Changes..
Although I said in the last entry that it has been a really long time since I have written, it's been another 2 years! I have been through SO much, so many emotions, so many locations! After that stupid local travel crap, I decided to whore myself out to real travel agencies. Jenna was in Corpus Christi, TX and magically, the first job I got accepted for was an hour from her :) I was dating Miller at the time but money was calling and I really wanted to take a chance and see what kind of nurse I really was. I went there and had 12 hours to get my bearings, and it was soooo exciting! I really excelled and had an amazing time. During my stay Miller and I broke it off because honestly he never called and never acted like he really cared about me. An opportunity to go to the Virgin Islands came up and I was stoked!
I went back home for a bit and got in touch with my "fuck buddy" Seer, so I decided to go down and see him before I hit the islands. It totally sucked, he sat and played video games, we went out once for hookah and I puked my guts out. We slept together once and it totally wasn't what I remembered.. anyway I made it down to St. Croix in one piece.
I stayed in St Croix for 4 months. I met a man named James and we started dating. He told me a bunch of crap about waiting to sleep with me until we were married, told me he would love me forever after 2 weeks, and we started traveling together. We went to Minnesota and saw the mall of America, got our car broken into, and helped a hospital go from paper to EPIC charting. After that we went to Vegas. It was insane and awesome. We stayed in his grandparents apartment which felt strange. He told me he didn't want to sleep with me but he kept wanting to mess around and sleep in the same bed, I felt conflicted.. He was also very religious and we prayed over almost every meal. I was actually very happy to rediscover God but I felt like he was more into it than I was. I met his family for his brother's engagement party and I got really involved. I made a banner and even came up with a game to play to kind of embarrass his brother (the bubblegum game). I thought it went well...
Over Christmas we were supposed to go to our separate homes, but plans changed and I ended up at his house for Christmas. I felt very out of place. He had made it very clear that only immediate family was to be involved as they were a very traditional family and we were neither engaged nor married, so obviously I felt very uncomfortable. I also missed my family since I hadn't seen them in 6 months. Everything seemed fine even though I had been reserved during the holiday. James took me to the airport, kissed me, and told me he would see me soon.. and then after Christmas he called me on the phone and dumped me. He told me I wasn't a match for his family.
At first I was devestated.. actually I am just recently recovering from the rejection. I dated a guy in January who treated me awesome, I just don't think I was ready even though we exchanged the "ilu". I think I just wanted to be wanted. After a few weeks, I called it off because I just felt weird. He cared for me so much, and I felt like it wasn't fair to him.
I just kind of became numb after that. Cranky, isolated, sleeping all the time and not getting out. My endometriosis has been really uncomfortable so I went on and off hormone therapy because the side effects were worse than the pain. Last Saturday I tried to overdose on sleeping pills after I had been drinking and woke up in a psych hospital. Talk about a wake up call.. I spent 36 hours there and I have really made a turn around.
I am trying to assess my mood in the mornings and evenings now. I am trying to make a daily goal and keep it. I am putting my heart and soul into my work. I am reaching out to the people in my life that know and care about me. I am becoming more active. I am restarting my journal.
I am restarting my life.
I went out with Matt on Thursday night to karaoke. I realized that he has been there for me throught it all. He understands me. He accepts me for me. I am in love with him, for real this time! He went to the bathroom and I cried while I was smiling as I realized how special he was to me. I apologized to him for hurting him, and he held my hand and told me we had a clean slate and were starting over. It made me feel really good.
When we were ready to leave, I asked him to come over for a minute to listen to an old tape of me singing and playing the piano. He stopped me in the parking lot and went to his trunk. He pulled out his guitar. I sat in my skirt and heels cross legged in front of him and listened as he sang me his "go to" song when he was feeling bad "mumford and sons- the cave". Then he came up and listened to me play really bad piano! We said we were friends, but when I walked him to the door and he kissed me. It was passionate and took my breath away, NOT what I remembered feeling with him. He texted me when he got home and I smiled.
Turning page use to make me cry. Now I listen to it and smile and think of Matt. I am very excited about my life, I have a lot to live for. I am rediscovering my talents, and I am discovering love.
Live is sweet.
I went back home for a bit and got in touch with my "fuck buddy" Seer, so I decided to go down and see him before I hit the islands. It totally sucked, he sat and played video games, we went out once for hookah and I puked my guts out. We slept together once and it totally wasn't what I remembered.. anyway I made it down to St. Croix in one piece.
I stayed in St Croix for 4 months. I met a man named James and we started dating. He told me a bunch of crap about waiting to sleep with me until we were married, told me he would love me forever after 2 weeks, and we started traveling together. We went to Minnesota and saw the mall of America, got our car broken into, and helped a hospital go from paper to EPIC charting. After that we went to Vegas. It was insane and awesome. We stayed in his grandparents apartment which felt strange. He told me he didn't want to sleep with me but he kept wanting to mess around and sleep in the same bed, I felt conflicted.. He was also very religious and we prayed over almost every meal. I was actually very happy to rediscover God but I felt like he was more into it than I was. I met his family for his brother's engagement party and I got really involved. I made a banner and even came up with a game to play to kind of embarrass his brother (the bubblegum game). I thought it went well...
Over Christmas we were supposed to go to our separate homes, but plans changed and I ended up at his house for Christmas. I felt very out of place. He had made it very clear that only immediate family was to be involved as they were a very traditional family and we were neither engaged nor married, so obviously I felt very uncomfortable. I also missed my family since I hadn't seen them in 6 months. Everything seemed fine even though I had been reserved during the holiday. James took me to the airport, kissed me, and told me he would see me soon.. and then after Christmas he called me on the phone and dumped me. He told me I wasn't a match for his family.
At first I was devestated.. actually I am just recently recovering from the rejection. I dated a guy in January who treated me awesome, I just don't think I was ready even though we exchanged the "ilu". I think I just wanted to be wanted. After a few weeks, I called it off because I just felt weird. He cared for me so much, and I felt like it wasn't fair to him.
I just kind of became numb after that. Cranky, isolated, sleeping all the time and not getting out. My endometriosis has been really uncomfortable so I went on and off hormone therapy because the side effects were worse than the pain. Last Saturday I tried to overdose on sleeping pills after I had been drinking and woke up in a psych hospital. Talk about a wake up call.. I spent 36 hours there and I have really made a turn around.
I am trying to assess my mood in the mornings and evenings now. I am trying to make a daily goal and keep it. I am putting my heart and soul into my work. I am reaching out to the people in my life that know and care about me. I am becoming more active. I am restarting my journal.
I am restarting my life.
I went out with Matt on Thursday night to karaoke. I realized that he has been there for me throught it all. He understands me. He accepts me for me. I am in love with him, for real this time! He went to the bathroom and I cried while I was smiling as I realized how special he was to me. I apologized to him for hurting him, and he held my hand and told me we had a clean slate and were starting over. It made me feel really good.
When we were ready to leave, I asked him to come over for a minute to listen to an old tape of me singing and playing the piano. He stopped me in the parking lot and went to his trunk. He pulled out his guitar. I sat in my skirt and heels cross legged in front of him and listened as he sang me his "go to" song when he was feeling bad "mumford and sons- the cave". Then he came up and listened to me play really bad piano! We said we were friends, but when I walked him to the door and he kissed me. It was passionate and took my breath away, NOT what I remembered feeling with him. He texted me when he got home and I smiled.
Turning page use to make me cry. Now I listen to it and smile and think of Matt. I am very excited about my life, I have a lot to live for. I am rediscovering my talents, and I am discovering love.
Live is sweet.