WE DRANK BOTTELED WATER TOGETHER AND TALKED BUSINESS; I THINK I MADE THE RIGHT MOVES
I figured out what my problem has been lately. I haven't been listening to enough Against Me!. Against Me! is fucking transcendent, in the sense that when I listen to them I can transcend whatever I am feeling and just get wrapped in a comforting blanket of their music. Against Me! makes me so happy that they make me a little bit sad, but it's sad in a good way, because I am just sad at the beauty of it all. I want to create this, I want to be able to make something this beautiful and transcendent. When I listen to Against Me! I feel like a fucking hack even though I know I'm not. Against Me! can make you feel like they are your little secret, like they are speaking directly to you when they play, that they wrote these songs as a personal gift to me. They make me feel like mean more to me than anyone else. But I know they do that to so many people and that is why Against Me! is amazing. Twenty years I will be listening to Against Me! and they will still make me feel sixteen.
I am so fucking sick of Nevada right now. Living here makes me feel like my life is on hiatus. It feels like I am just taking three years off of living. Everything I'm doing this summer feels like a fucking filler for my real life. The one time I haven't felt like that was the Arabella show. That was an amazing show, just because it was like the ending of a really good book, and there's this big surprise ending, and you say to yourself after you've read it, "Now that's how a book should end." I could eulogize Arabella right now but instead I'll just be happy that I still have the 7"s. Save that individual experience, everything this summer has just felt like it's not even part of my life. It feels like I'm borrowing someone else's identity for three months. I might just end up going back earlier than I planned. At least that way I can have my own place to sleep and my own things to do. That way I can get a job and work in a place that I feel like I belong. It's not that I don't feel like I don't belong here, it's just not where I live anymore. It feels like I've moved away but I'm still here. Next summer I am staying in Eugene just so I don't have to do this. Friendships have been disintegrating and it's been mostly my fault in almost every case. I just don't have the energy or the drive to maintain some of these relationships and that has made me feel so disconnected. It makes me feel like those relationships I've built that are wasting away never even really meant that much to me, which seems to happen a lot to me. Something in my head changes and nothing ever meant anything. I can just stop caring about people without my control. But then part of me thinks that the relationships were built on an inflatable foundation that the air has finally been let out of; the house was never on sturdy ground. There never was a house. There never was a house.
I am so sick of thinking. That's all I do, I live my life thinking about every single detail. I analyze all my actions and everyone else's. I always want to know exactly what is going on, even though I can never figure it out. My thinking does nothing except waste my energy. Maybe that's why I don't have the energy for my relationships with people; I am too busy thinking about them to experience them. I am too busy thinking to live. I wish I could quit thinking. I just want to feel; to feel everything and to live everything and not be forced to think about what the hell is going on. I wish I could write in this and it would be a stream of feeling, no words or concepts, just my feelings. I wish I could just feel things, complex experiences, and not have to use language to convey them to you. I wish I could just put them on here. I want to be a prelinguistic homonid.
I don't create nearly enough. I spend too much time playing video games or reading trivia on the internet or spending time looking for something to do but never finding it. Every day is like a map without an X; how can you find your treasure if you don't know what you're looking for. I need to find a mountain cave, bring a propane lantern and a loaf of vegan bread and a large jug of bottled water, and I need a pen, paper, and a guitar. I need to write things. I need to draw things. I need to play things. I need to get away from all this shit and spend some time by myself and just figure it out. Tomorrow I am going to go somewhere and drink cup after cup of coffee and smoke so many cigarettes and just write. All fucking day. I am going to write until my head fucking explodes and I am going to smoke an entire pack.
I am not happy enough with who I've been. I am so much more judgemental than I think I am in my head. I give into the stupid bullshit of thinking I know what's best for people, by judging their actions and relationships and existences. If I could turn that eye onto myself how harsh would I be? I am pretty much an asshole and for the most part don't care about what people think and hide behind a veil of irony. I talk about things that don't matter and I don't do things for other people. I am intensely selfish and have so much spritual growth to do. I take advantage of people and that is the one thing that really gets to me. I act like I care about people and think I care about them but I never act like it. I never call them when I say they will, I never want to give time to hear what they say even though I am a good listener, that is through no choice of my own. I am so ridiculously immature sometimes and spending my summer like it's high school isn't helping. I am never in tune with my past/future self enough. I don't hold onto memories like I should and I dismiss feelings I used to have. I think I'm better and smarter and happier than everyone else, I think I've got the edge on everyone else (without the X's).
I want to solve the world's problems. Fuck my own.
I am so fucking sick of Nevada right now. Living here makes me feel like my life is on hiatus. It feels like I am just taking three years off of living. Everything I'm doing this summer feels like a fucking filler for my real life. The one time I haven't felt like that was the Arabella show. That was an amazing show, just because it was like the ending of a really good book, and there's this big surprise ending, and you say to yourself after you've read it, "Now that's how a book should end." I could eulogize Arabella right now but instead I'll just be happy that I still have the 7"s. Save that individual experience, everything this summer has just felt like it's not even part of my life. It feels like I'm borrowing someone else's identity for three months. I might just end up going back earlier than I planned. At least that way I can have my own place to sleep and my own things to do. That way I can get a job and work in a place that I feel like I belong. It's not that I don't feel like I don't belong here, it's just not where I live anymore. It feels like I've moved away but I'm still here. Next summer I am staying in Eugene just so I don't have to do this. Friendships have been disintegrating and it's been mostly my fault in almost every case. I just don't have the energy or the drive to maintain some of these relationships and that has made me feel so disconnected. It makes me feel like those relationships I've built that are wasting away never even really meant that much to me, which seems to happen a lot to me. Something in my head changes and nothing ever meant anything. I can just stop caring about people without my control. But then part of me thinks that the relationships were built on an inflatable foundation that the air has finally been let out of; the house was never on sturdy ground. There never was a house. There never was a house.
I am so sick of thinking. That's all I do, I live my life thinking about every single detail. I analyze all my actions and everyone else's. I always want to know exactly what is going on, even though I can never figure it out. My thinking does nothing except waste my energy. Maybe that's why I don't have the energy for my relationships with people; I am too busy thinking about them to experience them. I am too busy thinking to live. I wish I could quit thinking. I just want to feel; to feel everything and to live everything and not be forced to think about what the hell is going on. I wish I could write in this and it would be a stream of feeling, no words or concepts, just my feelings. I wish I could just feel things, complex experiences, and not have to use language to convey them to you. I wish I could just put them on here. I want to be a prelinguistic homonid.
I don't create nearly enough. I spend too much time playing video games or reading trivia on the internet or spending time looking for something to do but never finding it. Every day is like a map without an X; how can you find your treasure if you don't know what you're looking for. I need to find a mountain cave, bring a propane lantern and a loaf of vegan bread and a large jug of bottled water, and I need a pen, paper, and a guitar. I need to write things. I need to draw things. I need to play things. I need to get away from all this shit and spend some time by myself and just figure it out. Tomorrow I am going to go somewhere and drink cup after cup of coffee and smoke so many cigarettes and just write. All fucking day. I am going to write until my head fucking explodes and I am going to smoke an entire pack.
I am not happy enough with who I've been. I am so much more judgemental than I think I am in my head. I give into the stupid bullshit of thinking I know what's best for people, by judging their actions and relationships and existences. If I could turn that eye onto myself how harsh would I be? I am pretty much an asshole and for the most part don't care about what people think and hide behind a veil of irony. I talk about things that don't matter and I don't do things for other people. I am intensely selfish and have so much spritual growth to do. I take advantage of people and that is the one thing that really gets to me. I act like I care about people and think I care about them but I never act like it. I never call them when I say they will, I never want to give time to hear what they say even though I am a good listener, that is through no choice of my own. I am so ridiculously immature sometimes and spending my summer like it's high school isn't helping. I am never in tune with my past/future self enough. I don't hold onto memories like I should and I dismiss feelings I used to have. I think I'm better and smarter and happier than everyone else, I think I've got the edge on everyone else (without the X's).
I want to solve the world's problems. Fuck my own.