(no subject)
I've been thinking today how much has changed in such a short amount of time. I've been thinking too about that old cliche how "a baby changes everything" and how absolutely true that is. The time between Kova's birth and now has been a huge time of self-reflection for me. The 23 years before he was here are completely blurry. Almost non-existent. I don't feel I spent much of that time doing anything worthwhile or productive, I just...was. I was me. Until Kova came along I thought I had a pretty good handle on who I was, but the second I officially became a mother something switched or clicked inside of me and I suddenly started questioning every belief system, every personality and character trait I had thus acquired for myself.
I'm not going to lie, the weeks that followed his birth were hard on me emotionally. On the one hand I had never felt happier or more solid as a person. I knew where I wanted to be and I knew what I wanted to be doing. Kova became my life, my entire reason for being, and I never loved someone so much before in my entire life. But then, on the other hand, I felt like a (very happy) mother but not much else. Who else was I? Could I be content with devoting my life to making his life as wonderful and full as possible? Could I be happy with just being a mother? Would it make me a bad person, or a bad mother, to want more than that? It was a tough time. Full of questions and I didn't have any of the answers.
And then, I had so many questions when it came to Hobby. SOOO many questions. The day Kova was born is kind of a blur now. Full of pain and ambulances and big men in uniforms that wouldn't hold my hand. Long story there but the short of it is, Kova was born. He was tiny and bloody and I was exhausted and I just....stared at him. I stared at him for the longest time and as silly as it sounds I just felt so confused. I had a baby. I just gave birth to a baby. A person. A real live tiny little person. I didn't cry. As many times as I pictured myself giving birth I always imagined myself crying but I didn't. I was happy of course but...no tears. Hobby though, Hobby sobbed big giant crocodile tears while he held Kova's hand and softly told him,"Ekova it's okay. You're okay. You're here and I love you." I stared at Hobby and my heart grew big and soft and I fell in love with the man that fell in love with my baby.
Hobby and I have been through so much together. He's taught me a lot about myself. This relationship has taught me a lot about myself. And being a mother has taught me more about myself and more about life than anything else ever has. I am not perfect. Not even close. I have a mean temper sometimes. I'm manipulative. I know how to get my way. I know how to twist things and mold them so I always came out looking sweet and innocent. I'm not a bad person. My intentions are never to harm anyone. I never go out seeking trouble or try to cause it. I have a lot of my own issues that I've become more willing to accept and work on these past couple of months. My temper still can get violent but never with the baby of course. Not ever ever ever. Sometimes, when I feel frustrated or angry, I don't know how to verbalize those emotions in a healthy way so I start fights or arguments or I break anything small and made of glass I can get my angry little paws on. The only person I ever end up hurting though is me. So obvious and ironic isn't it? But, I'm working on those things. God forbid I end up like mothering like my mother mothered me. She was manipulative and angry and yelled and cried and broke things but we never really understood why. And she never understood how we couldn't possible understand why she did those things.
I really don't want to be like that. I tell Kova everyday how wonderful and amazing he is and how much I love him. He only ever sees me happy. Although, as sappy as it sounds, it's very hard to be around him and not be happy. Every time I look at him he flashes me a big gummy smile and kicks his little legs in excitement upon seeing me I just melt. I can't ever imagine my life without him in it. It feels like he's always been here. He's perfect, absolutely perfect and I am so happy he's a part of this world.
I'm not going to lie, the weeks that followed his birth were hard on me emotionally. On the one hand I had never felt happier or more solid as a person. I knew where I wanted to be and I knew what I wanted to be doing. Kova became my life, my entire reason for being, and I never loved someone so much before in my entire life. But then, on the other hand, I felt like a (very happy) mother but not much else. Who else was I? Could I be content with devoting my life to making his life as wonderful and full as possible? Could I be happy with just being a mother? Would it make me a bad person, or a bad mother, to want more than that? It was a tough time. Full of questions and I didn't have any of the answers.
And then, I had so many questions when it came to Hobby. SOOO many questions. The day Kova was born is kind of a blur now. Full of pain and ambulances and big men in uniforms that wouldn't hold my hand. Long story there but the short of it is, Kova was born. He was tiny and bloody and I was exhausted and I just....stared at him. I stared at him for the longest time and as silly as it sounds I just felt so confused. I had a baby. I just gave birth to a baby. A person. A real live tiny little person. I didn't cry. As many times as I pictured myself giving birth I always imagined myself crying but I didn't. I was happy of course but...no tears. Hobby though, Hobby sobbed big giant crocodile tears while he held Kova's hand and softly told him,"Ekova it's okay. You're okay. You're here and I love you." I stared at Hobby and my heart grew big and soft and I fell in love with the man that fell in love with my baby.
Hobby and I have been through so much together. He's taught me a lot about myself. This relationship has taught me a lot about myself. And being a mother has taught me more about myself and more about life than anything else ever has. I am not perfect. Not even close. I have a mean temper sometimes. I'm manipulative. I know how to get my way. I know how to twist things and mold them so I always came out looking sweet and innocent. I'm not a bad person. My intentions are never to harm anyone. I never go out seeking trouble or try to cause it. I have a lot of my own issues that I've become more willing to accept and work on these past couple of months. My temper still can get violent but never with the baby of course. Not ever ever ever. Sometimes, when I feel frustrated or angry, I don't know how to verbalize those emotions in a healthy way so I start fights or arguments or I break anything small and made of glass I can get my angry little paws on. The only person I ever end up hurting though is me. So obvious and ironic isn't it? But, I'm working on those things. God forbid I end up like mothering like my mother mothered me. She was manipulative and angry and yelled and cried and broke things but we never really understood why. And she never understood how we couldn't possible understand why she did those things.
I really don't want to be like that. I tell Kova everyday how wonderful and amazing he is and how much I love him. He only ever sees me happy. Although, as sappy as it sounds, it's very hard to be around him and not be happy. Every time I look at him he flashes me a big gummy smile and kicks his little legs in excitement upon seeing me I just melt. I can't ever imagine my life without him in it. It feels like he's always been here. He's perfect, absolutely perfect and I am so happy he's a part of this world.