Poker Night With the Guys
Every once in awhile I get together with some of my old guy friends and play some poker or something. Usually it's Jason, Chris, and some random other person we happen to know from Simi High. This time it was a guy named Alex Chang. So we're at Jason's house playing and we finish the game, it's a $5 buy-in, so what the hell. I know I'm usually really stingy, but I've got a lot of savings - just hit $2 k! Woot! Anyways, Jason won in the end.
So after the game we start shootin the shit. Right in the middle of the conversation, though, Alex's phone goes off - it's Jessica. Apparently he still talks to her. God only knows why. I'll get into that comment in a sec. Jessica is an ex-girlfriend of mine. She knows Alex is out with the guys, but she won't go away! Guys, some support here? Ya'll know what I'm talking about, right? So anyway, after he gets her off the phone, the conversation naturally switches to her (because we were all really good friends with her at one point). Like Kasey has said b4, she is now dating the fucking devil, who will remain nameless, Rickie Gabriel.
Prior to tonight, I thought Jessica's list after me went: Alex Chang(yes, the guy we're playin poker with), some Mormon guy, a short period of weirdness with Chris(at which point he snapped into shape and stopped it), then Rickie. After tonight, Jessica's list changed: Alex, cheated on him w/ Mormon guy toward the end, cheated on Mormon guy w/ Chris toward the end(but nothing really happened between them anyways), Dan(another friend of ours), attempt at Chris one last time, Dan x4, Todd(an ex-boyfriend of hers), Rickie. I don't know how I missed out on this, but that's not important.
Well, prior to tonight, I thought Jessica was a virgin. After tonight, that changed, too. It wouldn't bug me except that she gave it up to the worst guy on the whole list: Rickie. I'd heard before that she had had sex with him, a long time ago, but then I heard a conflicting story, so I chose to believe she hadn't - mainly for my sanity. See, when Jessica and I dated, she told me she wanted to wait until she was married. Fuck me for being a respectable guy, because I promised her I would always respect her choice, and I NEVER ONCE EVER pressured her. NOT ONCE. WE DATED FOR OVER A YEAR. Now it's not to say that I didn't want it - I did, but I controlled myself always because I cared about her. I could have gotten it from her if I were like Rickie - manipulative and unethical, but I'm not. I knew, every single time we were together, that I could have taken advantage of her (she's not a very stable person) but I chose not to because I respected her.
Now I find out that that asshole has not only nudged his way back into her life, but taken something that was eternally precious to her. The first time I found out, I knew it was true, but I chose not to acknowledge it. I could at least hold to my other friend's account (who really will remain nameless) and just not think about it. But now I know. I know and I can't trick myself into ignoring it. Rickie had sex with her... and he beat me. That's what I really didn't want to admit, I guess. He got first one of the few things I ever cared about having. Not in a physical way, I mean, well, I wanted it physically, but, well... I don't know. You understand, right? I wanted her. I cared about her. Fuck that, I CARE about her. When we were together I wanted her first time to be with me because I wanted to make sure it was something meaningful for her. And that bugs me. I still care about her. It bugs me that I still care about her. I shouldn't care about her. I haven't talked to her since she started dating Alex. We broke up... damn... 2 years ago as of... 2 days ago. WHY THE FUCK DO I KNOW THE DAY?????????? THAT'S CREEEEEEEEEEEEEPY!!!!!!!!!
Anyways, like it or not, I still care about her on some level, and it bugs me that she's with Rickie. It bugs me that she gives it up to Rickie. It bugs me that she's been corrupted by Rickie (and she has, but for matters of privacy, I won't go into some of the sick shit that I got from the guys). I guess it helps, but it hurts. It helps because I don't have to care anymore. The girl that I cared so much about, the girl who I dated the longest of any other girl in my life, is gone. The Jessica that I cared about was innocent, at least on some level. I know I'll be fine in the morning, but it's bugging me now - real bad. Strange that thing is that thinking about her is making me feel more alone than I've felt for a few months now. It's been 3 years since I first started to care about her, and two thirds of it has been wasted emotion. I'm glad I'll finally be able to put it behind me.
"Have you had enough? I guess not, cause your lips are stuck to his.
Time to say enough is enough, you'd be so better off.
You love him but tough, cause it's not coming back from him - you can't win...
Stop expecting change,
He's just a lost cause that you're waiting on.
Take a look around,
You could have anyone,
So leave undeserving him."
-Saddest Girl Song, Starting Line
So after the game we start shootin the shit. Right in the middle of the conversation, though, Alex's phone goes off - it's Jessica. Apparently he still talks to her. God only knows why. I'll get into that comment in a sec. Jessica is an ex-girlfriend of mine. She knows Alex is out with the guys, but she won't go away! Guys, some support here? Ya'll know what I'm talking about, right? So anyway, after he gets her off the phone, the conversation naturally switches to her (because we were all really good friends with her at one point). Like Kasey has said b4, she is now dating the fucking devil, who will remain nameless, Rickie Gabriel.
Prior to tonight, I thought Jessica's list after me went: Alex Chang(yes, the guy we're playin poker with), some Mormon guy, a short period of weirdness with Chris(at which point he snapped into shape and stopped it), then Rickie. After tonight, Jessica's list changed: Alex, cheated on him w/ Mormon guy toward the end, cheated on Mormon guy w/ Chris toward the end(but nothing really happened between them anyways), Dan(another friend of ours), attempt at Chris one last time, Dan x4, Todd(an ex-boyfriend of hers), Rickie. I don't know how I missed out on this, but that's not important.
Well, prior to tonight, I thought Jessica was a virgin. After tonight, that changed, too. It wouldn't bug me except that she gave it up to the worst guy on the whole list: Rickie. I'd heard before that she had had sex with him, a long time ago, but then I heard a conflicting story, so I chose to believe she hadn't - mainly for my sanity. See, when Jessica and I dated, she told me she wanted to wait until she was married. Fuck me for being a respectable guy, because I promised her I would always respect her choice, and I NEVER ONCE EVER pressured her. NOT ONCE. WE DATED FOR OVER A YEAR. Now it's not to say that I didn't want it - I did, but I controlled myself always because I cared about her. I could have gotten it from her if I were like Rickie - manipulative and unethical, but I'm not. I knew, every single time we were together, that I could have taken advantage of her (she's not a very stable person) but I chose not to because I respected her.
Now I find out that that asshole has not only nudged his way back into her life, but taken something that was eternally precious to her. The first time I found out, I knew it was true, but I chose not to acknowledge it. I could at least hold to my other friend's account (who really will remain nameless) and just not think about it. But now I know. I know and I can't trick myself into ignoring it. Rickie had sex with her... and he beat me. That's what I really didn't want to admit, I guess. He got first one of the few things I ever cared about having. Not in a physical way, I mean, well, I wanted it physically, but, well... I don't know. You understand, right? I wanted her. I cared about her. Fuck that, I CARE about her. When we were together I wanted her first time to be with me because I wanted to make sure it was something meaningful for her. And that bugs me. I still care about her. It bugs me that I still care about her. I shouldn't care about her. I haven't talked to her since she started dating Alex. We broke up... damn... 2 years ago as of... 2 days ago. WHY THE FUCK DO I KNOW THE DAY?????????? THAT'S CREEEEEEEEEEEEEPY!!!!!!!!!
Anyways, like it or not, I still care about her on some level, and it bugs me that she's with Rickie. It bugs me that she gives it up to Rickie. It bugs me that she's been corrupted by Rickie (and she has, but for matters of privacy, I won't go into some of the sick shit that I got from the guys). I guess it helps, but it hurts. It helps because I don't have to care anymore. The girl that I cared so much about, the girl who I dated the longest of any other girl in my life, is gone. The Jessica that I cared about was innocent, at least on some level. I know I'll be fine in the morning, but it's bugging me now - real bad. Strange that thing is that thinking about her is making me feel more alone than I've felt for a few months now. It's been 3 years since I first started to care about her, and two thirds of it has been wasted emotion. I'm glad I'll finally be able to put it behind me.
"Have you had enough? I guess not, cause your lips are stuck to his.
Time to say enough is enough, you'd be so better off.
You love him but tough, cause it's not coming back from him - you can't win...
Stop expecting change,
He's just a lost cause that you're waiting on.
Take a look around,
You could have anyone,
So leave undeserving him."
-Saddest Girl Song, Starting Line