Inertia-goals--and what's really bothering me....
I've been feeling like everything around me is moving so fast--and I want to move with it, but I can't--like a forced vertigo...
I've got all these things in the back of my head that I want to achieve, goals ranging from long term to short term, but I just can't get off my ass and go back to school to get them started.. I'm so fucking terrified.. that's the only way I can put it. I've put myself in a situation to think I'm so fucking smart, and I know I do have an intellectual superiority complex, but I'm so scared of going back to school and realising I'm a fucking idiot......That all my reading of classic lit, periodicals, watching the history channel and expanding my own knowledge base on my own was just some sham, a charade ...... That I've been lying to myself this whole time. I'm stuck in this state of fear that is paralyzing.. and I don't know how to over come it.. all I know is that I want something to give me that motivation. To push me forward. To make me get off my ass and actually start doing what I am supposed to be doing....
On another note, I've been feeling so alone lately. I had been talking to David about this scary feeling. I've felt lonely because the group of people I feel I really connect with, that I truly have something in common with is getting smaller. Truth be told the only people I can say I really connect with right now are DJ and T2-Two of the people from work that don't treat me like the PINKO-COMMIE-LIBERAL that everyone else at work seems to treat me like. The Few other people I connect with seem so far aways, living in other states, or across the sea. I need to go out and actually meet people who have similar interests but that would involve me being social which is one of those skills that I don't have. I'm good in small groups but clubs? Parties? Yeah that's not me, not my scene if you will.
I mean look at me, I like movies like BRICK, The Science of Sleep, and Farewell My Concubine. I read books like, Love is a mix tape, Metamorphosis, Notes from the Underground. My magazines of choice are ISR, Juxtapoz, Nylon for guys, Bitch and Ms. Not the typical you know. I don't know, I'm just suffering from feeling completely out of place right now.
I've got all these things in the back of my head that I want to achieve, goals ranging from long term to short term, but I just can't get off my ass and go back to school to get them started.. I'm so fucking terrified.. that's the only way I can put it. I've put myself in a situation to think I'm so fucking smart, and I know I do have an intellectual superiority complex, but I'm so scared of going back to school and realising I'm a fucking idiot......That all my reading of classic lit, periodicals, watching the history channel and expanding my own knowledge base on my own was just some sham, a charade ...... That I've been lying to myself this whole time. I'm stuck in this state of fear that is paralyzing.. and I don't know how to over come it.. all I know is that I want something to give me that motivation. To push me forward. To make me get off my ass and actually start doing what I am supposed to be doing....
On another note, I've been feeling so alone lately. I had been talking to David about this scary feeling. I've felt lonely because the group of people I feel I really connect with, that I truly have something in common with is getting smaller. Truth be told the only people I can say I really connect with right now are DJ and T2-Two of the people from work that don't treat me like the PINKO-COMMIE-LIBERAL that everyone else at work seems to treat me like. The Few other people I connect with seem so far aways, living in other states, or across the sea. I need to go out and actually meet people who have similar interests but that would involve me being social which is one of those skills that I don't have. I'm good in small groups but clubs? Parties? Yeah that's not me, not my scene if you will.
I mean look at me, I like movies like BRICK, The Science of Sleep, and Farewell My Concubine. I read books like, Love is a mix tape, Metamorphosis, Notes from the Underground. My magazines of choice are ISR, Juxtapoz, Nylon for guys, Bitch and Ms. Not the typical you know. I don't know, I'm just suffering from feeling completely out of place right now.