saya crazy?
More and more this idea of community seems to make perfect sense.
I've been dreaming recently of living in the States in a cool city like Portland, Seattle, or San Diego - and having a communal house in the inner city - and being committed to living a simple life that blesses others and lets them know that they are loved by the God of the universe - the lover of my soul. Is that crazy? If it is I feel more and more in love with the idea and less and less concerned with the craziness of it.
(Also I've been reading the Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. -read it)
I've been living in community since 2002 when I moved into the dorms at college - and I'd like to think I've learned a lot since then.
For instance I'm a jerk. I'm self-centered. I'm judgemental. I lie - often. I'm prideful. Often, I act hateful and rude when in a stressful situation and/or deprived of sleep. Or even when neither of those conditions apply. I think my way is the best way - and that I am always right.
Here's the thing. I'm not saying all these things to get you to leave some comment saying, "ohh. no you're not. you're lovely." In fact - please don't. I don't need a self-esteem boost (at this moment) and I'm not looking for pity. I'm saying all these things because they true. I don't feel bad or sad about it at the moment - just calm, happy, and desiring change. I've learned these nasty truths about myself over the past 6 or so years of living in community. Of coming in contact with PEOPLE. And the thing is - I like it. I don't like that I am that way (and don't get me wrong - I'm not like that ALL the time) - but I'm glad I've learned that this is who I can be - not who I have to be.
I'm on this journey of learning to love people - I've been on it my whole life but in the last 7 or so years I've been working on it a lot more. And you know what I found out? It's stinkin' hard to be loving all the time! People are ridiculous! They are jerks, selfish, self-centered, judgmental, and mean! Sometimes they lie - sometimes they hurt me on purpose and sometimes they hurt me on accident. It's crazy! But you know what? God tells me I'm supposed to love them no matter what - and I want so badly to do that. I want so badly to love people like God loves them. But sometimes - they aren't very lovable. And as I was mentioning previously...neither am I.
And that's why I like community. Because when I live by myself I can convince myself that I'm a nice person- that I'm easy to get along with- kind - loving - and forgiving. All things I really want to be (and actually am sometimes). But community rubs at my rough edges- it shows me the places I need to work on- it reminds me to actually BE loving instead of just talking about it.
And I'm lucky. I get to walk this journey of learning to love- with a group of 12 amazing women - who love me - even when I'm a jerk. They are committed to me - to seeing me grow - to forgiveness - and mercy - and grace. And in the same way I'm committed to them and we are learning together.
Don't get me wrong - they make me crazy sometimes - and I do look forward to a day - someday - when I have my own room again (or only share with one person) but I'm so grateful for my life. So grateful for community - and so grateful for this love that allows me to dance. (even if I'm not always on beat.)
That's my story for tonight, folks, and I'm stickin' to it.
I've been dreaming recently of living in the States in a cool city like Portland, Seattle, or San Diego - and having a communal house in the inner city - and being committed to living a simple life that blesses others and lets them know that they are loved by the God of the universe - the lover of my soul. Is that crazy? If it is I feel more and more in love with the idea and less and less concerned with the craziness of it.
(Also I've been reading the Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. -read it)
I've been living in community since 2002 when I moved into the dorms at college - and I'd like to think I've learned a lot since then.
For instance I'm a jerk. I'm self-centered. I'm judgemental. I lie - often. I'm prideful. Often, I act hateful and rude when in a stressful situation and/or deprived of sleep. Or even when neither of those conditions apply. I think my way is the best way - and that I am always right.
Here's the thing. I'm not saying all these things to get you to leave some comment saying, "ohh. no you're not. you're lovely." In fact - please don't. I don't need a self-esteem boost (at this moment) and I'm not looking for pity. I'm saying all these things because they true. I don't feel bad or sad about it at the moment - just calm, happy, and desiring change. I've learned these nasty truths about myself over the past 6 or so years of living in community. Of coming in contact with PEOPLE. And the thing is - I like it. I don't like that I am that way (and don't get me wrong - I'm not like that ALL the time) - but I'm glad I've learned that this is who I can be - not who I have to be.
I'm on this journey of learning to love people - I've been on it my whole life but in the last 7 or so years I've been working on it a lot more. And you know what I found out? It's stinkin' hard to be loving all the time! People are ridiculous! They are jerks, selfish, self-centered, judgmental, and mean! Sometimes they lie - sometimes they hurt me on purpose and sometimes they hurt me on accident. It's crazy! But you know what? God tells me I'm supposed to love them no matter what - and I want so badly to do that. I want so badly to love people like God loves them. But sometimes - they aren't very lovable. And as I was mentioning previously...neither am I.
And that's why I like community. Because when I live by myself I can convince myself that I'm a nice person- that I'm easy to get along with- kind - loving - and forgiving. All things I really want to be (and actually am sometimes). But community rubs at my rough edges- it shows me the places I need to work on- it reminds me to actually BE loving instead of just talking about it.
And I'm lucky. I get to walk this journey of learning to love- with a group of 12 amazing women - who love me - even when I'm a jerk. They are committed to me - to seeing me grow - to forgiveness - and mercy - and grace. And in the same way I'm committed to them and we are learning together.
Don't get me wrong - they make me crazy sometimes - and I do look forward to a day - someday - when I have my own room again (or only share with one person) but I'm so grateful for my life. So grateful for community - and so grateful for this love that allows me to dance. (even if I'm not always on beat.)
That's my story for tonight, folks, and I'm stickin' to it.