warmth lodge deep in his chest. He hadn’t gone all the way to Viet Nam to lose parts of himself, but he’d found at least one way to grow back a limb he’d been missing all these years.
He picked up the telephone and Jack’s letter and made his way over the couch, stretching himself in more ways than one until he was comfortable, uncaring of the phone bill for once, content to be someone’s little brother again. He held the receiver close to his ear, letting his sister’s voice wash over him, and put Jack’s letter over his chest, right above his heart. Even if it was just for this minute, he was back to being around his own kind, not so lonesome anymore.
TBC.
A/N: FNG - fuckin' new guy, C-rats - canned rations.