Discouraged
So aside from the sickness...which isn't really gone completely (I've been out of the hospital 10 days now, and had to see the doctor today for emergency UA and blood work...) I got more upset yesterday than I've been in a really really long time...
So for a while I was super involved with Summerfield church, and became incredibly close to a lot of people there...I discontinued going for a couple reasons, but I can't deny that they did in some way change my life spiritually....One of the people I was closest with during that time was James Wilkerson...I grew to trust him fiercely, admire him, laugh with him, pray with him, talk to him...He was very involved with the youth of the church...the youth pastor in fact, and there were always kids staying with him, hanging around...he taught kung fu, he lead groups and outings and so much...yesterday I learned he's in jail for " inappropriate conduct with a minor" which means molestation. It made me physically ill to hear this...and not to mention, it brought up a lot...opened a lot of old wounds, made scars more apparent...made me feel there's no reason to trust anyone, made me angry at so many things, terrified me, broke my heart for the child/ren in question...I don't really know what to do with these things, what I ended up doing last night was stupid and futile...but I don't know what do...I freaked out, I broke my cell phone, I screamed and wailed and writhed.
not really a purpose to this entry I guess...but it's big news and it gets to me...and it makes me nervous...why does this problem so often surround my spiritual well being?
I need some YAF/AYF, I need some good quaker process, I need worship sharing, I need cuddle puddles, I need connection, I need outlet...and the worst thing is, I'm disconnected from all this after being shunned from my meeting, for being a victim of a similar incident. Rape rather than molestation...but the difference is minutiae.
So for a while I was super involved with Summerfield church, and became incredibly close to a lot of people there...I discontinued going for a couple reasons, but I can't deny that they did in some way change my life spiritually....One of the people I was closest with during that time was James Wilkerson...I grew to trust him fiercely, admire him, laugh with him, pray with him, talk to him...He was very involved with the youth of the church...the youth pastor in fact, and there were always kids staying with him, hanging around...he taught kung fu, he lead groups and outings and so much...yesterday I learned he's in jail for " inappropriate conduct with a minor" which means molestation. It made me physically ill to hear this...and not to mention, it brought up a lot...opened a lot of old wounds, made scars more apparent...made me feel there's no reason to trust anyone, made me angry at so many things, terrified me, broke my heart for the child/ren in question...I don't really know what to do with these things, what I ended up doing last night was stupid and futile...but I don't know what do...I freaked out, I broke my cell phone, I screamed and wailed and writhed.
not really a purpose to this entry I guess...but it's big news and it gets to me...and it makes me nervous...why does this problem so often surround my spiritual well being?
I need some YAF/AYF, I need some good quaker process, I need worship sharing, I need cuddle puddles, I need connection, I need outlet...and the worst thing is, I'm disconnected from all this after being shunned from my meeting, for being a victim of a similar incident. Rape rather than molestation...but the difference is minutiae.