(no subject)
I'm tired of rhyming, of hiding, of hinting. It usually only serves as a method to vent and understand what is wrong, and then I can usually fix it. But to the best of my knowledge I don't understand anymore, I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I'm miserable, I'm absolutely miserable. All the time now, I randomly cry almost daily, I don't know what's upsetting me so much. It feels like Natally doesn't think of me the same, I can't help but feel like I'm to blame, because of this reason exactly I can't help but feel I'm getting gradually worse. With her apathy, indifference, and just lack of passion that was initially what attracted her to me in the first place, I feel worthless. She spends her days sleeping, when she does talk to me, she has nothing important to say to me. I feel like I talk a whole lot to her, but I get a bunch of half assed responses. She just doesn't seem to care anymore, about very much. She sometimes has random bursts of energy, but it rarely has anything to do with me, and so I wonder, what good do I do her. What GOOD does she do -me- anymore? I'm spending all this damn money and time excercising to go see her. Maybe it will be different when I visit her. But what about afterwards? What if, due how emotionally fucked up I am now, that I don't leave any good memories with my time there? I guess at that point the answer is obvious. I don't see why it isn't now. I would totally end it right now if I wasn't going to see her. If it continued like this, there is no point. It hurts to see myself write that, it scares me that I can only realize these things after writing them out. I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want to make anyone cry anymore. I've confronted her about it sometimes, I even admitting crying to her which I believe was a mistake. I can't help but feel I just come off as pathetic now, and I feel that because I'm pathetic, I'm losing her more and more. Sometimes I try! Sometimes I feel GREAT! And I feel like I can't do anything wrong, and I try to make her feel good too, or just talk to her, but she's different now. I don't want my parents to see me cry. In order to bike all those miles I'll need my whole heart behind this, and it scares me now because of how enfeedbled I am because of another damn girl.
I personally think I should stop trying to date people. Until I find someone that understands me better then I do, because I don't have a clue about love anymore. I just lie to myself, I tell myself they're fantastic, and they are at the time, but something always changes. But I try to pretend nothings changed, and love them as much as I did before, but they become a different person. WHy does every girl I interact with change so much? It's like I fuck their whole personality over. Maybe I'm just a lot to deal with. This has happened in almost every relationship I've been in, so it's safe to say I am to blame. Or maybe I'm just attracted to the wrong girls.
God damn it Natally, I'm so terrified of what I've cornered myself into, I'm not afraid of breaking it off, I just wish you'd tell me what you're feeling sometimes. You already know I'm a mess, how fucked up I act, that I had a complete meltdown, what are you feeling through all of this!? I ask you if you're happy, you say you are, I ask if everythings alright, you say it's ok, you're just tired. I've heard that my whole life, I've said that myself my whole life, I say that when I just want to run away, I don't want to confront whats wrong, I don't want to explain it. I just keep it all inside.
I'm just imagining things, I'm sick, I'm almost puking and shitting water and I can't remember being more stressed. This is proof if anything, that I can't work with girls anymore. If this relationship ends (which it probably will, I've never been so depressed before over a girl, I don't think I could go back to being happy with her after all that's happened now, I feel too awkward with all these feelings and thoughts I've had)
I'll need to remind myself to stop trying, and not let myself be convinced of love, I'm tired of throwing that word around so carelessly. I don't want to love anymore, at least, not my kind of love, my kind of love is obsessive, it's unhealthy, I need to remember what is important to myself.
I want to make people happy
I want to be able to help people
I don't want to ever tell another lie
I want to be reliable
I don't want to be lazy, apathetic, or indifferent
I want to care about everything that deserves to be cared about
I don't want to be this dissapointment anymore
I'm so scared, I don't know what to do.
I personally think I should stop trying to date people. Until I find someone that understands me better then I do, because I don't have a clue about love anymore. I just lie to myself, I tell myself they're fantastic, and they are at the time, but something always changes. But I try to pretend nothings changed, and love them as much as I did before, but they become a different person. WHy does every girl I interact with change so much? It's like I fuck their whole personality over. Maybe I'm just a lot to deal with. This has happened in almost every relationship I've been in, so it's safe to say I am to blame. Or maybe I'm just attracted to the wrong girls.
God damn it Natally, I'm so terrified of what I've cornered myself into, I'm not afraid of breaking it off, I just wish you'd tell me what you're feeling sometimes. You already know I'm a mess, how fucked up I act, that I had a complete meltdown, what are you feeling through all of this!? I ask you if you're happy, you say you are, I ask if everythings alright, you say it's ok, you're just tired. I've heard that my whole life, I've said that myself my whole life, I say that when I just want to run away, I don't want to confront whats wrong, I don't want to explain it. I just keep it all inside.
I'm just imagining things, I'm sick, I'm almost puking and shitting water and I can't remember being more stressed. This is proof if anything, that I can't work with girls anymore. If this relationship ends (which it probably will, I've never been so depressed before over a girl, I don't think I could go back to being happy with her after all that's happened now, I feel too awkward with all these feelings and thoughts I've had)
I'll need to remind myself to stop trying, and not let myself be convinced of love, I'm tired of throwing that word around so carelessly. I don't want to love anymore, at least, not my kind of love, my kind of love is obsessive, it's unhealthy, I need to remember what is important to myself.
I want to make people happy
I want to be able to help people
I don't want to ever tell another lie
I want to be reliable
I don't want to be lazy, apathetic, or indifferent
I want to care about everything that deserves to be cared about
I don't want to be this dissapointment anymore
I'm so scared, I don't know what to do.