Personal Post 2015.06.19
Three days ago, I finally posted my lasted chapter for Poston in honor of our favorite Ninomiya's birthday.
And three days ago, I had another episode of self-loathing and serious doubt over whether or not my writing was really worth my time or not.
Don't get me wrong. I love writing! When I'm not overwhelmed with school and work, when I have a day off the first thought is usually, "Okay, day off! Time to turn on my laptop and get some serious writing going on!" However, writing takes a lot out of me. By the time I get home from work, the last thing I have time or energy for is my stories. Some days, I force myself to write because god dammit it's been a month since my last update! Because of that, I feel like I force myself to put out a story that seems half-assed when I actually go back and edit. It's frustrating! And with my last update I finally came to a sudden and scary thought:
What if my writing is no good? What if my story is boring? Or too realistic? Is that why people aren't commenting anymore? Is all of this effort really for nothing? All of these fanfiction writers that I look up to get at least ten comments an update, and when I was writing Snow on the Peak and Breathless I was getting almost the same amount. Have I washed out or become too bland for anyone to really stay with me anymore?
I was afraid that because I was being too accurate with details and circumstances that it was turning people away. People are afraid that I'm going to kill off more people in Poston because of Mai and Yusuke, and while I understand everyone's reservations about it, as a writer it's discouraging when people stop reading your work because of the direction you've gone. I was also afraid that because all of my stories have been sad with at least one death, it was also turning people away. Poston is a really sad story, but I'm always trying to make it happy again. But maybe it's already too late. Maybe I've screwed up so bad that I can't convince people to come back.
When I voiced my opinions to Twishie-chan that night, she was brutally honest with me. She said my attention to keeping it realistic is unique even as I try to keep a happy ending. She also said that my stories are not as great as others like Jade-Lil and Arashiforyou (two authors I look up to immensely), but it's alright because my writing style and stories are actually really unique. That's not a bad thing!
"And while some people don't see that, there are some who do. There's still people commenting, right? There's still people who cheer for you. Even if it's just one or two, they're still there aren't they?"
When she put it like that, it was like a wake up call. For so long, I had been comparing myself to everybody else by how many comments people got. These authors that I read every day that get tons of love every day had started driving me crazy and I hadn't even realized it! And before I knew it, I became jealous. Writing became more of a chore instead of something I genuinely loved to do. And I hadn't even realized it.
Over the past week, I have had to deal with some really emotional things that I hadn't dealt with in a long time. And I finally got some help for it. I had slowly began to lose a part of me without seeing it. These past few years have really thrown me for a loop and I'm sick and tired of feeling lost all the time. I want to get back to the person that I used to like. I want to save the little girl part of me that still dreams of the land of pink trees and ladies in beautiful kimonos. I want to become the woman that I like to wake up to everyday and not be ashamed of who she turned out to be.
More importantly, I need to stop comparing myself to everybody else.
So what if my writing isn't as strong or as good as Jade-Lil? So what if people find it boring? So what if I only get three comments a chapter? So what? That's okay! My writing is my own, and no one can take that away from me! My stories are my own and the images that run into my head that get translated onto paper are mine and mine alone until I decide to share them. Also, my attention to detail is more to feed my obsession with history and to transport you all into my mind, not to bore you all to death. For that, I will apologize for. Sorry!
But there's nothing wrong with me. It's just me stressing myself out for no reason again xD
And to those people who comment on every single chapter, I cannot thank you enough for always being there for me! You are what make me want to keep writing. I have a duty to you and to myself to keep this story going until the very end. It make take me a while yet, but I won't let you down!
.......
speaking of which.....
HAS NO ONE PICKED UP ON MY PLOT TWIST YET?! ASK TWISHIE-CHAN. IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
See you all next update!!!
And three days ago, I had another episode of self-loathing and serious doubt over whether or not my writing was really worth my time or not.
Don't get me wrong. I love writing! When I'm not overwhelmed with school and work, when I have a day off the first thought is usually, "Okay, day off! Time to turn on my laptop and get some serious writing going on!" However, writing takes a lot out of me. By the time I get home from work, the last thing I have time or energy for is my stories. Some days, I force myself to write because god dammit it's been a month since my last update! Because of that, I feel like I force myself to put out a story that seems half-assed when I actually go back and edit. It's frustrating! And with my last update I finally came to a sudden and scary thought:
What if my writing is no good? What if my story is boring? Or too realistic? Is that why people aren't commenting anymore? Is all of this effort really for nothing? All of these fanfiction writers that I look up to get at least ten comments an update, and when I was writing Snow on the Peak and Breathless I was getting almost the same amount. Have I washed out or become too bland for anyone to really stay with me anymore?
I was afraid that because I was being too accurate with details and circumstances that it was turning people away. People are afraid that I'm going to kill off more people in Poston because of Mai and Yusuke, and while I understand everyone's reservations about it, as a writer it's discouraging when people stop reading your work because of the direction you've gone. I was also afraid that because all of my stories have been sad with at least one death, it was also turning people away. Poston is a really sad story, but I'm always trying to make it happy again. But maybe it's already too late. Maybe I've screwed up so bad that I can't convince people to come back.
When I voiced my opinions to Twishie-chan that night, she was brutally honest with me. She said my attention to keeping it realistic is unique even as I try to keep a happy ending. She also said that my stories are not as great as others like Jade-Lil and Arashiforyou (two authors I look up to immensely), but it's alright because my writing style and stories are actually really unique. That's not a bad thing!
"And while some people don't see that, there are some who do. There's still people commenting, right? There's still people who cheer for you. Even if it's just one or two, they're still there aren't they?"
When she put it like that, it was like a wake up call. For so long, I had been comparing myself to everybody else by how many comments people got. These authors that I read every day that get tons of love every day had started driving me crazy and I hadn't even realized it! And before I knew it, I became jealous. Writing became more of a chore instead of something I genuinely loved to do. And I hadn't even realized it.
Over the past week, I have had to deal with some really emotional things that I hadn't dealt with in a long time. And I finally got some help for it. I had slowly began to lose a part of me without seeing it. These past few years have really thrown me for a loop and I'm sick and tired of feeling lost all the time. I want to get back to the person that I used to like. I want to save the little girl part of me that still dreams of the land of pink trees and ladies in beautiful kimonos. I want to become the woman that I like to wake up to everyday and not be ashamed of who she turned out to be.
More importantly, I need to stop comparing myself to everybody else.
So what if my writing isn't as strong or as good as Jade-Lil? So what if people find it boring? So what if I only get three comments a chapter? So what? That's okay! My writing is my own, and no one can take that away from me! My stories are my own and the images that run into my head that get translated onto paper are mine and mine alone until I decide to share them. Also, my attention to detail is more to feed my obsession with history and to transport you all into my mind, not to bore you all to death. For that, I will apologize for. Sorry!
But there's nothing wrong with me. It's just me stressing myself out for no reason again xD
And to those people who comment on every single chapter, I cannot thank you enough for always being there for me! You are what make me want to keep writing. I have a duty to you and to myself to keep this story going until the very end. It make take me a while yet, but I won't let you down!
.......
speaking of which.....
HAS NO ONE PICKED UP ON MY PLOT TWIST YET?! ASK TWISHIE-CHAN. IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
See you all next update!!!