Good Morning.
I can think that this will all settle. i think that the strange feelings of unease will settle. I will get puty. this is true. I have to be careful about who I talk to in this type of thing. i am a very different person and in a way different stage in life. That sounded like it was a separating fact. I don't know. I hope not. I just know that there is a comfort that I must find in other places as well. I am not saying...I am only saying...That I can't put all my eggs in one basket..Hm. Gat it? I can't really rely on anything except a higher power. The one fighting constant. I guess he knows that I change because of this. I do not wish to come off as fawny. I guess I now have the opportunity to mend my ways so to speak. I have freinds. Maybe I should put them to good use. I mean utilize them. Utilize their recourses. A couple of things. When I get involved with someone, when we become friends. At first he can see what it is I am doing and supports it, later, while he still supports it, he see's it less becuase there is the comfort of having his own problems. I have total faith in him though. I mean....strangly I have faith that he will say sorry, or acknowledge it or something. Does he know how much...Okay, here is the place and point where ..I forgot, oh yeah, where I I forgot again...I guess where I make my feelings out to be something less. Those feelings that keep on coming back..
A word on feelings aka emotions.
I have a sensitivity or a false convieced notion that girls are way more emotional. I have that feeling. I have the feeling that guys can handle them well in certain areas, that they let things pass as they may without signifigant harm
interuption. maybe he is being coy, or else his defiition of love is strange to me.
Okay, what are the reprecussions of my actions. What happens in the hour:
-after I have sex
-after I have an orgasm
-after I don't have sex but feel the desire to
-after passionate body contact
-after a hug
So. After a hug. Sometimes after the release there is a stupor in a way. Well, after sex, once I am alone, sometimes I feel bad. Sometimes I feel bad when I am alone after sex. Whoa!!! Flashback, because this really has not happened in awhile. I rememeber feeling like trash after sex and being so embarrased to walk out the door into the sunshine out with the people. Whoa! yeah, i felt disgusting...
....and here's the thing about feelings. They come back. They come back as a tool. I make decisions based on them. Oh most certainly I do. And I would feel vulnerable explaining this to just anyone. Mostly becuase of how guys supposedly are supposed to be.
That's the thing about having sex when you don't want to. I was doing it with a man who told me what love was. He told me that what I was expierienceing on meth was love. It was love. Not as rich, you know as real life though. The decay did not seem to exist for me on "it". As far as the pure cleaness of the feeling I got from it. Hmm. feeling. I know plenty of people that do things just for the feeling. Of course.
I have someone elses voice in my head. I have had little voices run through my head.
what happens:
-after I share a disturbing story?
It depends really. I knew a man that seems more ...And here is another thing. I self restrain my talking so that I won;t hurt anyone. I don't want my story to be recieved with a grunt and a bored facial expression. Heck no.
I am having flashbacks, so I tell this story a little bit now.
Dennis was a bad thing for me. He was all over me. Really overbearing. I guess part of the thing that really puts him off for me is the begging groveling type quality of it. He felt like he had the control, or wanted it. It just felt desperate to me. I mean he offered several times...I have had men...guys...grovel and beg to me before. it's not pretty and I am sorry that it has to go there. I will not mipe myself on the dirt like that. I will resolve to becoemaware of that. It just seems pathetic after awhile. so needy. I definitely di this needy think towards Francesco. That is a fact. I was practically tearing his door down. I was tearing my heart out. Yep. It is embarrassing.
Subjects on mind from all this. Burst of thoughts. : breakfast, work, amends, financial amends, phone calls unanswered, Jean, renewed hope.
I confused. I was confused because I equated his loving me to his loving me. It seems like the same thing but it is. I write this confusing paragraph becuase I am rather timid to detail this scene.
I have an image burned in my head. How often is it, that you are getting fucked on the ground and your only visual is a man sitting on a couch strumming away at a guitar. It doesn't seem right. You see him get up and turn on the music. He stands there and adjusts the volume. He shakes his head. He has heard the arguing for hours. He has been caught in the middle of it. Jeff, I have hope for you. Kick those kids out of your house and get your life happening. First one, then the other, then both, then one. constantly, then I am alone, then i am in the shower, then I am singing, I sort of know. I sort of know. When was the last time you know....
How long:
-Does the residue last from a meth binge my dear.
Tell me..How long?
A word on feelings aka emotions.
I have a sensitivity or a false convieced notion that girls are way more emotional. I have that feeling. I have the feeling that guys can handle them well in certain areas, that they let things pass as they may without signifigant harm
interuption. maybe he is being coy, or else his defiition of love is strange to me.
Okay, what are the reprecussions of my actions. What happens in the hour:
-after I have sex
-after I have an orgasm
-after I don't have sex but feel the desire to
-after passionate body contact
-after a hug
So. After a hug. Sometimes after the release there is a stupor in a way. Well, after sex, once I am alone, sometimes I feel bad. Sometimes I feel bad when I am alone after sex. Whoa!!! Flashback, because this really has not happened in awhile. I rememeber feeling like trash after sex and being so embarrased to walk out the door into the sunshine out with the people. Whoa! yeah, i felt disgusting...
....and here's the thing about feelings. They come back. They come back as a tool. I make decisions based on them. Oh most certainly I do. And I would feel vulnerable explaining this to just anyone. Mostly becuase of how guys supposedly are supposed to be.
That's the thing about having sex when you don't want to. I was doing it with a man who told me what love was. He told me that what I was expierienceing on meth was love. It was love. Not as rich, you know as real life though. The decay did not seem to exist for me on "it". As far as the pure cleaness of the feeling I got from it. Hmm. feeling. I know plenty of people that do things just for the feeling. Of course.
I have someone elses voice in my head. I have had little voices run through my head.
what happens:
-after I share a disturbing story?
It depends really. I knew a man that seems more ...And here is another thing. I self restrain my talking so that I won;t hurt anyone. I don't want my story to be recieved with a grunt and a bored facial expression. Heck no.
I am having flashbacks, so I tell this story a little bit now.
Dennis was a bad thing for me. He was all over me. Really overbearing. I guess part of the thing that really puts him off for me is the begging groveling type quality of it. He felt like he had the control, or wanted it. It just felt desperate to me. I mean he offered several times...I have had men...guys...grovel and beg to me before. it's not pretty and I am sorry that it has to go there. I will not mipe myself on the dirt like that. I will resolve to becoemaware of that. It just seems pathetic after awhile. so needy. I definitely di this needy think towards Francesco. That is a fact. I was practically tearing his door down. I was tearing my heart out. Yep. It is embarrassing.
Subjects on mind from all this. Burst of thoughts. : breakfast, work, amends, financial amends, phone calls unanswered, Jean, renewed hope.
I confused. I was confused because I equated his loving me to his loving me. It seems like the same thing but it is. I write this confusing paragraph becuase I am rather timid to detail this scene.
I have an image burned in my head. How often is it, that you are getting fucked on the ground and your only visual is a man sitting on a couch strumming away at a guitar. It doesn't seem right. You see him get up and turn on the music. He stands there and adjusts the volume. He shakes his head. He has heard the arguing for hours. He has been caught in the middle of it. Jeff, I have hope for you. Kick those kids out of your house and get your life happening. First one, then the other, then both, then one. constantly, then I am alone, then i am in the shower, then I am singing, I sort of know. I sort of know. When was the last time you know....
How long:
-Does the residue last from a meth binge my dear.
Tell me..How long?