I'm Not There
He only spoke to me once. Just over a year ago. I had just finished reading an article about this hotel fire Jake was in and suddenly Heath's voice was in my head, saying, "Holy Shit! Jake almost died!" Of course, Jake's voice soon followed and the both of them nattered again and again until their voices drowned out all else and I had to write it all down or go batshit crazy. What resulted was my first LJ post on January 22, 2007, an RPS one-shot.
A year later, January 22, 2008, we've experienced a most grievous blow. But this time it's real. It grieves me sorely, that Heath's "now" voice is gone from us and what we have left is his "past" voice.
But what a voice! A voice that gave us Ennis. And, like Ennis, we are trying to cope with this postcard that's come back to us with the incomprehensible word "Deceased" stamped across it. Stuck inside a phone booth with the rest of the world watching and we can show nothing. Our heart gone from us but we go to our jobs, make dinner for our families, take the dog for a walk, silence our sobs, blink back our tears because no one knows, no one knows what we've lost. No one understands the love we poured into this man, the conversations we had with him, the dreams and fantasies he fulfilled. No one knows the friends he introduced us to, the close-knit community he inspired. No one knows how he brought us up to his mountain and revealed to us his greatest sorrow and his greatest triumph.
But, see, after some time, after the sobs have quietened to hiccups, and tears have disolved into salty tracks on our cheeks, maybe we'll remember there was a closet with two shirts. And there was a vow made. And it is possible to keep someone alive in our hearts, despite the grieving plain.
I do NOT want to use the past tense when referring to Heath Ledger. I do NOT want to watch the Academy Awards and see his name listed under the heading "In Memoriam." I do NOT want to see words like "coroner" and "inquest" beside his name.
Because his voice is not gone from me. Even if it's Ennis I hear. And you know what Ennis is saying? Heath may be gone, but I'm not there. I'm with you. I'm with you.
Peace be with you, Heath. I hope you went gently into that good night. Safe crossing, my friend.