27 Years later....
It’s only been about a semester and half since I last updated...but I guess it’s finally about that time to just let everything out and rattle out anything and everything I need to get out of this crazy little head of mine.
I guess my updating this is sign of serious procrastination and boredom...or maybe it’s because I’m at home for spring break with nothing to do. Which isn’t entirely true because I have plenty to do. Grad school searching, DIS/ Honors thesis hunting, GRE studying…you name it I ‘m sure I have to do it.
Thursday, I’m signed up to take the free practice GRE in St Pete, woo! Which you know is what everyone wants to do over there break from school. I don’t know, the fact that imp taking it is pretty much freaking me out, because it means I am that much closer to December and that means I’m supposed to know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Let face it...I don’t even know what I want to do with tomorrow...and that’s in the immediate future.
It seems like everyone else I know at least has a starting point to go with how they want to work out there so called grown up life. For most of them it’s a significant other...at this point a fiancé...or so close to being a fiancé it isn’t even funny. I won’t say I’m jealous exactly of the fact that everyone is dating someone and I’m not, because that isn’t entirely true...I date just in my own very weird way, and usually it’s nothing serious. Yet I think that’s where part of this problem stems is that I run from anything that could be construed as potentially serious. I seem to only find those that are "safe" in my eyes, which are the most "dangerous" (taken, engaged, married, players, and just utterly unattainable, or the one that I know there is absolutely no hope in having a future with). It’s like I set my self up to get hurt just a little so that I don’t have to deal with the potential pain that comes with seriously letting myself fall for someone. Who knows... maybe imp the one that needs to see a psychologist :P
Sometimes I seriously wonder where the attachment issues I have came from, because really...I don’t know...unless I managed to block everything out, which I guess is possible. I don’t know, I just need to find a way to let myself go and work through these issues I guess.
Funny thing, it seems that I am becoming more promiscuous these days in an attempt to break free of everything I was before, but instead of making this attachment issues I have go away they are only making them soooooooo much worse. (Well, I think it might be) I could never have imagined myself this way when I was a senior in high school. I mean imp not that much different, imp just different enough I might not even recognize myself... Or maybe I would, and I would just see that I’m a more grown up version of me? Less sheltered and naive that’s for darn sure. Although I am still a sucker for certain things, and certain people, and that will probably forever be my downfall until I realize how to stop those things from making me feel certain things.
Here is where imp sticking my apology to anyone who is actually reading this, my sober ramblings here, imp sure make just as much sense as if I was actually intoxicated while writing this....
Which brings me to another problem, maybe it’s just me, but it sure seems like everyone enjoys pointing out the fact that I am drinking more than usual. Which I won’t lie, I am, but that’s because my usual habit of drinking consisted of.....pretty much only drinking every now and then. Its not now, I’m 21, I have a light schedule and I have a love for trying new things and going new places. In short, I like going out and having fun. It’s a new experience for me...nerd girl, getting dolled up, going dancing and letting everything go.
Like I said earlier, I have serious issues with letting things go, and I think this could be partially because people have a hard time letting go of certain notions of the way I am supposed to be, I mean I realize our culture and our society leads us to believe that people should act and will act a certain way, I think lately I am just tempted to do it all, Nerd by day, party girl by night. I think until this becomes a problem financially or especially grade wise getting in the way of my future I think everyone should know that Ill be ok, and for the most part I know my limits and when to stop.
Although, all this "letting go" vie been doing could just be a nice euphemism for "escape" so that way I can justify why I’m not doing really needs to be done.
I don’t know...I thought I was done with this experimental phase...I thought I had some idea of what I wanted in life, but then again, if I think about, after that phase I just wanted to be back in one piece...well now imp pretty much back in one piece but left with no clue of what I want out of life!
At this point, imp just talking in circles, and haven’t really come to any conclusions....well other than the fact that I need to get out of my house.
I love my family, but for some reason I’m seriously stir crazy today. I mean I kind of know why, but that’s because I want to see someone who I know will screw with the way I feel, and then I will be left here at square one, rambling. It pretty much is killing me not to pick up my phone. I’m not that girl who calls and calls, but when I get home with nothing to do and nowhere to go, it is almost like I morph into that clingy girl who calls and calls and seriously always wants attention. And let me reiterate that I’m not that clingy girl....frankly; I like my space and don’t do well with clingy people.
There’s the kicker...here I am seeking attention...yet always pushing it away...go figure. Takes us right back up to the point of me constantly getting involved with the wrong guys.
PS. Word count for this entry is at 1,107, and no one believes me when I tell them that I seriously think I have adult ADD some days… because seriously who randomly does a word count when they lose focus on what they want to write about.
Oh oh, the phone just rang I knew if I waited long enough it would ring and that person would be the one who called. Oh well…we aren’t hanging out… Heathers right…he takes and I give, but I can’t help it. That’s the person I am. I know she just doesn’t want to have to live with cranky me, and trust me I wouldn’t want to have to live with cranky me ever again either if I was her...I was seriously unpleasant for a large chunk of the last year. Which is why I thought when I got back to being a real live breathing human again, that id pretty much know exactly where I wanted my life to go, I guess I didn’t factor that just being “better” wouldn’t fix everything. Here I go again with that talking in circles things…..
It’s amazing how much certain things affect the way your life goes….seriously. Not mention how these things always seem to find a way to walk back into your life when you least expect them
I know I should be stronger and stand up for what I know would be best for me but there is seriously this part of me that feels like the people that hurt me are hurting more than I am therefore they need my attention. I don’t know. I mean it makes sense in my head, but when I see my logic here on paper it seems just ridiculous. I mean why let someone else hurt you, and still want to help them, especially when they probably don’t realize that they are hurting you. Whatever…maybe one day I’ll get over this issue too.
Well…I just lost all my typing momentum, who knows maybe one day ill continue this saga.
I guess my updating this is sign of serious procrastination and boredom...or maybe it’s because I’m at home for spring break with nothing to do. Which isn’t entirely true because I have plenty to do. Grad school searching, DIS/ Honors thesis hunting, GRE studying…you name it I ‘m sure I have to do it.
Thursday, I’m signed up to take the free practice GRE in St Pete, woo! Which you know is what everyone wants to do over there break from school. I don’t know, the fact that imp taking it is pretty much freaking me out, because it means I am that much closer to December and that means I’m supposed to know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Let face it...I don’t even know what I want to do with tomorrow...and that’s in the immediate future.
It seems like everyone else I know at least has a starting point to go with how they want to work out there so called grown up life. For most of them it’s a significant other...at this point a fiancé...or so close to being a fiancé it isn’t even funny. I won’t say I’m jealous exactly of the fact that everyone is dating someone and I’m not, because that isn’t entirely true...I date just in my own very weird way, and usually it’s nothing serious. Yet I think that’s where part of this problem stems is that I run from anything that could be construed as potentially serious. I seem to only find those that are "safe" in my eyes, which are the most "dangerous" (taken, engaged, married, players, and just utterly unattainable, or the one that I know there is absolutely no hope in having a future with). It’s like I set my self up to get hurt just a little so that I don’t have to deal with the potential pain that comes with seriously letting myself fall for someone. Who knows... maybe imp the one that needs to see a psychologist :P
Sometimes I seriously wonder where the attachment issues I have came from, because really...I don’t know...unless I managed to block everything out, which I guess is possible. I don’t know, I just need to find a way to let myself go and work through these issues I guess.
Funny thing, it seems that I am becoming more promiscuous these days in an attempt to break free of everything I was before, but instead of making this attachment issues I have go away they are only making them soooooooo much worse. (Well, I think it might be) I could never have imagined myself this way when I was a senior in high school. I mean imp not that much different, imp just different enough I might not even recognize myself... Or maybe I would, and I would just see that I’m a more grown up version of me? Less sheltered and naive that’s for darn sure. Although I am still a sucker for certain things, and certain people, and that will probably forever be my downfall until I realize how to stop those things from making me feel certain things.
Here is where imp sticking my apology to anyone who is actually reading this, my sober ramblings here, imp sure make just as much sense as if I was actually intoxicated while writing this....
Which brings me to another problem, maybe it’s just me, but it sure seems like everyone enjoys pointing out the fact that I am drinking more than usual. Which I won’t lie, I am, but that’s because my usual habit of drinking consisted of.....pretty much only drinking every now and then. Its not now, I’m 21, I have a light schedule and I have a love for trying new things and going new places. In short, I like going out and having fun. It’s a new experience for me...nerd girl, getting dolled up, going dancing and letting everything go.
Like I said earlier, I have serious issues with letting things go, and I think this could be partially because people have a hard time letting go of certain notions of the way I am supposed to be, I mean I realize our culture and our society leads us to believe that people should act and will act a certain way, I think lately I am just tempted to do it all, Nerd by day, party girl by night. I think until this becomes a problem financially or especially grade wise getting in the way of my future I think everyone should know that Ill be ok, and for the most part I know my limits and when to stop.
Although, all this "letting go" vie been doing could just be a nice euphemism for "escape" so that way I can justify why I’m not doing really needs to be done.
I don’t know...I thought I was done with this experimental phase...I thought I had some idea of what I wanted in life, but then again, if I think about, after that phase I just wanted to be back in one piece...well now imp pretty much back in one piece but left with no clue of what I want out of life!
At this point, imp just talking in circles, and haven’t really come to any conclusions....well other than the fact that I need to get out of my house.
I love my family, but for some reason I’m seriously stir crazy today. I mean I kind of know why, but that’s because I want to see someone who I know will screw with the way I feel, and then I will be left here at square one, rambling. It pretty much is killing me not to pick up my phone. I’m not that girl who calls and calls, but when I get home with nothing to do and nowhere to go, it is almost like I morph into that clingy girl who calls and calls and seriously always wants attention. And let me reiterate that I’m not that clingy girl....frankly; I like my space and don’t do well with clingy people.
There’s the kicker...here I am seeking attention...yet always pushing it away...go figure. Takes us right back up to the point of me constantly getting involved with the wrong guys.
PS. Word count for this entry is at 1,107, and no one believes me when I tell them that I seriously think I have adult ADD some days… because seriously who randomly does a word count when they lose focus on what they want to write about.
Oh oh, the phone just rang I knew if I waited long enough it would ring and that person would be the one who called. Oh well…we aren’t hanging out… Heathers right…he takes and I give, but I can’t help it. That’s the person I am. I know she just doesn’t want to have to live with cranky me, and trust me I wouldn’t want to have to live with cranky me ever again either if I was her...I was seriously unpleasant for a large chunk of the last year. Which is why I thought when I got back to being a real live breathing human again, that id pretty much know exactly where I wanted my life to go, I guess I didn’t factor that just being “better” wouldn’t fix everything. Here I go again with that talking in circles things…..
It’s amazing how much certain things affect the way your life goes….seriously. Not mention how these things always seem to find a way to walk back into your life when you least expect them
I know I should be stronger and stand up for what I know would be best for me but there is seriously this part of me that feels like the people that hurt me are hurting more than I am therefore they need my attention. I don’t know. I mean it makes sense in my head, but when I see my logic here on paper it seems just ridiculous. I mean why let someone else hurt you, and still want to help them, especially when they probably don’t realize that they are hurting you. Whatever…maybe one day I’ll get over this issue too.
Well…I just lost all my typing momentum, who knows maybe one day ill continue this saga.