if i keep pretending, maybe i'll believe me too...
i haven't updated lately because i've been kinda upset. well, i'm stressed out. i even got in trouble at work cuz i wasn't working up to par because i'm stressed. The main thing i was stressing over is ok now, but the little things that usually disappear are not disappearing this time.
I want to cry as i'm writing this because I feel so down lately....i feel like nothing i do is good enough. I'm so excited to have my Grandma here, but we just got in a little argument and i HATE arguing, not with her, i don't argue with her ever. i love her too much for that....but my mom keeps having her say the little things to us that she doesn't want to. i've been asked to clean my room every single day, promised to do it friday before i went over to Dan's for his brother's birthday, and fully intended to do it. i don't like being treated like i'm dumb.
i have decided my college major:Political Science. i am going to be a lawyer...is that what i really want? it was at one point but now i'm not so sure...yet i'm doing it because for once i can SEE that you're proud and FEEL it. idk i hope it turns out to be what i want again.
I've been working on my senior project....a scrapbook. My dad is not in it. By dad, i mean the one in cali, the one my DNA matches, we don't talk anymore...it makes me cry, but nobody else knows that. i guess if u take the time to read it, u now know. I feel like a terrible person because i have not set a page aside for you, but how can I? i'm going to cry about it anyways, and when i'm presenting it, i'll be thinking about it too...
i'm finally getting to the point in my life where some action needs to be taken on this situation, growing up it was just blown off...the reality is it tears me apart. At some point i need to decide how things are going to be, but that seems to be out of my hands anyways...my heart is broken.
I miss my Pap soo much....it gets unbearable at times. i don't say anything to my mom or grandma because i don't want to upset them when they are ok for the moment....my Pap is my hero, and the reason i'm going to be strong through whatever hurts me, and be strong when my friends need me to be strong for them. I wish you were here Pap, i wish you could see me graduate. I love you.
You tell me i'm perfect and i'm beautiful every day, and the sad thing is i seem to believe it less and less every time...i don't want it to be like that. i want to believe it, because you are perfect.
i've done some things lately that i had decided a long time ago i didn't want to do....and then of course paid for it and regreted having done it. why did i do it? i look for acceptance and put others happiness before my own. Every little thing to make you love me more, right?
i hate that i feel bad for feeling bad about things.
sorry for the depressing entry, i just wanna know things are ok, and i haven't messed up that bad...i'm doing alright, right?
i feel bad because my sister is going through much worse things...i'm so sorry girlie, i'm here for you every step, through ALL of it and i understand. you know everything i'm talking about, you know I love you and things will be ok, you're very strong and i'm proud of you...but it's ok to be upset <3
*xOxOxO*
I want to cry as i'm writing this because I feel so down lately....i feel like nothing i do is good enough. I'm so excited to have my Grandma here, but we just got in a little argument and i HATE arguing, not with her, i don't argue with her ever. i love her too much for that....but my mom keeps having her say the little things to us that she doesn't want to. i've been asked to clean my room every single day, promised to do it friday before i went over to Dan's for his brother's birthday, and fully intended to do it. i don't like being treated like i'm dumb.
i have decided my college major:Political Science. i am going to be a lawyer...is that what i really want? it was at one point but now i'm not so sure...yet i'm doing it because for once i can SEE that you're proud and FEEL it. idk i hope it turns out to be what i want again.
I've been working on my senior project....a scrapbook. My dad is not in it. By dad, i mean the one in cali, the one my DNA matches, we don't talk anymore...it makes me cry, but nobody else knows that. i guess if u take the time to read it, u now know. I feel like a terrible person because i have not set a page aside for you, but how can I? i'm going to cry about it anyways, and when i'm presenting it, i'll be thinking about it too...
i'm finally getting to the point in my life where some action needs to be taken on this situation, growing up it was just blown off...the reality is it tears me apart. At some point i need to decide how things are going to be, but that seems to be out of my hands anyways...my heart is broken.
I miss my Pap soo much....it gets unbearable at times. i don't say anything to my mom or grandma because i don't want to upset them when they are ok for the moment....my Pap is my hero, and the reason i'm going to be strong through whatever hurts me, and be strong when my friends need me to be strong for them. I wish you were here Pap, i wish you could see me graduate. I love you.
You tell me i'm perfect and i'm beautiful every day, and the sad thing is i seem to believe it less and less every time...i don't want it to be like that. i want to believe it, because you are perfect.
i've done some things lately that i had decided a long time ago i didn't want to do....and then of course paid for it and regreted having done it. why did i do it? i look for acceptance and put others happiness before my own. Every little thing to make you love me more, right?
i hate that i feel bad for feeling bad about things.
sorry for the depressing entry, i just wanna know things are ok, and i haven't messed up that bad...i'm doing alright, right?
i feel bad because my sister is going through much worse things...i'm so sorry girlie, i'm here for you every step, through ALL of it and i understand. you know everything i'm talking about, you know I love you and things will be ok, you're very strong and i'm proud of you...but it's ok to be upset <3
*xOxOxO*