Strange
Sometimes I felel liek there are days where I can only expect out of myself to get one thing done Just one And after that I cannnot be expected to do anything else. It makes me sad. i see pictures. i am trying to understand their signifiganec. i do not want to force anyone into a relationship that he or she does not want to be in. For certain. i am scared though. I am scared really that I have the short end of the stick like I shared today. Csared that I am a no one now. that I mean a certain thing. That I am the one who is being sanctioned off in a title or label. i hate that he made friends with her. i really do. I guess I don't because I am not ready and he does because he is. I am really very sad now .I know that I do not have much time here. This is true. I have thought about a very big fear today. i will writie it down once I get my notebook back once I get my bag again. I do not so much like this heat. I do not because I see all these bodies and beautiful people. i can't help it. I feel terrible. There must be something that I am not doing right. I do feel safe in this environment and I aim to prepare myself for consequences whatever they may be the only thing is now the day is arriving very very soon. i will be chairing. Nothing seems to be making me feel any better. What am I grateful for. i am grateful for the ability to get through goals. I am grateful that I bought the ticket there finally. I am grateful that I have a plan. Grateful that I am done with work for the time being. Grateful that I ate fairly responsibly today except for the fig newtons. Grateful for the interaction with henry today. To see how he is growing.
Grateful for the restraint of the pen instead of emailing him.
Grateful that I lived today and was able to share like that today.
Grateful that I am leaving in a way.
I guess it is that I do want a commitment from someone and if he doesn't then it feels like he is wasting my time. I do not feel like getting hurt over there. I will check this book out when I get there for certain.
the other side of me just wants to love and be loved while I can. And this is indeed great. A great thing. Something that is true. it sucks making plans with him becuase it sometimes does not go the way I plan it. I hate this weather in a way. I do not like to be out there during the day. I just don't Maybe I could get over that. I miss being part of a group god damn it.
Why am I hurting? i do not know. I accept it though as it is right now and continue doing the next right thing. Alright. I will go now. I want to just sit and be well, however I will now go. I bet he will be tired. I am not sure but maybe. I do not like the internet now. I would like to take a vow from it for awhile. Maybe while I am with aunt carol. We shall see. We shall see. Oh how lovely it all is really. i will grieve him I will. I am sad to leave all of them again. I have a long sticky ride. I am scared again. Scared again. Scared again. Alright. I will walk somewhere now to get my bag. Then I'll come back I suppose. Maybe not.
God help me. Oh, and prayers to those in my heart.
Grateful for the restraint of the pen instead of emailing him.
Grateful that I lived today and was able to share like that today.
Grateful that I am leaving in a way.
I guess it is that I do want a commitment from someone and if he doesn't then it feels like he is wasting my time. I do not feel like getting hurt over there. I will check this book out when I get there for certain.
the other side of me just wants to love and be loved while I can. And this is indeed great. A great thing. Something that is true. it sucks making plans with him becuase it sometimes does not go the way I plan it. I hate this weather in a way. I do not like to be out there during the day. I just don't Maybe I could get over that. I miss being part of a group god damn it.
Why am I hurting? i do not know. I accept it though as it is right now and continue doing the next right thing. Alright. I will go now. I want to just sit and be well, however I will now go. I bet he will be tired. I am not sure but maybe. I do not like the internet now. I would like to take a vow from it for awhile. Maybe while I am with aunt carol. We shall see. We shall see. Oh how lovely it all is really. i will grieve him I will. I am sad to leave all of them again. I have a long sticky ride. I am scared again. Scared again. Scared again. Alright. I will walk somewhere now to get my bag. Then I'll come back I suppose. Maybe not.
God help me. Oh, and prayers to those in my heart.