Personal update 2015.08.15 Very bad day
I don't really know how to start off this post other than to say simply that I've had a very, very bad day.
I feel like I've been crying all day, and I don't even know when it all started. In all honesty, it probably started a few days ago with something little and today probably just seemed like a great day to just unleash everything I've been feeling lately.
I feel lonely.
I feel lonely because all of my friends have moved away to college and are in their third year of getting their four year degree and I'm barely starting my two year degree after three years at a community college. I have no friends here anymore. I go to work, I smile and I laugh and I'm friendly with everyone at work, but I am the only girl there who isn't married, who doesn't have a boyfriend, or who doesn't have children. Everyone where I work is either a mother or a grandmother, and when I try to join a conversation I find that all the conversations are about 'my child did this' or 'my child has been doing this lately' and I'm just left behind without anyone to relate to. The only other person there who is close to my age doesn't have kids, but she has a boyfriend, and I feel like she doesn't like me for I don't know what reason. I wish I knew what it was so that I could fix whatever is wrong but she won't open up to me and so it just makes me feel so alone....
And maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel like I was stuck. My best friend is going to finish her degree at our top choice college, and I can't even join her because I don't have my associates degree. I feel like I've wasted two years being so indecisive and constantly changing my mind that now when I want to FINALLY move on, I can't. I mean, I could transfer, but since I don't have my associates I'm going to have a harder time transfering all of my credits over. She still wants me to transfer in the spring, and I really want to go but at the same time I don't have my degree. I don't know what to do!!!!!!
I just feel so alone. I'm lonely. And these tears won't stop coming out of my eyes!
And I was actually feeling fine today until this afternoon! On Tumblr, a whole bunch of fans were getting together to live-stream the Digitalian concert, and I really wanted to take part and watch it with fans and make some new friends. However, when we finally got the live stream going and the concert began, it suddenly dawned on me that all these girls already knew each other. They were laughing, having inside jokes, and I suddenly felt like I was back in high school. I would say something, but no one would see me. I would try to join in, but I would be drowned out by everyone else.
I felt jealous. Then I felt sad and ashamed of myself. Then I felt nauseous and guilty. And maybe if I had made more of an effort, I may have had more fun, but I really didn't want to force myself in and become a nuisance. I felt so left out that I had to leave. And I'm not trying to make it seem like it was their fault! It wasn't their fault at all! They were having fun, and I'm happy for them! It's my fault that I'm like this. It's my fault for trying to impose. I'm just ashamed that I was jealous of these girls and their friendships, but sometimes I just wish I had more friends like that. I used to, but now I have no one...
I haven't stopped crying since.
But I'm still trying to write! I'm still trying to get something started before I start school next week. I just felt like I needed to put something like this in writing so maybe it would help me to calm down. It has a little bit. I also felt like maybe I should give an explanation as to why I haven't posted anything yet. But I think I have the final count as to what stories to write next! Thank you for everyone who voted and please be patient with me as I try to get back to work as well as figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
I will be better.
I hope.
<3 smile-arigatou
I feel like I've been crying all day, and I don't even know when it all started. In all honesty, it probably started a few days ago with something little and today probably just seemed like a great day to just unleash everything I've been feeling lately.
I feel lonely.
I feel lonely because all of my friends have moved away to college and are in their third year of getting their four year degree and I'm barely starting my two year degree after three years at a community college. I have no friends here anymore. I go to work, I smile and I laugh and I'm friendly with everyone at work, but I am the only girl there who isn't married, who doesn't have a boyfriend, or who doesn't have children. Everyone where I work is either a mother or a grandmother, and when I try to join a conversation I find that all the conversations are about 'my child did this' or 'my child has been doing this lately' and I'm just left behind without anyone to relate to. The only other person there who is close to my age doesn't have kids, but she has a boyfriend, and I feel like she doesn't like me for I don't know what reason. I wish I knew what it was so that I could fix whatever is wrong but she won't open up to me and so it just makes me feel so alone....
And maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel like I was stuck. My best friend is going to finish her degree at our top choice college, and I can't even join her because I don't have my associates degree. I feel like I've wasted two years being so indecisive and constantly changing my mind that now when I want to FINALLY move on, I can't. I mean, I could transfer, but since I don't have my associates I'm going to have a harder time transfering all of my credits over. She still wants me to transfer in the spring, and I really want to go but at the same time I don't have my degree. I don't know what to do!!!!!!
I just feel so alone. I'm lonely. And these tears won't stop coming out of my eyes!
And I was actually feeling fine today until this afternoon! On Tumblr, a whole bunch of fans were getting together to live-stream the Digitalian concert, and I really wanted to take part and watch it with fans and make some new friends. However, when we finally got the live stream going and the concert began, it suddenly dawned on me that all these girls already knew each other. They were laughing, having inside jokes, and I suddenly felt like I was back in high school. I would say something, but no one would see me. I would try to join in, but I would be drowned out by everyone else.
I felt jealous. Then I felt sad and ashamed of myself. Then I felt nauseous and guilty. And maybe if I had made more of an effort, I may have had more fun, but I really didn't want to force myself in and become a nuisance. I felt so left out that I had to leave. And I'm not trying to make it seem like it was their fault! It wasn't their fault at all! They were having fun, and I'm happy for them! It's my fault that I'm like this. It's my fault for trying to impose. I'm just ashamed that I was jealous of these girls and their friendships, but sometimes I just wish I had more friends like that. I used to, but now I have no one...
I haven't stopped crying since.
But I'm still trying to write! I'm still trying to get something started before I start school next week. I just felt like I needed to put something like this in writing so maybe it would help me to calm down. It has a little bit. I also felt like maybe I should give an explanation as to why I haven't posted anything yet. But I think I have the final count as to what stories to write next! Thank you for everyone who voted and please be patient with me as I try to get back to work as well as figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
I will be better.
I hope.
<3 smile-arigatou