Its been a while
Im sitting here watching Sex and the City on tv and suddenly I have come to realize, has tv and movies ruined my idea of romance? I mean really, we grow up watching Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Friends. Whats the common denominator? They all live happily ever after. I used to be a love cynic. I used to think love and relationships were kidding themselves into believeing another person really could make them happy. And then I thought I fell in love...twice.
Looking back now I am pretty sure I was kidding myself. I loved the idea of love. The first time we were just good friends who decided that being in a relationship was an ok idea. To this day I kinda forget we went out, I think we were just friends. Who knows. The 2nd time I thought I fell in love I grew to hate him. Often. It wasnt a relationship, it was a series of childish games we played back and forth. I dont even know what that relationship was. I thought it was my 1st real grownup relationship. I soon discovered that it was probably the farthest from it. It was the most immature relationship, as well as unhealthy.
But here is where my realization came in...I always used to blame them, say it was all their fault. I ended things every time. But now, well, I think its me. Its my fault. Obviously if I havent found it yet then I am the problem. I hate myself for this, but I hate this feeling of alone. All I wanted to do was get out of them, but now, its winter. All I want to do is wrap up in a scarf, drink cider, and cuddle on the sofa watching Elf with a genuinly nice guy.
I always end up with assholes. I do. Im notoriously known for it. Why is that? The funny thing is, not all of them started out that way. Travis for example, I mean I picked him specifically BECAUSE he was one of the good guys. He brought my flowers and said nice things. He couldnt hurt me. He ended up being the worst kind. The kind that swept me by surprise when his real personality shown through, becuase I honestly had no idea. Expecially when you find out that those great surprising flowers were indeed more tainted than any upfront asshole coulda done. He asked the flower cashier out while buying me flowers. He asked her to a party that night as soon as he "dropped the flowers off for mom" or whatever the hell he said exactly. I am a magnet.
God, I really hope its them and not me.
Oh well, one day maybe Disney movies will work out for me, maybe I will end up with my best friend as a soul mate, and maybe once just maybe Ill find a genuinly good guy.
On a totally different note I am moving back to orange county in a few months. For good. I know that nobody really reads this anymore so I feel ok announcing this. I dont want anyone to know, I just kinda want to show up at school and hope that nobody notices. I just, Im tired of it here. It isnt working in the least. I just....i dont know. If it wasnt for the lease on my apt I would actually be back for good in this December. So...yea...surpise. Im not sure how I feel about that decision. Happy I think, I miss home.
One more random note aside, I was in town for Noah's party (bartender at Islands)....120 people. open bar. amazing. Lets just say that the evening went very very unexpectidly. I just....wow I didnt see that coming. But I am damn glad that it did. Gives me a little something to smile about for a while.Its a good thing..I think.
Im smiling right now, so thats good...right?
Looking back now I am pretty sure I was kidding myself. I loved the idea of love. The first time we were just good friends who decided that being in a relationship was an ok idea. To this day I kinda forget we went out, I think we were just friends. Who knows. The 2nd time I thought I fell in love I grew to hate him. Often. It wasnt a relationship, it was a series of childish games we played back and forth. I dont even know what that relationship was. I thought it was my 1st real grownup relationship. I soon discovered that it was probably the farthest from it. It was the most immature relationship, as well as unhealthy.
But here is where my realization came in...I always used to blame them, say it was all their fault. I ended things every time. But now, well, I think its me. Its my fault. Obviously if I havent found it yet then I am the problem. I hate myself for this, but I hate this feeling of alone. All I wanted to do was get out of them, but now, its winter. All I want to do is wrap up in a scarf, drink cider, and cuddle on the sofa watching Elf with a genuinly nice guy.
I always end up with assholes. I do. Im notoriously known for it. Why is that? The funny thing is, not all of them started out that way. Travis for example, I mean I picked him specifically BECAUSE he was one of the good guys. He brought my flowers and said nice things. He couldnt hurt me. He ended up being the worst kind. The kind that swept me by surprise when his real personality shown through, becuase I honestly had no idea. Expecially when you find out that those great surprising flowers were indeed more tainted than any upfront asshole coulda done. He asked the flower cashier out while buying me flowers. He asked her to a party that night as soon as he "dropped the flowers off for mom" or whatever the hell he said exactly. I am a magnet.
God, I really hope its them and not me.
Oh well, one day maybe Disney movies will work out for me, maybe I will end up with my best friend as a soul mate, and maybe once just maybe Ill find a genuinly good guy.
On a totally different note I am moving back to orange county in a few months. For good. I know that nobody really reads this anymore so I feel ok announcing this. I dont want anyone to know, I just kinda want to show up at school and hope that nobody notices. I just, Im tired of it here. It isnt working in the least. I just....i dont know. If it wasnt for the lease on my apt I would actually be back for good in this December. So...yea...surpise. Im not sure how I feel about that decision. Happy I think, I miss home.
One more random note aside, I was in town for Noah's party (bartender at Islands)....120 people. open bar. amazing. Lets just say that the evening went very very unexpectidly. I just....wow I didnt see that coming. But I am damn glad that it did. Gives me a little something to smile about for a while.Its a good thing..I think.
Im smiling right now, so thats good...right?