(no subject)
I have a problem. Well some say I'd have more than one, but this is pressing on my life and has been for a long time. I'm sure most people reading this know the Ben story. Sometimes I still look at his picture. Mostly it doesn't bother me, it's as if looking at a vaguely familiar stranger. But rarely, especially if coldplay happens to be playing in my winamp I get the crappy kind of nostalgia. Not the kind where I want him or anything but the kind that scares me into remembering how bad he hurt me. And even though I think I am pretty empowered now as the woman I've grown into being, I never got the answer. The Why part of getting hurt. The part that at first we ignore and make silly claims of "he wasn't good enough", "he couldn't handle me" or "I am so much better off" or whatever we tell ourselves as coping mechanisms. While really they may be fully true, we wouldn't have had to tell ourselves such things if the man in question hadn't hurt us so painfully. I never really bothered with those thoughts, I went straight to the practicalities.
Anyway, no one ever told me why. And really, everyone deals with this. People in relationships, people dating around, people fucking around, everyone. Does anyone really have it figured out? What motivates the other person? What makes them do the good they do or the horrible things that break our hearts. It really is all perspective though. I think it has a lot to do with selfishness, an inherant, though not necessarily "bad" quality of humans. Here's an example: a friend and I were talking. He's going on and on about problems with his girl and how she's not responding to his affections and how she kissed another guy and they got in a huge fight about it.. drama llama. We talk about it some more and nonchalantly he slips how he had sex with a girl not long ago, like it was no big deal. Yet obviously if his girl even kisses another guy it is a massive event. And I realized I'm the damn same way. It's all perspective. If I know in my heart I don't give a damn about whoever I may be cavorting with, that it's really so-and-so that has my heart, yet if he does anything even remotely to worry me it becomes a big problem. I'm selfish that way.
The end conclusion is we will only really ever know what we ourselves are thinking. Some people even have problems figuring that out. Someone else may tell us anything but each living individual has their own motives, whether they are in line with their words and actions or not. Trust is the only thing we can do. I wonder sometimes if I'll get there again. Which delusions are better to live under? Those who think their significant other is so faithful and honest and completely in love no matter what, or those who dig through their lover's wallet looking for signs. I'll try to be in the middle because even thought I strongly dislike idiotic people of the first group the most I do not want to live with the albatross of insecurity round my neck.
On another note, I decided to accept my job offer and am going to Toledo to hunt for an apartment. Due to the delightfully low cost of living I've bookmarked some places that have two bedrooms, two stories, washer and dryers, walk in closets...fireplaces even. This would be nice for burning all my "evidence" haha. But since I'm lame that would only be things like receipts with my cc number on it and not pictures of me with fabulously dangerous men. You know... all those crazy secret agents that hang out in Ohio.