Snark
I’ve been thinking a lot about how grumpy and snarky I am. I feel that a side of me that was hidden away and only came out for moments of sarcastic comedy is now on the surface and having more of an influence than I like.
And I don’t like it.
Being sarcastic and snarky all the time isn’t doing me(or you) any favours. In fact I think it’s pushing people away and I’ve been too blind to see it. I am not an island, I am not a solitary beast, I like people I do, and whilst good-natured joshing and banter are part of who I am, I worry I’ve been downright nasty recently.
If I have been nasty and not realised the extent of how I’ve hurt you, I apologise profusely and I’d like to take the opportunity to make it up. Equally I’d like people to point out to me if I’m being unnecessarily sharp with them without realising it. I mean it, this is a steep learning curve for me, and I’m only going to get it if people point it out. If you have done something to offend or upset me and I’ve let you know that, that’s a different situation. If I’m sharp, sarcastic or snarky, pull me on it and if you feel inclined, ask me what’s going on. Chances are I don’t actually know I’m doing it, or I’m chewing over something and I’m letting any spikiness leak out without realising it. Call it a recalibration exercise if you will, and I am appreciative of any comments I get. I can offer mugs of tea and perhaps cake at the moment, however you will have my gratitude at the help.
You see, I’m starting to look at how I react to things and in the cold light of day I see how bristly I have become. I’ve become someone who harbours anger at the world and the way it is. Someone who broods excessively on things that happened to me in the past and cannot be changed. I can change how I think of them and react, however I do need help to stop the emotional leakage and pushing friends away.
I hope this makes some semblance of sense. I may be talking out of my ass here, however I am concerned that I am pushing people away and not being the supportive, welcoming, and nurturing person I can be.
I may be making it up, there’s a storm in a teacup and no one’s noticed anything different. I know I want to cut out direct and indirect spikiness at people, so I’m making this a public request.
Changing yourself is hard, perhaps one of the hardest things you will ever be asked to do in life. If you learned to act in certain ways at a young age, to unpick, alter, and change those ways later in life. What’s more embarrassing is spotting these behaviours later in life and wincing at how I’ve acted over the years. I can’t change that, and apologising for all of it will help but not fix things. I can explain what taught me those behaviours, and what lead to those actions, I’m just not sure how to do it without either sounding like a victim or blaming somebody else. *sigh*
Taking personal responsibility during times of personal change is hard too. Realising that you’re responsible for how you acted and living with the consequences is especially tough. Some things can be patched up with words and tea, some things can not. All I can do is apologise and hope that I’ve not caused irreparable harm to someone’s life.
For all of this, I’ve also been accused of being too nice. That I don’t say what’s on my mind, or act in a way to protect myself. This is also true, and a big part of the reason why I have resorted to sarcasm and snark. I find it hard to know how to express myself in a way that’s listened to and respected by others. For all that I can say I find things hurtful and upsetting, having people ignore those words because they aren’t expressed with wailing and gnashing of teeth frustrates me. It’s a fine line knowing how to express the emotions I am feeling in a way that’s appropriate and ensures my feelings are respected.
Oh and then there’s the cry of ‘drama’. I was very hurt by someone I thought more of writing online that they were thankful I didn’t cause any drama after being told some very serious and upsetting news. I felt (and still feel) robbed of being able to express any reaction at all to things now for fear of being described as causing ‘drama’. Drama seems to vary according to the observer, and what some may consider a mild reaction, others seem to consider high drama and thus potentially child-ish or whiny.
All I know is that encountering and expressing emotions and reactions to things is hard. I have no idea on how to do it appropriately sometimes, and these days I’m finding it better not to say or do anything at all for fear of getting it wrong and hurting someone. Of course. all that happens then is that I end up hurting myself…
I’m curious what others do in the same situation. I can’t be the only one muddling my way through this can I?
Mirrored from Never a dull moment. Please leave comments there thank you!