Like Passing Notes in Secrecy 3/13
Title: Like Passing Notes in Secrecy
Chapter: 3/13
Rating: R
Character: Puck/Rachel
Summary: He's never really missed a girl before. He never cared enough, really, to miss anyone.
Word Count: 5,881
Disclaimer: Don't own.
She's in the library one day, looking for a particularly hard to find piece of music, when a guy she's seen around a few times smiles at her from over top of his Jon Stewart book. She smiles back but doesn't put much stock into it, because she's got actual work to do and he's reading political satire, so she thinks their priorities are different, at least at the moment. She doesn't have time to flirt with attractive boys across quiet rooms. She's got a performance to prepare for, and she's stressing out because if she doesn't find this music she's going to have to go to her second song choice, and even though it's fantastic, she knows the first choice is a show-stopper.
He's staring at her, though, and she tries not to notice, but it's difficult to ignore it when someone that attractive is watching you. He's got this sandy blonde hair that's messy and a little swept to the side, and blue eyes and a little grin and, god, those dimples. Okay, she's intrigued.
"Can I help you with something?" she asks. "You've been watching me. Do I have something on my face?"
He sits back in his chair and smiles at her. "No. I just wondered how long it was going to take you to come over here."
If she's blushing she doesn't care.
He tells her (doesn't ask) he's buying her a cup of coffee, and she wishes she could say she's not interested but she thinks it'd be a lie.
His name is Reid and he's a senior majoring in music at Juilliard. He's a trumpet player and he's impressed by her and says she's beautiful.
She tells him about the music she's looking for and he tells her he has it. She's always believed in fate, but this is something else.
(She thinks about Noah only once, and just in passing. She hasn't heard from him in nearly a month and she won't put her life on hold for something that isn't really anything to begin with.)
... ... ...
He meets Riley after Santana calls him and tells him Rachel's dating some fucking tuba player or something.
He's pretty sure Santana's onto him, then, the thing he has with Rachel, whatever it is, but he's too busy being pissed off to do anything about it.
It's pretty fucked up, because it's not like he's celibate when Rachel's not around. He doesn't know why he expects her to be, and that isn't really fair. It's just that the idea of her sleeping with someone else, kissing someone else or something else touching her drives him to within an inch of picking a random fight just for someone to hit. She's never been his and he has no claim to her whatsoever, but they have something together, even if it's just a friendship and a line they shouldn't have crossed.
They haven't spoken in a while, though, and he doesn't exactly believe she's locked herself in her apartment and counting the days until she sees him again. Fuck, it'd be messed up if she was.
He just doesn't like to share. He never has and he probably never will, and none of that is a surprise to anyone.
Riley's super hot. She's a cheerleader for a rival school about an hour away, but she's, like, not your typical cheerleader. She does it because she's got a scholarship and she needs to keep it because she's pre-med and she needs to save all the money she can. She's funny as hell and doesn't take his bullshit, and the first time she sleeps at his place she tells him that if he tries anything she'll cut his hand off.
They end up fucking anyway 'cause she can't resist him, but whatever.
He starts dating her because he really does like her and she's awesome.
Holiday break is coming up and it's not like he's going to have any willing partners waiting for him in Lima again this year, so he thinks the timing on this relationship is pretty good.
... ... ...
The first time Rachel sees him on holiday break, she's sitting on his sofa drinking tea with his mother.
Strange? Not really. She truly did just come over to talk with Mrs. Puckerman. They ran into one another at the grocery store and Aviva insisted Rachel come over. Noah had nothing to do with it.
But then he walks in covered in snow and stops shaking out his jacket when he sees her sitting there on the couch.
"Hey," he says. She smiles and tucks her hair behind her ear and it's ridiculous that she's nervous. She's got a boyfriend, for crying out loud. She doesn't want to be affected by Noah like this.
"Rachel's just telling me all about the new man in her life," Aviva says. Rachel blushes and tries to decide if there's any bitterness to the tone his mother used. "He sounds lovely."
Noah scoffs. "Good for him." He passes the couch and heads for the stairs. "Gonna go call Riley."
Riley is a unisex name but the way he looks at her over his shoulder tells her it's not just a friend he's calling, and he said that just to hurt her, even if she shouldn't be hurting.
"Never mind him," Aviva says, placing her hand on Rachel's knee. "He's been like this since he came home."
That doesn't stop Rachel's heart from twisting in her chest, and it doesn't mean it doesn't sting when he comes downstairs with the phone held to his ear and she hears him call someone else 'baby' as he walks into the kitchen.
She wonders if they'll always feel like this about one another, whatever this is.
... ... ...
His plan to ignore her all break is shot to hell when she shows up to Finn and Kurt's party dressed in this hot little black dress and gold shoes with her hair tumbling down her back and her eyes all smokey.
He's in serious trouble, 'cause he's half hard for her already and he's got a fucking girlfriend, but he still wants to bang Rachel. This is a problem. He ignores it, ignores her and heads to the kitchen to refill his glass of whiskey.
He watches her all night, when he's not texting back and forth with Riley. He sees Rachel looking at her phone once and smiling like there's some sort of secret there, and it's not fucking fair, how badly he wants in on it.
This night is going to mean a whole lot of trouble. He's never been able to resist temptation, especially when temptation is a girl with legs up to here and perfect cleavage and a smile he wants to do dirty things to.
Fuck.
He knows he's had too much to drink, and she's had a few glasses of champagne, so it seems like a really good idea to walk up behind her in the living room (he doesn't give a damn who is around to witness this) and curve his hand around her hip to pull her back to him. And he figures he might as well cut right to the chase, because this isn't really the first time and he shouldn't have to work for it.
"I wanna fuck you so bad right now."
She tenses and elbows him gently in the side, but he doesn't move. No way is he gonna move.
"I have a boyfriend," she tells him. "And you have a girlfriend, I guess."
He just went from horny to pissed off in, like, a third of a second.
"Yeah, because you have a fucking boyfriend," he says harshly in her ear. She pushes him away and turns around, locks eyes with him and then quickly makes sure no one is watching them.
"That's not fair," she says, shaking her head. "That's not fair to her."
"You don't even know her." This whole thing is fucked, but he doesn't want her talking about Riley. At all.
"I know you're willing to cheat on her." She glances over up at him and he presses himself closer when he sees that no one else is paying attention.
He grins and makes sure she can feel how much this whole thing is turning him on, even if it shouldn't be. "You haven't said no."
He feels her take a deep breath. "You haven't asked me anything."
"What if I do?"
She drains her glass. He gets a whiff of her shampoo, then her perfume, and fuck, he doesn't even care about anything but getting inside her right now. When she turns around she looks nervous but still totally sexy. It's like she knows she's about to make a bad choice but she doesn't give a fuck because she's making it with him.
"Try, and find out," she says, eyes locked with his.
If anyone notices they leave the party together, no one says anything.
He takes her to her place and yeah, what's under the dress is still way hotter than the whole look she was rocking earlier.
"This is so bad," she says quietly as he moves slowly above her. (She loves it slow and it makes her fucking crazy at the same time. It's hot as hell.)
He kneads her thigh as she bends her knee, and pushes deeper. "'S'good to me." She moans and rolls her hips and he presses his forehead against hers. "So good, baby."
He watches her eyes flutter closed and feels her shudder under him. She's always loved it when he's called her that.
He leaves after, so her dads won't know she just cheated on her boyfriend with a guy she never legitimately dated.
He's got three missed calls from Riley when he bothers to check his phone. He doesn't even feel guilty, which is probably really fucked up.
... ... ...
She leaves for New York nearly a week early without saying goodbye to anyone but her fathers. She's got shame on her skin and hates him for doing this to her, making her into this girl. He shouldn't have done that and she shouldn't have let him. She thinks that if he respected her at all, he would have kept his distance, or at least stuck to small talk like everyone else did with her.
Reid brings Chinese over when she calls him and tells him she's back in New York. She tells him she's too tired from travel to be with him. He seems a little annoyed with her saying no, but she changes the subject quickly and tells him about the people she spent time with on her break. She just doesn't tell him she was with anyone else.
That part, she doesn't tell him until the second week of January, when she hears that Noah and his girlfriend are making plans to visit Finn and Brittany for March Break.
Reid is understandably not happy, tells her he thought he knew her better than that and he can't believe she'd do that.
To be honest, she can't believe it either.
He tells her to leave his apartment, says it harshly and curls his hand around the edge of the table, and she can't even really fathom how he's feeling and knows it's not her place to ask, so she grabs her purse and leaves without another word, mostly because 'goodbye' seems really lame or really poetic, and she doesn't want to be either.
She shouldn't have told him. She should have just kept it to herself. They were so happy together and he was so good to her, and she hates Noah for having a hand in breaking them up. No, that's not really fair, since she was a willing party and she had the chance to say no and didn't take it.
It's also not fair to be alone just because she can't be with him. (Or because she can't not be with him.)
... ... ...
He doesn't say shit to Riley about Rachel because there's no need to ruin a good thing just because he had a one night stand (he's trying to convince himself that's all it was) with a girl he kind of knows.
He's such a fucking liar. It's not right and he feels like a bastard, but he likes Riley enough not to want to lose her. He knows for a fact she'd be out the door really fucking fast if she knew he'd fucked around on her. She doesn't know anything about Rachel. Shit, it took him a month to tell her about Quinn and the baby. She doesn't need to know about this fucked up thing he has with Rachel, whatever it is.
Anyway, he wouldn't have fucked her that night if she hadn't been wearing that painted on dress and eyeing him across the room. It's totally her fault.
Not at all. Fuck it, though. He's gotten good at blaming her for shit.
By the time March Break comes around and he takes Riley home to meet his mom and then to Finn and Brittany's, things are really, really good between them. They're comfortable together and she puts him in his place when he needs it. She's awesome with his mom and sister, too. She says all the right things and smiles and helps in the kitchen and talks to Hannah about wanting to be a doctor.
So he's pretty fucking confused as to why his mom isn't, like, freaking out and buying wedding magazines or something. He knows, though, that it's not because he's not getting married any time soon.
She mentions "Rachel's fathers" in conversation and he gives her a look. Riley doesn't even flinch and his mom shakes her head at him because she knows he hasn't divulged info about that relationship.
But shit. What the hell would he even say?
... ... ...
Rachel's got a new summer job at a different restaurant with more flexible hours so she can perform in the show she auditioned for and got a small supporting role in. It's basically a chorus part (she has a half a line before she gets interrupted by the female lead) and it pays practically nothing, but it's her first role in New York City and she's taking it seriously.
Her fathers are upset that she's staying in the city for the summer again, but she has no reason to go back to Lima. She doesn't want to and she makes stupid choices when she's there. Noah, she's decided, brings out a terrible side to her, a side that cheats, and she doesn't want to do that anymore.
Not since Reid forgave her.
She didn't ask him to, didn't tell him she needed him (she doesn't) or wanted him back. He just came to her one night after they'd been apart nearly four months and told her he missed her and overreacted and said he'd like to try again. He asked if she'd be interested and they vowed to take it slow this time (they moved too quickly last time and both admitted it). Now she's got a drawer full of things at his place, and sleeps in his Juilliard tee shirts and he usually walks her home from work or rehearsals, because he's just teaching private music lessons for the summer and playing in a jazz trio he's been in forever.
It's kind of perfect. They spend their evenings drinking wine and listening to Davis and Coltrane and Parker and Holiday. They talk about music and he doesn't speak to her condescendingly when he needs to explain something to her that she doesn't know. Admittedly, jazz has never been her forte.
But for an audition she goes on, he suggests a Sarah Vaughan song and helps her with her phrasing and she gets two call backs before the director tells her she's perfect, just a little too young. For Off-Off-Broadway before she's even graduated school, that's about as good as a yes.
She takes the stage one night with Reid and they sing Let's Call The Whole Thing Off and the crowd laughs and claps and she hugs him after because he's decidedly not a singer, but it's fun.
This is an adult relationship, and she likes it.
He tells her he loves her when they're in bed on the hottest night of the summer. She's wearing a tank top and panties and he's in his boxers and they aren't touching because they just can't bear to. He just blurts it out after the lights are off and she kisses his cheek and says the words because she's starting to think they're true and she refuses to lose another man as a result of not saying them back.
It's Matt she thinks of in that moment, not Noah, and she doesn't even realize that until the next morning, when Reid has left her in his bed with a note and a key on the table saying he'll see her after his lesson.
... ... ...
He's a fuck up. It's not a secret that he doesn't know how to do much right. That's a little self-deprecating and not totally true, but when it comes to women, he's good at fucking, making them get in over their heads (whether he wants them to or not) and not much else.
Keeping a girl, he totally hasn't mastered yet. Probably because he hasn't had a lot of practice and hasn't really wanted to, save for a couple times.
He and Riley have been fighting too much. It's not like it's his fault, really, they just get at one another for everyfuckingthing and he's getting tired of it. She gets pissed one night and starts crying, and when she runs to his bedroom, he gives her three minutes before he goes in and tries to talk to her. She's laying face down on the bed with her head on her arms as she cries.
"Jesus. You're worse than Rachel."
He doesn't even think before he says it, and she turns over, glares at him, and asks who the fuck Rachel is.
So yeah, that fight? That's the last one they have.
... ... ...
Rachel is quite literally straddling her boyfriend and taking off her shirt one night when her cell phone rings on the bedside table. Normally she'd ignore it, but it's an offensive rap song she most definitely didn't set as her ringer. (He set it as the ringtone for himself back during that first summer and she never changed it.)
Reid is not happy that she answers.
"Hello?"
"Rach."
Oh, god. He's drunk. He's drunk and calling her after she split almost a year ago. They haven't spoken since and this is the first time, and her boyfriend is beneath her and wondering who the hell she's talking to.
"Hi," she says quietly. Reid slides his hand up her thigh, but she pushes it away and moves off him. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Nothing's wrong. Just thinkin' 'bout you," Noah says.
"What are you doing? Where are you?" she asks, panicking because she hates it when people drink too much, and there's nothing she can do right now other than ask him questions and make sure he's home safe.
"Home. Bed," he says. "Home in bed thinking about you."
Oh, god. Reid kisses the back of her shoulder and she shrugs him off. She really hates that he does that, tries to kiss her and distract her when she's on the phone. He does it when she talks to her fathers, too, and it annoys her more than it should. His fingers dig into her hip enough that it hurts, and she glares at him over her shoulder and gets up, crosses the room and stands by the window.
"That's...Why?"
"Riley fuckin' left. She's kind of a bitch."
As much as it hurts her to know his longest relationship wasn't with her (it's irrational, she knows) she's happy that girl is out of his life now.
"I'm sorry to hear that," she says, knowing he won't pick up on just how much she doesn't mean it.
"Who is it?" Reid asks from the bed, where he's now sitting right at the edge with his hands in fists on his thighs.
"Who the fuck?" Noah shouts. She pulls the phone from her ear. "Don't even...You've got another boyfriend?"
"The same boyfriend," she says, turning her back on Reid so she can look out the window. "Noah, Why are you calling?"
She hears a scoff behind her and realizes her mistake. She shouldn't have said the name. She shouldn't have answered the phone at all, but she really shouldn't have said the name. Reid gets up and walks up to her, and she turns around just in time for him to grab the wrist of her free arm. He goes for the phone, but she turns her body so he can't take it. It makes her wrist twist in his tight hold, which hurts enough to make her whimper.
"Rachel," Reid says darkly.
"Rach."
"Stop!" she shouts, and she doesn't know who she's talking to. Reid is right in front of her now, looking down at her, and she can hear Noah breathing through the line.
"Baby, if he fuckin' touches you, I'll kill him," Noah says, and she actually believes him.
The very scary thing is that the way Reid is looking at her and has her wrist in his grip is making her really, really uncomfortable. He's a very laid back guy and he looks angrier than she's ever seen him. She doesn't think she's ever been afraid of a boyfriend before, but fear is definitely what she's feeling. She doesn't want to back down, because she won't let herself be bossed around by a man, but she can see how easy it would be to let oneself be controlled.
And this all goes through her head in a matter of seconds.
"Hang up the phone," he says to her.
"Rachel," Noah says.
"No," she answers, eyes locked with Reid's. She won't be bullied. She knows he's obviously much bigger than her and he could take charge here and...Well, it could be very bad. "Let go of me."
"Rachel," Noah repeats, more urgently.
"It's fine," she insists, bringing the phone closer to her mouth. "He's just leaving."
She's picking the man she hasn't spoken to in nearly a year over the one who's been amazing to her nearly as long (cumulatively). All she needed was one display of how Reid can act and she doesn't want to be with him anymore, even if her heart is screaming at her not to make a snap judgment. Noah is still on the phone, waiting, she knows, for some kind of resolution to this situation. She watches Reid back away from her and shake his head.
"You're...This is over," he says to her. "I thought you were done with him." She doesn't know what to say, so she just stays where she is and watches helplessly as he heads for her bedroom door. "I should have known you're still the same slut who fucked him in the first place."
She gasps and tears fill her eyes. No one's ever called her that, not really, and it hurts more than she thinks it should, more than she's going to admit. The front door slams and she realizes he's still got a key, so she rushes through the apartment and slides the chain across, then the deadbolt and the fifth lock at the top of the door she needs a chair to reach.
"Rach?"
"Hi," she says quickly, wiping her eyes. "I'm here."
"Fuck. You okay?" he asks. He sounds a million times more sober now than he did before.
"Yes. I'm..." She can't believe she's going to say this; "Thank you."
If Noah hadn't called, she wouldn't have seen that side of Reid, and the relationship wouldn't have ended, and who knows what would have happened next time Reid got angry? It's ridiculous that this all happened, and she's having a hard time comprehending it or calming down at all.
"Don't go," she pleads, laying down on her bed again. "Don't hang up yet."
She's sure he just called to bitch at her for somehow having a hand in her breakup. He ends up staying on the phone with her all night, talking about nothing and sometimes not talking at all, because she's a little rattled and she doesn't want to be alone.
Right now, he's all she has.
... ... ...
He calls her every couple weeks until holiday break, mostly because he's actually fucking scared that this Reid asshole is going to touch her again.
She told him about her wrist and the bruises that were there and he saw red and almost got on a plane to New York City to kick some ass. No one touches a woman that way and gets away with it. No one. It's not okay and he likes to check up on her and make sure she's not doing something stupid like getting back with the asshole.
So when she's crying one day when he calls? Yeah, his heart dies or something. It's fucked.
"What?"
"My dads are going to Paris for the holidays," she manages.
And if her dad's are going...
"So you're going, too?" he asks.
He doesn't want to be pissed about it, it's just that at some point they're going to have to at least try to see if whatever the hell this is could be more.
... ... ...
When she gets back from Paris (and it was fabulous, even if she didn't necessarily want to go at first) she calls Noah and they talk about their breaks. He's still in Lima for another few days and she's in New York to ring in the new year, even if she's going to do it alone from her couch with a mini bottle of champagne and her pajamas on. He makes fun of her, but when she asks him if he just maybe wishes he could do the same thing, he says, "Yeah, whatever," all quietly and she knows he'd like to be sitting on that couch with her.
The more she thinks about it, the more she realizes they have to sort out whatever it is they are. They've never really been friends, and she thinks if they have any hope in hell of being anything at all, they need to at least attempt that first. Yes, that's what they've been doing for the last two months, but she knows why. They both thought they could keep up the friendly thing until they were in the same place at the same time and then they could do what they seemed to always do.
They could sleep together and act like some kind of secret couple without admitting they were a couple at all.
Her holiday plans obviously changed all that, but she doesn't want them to stop this, the regular contact and the friendship thing. It's ridiculous for her to ask him to not be with anyone else, and she's not going to do that. She doesn't want him to do that to her, either.
She calls him one night and it's late, and even though he tells her he's up, she knows he's in bed and half asleep.
"Hey," she says after they've covered the basics, like how his flight back to Montana was and how he's doing, etc.
"Hmm."
"Will you be my friend?" He gives a sleepy laugh in response. "I'm serious."
"What am I now?" he asks, genuinely confused.
"I'm not even sure. I want you to be my friend," she says firmly, and she hears him grunt his acquiescence. "Just friends."
"Oh," he says slowly. "You mean, like...no sex friends?"
She giggles and nods her head even if he can't see her. "Yes. That kind."
"But..." He's practically pouting and definitely caught off guard. "But we're good as sex friends."
"We haven't had sex in over a year, and the last time shouldn't have happened."
"Whatever," he mumbles. "Why you gotta change everything on me?"
She laughs a little. "I'm not changing it. I just think that...I've never had a lot of friends, Noah, and I feel you should be mine."
(She likes the way that sounds, though, him being hers.)
The line is quiet for too long and she starts doubting how good an idea this whole thing is. Maybe they work because they never talk about what they are or what they're going to do. Maybe the only reason he's been talking to her over these last couple months is because he wants her to be willing and waiting for him in Lima during March Break.
"Fine," he says after a moment. "I'll be your stupid friend."
"You could try to sound a little enthusiastic about it," she giggles.
"'I don't do enthusiastic this late."
"Why did you answer, then?" she asks, pulling the covers up over herself a little more. She feels like she's smiling too big, but there's no one there to see it, so she doesn't stop.
"'Cause 's'you."
They hang up shortly after that and she falls asleep easier than she has since returning from Paris.
... ... ...
So, he's 'friends' with Rachel Berry, and 15 year old him probably wants to kick his ass, but 15 year old him was also a huge fucking douchebag, so 21 year old him doesn't really give a fuck what 15 year old him has to say about shit.
Whatever. It's cool, 'cause if there's anything he knows about Rachel, it's that if she's on your side, she's got your back until you hurt her. If you don't hurt her, she'll be loyal to you forever, and to be honest, he hasn't had anyone like that. Ever. Other than his mom and sister who love him unconditionally (or whatever), there's never been anyone in his corner no matter what. Finn, sort of, but they were never the same and Puck can't really say he blames Finn for pulling away and not trusting quite so quickly after all that Quinn stuff. (Again, young him was a fucking 'tard.)
So yeah, that whole logic is basically what makes him, like, promise himself he's not going to fuck up this friendship with Rachel.
The other thing he's not fucking? Rachel.
Which, okay, he gets. It's not even that big a deal, since they see one another, like, once a year or whatever, but her closing the door on that is pretty fucking serious. It's not even like she's just all, "Oh, I think we should..." She basically told him that they were going to be friends and he was supposed to keep his dick to himself.
So he's not going to be fucking Rachel. Shame, really, since they're so good together.
It's cool, though, that things are so good between them, because he gets to call her whenever he wants to and they talk pretty candidly about things. He didn't tell her, of course, about the girl he met last week and brought back to his place. That's just not vital information to share with her. But he talks to her about school and stuff, and how his mom's doing.
Something he never knew about Rachel? Girl's got a lot of shit going on in her head. She's got a million insecurities that aren't even rational, because she's incredible, and she worries about everyfuckingthing and it's totally ridiculous. He actually has to, like, talk her down off the ledge when one of the lions goes missing from some zoo in New Jersey, 'cause she's legit crying to him on the phone, worried someone is going to shoot the thing or treat it badly.
It's a fucking lion, and she's worried about it, not the people it'll maim.
And like right now, he's just laying on his living room floor because it feels good for his back and he likes to lay like this when he has a lot of reading to do, and she's talking to him about her finals and how worried she is that she's going to fail.
"Hold up," he says, totally interrupting her after that stupid statement. "You've never fucking failed anything ever. Why would you fail now?"
"It's hard!"
"You're stupid. You're, like, the smartest person I know."
She laughs into the phone and he smiles. "That doesn't make sense."
"Whatever. You'll be fine if you stop freaking the fuck out and study instead," he tells her seriously. "If you talk to me about failing anything ever again, I'm gonna come up there and deal with you myself."
That sounds way hotter than he means it to.
And that's not allowed. Apparently.
...Chapter 4...
Chapter: 3/13
Rating: R
Character: Puck/Rachel
Summary: He's never really missed a girl before. He never cared enough, really, to miss anyone.
Word Count: 5,881
Disclaimer: Don't own.
She's in the library one day, looking for a particularly hard to find piece of music, when a guy she's seen around a few times smiles at her from over top of his Jon Stewart book. She smiles back but doesn't put much stock into it, because she's got actual work to do and he's reading political satire, so she thinks their priorities are different, at least at the moment. She doesn't have time to flirt with attractive boys across quiet rooms. She's got a performance to prepare for, and she's stressing out because if she doesn't find this music she's going to have to go to her second song choice, and even though it's fantastic, she knows the first choice is a show-stopper.
He's staring at her, though, and she tries not to notice, but it's difficult to ignore it when someone that attractive is watching you. He's got this sandy blonde hair that's messy and a little swept to the side, and blue eyes and a little grin and, god, those dimples. Okay, she's intrigued.
"Can I help you with something?" she asks. "You've been watching me. Do I have something on my face?"
He sits back in his chair and smiles at her. "No. I just wondered how long it was going to take you to come over here."
If she's blushing she doesn't care.
He tells her (doesn't ask) he's buying her a cup of coffee, and she wishes she could say she's not interested but she thinks it'd be a lie.
His name is Reid and he's a senior majoring in music at Juilliard. He's a trumpet player and he's impressed by her and says she's beautiful.
She tells him about the music she's looking for and he tells her he has it. She's always believed in fate, but this is something else.
(She thinks about Noah only once, and just in passing. She hasn't heard from him in nearly a month and she won't put her life on hold for something that isn't really anything to begin with.)
... ... ...
He meets Riley after Santana calls him and tells him Rachel's dating some fucking tuba player or something.
He's pretty sure Santana's onto him, then, the thing he has with Rachel, whatever it is, but he's too busy being pissed off to do anything about it.
It's pretty fucked up, because it's not like he's celibate when Rachel's not around. He doesn't know why he expects her to be, and that isn't really fair. It's just that the idea of her sleeping with someone else, kissing someone else or something else touching her drives him to within an inch of picking a random fight just for someone to hit. She's never been his and he has no claim to her whatsoever, but they have something together, even if it's just a friendship and a line they shouldn't have crossed.
They haven't spoken in a while, though, and he doesn't exactly believe she's locked herself in her apartment and counting the days until she sees him again. Fuck, it'd be messed up if she was.
He just doesn't like to share. He never has and he probably never will, and none of that is a surprise to anyone.
Riley's super hot. She's a cheerleader for a rival school about an hour away, but she's, like, not your typical cheerleader. She does it because she's got a scholarship and she needs to keep it because she's pre-med and she needs to save all the money she can. She's funny as hell and doesn't take his bullshit, and the first time she sleeps at his place she tells him that if he tries anything she'll cut his hand off.
They end up fucking anyway 'cause she can't resist him, but whatever.
He starts dating her because he really does like her and she's awesome.
Holiday break is coming up and it's not like he's going to have any willing partners waiting for him in Lima again this year, so he thinks the timing on this relationship is pretty good.
... ... ...
The first time Rachel sees him on holiday break, she's sitting on his sofa drinking tea with his mother.
Strange? Not really. She truly did just come over to talk with Mrs. Puckerman. They ran into one another at the grocery store and Aviva insisted Rachel come over. Noah had nothing to do with it.
But then he walks in covered in snow and stops shaking out his jacket when he sees her sitting there on the couch.
"Hey," he says. She smiles and tucks her hair behind her ear and it's ridiculous that she's nervous. She's got a boyfriend, for crying out loud. She doesn't want to be affected by Noah like this.
"Rachel's just telling me all about the new man in her life," Aviva says. Rachel blushes and tries to decide if there's any bitterness to the tone his mother used. "He sounds lovely."
Noah scoffs. "Good for him." He passes the couch and heads for the stairs. "Gonna go call Riley."
Riley is a unisex name but the way he looks at her over his shoulder tells her it's not just a friend he's calling, and he said that just to hurt her, even if she shouldn't be hurting.
"Never mind him," Aviva says, placing her hand on Rachel's knee. "He's been like this since he came home."
That doesn't stop Rachel's heart from twisting in her chest, and it doesn't mean it doesn't sting when he comes downstairs with the phone held to his ear and she hears him call someone else 'baby' as he walks into the kitchen.
She wonders if they'll always feel like this about one another, whatever this is.
... ... ...
His plan to ignore her all break is shot to hell when she shows up to Finn and Kurt's party dressed in this hot little black dress and gold shoes with her hair tumbling down her back and her eyes all smokey.
He's in serious trouble, 'cause he's half hard for her already and he's got a fucking girlfriend, but he still wants to bang Rachel. This is a problem. He ignores it, ignores her and heads to the kitchen to refill his glass of whiskey.
He watches her all night, when he's not texting back and forth with Riley. He sees Rachel looking at her phone once and smiling like there's some sort of secret there, and it's not fucking fair, how badly he wants in on it.
This night is going to mean a whole lot of trouble. He's never been able to resist temptation, especially when temptation is a girl with legs up to here and perfect cleavage and a smile he wants to do dirty things to.
Fuck.
He knows he's had too much to drink, and she's had a few glasses of champagne, so it seems like a really good idea to walk up behind her in the living room (he doesn't give a damn who is around to witness this) and curve his hand around her hip to pull her back to him. And he figures he might as well cut right to the chase, because this isn't really the first time and he shouldn't have to work for it.
"I wanna fuck you so bad right now."
She tenses and elbows him gently in the side, but he doesn't move. No way is he gonna move.
"I have a boyfriend," she tells him. "And you have a girlfriend, I guess."
He just went from horny to pissed off in, like, a third of a second.
"Yeah, because you have a fucking boyfriend," he says harshly in her ear. She pushes him away and turns around, locks eyes with him and then quickly makes sure no one is watching them.
"That's not fair," she says, shaking her head. "That's not fair to her."
"You don't even know her." This whole thing is fucked, but he doesn't want her talking about Riley. At all.
"I know you're willing to cheat on her." She glances over up at him and he presses himself closer when he sees that no one else is paying attention.
He grins and makes sure she can feel how much this whole thing is turning him on, even if it shouldn't be. "You haven't said no."
He feels her take a deep breath. "You haven't asked me anything."
"What if I do?"
She drains her glass. He gets a whiff of her shampoo, then her perfume, and fuck, he doesn't even care about anything but getting inside her right now. When she turns around she looks nervous but still totally sexy. It's like she knows she's about to make a bad choice but she doesn't give a fuck because she's making it with him.
"Try, and find out," she says, eyes locked with his.
If anyone notices they leave the party together, no one says anything.
He takes her to her place and yeah, what's under the dress is still way hotter than the whole look she was rocking earlier.
"This is so bad," she says quietly as he moves slowly above her. (She loves it slow and it makes her fucking crazy at the same time. It's hot as hell.)
He kneads her thigh as she bends her knee, and pushes deeper. "'S'good to me." She moans and rolls her hips and he presses his forehead against hers. "So good, baby."
He watches her eyes flutter closed and feels her shudder under him. She's always loved it when he's called her that.
He leaves after, so her dads won't know she just cheated on her boyfriend with a guy she never legitimately dated.
He's got three missed calls from Riley when he bothers to check his phone. He doesn't even feel guilty, which is probably really fucked up.
... ... ...
She leaves for New York nearly a week early without saying goodbye to anyone but her fathers. She's got shame on her skin and hates him for doing this to her, making her into this girl. He shouldn't have done that and she shouldn't have let him. She thinks that if he respected her at all, he would have kept his distance, or at least stuck to small talk like everyone else did with her.
Reid brings Chinese over when she calls him and tells him she's back in New York. She tells him she's too tired from travel to be with him. He seems a little annoyed with her saying no, but she changes the subject quickly and tells him about the people she spent time with on her break. She just doesn't tell him she was with anyone else.
That part, she doesn't tell him until the second week of January, when she hears that Noah and his girlfriend are making plans to visit Finn and Brittany for March Break.
Reid is understandably not happy, tells her he thought he knew her better than that and he can't believe she'd do that.
To be honest, she can't believe it either.
He tells her to leave his apartment, says it harshly and curls his hand around the edge of the table, and she can't even really fathom how he's feeling and knows it's not her place to ask, so she grabs her purse and leaves without another word, mostly because 'goodbye' seems really lame or really poetic, and she doesn't want to be either.
She shouldn't have told him. She should have just kept it to herself. They were so happy together and he was so good to her, and she hates Noah for having a hand in breaking them up. No, that's not really fair, since she was a willing party and she had the chance to say no and didn't take it.
It's also not fair to be alone just because she can't be with him. (Or because she can't not be with him.)
... ... ...
He doesn't say shit to Riley about Rachel because there's no need to ruin a good thing just because he had a one night stand (he's trying to convince himself that's all it was) with a girl he kind of knows.
He's such a fucking liar. It's not right and he feels like a bastard, but he likes Riley enough not to want to lose her. He knows for a fact she'd be out the door really fucking fast if she knew he'd fucked around on her. She doesn't know anything about Rachel. Shit, it took him a month to tell her about Quinn and the baby. She doesn't need to know about this fucked up thing he has with Rachel, whatever it is.
Anyway, he wouldn't have fucked her that night if she hadn't been wearing that painted on dress and eyeing him across the room. It's totally her fault.
Not at all. Fuck it, though. He's gotten good at blaming her for shit.
By the time March Break comes around and he takes Riley home to meet his mom and then to Finn and Brittany's, things are really, really good between them. They're comfortable together and she puts him in his place when he needs it. She's awesome with his mom and sister, too. She says all the right things and smiles and helps in the kitchen and talks to Hannah about wanting to be a doctor.
So he's pretty fucking confused as to why his mom isn't, like, freaking out and buying wedding magazines or something. He knows, though, that it's not because he's not getting married any time soon.
She mentions "Rachel's fathers" in conversation and he gives her a look. Riley doesn't even flinch and his mom shakes her head at him because she knows he hasn't divulged info about that relationship.
But shit. What the hell would he even say?
... ... ...
Rachel's got a new summer job at a different restaurant with more flexible hours so she can perform in the show she auditioned for and got a small supporting role in. It's basically a chorus part (she has a half a line before she gets interrupted by the female lead) and it pays practically nothing, but it's her first role in New York City and she's taking it seriously.
Her fathers are upset that she's staying in the city for the summer again, but she has no reason to go back to Lima. She doesn't want to and she makes stupid choices when she's there. Noah, she's decided, brings out a terrible side to her, a side that cheats, and she doesn't want to do that anymore.
Not since Reid forgave her.
She didn't ask him to, didn't tell him she needed him (she doesn't) or wanted him back. He just came to her one night after they'd been apart nearly four months and told her he missed her and overreacted and said he'd like to try again. He asked if she'd be interested and they vowed to take it slow this time (they moved too quickly last time and both admitted it). Now she's got a drawer full of things at his place, and sleeps in his Juilliard tee shirts and he usually walks her home from work or rehearsals, because he's just teaching private music lessons for the summer and playing in a jazz trio he's been in forever.
It's kind of perfect. They spend their evenings drinking wine and listening to Davis and Coltrane and Parker and Holiday. They talk about music and he doesn't speak to her condescendingly when he needs to explain something to her that she doesn't know. Admittedly, jazz has never been her forte.
But for an audition she goes on, he suggests a Sarah Vaughan song and helps her with her phrasing and she gets two call backs before the director tells her she's perfect, just a little too young. For Off-Off-Broadway before she's even graduated school, that's about as good as a yes.
She takes the stage one night with Reid and they sing Let's Call The Whole Thing Off and the crowd laughs and claps and she hugs him after because he's decidedly not a singer, but it's fun.
This is an adult relationship, and she likes it.
He tells her he loves her when they're in bed on the hottest night of the summer. She's wearing a tank top and panties and he's in his boxers and they aren't touching because they just can't bear to. He just blurts it out after the lights are off and she kisses his cheek and says the words because she's starting to think they're true and she refuses to lose another man as a result of not saying them back.
It's Matt she thinks of in that moment, not Noah, and she doesn't even realize that until the next morning, when Reid has left her in his bed with a note and a key on the table saying he'll see her after his lesson.
... ... ...
He's a fuck up. It's not a secret that he doesn't know how to do much right. That's a little self-deprecating and not totally true, but when it comes to women, he's good at fucking, making them get in over their heads (whether he wants them to or not) and not much else.
Keeping a girl, he totally hasn't mastered yet. Probably because he hasn't had a lot of practice and hasn't really wanted to, save for a couple times.
He and Riley have been fighting too much. It's not like it's his fault, really, they just get at one another for everyfuckingthing and he's getting tired of it. She gets pissed one night and starts crying, and when she runs to his bedroom, he gives her three minutes before he goes in and tries to talk to her. She's laying face down on the bed with her head on her arms as she cries.
"Jesus. You're worse than Rachel."
He doesn't even think before he says it, and she turns over, glares at him, and asks who the fuck Rachel is.
So yeah, that fight? That's the last one they have.
... ... ...
Rachel is quite literally straddling her boyfriend and taking off her shirt one night when her cell phone rings on the bedside table. Normally she'd ignore it, but it's an offensive rap song she most definitely didn't set as her ringer. (He set it as the ringtone for himself back during that first summer and she never changed it.)
Reid is not happy that she answers.
"Hello?"
"Rach."
Oh, god. He's drunk. He's drunk and calling her after she split almost a year ago. They haven't spoken since and this is the first time, and her boyfriend is beneath her and wondering who the hell she's talking to.
"Hi," she says quietly. Reid slides his hand up her thigh, but she pushes it away and moves off him. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Nothing's wrong. Just thinkin' 'bout you," Noah says.
"What are you doing? Where are you?" she asks, panicking because she hates it when people drink too much, and there's nothing she can do right now other than ask him questions and make sure he's home safe.
"Home. Bed," he says. "Home in bed thinking about you."
Oh, god. Reid kisses the back of her shoulder and she shrugs him off. She really hates that he does that, tries to kiss her and distract her when she's on the phone. He does it when she talks to her fathers, too, and it annoys her more than it should. His fingers dig into her hip enough that it hurts, and she glares at him over her shoulder and gets up, crosses the room and stands by the window.
"That's...Why?"
"Riley fuckin' left. She's kind of a bitch."
As much as it hurts her to know his longest relationship wasn't with her (it's irrational, she knows) she's happy that girl is out of his life now.
"I'm sorry to hear that," she says, knowing he won't pick up on just how much she doesn't mean it.
"Who is it?" Reid asks from the bed, where he's now sitting right at the edge with his hands in fists on his thighs.
"Who the fuck?" Noah shouts. She pulls the phone from her ear. "Don't even...You've got another boyfriend?"
"The same boyfriend," she says, turning her back on Reid so she can look out the window. "Noah, Why are you calling?"
She hears a scoff behind her and realizes her mistake. She shouldn't have said the name. She shouldn't have answered the phone at all, but she really shouldn't have said the name. Reid gets up and walks up to her, and she turns around just in time for him to grab the wrist of her free arm. He goes for the phone, but she turns her body so he can't take it. It makes her wrist twist in his tight hold, which hurts enough to make her whimper.
"Rachel," Reid says darkly.
"Rach."
"Stop!" she shouts, and she doesn't know who she's talking to. Reid is right in front of her now, looking down at her, and she can hear Noah breathing through the line.
"Baby, if he fuckin' touches you, I'll kill him," Noah says, and she actually believes him.
The very scary thing is that the way Reid is looking at her and has her wrist in his grip is making her really, really uncomfortable. He's a very laid back guy and he looks angrier than she's ever seen him. She doesn't think she's ever been afraid of a boyfriend before, but fear is definitely what she's feeling. She doesn't want to back down, because she won't let herself be bossed around by a man, but she can see how easy it would be to let oneself be controlled.
And this all goes through her head in a matter of seconds.
"Hang up the phone," he says to her.
"Rachel," Noah says.
"No," she answers, eyes locked with Reid's. She won't be bullied. She knows he's obviously much bigger than her and he could take charge here and...Well, it could be very bad. "Let go of me."
"Rachel," Noah repeats, more urgently.
"It's fine," she insists, bringing the phone closer to her mouth. "He's just leaving."
She's picking the man she hasn't spoken to in nearly a year over the one who's been amazing to her nearly as long (cumulatively). All she needed was one display of how Reid can act and she doesn't want to be with him anymore, even if her heart is screaming at her not to make a snap judgment. Noah is still on the phone, waiting, she knows, for some kind of resolution to this situation. She watches Reid back away from her and shake his head.
"You're...This is over," he says to her. "I thought you were done with him." She doesn't know what to say, so she just stays where she is and watches helplessly as he heads for her bedroom door. "I should have known you're still the same slut who fucked him in the first place."
She gasps and tears fill her eyes. No one's ever called her that, not really, and it hurts more than she thinks it should, more than she's going to admit. The front door slams and she realizes he's still got a key, so she rushes through the apartment and slides the chain across, then the deadbolt and the fifth lock at the top of the door she needs a chair to reach.
"Rach?"
"Hi," she says quickly, wiping her eyes. "I'm here."
"Fuck. You okay?" he asks. He sounds a million times more sober now than he did before.
"Yes. I'm..." She can't believe she's going to say this; "Thank you."
If Noah hadn't called, she wouldn't have seen that side of Reid, and the relationship wouldn't have ended, and who knows what would have happened next time Reid got angry? It's ridiculous that this all happened, and she's having a hard time comprehending it or calming down at all.
"Don't go," she pleads, laying down on her bed again. "Don't hang up yet."
She's sure he just called to bitch at her for somehow having a hand in her breakup. He ends up staying on the phone with her all night, talking about nothing and sometimes not talking at all, because she's a little rattled and she doesn't want to be alone.
Right now, he's all she has.
... ... ...
He calls her every couple weeks until holiday break, mostly because he's actually fucking scared that this Reid asshole is going to touch her again.
She told him about her wrist and the bruises that were there and he saw red and almost got on a plane to New York City to kick some ass. No one touches a woman that way and gets away with it. No one. It's not okay and he likes to check up on her and make sure she's not doing something stupid like getting back with the asshole.
So when she's crying one day when he calls? Yeah, his heart dies or something. It's fucked.
"What?"
"My dads are going to Paris for the holidays," she manages.
And if her dad's are going...
"So you're going, too?" he asks.
He doesn't want to be pissed about it, it's just that at some point they're going to have to at least try to see if whatever the hell this is could be more.
... ... ...
When she gets back from Paris (and it was fabulous, even if she didn't necessarily want to go at first) she calls Noah and they talk about their breaks. He's still in Lima for another few days and she's in New York to ring in the new year, even if she's going to do it alone from her couch with a mini bottle of champagne and her pajamas on. He makes fun of her, but when she asks him if he just maybe wishes he could do the same thing, he says, "Yeah, whatever," all quietly and she knows he'd like to be sitting on that couch with her.
The more she thinks about it, the more she realizes they have to sort out whatever it is they are. They've never really been friends, and she thinks if they have any hope in hell of being anything at all, they need to at least attempt that first. Yes, that's what they've been doing for the last two months, but she knows why. They both thought they could keep up the friendly thing until they were in the same place at the same time and then they could do what they seemed to always do.
They could sleep together and act like some kind of secret couple without admitting they were a couple at all.
Her holiday plans obviously changed all that, but she doesn't want them to stop this, the regular contact and the friendship thing. It's ridiculous for her to ask him to not be with anyone else, and she's not going to do that. She doesn't want him to do that to her, either.
She calls him one night and it's late, and even though he tells her he's up, she knows he's in bed and half asleep.
"Hey," she says after they've covered the basics, like how his flight back to Montana was and how he's doing, etc.
"Hmm."
"Will you be my friend?" He gives a sleepy laugh in response. "I'm serious."
"What am I now?" he asks, genuinely confused.
"I'm not even sure. I want you to be my friend," she says firmly, and she hears him grunt his acquiescence. "Just friends."
"Oh," he says slowly. "You mean, like...no sex friends?"
She giggles and nods her head even if he can't see her. "Yes. That kind."
"But..." He's practically pouting and definitely caught off guard. "But we're good as sex friends."
"We haven't had sex in over a year, and the last time shouldn't have happened."
"Whatever," he mumbles. "Why you gotta change everything on me?"
She laughs a little. "I'm not changing it. I just think that...I've never had a lot of friends, Noah, and I feel you should be mine."
(She likes the way that sounds, though, him being hers.)
The line is quiet for too long and she starts doubting how good an idea this whole thing is. Maybe they work because they never talk about what they are or what they're going to do. Maybe the only reason he's been talking to her over these last couple months is because he wants her to be willing and waiting for him in Lima during March Break.
"Fine," he says after a moment. "I'll be your stupid friend."
"You could try to sound a little enthusiastic about it," she giggles.
"'I don't do enthusiastic this late."
"Why did you answer, then?" she asks, pulling the covers up over herself a little more. She feels like she's smiling too big, but there's no one there to see it, so she doesn't stop.
"'Cause 's'you."
They hang up shortly after that and she falls asleep easier than she has since returning from Paris.
... ... ...
So, he's 'friends' with Rachel Berry, and 15 year old him probably wants to kick his ass, but 15 year old him was also a huge fucking douchebag, so 21 year old him doesn't really give a fuck what 15 year old him has to say about shit.
Whatever. It's cool, 'cause if there's anything he knows about Rachel, it's that if she's on your side, she's got your back until you hurt her. If you don't hurt her, she'll be loyal to you forever, and to be honest, he hasn't had anyone like that. Ever. Other than his mom and sister who love him unconditionally (or whatever), there's never been anyone in his corner no matter what. Finn, sort of, but they were never the same and Puck can't really say he blames Finn for pulling away and not trusting quite so quickly after all that Quinn stuff. (Again, young him was a fucking 'tard.)
So yeah, that whole logic is basically what makes him, like, promise himself he's not going to fuck up this friendship with Rachel.
The other thing he's not fucking? Rachel.
Which, okay, he gets. It's not even that big a deal, since they see one another, like, once a year or whatever, but her closing the door on that is pretty fucking serious. It's not even like she's just all, "Oh, I think we should..." She basically told him that they were going to be friends and he was supposed to keep his dick to himself.
So he's not going to be fucking Rachel. Shame, really, since they're so good together.
It's cool, though, that things are so good between them, because he gets to call her whenever he wants to and they talk pretty candidly about things. He didn't tell her, of course, about the girl he met last week and brought back to his place. That's just not vital information to share with her. But he talks to her about school and stuff, and how his mom's doing.
Something he never knew about Rachel? Girl's got a lot of shit going on in her head. She's got a million insecurities that aren't even rational, because she's incredible, and she worries about everyfuckingthing and it's totally ridiculous. He actually has to, like, talk her down off the ledge when one of the lions goes missing from some zoo in New Jersey, 'cause she's legit crying to him on the phone, worried someone is going to shoot the thing or treat it badly.
It's a fucking lion, and she's worried about it, not the people it'll maim.
And like right now, he's just laying on his living room floor because it feels good for his back and he likes to lay like this when he has a lot of reading to do, and she's talking to him about her finals and how worried she is that she's going to fail.
"Hold up," he says, totally interrupting her after that stupid statement. "You've never fucking failed anything ever. Why would you fail now?"
"It's hard!"
"You're stupid. You're, like, the smartest person I know."
She laughs into the phone and he smiles. "That doesn't make sense."
"Whatever. You'll be fine if you stop freaking the fuck out and study instead," he tells her seriously. "If you talk to me about failing anything ever again, I'm gonna come up there and deal with you myself."
That sounds way hotter than he means it to.
And that's not allowed. Apparently.
...Chapter 4...