a slow recovery..
My heart is slowly healing.. there's definitely a long road ahead before I will be normal, but I have learned invaluable lessons from this experience.
Here's an exerpt from emails between me and my lil sis:
Her:
"You shouldn't compromise your happiness. And, as you've already learned, you can't expect him to change. I ask Chris all the time to take his stupid dirty socks to the dirty clothes hamper in the bedroom instead of leaving them in the floor. And he'll do it for like three days and then forget about it completely until I reprimand him again. Same thing with Brad. He'll probably be great for a month or so and then slip back into himself when he gets comfortable again. The difference is that I can live with dirty socks."
Me:
"You're right about guys going back to the way they
have been in the past. I tried to tell Brad that and
he just couldn't seem to understand why I wouldn't
give him another chance. I did have my first bad
dream about the breakup.. I was at your wedding having
a great time, and then I realized Brad wasn't there.
I was running around looking everywhere.. apparently
it was some place where multiple weddings were going
on because I was running into different brides and
screaming at them. Then I found a phone and tried to
call him, but he changed his number. So there I was,
in my dream, surrounded by a million brides, and I
have never felt so alone. I think it's okay though..
I was subconsciously dealing with my loss of our
relationship, and the loss of the idea of getting
married.. I'm not alone. I have you and actually I
discovered I have some really awesome friends who have
just been wonderful. I couldn't ask for more. The
fact that I passed that test today after such an
emotional week just reinforces what I have to look
forward to--BEING AN ER NURSE!!! What an amazing
feeling.. "
In another email to a friend talking about his relationship, I really analyzed what happened:
"You know, it's really funny that you said she wanted to be engaged before you left.. That's part of the reason my relationship fell apart. We were together 4 years and I had gotten so impatient. The pressure was really intense for him to ask me, so it basically backfired. He ended up putting it off and putting it off, and then after a while, I felt like if he asked me, it would be because I wanted it and not because WE wanted it. I learned a lot dating someone for four years.. what I want, what I can live with, and what I definitely CAN'T. I just want to be with someone that I can't get my mind off of, can't wait to talk to, and just can't live without. I didn't have that with him, so, here I am. Single. And scared as hell!! Anyway, not to give advice because I really have no leg to stand on, but, do what makes you happy. NEVER EVER do something because someone else wants you to, unless you BOTH EQUALLY want it. I learned that the hard way. I did everything he ever wanted me to, even up to interviewing for jobs in places HE wanted me to but I have no interest in living. I ended up growing some balls and taking the job that I WANTED, and that's when things fell apart. He didn't support my success because it wasn't what HE wanted.. "
So.. I like to think even though this has royally SUCKED, ultimately I will be a better person because of it. I can't say whether or not Brad is in my future, but for now, I will concentrate on being the best me that I can be.
Here's an exerpt from emails between me and my lil sis:
Her:
"You shouldn't compromise your happiness. And, as you've already learned, you can't expect him to change. I ask Chris all the time to take his stupid dirty socks to the dirty clothes hamper in the bedroom instead of leaving them in the floor. And he'll do it for like three days and then forget about it completely until I reprimand him again. Same thing with Brad. He'll probably be great for a month or so and then slip back into himself when he gets comfortable again. The difference is that I can live with dirty socks."
Me:
"You're right about guys going back to the way they
have been in the past. I tried to tell Brad that and
he just couldn't seem to understand why I wouldn't
give him another chance. I did have my first bad
dream about the breakup.. I was at your wedding having
a great time, and then I realized Brad wasn't there.
I was running around looking everywhere.. apparently
it was some place where multiple weddings were going
on because I was running into different brides and
screaming at them. Then I found a phone and tried to
call him, but he changed his number. So there I was,
in my dream, surrounded by a million brides, and I
have never felt so alone. I think it's okay though..
I was subconsciously dealing with my loss of our
relationship, and the loss of the idea of getting
married.. I'm not alone. I have you and actually I
discovered I have some really awesome friends who have
just been wonderful. I couldn't ask for more. The
fact that I passed that test today after such an
emotional week just reinforces what I have to look
forward to--BEING AN ER NURSE!!! What an amazing
feeling.. "
In another email to a friend talking about his relationship, I really analyzed what happened:
"You know, it's really funny that you said she wanted to be engaged before you left.. That's part of the reason my relationship fell apart. We were together 4 years and I had gotten so impatient. The pressure was really intense for him to ask me, so it basically backfired. He ended up putting it off and putting it off, and then after a while, I felt like if he asked me, it would be because I wanted it and not because WE wanted it. I learned a lot dating someone for four years.. what I want, what I can live with, and what I definitely CAN'T. I just want to be with someone that I can't get my mind off of, can't wait to talk to, and just can't live without. I didn't have that with him, so, here I am. Single. And scared as hell!! Anyway, not to give advice because I really have no leg to stand on, but, do what makes you happy. NEVER EVER do something because someone else wants you to, unless you BOTH EQUALLY want it. I learned that the hard way. I did everything he ever wanted me to, even up to interviewing for jobs in places HE wanted me to but I have no interest in living. I ended up growing some balls and taking the job that I WANTED, and that's when things fell apart. He didn't support my success because it wasn't what HE wanted.. "
So.. I like to think even though this has royally SUCKED, ultimately I will be a better person because of it. I can't say whether or not Brad is in my future, but for now, I will concentrate on being the best me that I can be.