Has It Really Come To This?
Miles is spending the night at a friend's house tonight so that "we" have time to think and decide if we are going to go ahead with a trial separation tomorrow. I suggested it, but I'm arguably not the one who wants it. I am confused, heartbroken, defeated, angry, scared, exhausted, and on top of all that I still somehow feel empty inside. I just can't believe this is really going on, but I feel so disconnected like I'm watching it happen to someone else's life. So much assault to my reality in such a short period of time after the baby and everything. I like to think that I'm a pretty strong, resilient person, but even I have my fucking limits.
I'm so angry at myself for lowering my standards and expectations. The more I dig, the more I find sacrifices I didn't even realize that I'd made. Fuck you. I do everything for you. I give everything to you. I ask very fucking little in return. Eventually you are going to have to grow up and be a man with or without me. The fact that you even have to think about it for five seconds makes me want to tell you to go fuck yourself on general principle. And yet I still love you, madly. More I'm afraid, though, than you will ever love me.
I know whatever happens is for a reason, and that I'll be okay, but that's really all I know right now.
I'm so angry at myself for lowering my standards and expectations. The more I dig, the more I find sacrifices I didn't even realize that I'd made. Fuck you. I do everything for you. I give everything to you. I ask very fucking little in return. Eventually you are going to have to grow up and be a man with or without me. The fact that you even have to think about it for five seconds makes me want to tell you to go fuck yourself on general principle. And yet I still love you, madly. More I'm afraid, though, than you will ever love me.
I know whatever happens is for a reason, and that I'll be okay, but that's really all I know right now.