highs and lows..
I don't even know where to start this. I am SO unhappy at this moment. Here I am, on this beautiful island, crying my eyes out. I feel so alone, ashamed, full of regret for the choices that brought me back here. This has without a doubt been the WORST year of my life regarding finances, relationships, my nursing career, and my mental health. I know it's me. There is some demon in me that makes me the way I am. I am a liar. I am selfish. I am impulsive and irresponsible. I am quick to trust and I end up getting hurt which turns me on myself. I am vulnerable, easily lonely. My mood is unpredictable. I cry too much. And when I am happy it's just a mask. This year I have managed to have my nursing career tainted, been fired twice, had my heart broken and broke one in return, lost one of my BEST friends which I am still so upset about, tried to kill myself twice, and sent myself away to an island that is full of bad memories and broken promises.,
I swear walking around that hospital is haunting. I keep thinking I am going to see him come around the corner with her on his arm like it's no big deal, this is what was meant to be. I am damaged. I am so eager to give myself to someone that it always bites me in the ass at the end. I believe what other people say and they are liars, so I have become what I have experienced. I don't keep promises. I don't keep plans. I don't call you back. I don't open my mail. I don't pay my bills (because I have no money) and then something like today happens. I find that motherfucking HOLE that I have been digging and I fall right in. This has got to be manic depression, there is no other explaination. Yesterday I was making plans for my future and today I am contemplating the best way to die. I feel like such a failure in every part of my life. My debt is outrageous. I have one credit card I haven't paid in 6 months, one for 2 months, I owe my mother $1400 and my sister $300, and my car payment has been late for the last 2 months. Money is so fucking stupid. I'm so far in debt that I just don't care anymore. I just don't really care about anything right now. No matter what I do in this small piece of time I have on this earth, it will come to an end. When I feel like this, I wish the end was now. I literally sat here for an hour deciding if it would be better to jump off my second floor balcony or if I had a sharp enough knife in the kitchen. Why is this happening to me? This is not natural thinking here.
I just want the suffering to be over. I've tried and tried to find myself but I am lost. I am falling farther into the darkness and I'm letting it consume me. The demon wins today.
I swear walking around that hospital is haunting. I keep thinking I am going to see him come around the corner with her on his arm like it's no big deal, this is what was meant to be. I am damaged. I am so eager to give myself to someone that it always bites me in the ass at the end. I believe what other people say and they are liars, so I have become what I have experienced. I don't keep promises. I don't keep plans. I don't call you back. I don't open my mail. I don't pay my bills (because I have no money) and then something like today happens. I find that motherfucking HOLE that I have been digging and I fall right in. This has got to be manic depression, there is no other explaination. Yesterday I was making plans for my future and today I am contemplating the best way to die. I feel like such a failure in every part of my life. My debt is outrageous. I have one credit card I haven't paid in 6 months, one for 2 months, I owe my mother $1400 and my sister $300, and my car payment has been late for the last 2 months. Money is so fucking stupid. I'm so far in debt that I just don't care anymore. I just don't really care about anything right now. No matter what I do in this small piece of time I have on this earth, it will come to an end. When I feel like this, I wish the end was now. I literally sat here for an hour deciding if it would be better to jump off my second floor balcony or if I had a sharp enough knife in the kitchen. Why is this happening to me? This is not natural thinking here.
I just want the suffering to be over. I've tried and tried to find myself but I am lost. I am falling farther into the darkness and I'm letting it consume me. The demon wins today.