I'm tired of boys and being fucking sick
Ok so I've been sick for a while now. And it's getting worse. I went to the health clinic on Thursday and despite the fact that I said my throat is THROBBING and my ears feel like they are going to explode, the doctor gave me nose spray. What the fuck is that going to do? So, I'm sitting here, it's 3:30 am, I'm waiting for my towels to get done drying so I can take a shower (because I haven't taken one since Friday) and pass out in my nice clean bed, since I just washed my sheets. I'm doing crew for Listen, and it is so unbelievably boring, I don't know what to do with myself. I have never done so little in my entire life on a crew, and because it is crew, I have to be there just the same amount of time. It is...without being dramatic, torture. I miss Beggar's Opera crew. That was fun. No wait. I don't miss crew. I miss acting. God, I miss acting. So much. I want to be on the stage so bad I'm in tears doing crew. The thing is, I don't mind doing crew. It's really not all that bad. My heart is on the stage though. And being back stage, watching everyone on stage, makes me want it even more. So it's not so much that crew is torture because it's crew, it's torture because I just want to act, and it's been quite a while since I have done so. I am not in an acting class, and I am not acting in any shows this semester. Which has to change next semester. It has to. Since I am not studying abroad, I am going to sell the drama department my heart and soul. It's like a heroine addiction. I really. have. to. act. now.
I also need to rant about my love life, or lack there of. I seem to fuck that up more often than not. And, I have yet to figure out exactly why. Is it because I'm awkward, or I'm just not the "right" kind of girl. It's not even so much that I want or need a BOYFRIEND; no, that's not it at all. I just desperately want to like someone and they like me back just as much and there being a possibility of something. It's not even the something that I want, it's the possibility. I feel like as soon as I almost hope for the tiniest bit of relief, that someone might possibly like me, I fuck up...blindly. I fuck up blindly. And then I do this, where I sit in my room on the cold ground with a really fucking sore throat and ponder about what I did wrong. And it upsets me. A lot. I just can't let go and move on already. The worste part is, is that I don't know if it upsets me or makes me sad or angers me. I don't think it's any of those words. I think it befuddles me, because I don't know what I did wrong that other people would know better not to do. Or, I think I'm not good enough, it is somehow my fault, my wrong doing. Which is not healthy. But I keep doing it. I let it get to me. It shouldn't get to me, but it does. I get really lonely sometimes. And this shouldn't be the reason why.
I just should stop fucking up...that or, know when I fuck up and know when I don't fuck up and not worry about it. There is just so much empty time to worry about what I do wrong.
FJALKFJAJF:LJCLKKAIEFOAHFLA:JFN
ok.
I also need to rant about my love life, or lack there of. I seem to fuck that up more often than not. And, I have yet to figure out exactly why. Is it because I'm awkward, or I'm just not the "right" kind of girl. It's not even so much that I want or need a BOYFRIEND; no, that's not it at all. I just desperately want to like someone and they like me back just as much and there being a possibility of something. It's not even the something that I want, it's the possibility. I feel like as soon as I almost hope for the tiniest bit of relief, that someone might possibly like me, I fuck up...blindly. I fuck up blindly. And then I do this, where I sit in my room on the cold ground with a really fucking sore throat and ponder about what I did wrong. And it upsets me. A lot. I just can't let go and move on already. The worste part is, is that I don't know if it upsets me or makes me sad or angers me. I don't think it's any of those words. I think it befuddles me, because I don't know what I did wrong that other people would know better not to do. Or, I think I'm not good enough, it is somehow my fault, my wrong doing. Which is not healthy. But I keep doing it. I let it get to me. It shouldn't get to me, but it does. I get really lonely sometimes. And this shouldn't be the reason why.
I just should stop fucking up...that or, know when I fuck up and know when I don't fuck up and not worry about it. There is just so much empty time to worry about what I do wrong.
FJALKFJAJF:LJCLKKAIEFOAHFLA:JFN
ok.