stressed.
two steps forward, two steps back.
i was doing really well .. until his sister messaged me. she wanted to know what happened between her brother and i and why she and i couldn't be friends. i told her, sparing her the ugly details. she apologized and said that she was so glad the baby has me.
it instantly made me feel like a failure.
my parents are 99% financially supporting her. i can't find a job, hence why i left ca in the first place, but what little money i make on the side doing hair goes to her. if i need something for her, chances are i can't go get it myself. i have to ask them. it's hard not to give up. not like i could even if i wanted to because i'd just be stuck here, but how pathetic am i? i have to rely on my parents for everything.
my brain hurts. my eyes hurt. my heart hurts.
i pray, every night, for strength. to be able to move on with my life. to fill out job applications and send out resumes. it's so incredibly hard when i'm at a stand still. how can i dream of moving on, when there's nothing to move on to? and the options i DO have don't guarantee anything either.
i cried too long tonight because i'm sick of it all. not the baby, god no, just everything else. even myself. rehashing the relationship brought everything front and center again. i can't get my heart to snap the fuck out of it. my mind SCREAMS it all the time .. he didn't love you, he never loved you. LET IT GO. it's so easy to fall in love and damn near impossible to get out of it. a whole lot of me hates him plenty for everything he's done to me, put me through, but there's still part of me (i'm guessing the part that won't give it up) that wants to know why? how? why would he string me along for all that time, making me miserable and HIMSELF miserable?! how could he cheat on me, in the bed we shared, and make "love" to me in it still? why would anyone cheat on their pregnant girlfriend?! how could he look me in the eye and lie to me and say he didn't cheat on me and that he loved me?
.. why didn't i listen to and believe myself that he was full of it?
the first guy i ever, really, truly loved. the first guy i ever invested myself fully into. i loved him so much. i. TRUSTED. him. i did anything, and everything, i could to make him happy. to make our relationship work. i'm no stranger to heartache, but i think about that on top of him not being there for the baby and my insides literally ache. i wasn't good enough for him, she's not good enough for him .. but i AM, she IS .. we ARE. so why?!
i hate myself for still feeling for him, i don't want to question it anymore. i don't want to care. i just want it to stop. i need it to stop. i want to move on. i NEED to move on.
why did/do i have to suffer, while he goes on carefree with his life?
i'll keep praying, but i need some sort of breakthrough. i need it yesterday.
i was doing really well .. until his sister messaged me. she wanted to know what happened between her brother and i and why she and i couldn't be friends. i told her, sparing her the ugly details. she apologized and said that she was so glad the baby has me.
it instantly made me feel like a failure.
my parents are 99% financially supporting her. i can't find a job, hence why i left ca in the first place, but what little money i make on the side doing hair goes to her. if i need something for her, chances are i can't go get it myself. i have to ask them. it's hard not to give up. not like i could even if i wanted to because i'd just be stuck here, but how pathetic am i? i have to rely on my parents for everything.
my brain hurts. my eyes hurt. my heart hurts.
i pray, every night, for strength. to be able to move on with my life. to fill out job applications and send out resumes. it's so incredibly hard when i'm at a stand still. how can i dream of moving on, when there's nothing to move on to? and the options i DO have don't guarantee anything either.
i cried too long tonight because i'm sick of it all. not the baby, god no, just everything else. even myself. rehashing the relationship brought everything front and center again. i can't get my heart to snap the fuck out of it. my mind SCREAMS it all the time .. he didn't love you, he never loved you. LET IT GO. it's so easy to fall in love and damn near impossible to get out of it. a whole lot of me hates him plenty for everything he's done to me, put me through, but there's still part of me (i'm guessing the part that won't give it up) that wants to know why? how? why would he string me along for all that time, making me miserable and HIMSELF miserable?! how could he cheat on me, in the bed we shared, and make "love" to me in it still? why would anyone cheat on their pregnant girlfriend?! how could he look me in the eye and lie to me and say he didn't cheat on me and that he loved me?
.. why didn't i listen to and believe myself that he was full of it?
the first guy i ever, really, truly loved. the first guy i ever invested myself fully into. i loved him so much. i. TRUSTED. him. i did anything, and everything, i could to make him happy. to make our relationship work. i'm no stranger to heartache, but i think about that on top of him not being there for the baby and my insides literally ache. i wasn't good enough for him, she's not good enough for him .. but i AM, she IS .. we ARE. so why?!
i hate myself for still feeling for him, i don't want to question it anymore. i don't want to care. i just want it to stop. i need it to stop. i want to move on. i NEED to move on.
why did/do i have to suffer, while he goes on carefree with his life?
i'll keep praying, but i need some sort of breakthrough. i need it yesterday.