But I want it again, and it finds me.
"Broken truth, Whispering lies...And it hurts again.
What I fear, What I tried. All the pain, I want it to end.
And without you, the fight inside is breaking me again..."
-Red/Nothing and Everything
Walk in. Walk out.
Don't stay in too long, I told myself.
Door was already open. Just a bit, though.
I stopped when I got in and took a look around the room.
He was there. Not in a literal sense, but he was there. I could feel him everywhere.
It was almost as if he was in the room.
I just shut my eyes for a second or two, I lost count.
Flashes of white lights, just a flash or two.
A recent memory, faint, something I'm surprised I hadn't forced out of me before.
We didn't talk, no talking for now. We just looked at each other, both with the most ridiculous looks on our faces.
These smiles, these loving smiles everywhere.
But at the moment it had meant so much.
For days, I had drawn in my head that childish smile of his, the one that used to make me have to look away, because if I stared for too long I may overwhelm myself and my heart might give in. I had to look away. But that was the old Effy. John Foster made me strong again.
I could look at Freddie this time around. I was strong. And all I felt was love.
This time around we both smiled, and when I declared outloud that I was happy, I could show him how much I meant it.
Arms wrapped around each other. His new jumper was softer than the one that he had left at my house, I just held on to the wool, the warmness of his skin combined.
I walked to the bed and sat down. He always made room for me in his tiny bed, It used to shock me how we would both fit perfectly, and we would cling to each other, I'd hold on to his arm, he'd hover over me, just...holding me. And we'd look at each other. Holding, not only looking, but seeing each other.
So I laid on my side.
His side of the bed was undone, it was a mess. The spliff left over on his bed stand, it's scent spreading across the room.
But it was nice. Because it was his scent. It wasn't just the weed, or the...unfortunate, rotting smell of something at the corner of the room, it was him. Freddie.
I wrapped myself into his sheets, just covering myself with what was left.
I breathed into his pillow. His shampoo. Sweet....Sweet.
Couldn't place my finger on it.
I shut my eyes and held on to the pillow, seeing his face, picturing him holding on to it as well.
We had laid her just two weeks ago. Had it just been two weeks?
I clung to his pillow, hard. Couldn't let go. I just held on with my fists, and my feet, tangled in the bedsheets, and my heart, just clutching to all that I could of him. His worn out cardigan that I had returned to him two weeks ago, His pillow, His sheets, His face in my head. His voice in my head.
"We're together. We're going to be together."
"I'm going to take care of you now. I promise. I promise."
His voice echoed everywhere in my head. All of his promises, desperately hopeless voices.
"Where are you, Freddie?"
I don't know how long I laid there for. Waiting, just wanting to hear the voice again.