Emofest 2005......
If you don't want to deal with my crap right now, then you should click out of this immediately. I feel like everyone has been leaving me out lately. Hmm when was the last time I went out besides the football game (which doesn't count 'cause everyone just sort of goes)? Yeah I can't even remember. I feel like there's so much that everyone hasn't been telling me. It seems like when I go online, everyone is out with each other. I know there are people who feel the same way I do too.
I feel like I'm the center of jokes. I always have been though with everyone. I have two sides to jokes about me. I laugh with them or I flat out get pissed. People just keep going with jokes either way 'cause in one sense I don't care so there's no line to cross so they keep going, and the other sense they just keep going 'cause who knows why. Maybe it's funny when I'm mad. Maybe it makes them feel better and stronger.
I hate how there are groups. I hate how all the groups hate how there are other groups. I hate how no one does anything about it. No one talks to each other anymore. They just sit there and let themselves drift apart. It's the same everywhere for everyone.
I hate the feeling of being left out. I hate how no one listens to me. Ever. Everyone likes alone time once in a while. No one likes it when they don't have a choice.
I don't know what I want anymore. I used to have a CD for every emotion. Now they're all blank. Or am I blank? I just don't know. Maybe I need new CD's. Or new emotions I always used to know just what I wanted, just what I could get, everything. Now I don't. I hate not knowing. Not knowing is the worst to me. I always know. Now I don't. I don't know. And it makes me angry, sad, empty, everything. I can't figure anything out. I can't read anyone anymore. I don't know if they're genuine or just being nice just because.
Crying usually feels good but it's not doing that. I'll cry and then I'll think of something else to be sad about.
I knew going to high school would make everything different. It's not working in my favor though. It seems to be working for everyone else. I'm happy for them too. I genuinely am happy for everyone right now. I've always had those terrible qualities. Trust, tolerance, sympathy, you know, all those qualities where you're nice to everyone and give everyone the benefit of the doubt and are happy and proud of everything they do but then they just kick you to the curb.
I've always been very happy with myself. Always. I know my flaws and I embrace them. I know my strengths and I use them. But no one likes being sad. No one likes being alone. As good as it feels after being sad or alone or whatever, it awful at the time. And there's nothing that will ever change that. You can't say well I'm just not gonna be sad anymore because you can't always control that. You can only control yourself. You can be 100% happy with yourself. You can be perfect in your own eyes. But there's always someone out there who's gonna make you feel like total crap. And it's not always the same person or the same situation but there will always be someone to bring you down. And you have to be strong. Or at least try. And God knows I try to be strong about everything but I just can't seem to handle my emotions right now. I don't know how to use any of them anymore. They're just going haywire. And I can't vocalize them 'cause not even I can explain it. Maybe it's the PMS or maybe the lack of sleep or maybe...I can make up excuses but it's not gonna stop the fact that I feel neglected.
I'm sure that you (if you even made it this far) are getting mad or thinking "Oh she just wants sympathy and attention" and maybe that's the case. I wouldn't know. I really wouldn't know. Maybe a good night's sleep will help.
Night all.
I feel like I'm the center of jokes. I always have been though with everyone. I have two sides to jokes about me. I laugh with them or I flat out get pissed. People just keep going with jokes either way 'cause in one sense I don't care so there's no line to cross so they keep going, and the other sense they just keep going 'cause who knows why. Maybe it's funny when I'm mad. Maybe it makes them feel better and stronger.
I hate how there are groups. I hate how all the groups hate how there are other groups. I hate how no one does anything about it. No one talks to each other anymore. They just sit there and let themselves drift apart. It's the same everywhere for everyone.
I hate the feeling of being left out. I hate how no one listens to me. Ever. Everyone likes alone time once in a while. No one likes it when they don't have a choice.
I don't know what I want anymore. I used to have a CD for every emotion. Now they're all blank. Or am I blank? I just don't know. Maybe I need new CD's. Or new emotions I always used to know just what I wanted, just what I could get, everything. Now I don't. I hate not knowing. Not knowing is the worst to me. I always know. Now I don't. I don't know. And it makes me angry, sad, empty, everything. I can't figure anything out. I can't read anyone anymore. I don't know if they're genuine or just being nice just because.
Crying usually feels good but it's not doing that. I'll cry and then I'll think of something else to be sad about.
I knew going to high school would make everything different. It's not working in my favor though. It seems to be working for everyone else. I'm happy for them too. I genuinely am happy for everyone right now. I've always had those terrible qualities. Trust, tolerance, sympathy, you know, all those qualities where you're nice to everyone and give everyone the benefit of the doubt and are happy and proud of everything they do but then they just kick you to the curb.
I've always been very happy with myself. Always. I know my flaws and I embrace them. I know my strengths and I use them. But no one likes being sad. No one likes being alone. As good as it feels after being sad or alone or whatever, it awful at the time. And there's nothing that will ever change that. You can't say well I'm just not gonna be sad anymore because you can't always control that. You can only control yourself. You can be 100% happy with yourself. You can be perfect in your own eyes. But there's always someone out there who's gonna make you feel like total crap. And it's not always the same person or the same situation but there will always be someone to bring you down. And you have to be strong. Or at least try. And God knows I try to be strong about everything but I just can't seem to handle my emotions right now. I don't know how to use any of them anymore. They're just going haywire. And I can't vocalize them 'cause not even I can explain it. Maybe it's the PMS or maybe the lack of sleep or maybe...I can make up excuses but it's not gonna stop the fact that I feel neglected.
I'm sure that you (if you even made it this far) are getting mad or thinking "Oh she just wants sympathy and attention" and maybe that's the case. I wouldn't know. I really wouldn't know. Maybe a good night's sleep will help.
Night all.