(no subject)
Sometimes I fucking hate myself because I can't function in normal situations. I have PTSD, and I don't talk about it to anyone I know really, but it is starting to cause so many fucking problems, especially with school.
This is going to sound horrible and racist as fuck, so I'll have to explain it from the beginning. For one thing, men intimidate me so much that it makes me feel pathetic. A man raising his voice at me can cause me to lose my shit. This is due to a lot of shit that happened when I was a kid that I can't go into, but for this particular instance this is what happened.
Last year I came home from a friend's house late (around 2 AM) and a man was standing naked in front of the door of my apartment masturbating. I sat in my car with the doors locked and he came up to my car and waved his dick around and looked at me motioning for me to get out of the car. I just called 911 and the cops got there within a few minutes and tackled the dude to the ground. I had to make a statement when he went to court and apparently they had a lot of reports of a peeping tom matching his description in the area and had been looking for him for months.
The guy was a tall Nigerian man.
So this semester I sign up for a computer science class in place of a science gen ed requirement for school. I don't have the time to devote to a Biology or Physics course and TBH I'm not stable enough to handle a lot of classes yet.
So they changed the professor 3 times and on the first day of class I walk in to find the new professor looks exactly like that man. I knew it was bigoted to drop the class simply based on that, or to even judge him for it, but I've been so emotionally weak lately, I considered it. I tried to just get over it, but there have been a couple times when I missed class because I was having really bad anxiety that day and just couldn't push myself to walk in that room. The guy is also very loud, and men raising their voice causes me to have terrible panic attacks.
So yesterday I had a big exam in one of my major courses and I was beyond stressed. I had been studying all day the previous day, and I knew we weren't going over anything important in his class, so I admit it, I skipped. I just didn't need to added stress of sitting in that room with that dude.
So I get a message from another student saying he wants to see me after class (not from the professor himself), and I respond like what is it about because I wasn't even there today. No response. So I message the professor, and he says he wants to see me in his office in the morning. I have no idea why, but I panicked. I didn't know what it was about, and this guy already intimidates the shit out of me.
So I called him to see what it was about, and all I hear is some garbled speech and then the dude YELLS AT ME. HE YELLS AT ME. Saying he is busy and I need to email him. WHAT THE FUCK?!
Immediately when we hang up the phone I have a full blown panic attack, I'm talking, hyperventilating, crying, shaking. My head is spinning and I can't calm myself down.
He calls me back an hour later, and I'm still a little sniffly, but I've managed to calm myself down a bit. He asks me why I'm crying, and I explain to him that I have PTSD. This is the first time I've ever told this to a professor, and for some reason when I tell people about it it makes me feel sick. I feel weak, helpless, I don't feel in control. I feel like I could just overcome it if I were stronger. I feel caged in. He apologized and I think he felt like complete shit. And now he's trying to help me with the course. So I probably won't drop the class, but damn. I need to go back to therapy.
This is going to sound horrible and racist as fuck, so I'll have to explain it from the beginning. For one thing, men intimidate me so much that it makes me feel pathetic. A man raising his voice at me can cause me to lose my shit. This is due to a lot of shit that happened when I was a kid that I can't go into, but for this particular instance this is what happened.
Last year I came home from a friend's house late (around 2 AM) and a man was standing naked in front of the door of my apartment masturbating. I sat in my car with the doors locked and he came up to my car and waved his dick around and looked at me motioning for me to get out of the car. I just called 911 and the cops got there within a few minutes and tackled the dude to the ground. I had to make a statement when he went to court and apparently they had a lot of reports of a peeping tom matching his description in the area and had been looking for him for months.
The guy was a tall Nigerian man.
So this semester I sign up for a computer science class in place of a science gen ed requirement for school. I don't have the time to devote to a Biology or Physics course and TBH I'm not stable enough to handle a lot of classes yet.
So they changed the professor 3 times and on the first day of class I walk in to find the new professor looks exactly like that man. I knew it was bigoted to drop the class simply based on that, or to even judge him for it, but I've been so emotionally weak lately, I considered it. I tried to just get over it, but there have been a couple times when I missed class because I was having really bad anxiety that day and just couldn't push myself to walk in that room. The guy is also very loud, and men raising their voice causes me to have terrible panic attacks.
So yesterday I had a big exam in one of my major courses and I was beyond stressed. I had been studying all day the previous day, and I knew we weren't going over anything important in his class, so I admit it, I skipped. I just didn't need to added stress of sitting in that room with that dude.
So I get a message from another student saying he wants to see me after class (not from the professor himself), and I respond like what is it about because I wasn't even there today. No response. So I message the professor, and he says he wants to see me in his office in the morning. I have no idea why, but I panicked. I didn't know what it was about, and this guy already intimidates the shit out of me.
So I called him to see what it was about, and all I hear is some garbled speech and then the dude YELLS AT ME. HE YELLS AT ME. Saying he is busy and I need to email him. WHAT THE FUCK?!
Immediately when we hang up the phone I have a full blown panic attack, I'm talking, hyperventilating, crying, shaking. My head is spinning and I can't calm myself down.
He calls me back an hour later, and I'm still a little sniffly, but I've managed to calm myself down a bit. He asks me why I'm crying, and I explain to him that I have PTSD. This is the first time I've ever told this to a professor, and for some reason when I tell people about it it makes me feel sick. I feel weak, helpless, I don't feel in control. I feel like I could just overcome it if I were stronger. I feel caged in. He apologized and I think he felt like complete shit. And now he's trying to help me with the course. So I probably won't drop the class, but damn. I need to go back to therapy.