OH LORD! REAL FIC!
Ok, well, it's a crack!fic, at least.
Title: Non-Regulation Use of a Batmobile
W/C: 1580, not-betaed
Rating: PG
Pairings/Characters: Dick, Jason
Summary: Prompt - Dick, Jason, Non-regulation use of a Batmobile. Shiny_glory_chan wanted porn. I said no. You get crack instead.
-
“No, you’re doing it wrong!” Jason yelled, slapping at Dick’s hands fruitlessly.
“Stop it! I am too! You’re just too stupid to know it!” He yelled back, flinching away from the random blows as he tried to keep control of the car.
They swerved around a light pole and Jay threw himself back against the leather of the seat, fingers scrambling at the door for the ‘Oh SHIT!’ handle. He suddenly realized why they were called that with disturbing clarity. “THE CLUTCH! THE CLUTCH! USE THE CLUTCH!”
Dick slammed on the gas and screamed as the car barreled out of the quiet Gotham neighborhood towards the busy highway. “WHAT THE HELL IS A CLUTCH?!”
“IT’S THE STICK!” Jason stared at his brother in horror, bright blue eyes imprinting the flashing lights of oncoming traffic in his young mind as he counted down the last seconds of his life, “THE STICK! THE STICK! GRAB THE STICK!”
“WHICH STICK!” Dick panicked, hands slipping across the assortment of odd bits and pieces.
Jason absently noted this was not what normal cars looked like on the inside no matter how tricked out they were and the next time the coolest car ever magically opened its slide top and seductively invited them in, he’d remember this, but it wouldn’t matter anyway because they were going to die and he’d never been to church, which meant he was so going to hell for looking up Nina’s skirt last week and oh God which stick? He gave up on logic and flung himself on the nearest piece of opposable hardwear, pulling back with all his strength and praying for the first time in his far, far, too short life that it would do something really not-fatal.
The engine roared, the car bucked, and smoke filled the cab as they spun dangerously down the freeway, before coming to a complete and intact stop.
Jason cracked an eye open when he realized he’d squeezed them shut - sensibly, because who really wants to watch themselves being engulfed in a giant fireball of death? - and glanced around nervously. Dick was hacking on the smoky air, but Jason counted ten fingers glued to the steering wheel and his brains weren't dribbling out his ears. It could be reasonably taken as ‘ok’.
Jason cleared his throat and mustered as nonchalant a tone as he could manage. “Found the emergency brake.”
-
“I can’t believe you don’t know what a clutch is,” Jason spat in disgust, shifting the car into second gear. “Aren’t you like, fourteen? You should be driving already!”
“I can drive!” Dick defended indignantly, “And I probably do know what a clutch is, just not when everything looks like the ugly cousin off of ‘Alien’!” He huffed, “Besides, it’s not like you found it on your first try, either.”
“So!” Jason replied, swerving through traffic with ease. “At least I didn’t kill us!”
“I didn’t kill us!” Dick yelled, throwing his hands in the air. “It was a little mistake! There was no death, or pain, or even real danger!”
Jason snorted.
“Besides, isn’t it illegal for you to be driving?” Dick pointed out, “You can barely see over the steering wheel.”
“Dick,” Jason said flatly, “We stole a car.”
“No, we didn’t! The car told us to drive it!” Dick insisted, pointing at the computerized dash, “Tell him, car! You tell him we’re supposed to be here.” The red light in the vague vicinity of the possible radio blinked positively and Dick grinned. “See? Not a problem!”
“Yeah, right,” Jason mumbled sarcastically. “No problem at all.”
“Exactly!” Dick insisted happily. “Now, how about some grub?”
-
“Uh, Dick?” Jason asked, feeling around his pockets, “Do you have any money?”
“Lemme - Uh, no.”
Jason growled and thumped the steering wheel, “Come on! You didn’t even check!”
“I don’t have pockets!” Dick yelled back, “How can I have anything if I don’t have pockets!”
“No pockets?” Jason asked, peering at him in the dark, “Seriously? What sort of fagtastic clothes are you wearing?”
“Watch your language,” He grumbled automatically, settling back in his seat.
Jason snorted and reached over, picking at Dick clothes with a smirk. “What is this? Spandex? Seriously?” He threw it in park and crawled over the divider, plucking and pulling at Dick’s skin tight clothing. “Haha, check out girly man in all his girly clothes! What the hell, man?”
“Gerroff me!” Dick growled, shoving the smaller boy as he monkied over his lap. “I’m telling you, cut it out right now, or I’ll - OH GOD!” Dick pulled back with wide eyes.
“Or what?” Jason smirked, “Found out I was packing more than you, eh?” he tapped his crotched, “I coulda - “
“GUN!” Dick pointed at Jason’s jacket. “GUN, GUN! WHY DO YOU HAVE A GUN?”
“I don’t have a gun!” Jason snapped, rolling his eyes and flipping open his leather jacket. “See, no - HOLY SHIT!” He shrieked, flattening himself against the windshield, “THAT’S A GUN!”
“I TOLD YOU IT WAS A GUN!”
“WHY DO I HAVE A GUN?”
“I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU HAVE A GUN!”
“WHY DON’T YOU, BOY HOOKER?!” Jason demanded, pointing at Dick’s clothing. “YOU’VE OBVIOUSLY BEEN SELLIN’ YOUR ASS! WHAT ELSE HAVEN’T YOU BEEN TELLIN’ ME?”
“I’M NOT A HOOKER!” Dick yelled back, shoving his brother back in the driver’s seat.
Jason grabbed his hair and shook his head fiercely slumping back against the door. He whined and kicked Dick angrily in the side. “Then where did you get the clothes!”
Dick hissed and punched him in arm, “I dunno, Peter Pan! Where’s you get the gun!”
“Wherever you got the clothes!”
“I don’t know where I got the clothes!”
“I don’t know where I got the gun!”
The boys stared at each other for a long moment.
“Oh God,” Dick stuttered, “We’ve been drugged!”
“What’s our last name?” Jason asked frantically, “Who are our parents? Where do we live?”
“I don’t know!” Dick shook his head, “How am I supposed to know? Why can’t you know?”
“Because you’re older!” Jason yelled.
“We don’t know that! You could just be like, small!” Dick began talking with his hands and bouncing in his seat.
Jason shook his head, “Nuhuh! You’re older! Your voice is cracking!”
“My voice is not cracking!” Dick objected, but his words betrayed him by jumping an octave. He paused, “Well, what does it matter! You could still be older!”
“My balls haven’t dropped!”
Dick stared at him for an awkward moment. Then, he cleared his throat, “Jay?”
“Yes?” He answered sheepishly.
“I didn’t need to know that.”
“Yeah, I kinda got that.”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, hey!” Jason perked up suddenly, “I just realized something.”
Dick eyed him warily, “What?”
“How do we know we’re related?”
“Uh,” Dick blinked, “I dunno.”
“So, we could be like, complete strangers!” Jason concluded.
Dick shook his head, “Who knew each other’s names? I doubt it.”
“Maybe we were recruited to boy-hooker camp together or something.”
“I’m not a hooker!”
“You don’t know that! You can’t remember anything!”
“Niether can you!”
An angry driver blared their horn behind them in the drive-thru and the boys wiggled back into their seats. Jason popped the clutch and rolled forward to the drowsy attendant.
“That’ll be $14.50,” she said and held out her hand.
Jason blinked, “Uuuuh, I uh… don’t exactly have…” He fished through his pockets, pulling out odd bits of metal and very large knives. Just as he shifted the gun in its holster the girl screamed. Jay pulled it out, looking around him frantically, “What! What is it!”
“DON’T SHOOT!” She yelled, fumbling at the cash register. “I’ll give you anything you want, just don’t shoot me!”
“I don’t want to shoot you!” Jason yelled, pointing the gun at her. “Why would I want to shoot you!”
“Stop yelling!” Dick hollered from the passenger seat, “You’re scaring her! And give me that!” Dick lunged at him, grappling for the gun.
“Stop it! Leggo! I’ve got it!” Jason fought and his foot slipped off the break, jerking them forward to the next window. “STOP IT!”
“I SAID GIVE IT TO ME!” Dick roared, smacking Jason upside the head.
“YOU GIVE IT TO ME!”Jason bit Dick’s wrist, brandishing the gun in triumph. “GOT IT!”
He leaned out the window and grabbed their food from the shocked window server and chucked it at the passenger seat. Then, he slammed on the gas and roared away from McDonalds.
-
They finally pulled to a stop under an overpass and munched hungrily on their French fries.
“Oh shit,” Dick muttered for the tenth time, “We just held up a McDonalds!”
“Does it count if we didn’t take anything?” Jason asked hopefully, “I mean, they don’t have any proof it was a real gun.”
“We stole our food!”Dick said, waving around the empty sack. “That has to be like, five years in Juvie, at least!”
“Yeah, right.” Jason rolled his eyes, “Six months, tops.”
“How do you know? You’re just a baby!”
Jason glared, “Yeah, you’re right. They’ll probably charge you as an adult.”
Dick’s eyes went wide and panicky, “What?!”
Then, the top of the car whooshed open unexpectedly and the boys leapt to their feet.
“IT’S THE PIGS!” Jason screamed, hopping the door, “THEY’VE FOUND US!”
“I’M TOO YOUNG TO GO TO PRISON!” Dick dove for the nearest set of trashcans.
-
Tim blinked, watching the boys scatter ineffectively. “B,” He commed, grinning. “Found the car. You have got to see this.”
-
Pure crack as a warm-up to get back in the game. There's probably typos galore, but just tell me and I'll fix it.