I Can See Us Holding Hands
Title: I Can See Us Holding Hands
Chapter: 1/1
Pairing: Finn/Rachel
Summary: Post-Journey. After Finn's 'I love you', how do he and Rachel become an official couple?
Word Count: 7,270
Disclaimer: Don't own.
A/N: For becca_radcgg who is awesome and left me a prompt that forced me to write this immediately. Hope you like it, bb!
He kind of thought it'd be easy, actually. When you tell the girl you love her, she's basically just supposed to love you back, right? That's what he assumed, anyway.
But yeah, all that stuff that happens on TV, with people making those big statements at weird times and everything magically working out? That doesn't really happen in real life, apparently. It would have been awesome to learn that lesson before he told Rachel he loves her. Now they're in this weird place where she knows how he feels and he doesn't have a freaking clue what's going on in her head.
He knows she's upset about stuff. About glee club ending and that whole Shelby thing, and Jesse and whatever. The only person he's punched in months is Puck, but he's pretty sure he wants to kick Jesse's ass. Like, seriously. That guy had Rachel and he totally fucked it up. Not that Finn didn't do the same thing, but at least he admitted it and tried to fix it. Yeah, he should be thankful that Jesse's out of the picture and whatever, but he doesn't like that Rachel's so upset over everything. It doesn't really seem fair.
She just keeps getting hurt and it sucks because he doesn't want her to.
Yeah, that I love you was supposed to make everything better.
It wasn't supposed to make her not call him for three days.
... ... ...
He doesn't really know how long he's supposed to wait. He's never actually told someone he loved them before, and he's really never done it first. With Quinn, she just assumed he loved her and he kind of went along with it because he didn't think he didn't love her. Now he knows he didn't. But whatever. Not the point.
By Sunday he's going crazy and he honestly thinks he's going to end up at Rachel's front door or something, but then his mom says something about family dinner, so he ends up at Kurt's place and they're talking about trying the moving in thing again and about Finn maybe living in the garage for the summer until Burt gets the extension put on the house.
He actually agrees to that because he's too busy thinking about Rachel, then someone asks him if he thinks that's a good idea, and he says 'yes' to make it look like he's been paying attention.
He's not totally happy about it when he figures out what's going on.
He really wants to talk to someone about it. It kind of sucks to realize that Rachel's kind of his best friend and she's the only one not talking to him right now.
... ... ...
He kinda feels like a stalker showing up at her house on Monday morning, but he figures she can't really refuse a ride to school. He knows she hates taking the bus. Plus, he brought her that tea she likes from that place downtown. He's thought this through. It's probably gonna look like he's trying too hard, but whatever. He's not going to not try at all. He did that before and look where it got him. He doesn't want to be scared of what all this means with her. He loves her, so whatever their relationship is from here on out, he at least knows she knows.
He sounds like such a girl.
She opens the door and she looks so hot in her skirt. He hasn't seen this one before. He wonders if it's new. He'd ask her if he didn't have about a million other things to get out of the way first. Like, you know, the fact that she kissed him and he told her he loves her and she hasn't talked to him since. Just that.
"Hi," she says, pulling the door closed behind her. "What are you doing here?"
"Taking you to school?" he asks, because he's not just going to boss her around. That's her job. She hates it when people do it to her.
See? He knows her. She should be with him.
And he really, really wants to kiss her right now, but he doesn't know if he's allowed. She kissed him last time, but she hasn't kissed him since, and actually, they haven't really talked all that much. They haven't talked about the kiss at all. Which sucks.
She doesn't say anything now, either, just smiles at him, tucks her hair behind her ear and walks to his car. He doesn't really get why she's being so nervous and stuff. He's the moron who blurted out those words. On one hand, he's glad she knows. On the other hand, he thinks he's a freaking idiot for saying it when they aren't even, like, dating or anything.
He gets in the car and starts it only to get a little A/C going. He doesn't really like summer. He's always too hot. When he turns to her, she's got her hands on her lap and she's looking at him.
"Hey," he says stupidly, and he knows he's smiling and stuff, because he really, really likes being around her. Obviously.
She laughs quietly. He likes it, though, because he knows she's not laughing at him. "Hello."
"So, uh...I kinda thought we'd talk," he says, and she nods, looks to her lap.
"Yes, we probably should," she admits. She turns to him quickly again. "I'm really sorry I didn't call you this weekend or anything. It's just been...It's been difficult."
"Yeah," he says, tracing the stitches in the leather of the steering wheel. "I know." It's too quiet in this stupid car. He should have just called her yesterday. Stupid. "I'm moving in with the Hummels." She looks completely surprised. "Yeah. It kinda sucks. Apparently I'm in the garage."
She giggles, then tries to wipe the smile off her face and look serious. "I'm sorry. That must be really hard for you."
He shrugs his shoulder. "Yeah. But my mom's really happy, you know? So it's cool, I guess."
"That's very mature of you, Finn," she says sweetly. She puts her hand on his arm and he smiles at her. She makes him feel so good. Even stupid stuff like this. She just makes everything so much better. "We should probably get going."
"I said I love you," he blurts out. He really, really needs to stop doing that. She lets out a little breath. "And then you didn't talk to me for, like, three days, so I'm kinda freaking out and thinking you hate me and stuff."
She gives him this little smile. "I don't hate you," she admits, even if it is almost a whisper. "I was just surprised. And caught off guard. And possibly feeling like I was living in some strange performance high-induced dream wherein someone other than a family member admitted to loving me in any way."
She's making it hard to understand her right now. She does that a lot.
"It wasn't a dream. I actually said it."
"Did you mean it?" she asks softly, looking at her skirt again, playing with the bottom of it. Yeah, that's not distracting at all.
"Yeah," he says, because it's stupid for her to think he didn't. Does she just think he goes around saying that to everyone? He can see her biting her bottom lip and trying not to smile. "You could say anything right now and that'd be awesome."
She laughs a little again, but it's not like a funny laugh. He doesn't like this laugh. "I'm really, really flattered," she says, finally looking at him again. "And I'm glad you told me. I'm glad I know."
He really doesn't like where this is going.
"But?"
If anyone had told him at the beginning of the year that the intense girl in glee club would be a total heartbreaker, he wouldn't have believed them. And he would never have ever guessed it'd be his heart getting broken.
"I just broke up with Jesse. Or he broke up with me. Whichever," she says. He takes a deep breath. He's really fucking sick of hearing about Jesse. "You know I have feelings for you. Finn, I've always had feelings for you." He smiles a bit, shyly. One of the things he likes about her is that she's so good at saying what she feels. She doesn't ever really hide it. "I just need time to...This year has been a complete roller coaster, and I don't want us to just jump into something because we're both finally single at the same time."
"...Oh."
She angles her body towards his and pulls his hand off the steering wheel, holds it between her own, so he's kind of forced to look at her. "I do want to be with you," she admits, smiling. He smiles, too. God, he wants to kiss her. "We should just be friends first. Just for a little bit."
"Just friends?" he asks, because on one hand that sound awesome. The other...all of him...wants to call her his girlfriend and have a really awesome summer with her.
"I think that's best for now," she says slowly. "I think we just need to get to know one another without the pressure of glee and the labels." He sighs and tips his head back. To be honest, he saw this going totally differently. She squeezes his hand. "I'll help you decorate your garage bedroom."
He smiles, but he's thinking about this and how much it really sucks. I love you is supposed to change everything. It shouldn't matter that she just broke up with that moron who treated her like crap. And yeah, maybe he kinda treated her badly, too, but he's totally proven himself since then. And he was really screwed up over the whole Quinn thing at the time, and that was...
Oh.
Okay, so he gets it. She's just doing this so they don't hurt each other and screw up again.
"Okay," he says after a moment. She smiles all brightly and leans over to kiss his cheek. "Wait. We're allowed to kiss?"
"No," she giggles. "Friends kiss on the cheek."
He might be blushing and stuff, which is stupid, 'cause it was just a kiss on the cheek. He wonders, though, if he can kiss her other places, too. Not, like, anything crazy, but if he kissed her hand right now, would that be okay? 'Cause she's still holding his hand. He needs it to drive, and she must realize that, so she lets him take it back.
They're pretty quiet on the drive. Okay, he's quiet. She's talking about all the ideas she came up with to keep glee club for another year.
He's kind of still thinking of safe places to kiss her.
... ... ...
It's kind of weird, 'cause she gets really crazy and then really sad when she's organizing this thing for Mr. Schue. Her eyes get all shiny when she finds the song (they're all looking, the whole club, through the songbooks in the choir room) and when she starts singing it, everyone else gets kind of sad, too.
Then they go to the auditorium and everyone loses it. He's crying, which he knows the guys'll make fun of him for later, but whatever. It's true, what he said about Mr. Schue. And Glee club got him real friends, got him Rachel.
He can tell she's trying not to cry too hard. He talks to her after, tells her she doesn't have to hide that stuff from him. She gives him the most perfect, pretty smile ever.
... ... ...
She hugs him so tight he thinks she's going to hurt him when they find out they have another year.
Then she takes his hand and rests her head on his shoulder when Mr. Schue's singing for them.
He's pretty sure this is the best friendship of all time.
... ... ...
A week into summer and he hasn't seen her since school ended. It really sucks. They've talked a few times and stuff, but he's been moving and she's been 'decompressing', whatever that means. Plus, he's still working. He doesn't really know if he has to, but they keep putting him on the schedule and he keeps going. Puck's there, too, so it's not so bad, even if Mrs. Schuester looks at him kinda crazily sometimes. The money's nice, now that he actually gets to keep it.
So when Rachel surprises him his second Monday as basically a full-time employee, he's really, really glad to see her. And she's wearing the little yellow skirt that he loves and a really girly navy blue tank top. She's holding cookies, too, so that's awesome.
"Hi!" she says, bouncing up to him. She looks around for other employees and sees only Puck. Finn's not totally surprised when she hugs him. He really loves hugging her, too. She's so little and stuff. "I brought you cookies."
"Share!" Puck calls from where he's stacking towels on a shelf.
Rachel just laughs and throws him a wave. He juts his chin out. Finn knows that if he turns his back on those cookies for even two seconds, Puck will be swooping in. But Rachel's his...his girl(?) and she made him cookies, not Puck.
"How are you?" she asks. "Do you want to come over later?"
"Yeah," he answers automatically. She smiles. "I'm good. Really good."
She smiles brightly and bounces a little. "I have to go. Daddy's waiting. Just come over after work, okay?"
He nods quickly and watches her spin around and leave. Work's not so bad when he gets visits like that.
... ... ...
So they start hanging out after that. A lot. Like, if he isn't at work, he's with Rachel. Unless she's at dance or voice class or whatever. They spend all their time together. She really does help him decorate his garage bedroom, and it's not so bad. She makes fun of him for being weirded out by the big chain and padlock keeping the garage door down. It's freaky, though, okay? It's like he's being locked in, not like everyone else is being locked out. But he's got his own entrance that his mom and Burt are pretty cool about him using. And Rachel using. So that's cool.
Plus, Burt buys him an awesome TV as a 'welcome to the house/garage' present, which isn't really necessary, but it's not like Finn's gonna say no or anything. I mean, it's a TV. So he and Rachel watch Knocked Up, 'cause she told him she's never seen it, and she tries to act all grossed out through most of it, but he knows she likes it, because she laughs really hard and stuff and has to press her face against his arm at one point.
They hang out at her place a lot, too, because even though he has an air conditioner in the garage, it's not as nice as her place with the full on AC. And her dads are like, super hot blooded or something, so it's always crazy cold in their house. It's kind of awesome, because it means Rachel gets all cuddly and stuff when they're hanging out. Once, when she's at his place, she steals one of his sweaters to take home. Yeah, it's really cool when he's over one night and she's wearing that sweater with her shorts. Totally sexy.
"Do you know what we should do?" she asks. He's walking her home from his place, because his mom's out with the car and he still feels really weird asking Burt if he can borrow his. Plus, it's nice to just walk with Rachel. It's basically nice to do anything with her.
And he can think of about a million things they should do. Like date. And make out. And eventually do...other stuff. God, he really wants to eventually do other stuff.
"What?" he asks, 'cause that's safer than telling her they should probably get naked together someday.
"There's a play at the community center. They do one every summer. This year, they're putting on Barefoot in the Park, which is one of my favourites. We should audition!"
Um. No. Not exactly high up on his list of a million things they should do.
"Rachel, I don't know..."
"Come on!" she says excitedly, stopping in front of him. She puts her hands on his forearms and he can't help that he smiles down at her. She's just so pretty, you know? And right now she's wearing this pink summer dress and her hair's all shiny and her lips look... Okay, stop looking at her lips. "You are so talented, Finn, and something like this can only build upon what you naturally possess."
All he can think is that between working and, like, sleeping and whatever, he really doesn't have time for much of anything else. Even if that's a play about being barefoot in parks and stuff. And isn't that kind of dangerous, anyway?
"With work, and everything," he says, his voice trailing. Her face kind of falls and he hates it when she does that. "But you should totally audition." He's encouraging, and she smiles. "Yeah. I mean, I'm super busy, you know? But you should do it. You'd be great."
She starts talking about it pretty seriously, the acts and stuff, but he's pretty preoccupied worrying that if she gets a part in this play he'll just see her less, and he really doesn't want that.
She kisses him on the cheek when they get to her door, thanks him for walking her and tells him to have a good day at work the next day.
Being friends with her is really, really great, but being that he loves her and stuff, a lot of the time it really doesn't feel like enough.
... ... ...
She doesn't get the part she wanted. She cries because of it, something about Jane Fonda and stage experience and being too young to play someone's mother? He loses track and she's hard to understand when she's crying. And it sucks that they're on the phone right now, because he wants to, like, hug her and make her feel better, but he really doesn't know how.
So he does something kind of awesome and totally thoughtful and he thinks maybe these are the kinds of things he has to do to get her to realize this friendship/non-dating thing is stupid and she should just be his girlfriend.
He knows she's vegan and stuff, so he goes to the grocery store and gets the only kind of milk the guy there tells him is vegan. It's soy or something, whatever that is. Then he drives over to her place and her dads let him in, say she's very upset and she could probably use a friend. They see what he's carrying in his hands and direct him to the kitchen. They're kind of looking at him like he might be really sweet and stuff. That's kind of what he's going for, and if her dads can see it, then maybe she will, too.
He carries the plate and glass up to her room and knocks, walking in when she mumbles something that sounds like, "come in."
She's laying on her bed in his sweater and a little red pair of shorts, watching music videos on TV.
"Hey," he says quietly, and she finally looks over to see that it's him, not one of her dads.
"Hi. What is that?"
"Cookies and milk," he says with a shrug. Her eyes go all soft and stuff, and it looks like she stopped crying a while ago. "My mom always gave me Oreos and milk when I was upset and stuff. So I thought..."
"That's really sweet," she says, smiling as she sits up in her bed, crossing her legs.
"It's soy milk. The guy at the store said it was good."
She smiles even wider and takes the glass. "Thank you," she says, taking a sip. "I think Oreos contain egg product, though."
"Oh," he mutters, looking down at the plate. "Well, a little isn't going to hurt you, right? Like, one cookie? You'll feel so much better, I swear."
She giggles. "Are you trying to peer pressure me into eating an Oreo?"
He smiles a little and moves a little closer to her, putting the plate in front of her on the bed. "I just want you to be happy."
She takes another drink of milk and squeezes his hand once before handing him the remote so he can flip through the channels. He settles on some girly movie she'll probably love, and sits back against her headboard with his hands on his lap.
It's probably 20 minutes before she reaches out and takes one of the Oreos. He watches as she carefully dips it into the milk, then takes a bite. He definitely hears the little noise she lets out when she tastes it.
"See?" he says quietly, and she looks at him as she chews. "All better."
Probably not, really, but he still feels awesome because she doesn't cry anymore after that, and she's back to ranting about Anne Hathaway's crappy acting, and for once, he totally agrees. They change the channel and watch Transformers instead, which is awesome, except then she talks about how overrated Megan Fox is.
He's not really mad at her for making him miss basically the entire movie. Not when she curls up against him with her legs pulled up and her thighs brush his. He loops his arm around her shoulders and she hands him the plate of cookies so he can finish the rest.
She really does know him so well. He loves Oreos so much.
... ... ...
He sees her talking to Puck once when she's waiting outside Sheets 'N' Things. Puck's just coming on work when Finn's coming off, and Rachel's waiting for him in the parking lot like she said she would when she texted him earlier.
So yeah, she's talking to Puck. And whatever, he doesn't think she'd, like, do anything with the guy, but it's not like there's really anything stopping her. It's not like she has a boyfriend. He knows her well enough to know that she wouldn't just randomly start dating some guy without telling him.
Again.
Shit. She totally might. No. Not this time. Not after everything they've been through and what he said. And she told him she wants to be with him. That has to mean something. That means a lot. And they hang out, like, every day, practically.
So she's just talking to Puck. She laughs, and Puck looks kind of like he might not actually want to kill Rachel, which is totally weird, if you ask Finn. But they're just talking.
And when she sees him, she smiles and waves and turns totally away from Puck, and Finn feels pretty good about it. So good that as he's walking down the few stairs that lead to the employee parking lot, he stumbles a little and has to reach for the railing really fast so he doesn't face plant on the concrete.
Smooth.
Puck's laughing, but Rachel hits him on the arm and walks over to meet Finn halfway between the stairs and his car.
"I tripped," he admits.
She smiles and looks down, like his feet might be the problem and not the fact that he was just not paying attention. "I saw. Are you okay?"
"Yeah." He really loves her even more for never making fun of him when he does stupid stuff like that. "What do you wanna do?"
"I wore my bathing suit. We could go swimming at the lake if you want to," she says. He nods and puts his hand on her back as they walk to his car. He watches her tuck her hair behind her ear. It's really cute when she does that. "We can stop at your place first. I actually wanted to speak with Kurt about something. I was thinking..."
She talks about glee club the whole drive to his house, and then for another 20 minutes with Kurt in the kitchen. Finn thinks he might have to referee or something, but it's weird, 'cause those two are actually almost getting along or something. So when he gets bored and goes to change into his trunks he doesn't have to worry about jumping in and saving one of them.
And he'd definitely save Rachel. Sure, Kurt's almost his brother or whatever, but Rachel's his...
His Rachel.
... ... ...
Things are going really good. He thinks they're, like, really, really close to actually being a couple or something. He hopes so, because he's practically dying to kiss her, and it's hard sometimes not to. Like that day at the lake. Her black one piece bathing suit was way, way sexier than it probably should have been. Put her in it with her hair all wet? And add in some giggling and stuff? He almost died. He could have, totally. Or the other day when they went for 'ice cream' and she got a popsicle. Does he really have to explain that? The thing is, too, that she has pretty much no clue what she does to him. Maybe because she's acting totally normal and he's just, like, in love with her. She could just sit there and completely ignore him and he'd still want to grab her. You know, gently.
He's just getting really impatient. He gets why she wanted to wait and stuff, but it's been a month or whatever, and he thinks she's been single long enough that now she can try not being single. With him. They could not be single together. That sounds like basically the best idea ever.
"Hey, Rach?" he says one day when they're in his room. Garage. Whatever. She's on the floor, covered by an area rug that's way too nice to be in a garage, and he's on the bed. She's reading a book or something while he plays video games. It's kind of nice, just sitting around with her and not talking.
"Yes?"
"Come here," he says, smiling at her. She looks at him skeptically.
"What?" she asks.
"Just c'mere."
She gets up and walks over and he pulls her arm so she's sitting down next to him, then he wraps his arms around her. She hugs him back, which is awesome, and her hands feel really good on his back.
There's this little group of freckles on the back of her right shoulder that he's been staring at for, like, three weeks.
So he kisses it.
Finally.
"Finn," she says quietly.
"I've really wanted to do that," he admits, running his thumb over the spot, not looking at her face. "Friends kiss like that, right?"
She laughs a little and shakes her head. "Not really."
"Oh," he says. "What about a friend who loves the other friend?"
She sighs and stands up, playing with the bottom of her tank top. "Finn," she repeats, like she's disappointed or something. He waits for her to say more, because she usually does. "You can't just...We're supposed to be..."
"We're supposed to be together," he says seriously, because he knows it's true, and how does she not? She looks down and he sighs. "Come on, Rachel, this is crazy. You said..."
"I know what I said," she says quietly.
"So it's been a month, and I'm kinda dying here." She shoots him a look. He's not really exaggerating. "Is it crazy that I just wanna, like, be your boyfriend? 'Cause I don't think it is."
"It's not."
"So what's wrong?" he asks, because this is basically the second time they've had the conversation, and this one isn't going any better than the first. "I mean, if you don't want..."
"It's not that," she whispers.
He stands up so he's in front of her, and he really wants her to at least look at him, but she won't. "If you're not over Jesse, I get it, okay? Just tell me."
"Jesse has nothing to do with anything," she says seriously, finally looking up at him.
He rolls his eyes, which is probably not the best thing to do. "Whatever," he mumbles, because he's kind of out of things to say right now. He could tell her he loves her again, but she didn't exactly respond very well the last time, and he doesn't want to feel that feeling again, like his heart's sinking because she won't just say it back.
"Don't do that," she says softly. "I'm not trying to hurt you, Finn."
"You kind of are."
"I'm sorry!"
"I just want to know what's wrong," he says, sitting back down at the end of his bed.
"You are," she blurts out. Well, fuck. That was clear enough for him. Too clear. Ouch. She just looks at him, like she can't believe she just said that out loud. He's really waiting for her to explain herself, because he's probably got that broken heart thing people are always singing songs about, and it's not the best feeling in the world. "It's not that I don't want us to be together, Finn. It's just that...you really hurt me."
"I know," he says quietly. "And I'm really sorry about that."
"I know you are, but that doesn't mean you won't do it again."
"I won't."
"How can I be sure of that?" she asks desperately, forcing him to look at her. "How can you? This year has been...it's been awful, Finn. I can't lose you like I did before. Like I lost everyone else."
He doesn't really see the logic in that. She's not being with him so she can hold onto him, but he's getting frustrated because she's not with him.
"That's stupid," he says, brow furrowed as he looks at her.
Apparently that's the wrong thing to say. Her eyes get kind of wide, then she clenches her jaw and her chin starts quivering a little.
"Fine. It's stupid. I guess I'm just crazy to want to be sure you're not going to break my heart like you did before. Silly me for trying to avoid the whole painful process."
She bends down and grabs her bag, and jerks her hand away when he tries to take it. "Rachel."
"Don't. I'm just...I'm leaving."
She gets to the door before he stands up and walks towards her. "Rach, come on. I didn't mean..."
"It doesn't matter what you meant," she snaps, hand on the doorknob.
She pulls open the door and leaves, and all he can do is stand there and think that he really, really fucked that up. Like, badly.
All he wanted to say was that it's stupid that she's worried about losing him, because he's not going anywhere. She heard him wrong and now he's totally screwed.
He flops back onto his bed and closes his eyes. He really, really wonders if they'll ever get this whole thing right.
... ... ...
He tries to call her a couple hours later, but she doesn't answer. Then he texts her and she doesn't reply, so he doesn't try again until the next day. He's at work and he's not supposed to be using his phone, but Rachel is so much more important than a couple hundred dollars a week and a crazy boss who looks like she might want to lock him in a cage or something. But Rachel doesn't answer then, either. And it really sucks.
He leaves her a message the day after that. It's stupid, probably, because if she wanted to talk to him, she would have answered by now, but he figures if he doesn't try, he's just proving her right. If he doesn't explain that he just wants her, for good, he's just as bad as she's afraid he'll be.
"Rach, it's me. Look, I know you're mad, and I'm sorry, alright? I shouldn't have said it was stupid. It wasn't. I just wanna talk, okay? Call me and we'll talk. We should talk."
So maybe he sounded like an idiot, but at least he's a persistent idiot.
When she doesn't call back and another two days pass, he starts to get depressed. It's way too hot to sleep in the garage, so he ends up on the couch in the living room, and his mom kisses his forehead like he's a little kid or something, and you know what? It feels really nice. Not because he's a mama's boy (maybe only a little, but it's okay, 'cause she's all he's ever really had) but because he needs someone to remind him somehow that he's not a total screw up. And that's how he's felt since the day Rachel stormed out of his bedroom. Garage. Whatever.
He can't sleep, though. It's nice and cool; that's not the problem. The problem is that he can't stop thinking about Rachel. It's really nothing new, but this is totally different. It's not like before when he'd just picture her or remember something she'd said or think she'd sound really good singing that song he heard at work. He just misses her. Like, a lot. More than she'd ever even guess.
So he turns on the TV, because he doesn't really know what else to do and he can't just lay there anymore. Burt's practically addicted to The Discovery Channel, and Finn's kind of getting used to it. Sometimes he learns stuff, too, if he pays attention. He adjusts the volume so he doesn't wake up everyone in the house, and he lays there in his boxers and tee shirt on the sofa and tries not to think about Rachel. That guy from Dirty Jobs is talking about pulleys and levers (Finn thinks they might have learned about that in science or something, maybe).
Then he starts thinking about Rachel and how sad she looked the other day.
There's a part of him that wants to blame her, because if she hadn't been all serious about them waiting to be together, that whole stupid fight wouldn't have happened. They'd just be together, and maybe they'd argue about stupid stuff, like couples do, but at least they'd be a couple. At least he'd be able to, like, kiss her and apologize and take her flowers or do something to make her listen.
To be honest, these past however many days without her have really, really sucked and he just wants her back, even if she was never officially his. He knows she could be if he said the right things.
... ... ...
When he texts her and tells her he's coming over and she doesn't reply and tell him not to, he takes that as a good sign. He still doesn't really know if she'll actually listen to him, but he knows he has to try. Obviously he has to try.
She's home alone, and she's not allowed to have boys in the house without her dads there, so he suggests they go for a walk. It's better this way, maybe. At least she can't, like, yell at him and cry in public, right? Okay, she's Rachel, so she would, but he really doesn't think she will.
They've been walking for a couple minutes and she's got her arms crossed, and he really hates when she's all sad like this, because all he ever wants her to be is happy.
"I'm really sorry," he says quietly, looking over at her. She doesn't look up, but she nods.
"I heard your message. And got your texts."
"Yeah." He waits for her to talk, because she's so much better at it than he is, but she doesn't. It kind of freaks him out, but he figures he's the one who's got stuff to say, so maybe it's best that she's quiet right now. He stops walking and moves so he's standing in front of her. "Look, I know I really hurt you before. And...I dunno. I realized that really fast. You know that, 'cause I told you."
"I know, Finn, but..."
"Can I...do you mind if I finish?" he asks. She takes a deep breath and nods. "I know an apology doesn't make everything magically better or anything. I get why you're freaked out." She looks like she wants to say something. He gives her a chance to talk, but she doesn't take it. "I just really, really...love you. And saying it so much probably doesn't make you feel any better, but..."
"Actually, it does," she says quietly. She looks up at him through her eyelashes and he smiles, because yes, that's what he wanted to hear.
"Look, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not Jesse, and I'm not your mom. And I screwed up the first time, but I'm not gonna do it again."
"Do you mean that, Finn? Because if you don't mean it, don't make me believe that you do. Please," she says, shaking her head a little bit.
He takes another step closer, slides his hand down her arm from her elbow to her wrist. She looks down in time to see him wrap his fingers around hers. "I promise, Rachel," he says.
She takes a deep breath, and he really thinks she's going to pull her hand away, but she doesn't. "I really though I was over it, you know? What happened between us last time."
"Me being an ass?"
He smiles when she giggles. She's so cute it's crazy.
"I wouldn't exactly put it like that, but yes," she says, looking up at him. "But then the other day..."
"I was an ass again."
"No," she says, shaking her head. "You just scared me, that's all." He looks at her for a second, trying to figure out her logic behind that. She shrugs her shoulder. "If we aren't together, we can't break up."
"Oh," he says. "But if we aren't together, we can't, like, be together, either."
She laughs a little bit and closes the space between them, presses her face against his chest and pulls her hand from his only so she can wrap her arms around him. That's all good. That's all really, really good. He hugs her, puts his arms around her and leans down just a little bit so he's closer. She smells so good, like summer and sugar and oranges and Rachel. He's missed that.
Then when she pulls back and leans up on her toes to kiss him, he's kind of confused, but he kisses her back. Of course he kisses her back. He loves her and she seems to maybe finally want him the way he wants her, and she's kissing him, so he's gotta kiss her back. It's, like, a rule or something. Her hand moves up to his shoulder and his are on her back, touching her gently before one slips up to the back of her neck.
He's kissing her. He's kissing Rachel. On the sidewalk two houses down from hers.
When she pulls away a bit, he leans down and presses his forehead against hers. He opens his eyes and she leans back a bit, and she's wearing this really pretty smile and she licks her lips.
"Okay," he breathes out, because he has to say something and that's really all he can think of. She laughs quietly and he hugs her again. "So can I be your boyfriend yet? Because you just kissed me and stuff, so I'm thinking yes."
She nods and he lets her go a little bit. "Yes," she says quietly. "I would really like it if you were my boyfriend." He smiles so wide his cheeks hurt, and he doesn't care at all. "But I think I should go home now."
Wait. What?
"Why?"
"Because I should leave my fathers a note to tell them I'm at your house," she says, slipping her hand into his as she starts to walk backwards.
"We could go on a date or something if you want," he suggests, because now that she's actually his girlfriend (finally!) he wants to treat her like one.
She just shakes her head as they start walking together, side-by-side back to her house. "No, it's okay," she says, looking up at him, smiling. "I think we should just spend time together. Maybe alone in your room."
"Yeah." Dating such a smart girl is really going to be so good. "That sounds...awesome."
They hold hands the whole drive to his place, and when they get to his room and she immediately sits down on his bed, he knows today is the best day of his whole entire summer. Completely amazing.
Chapter: 1/1
Pairing: Finn/Rachel
Summary: Post-Journey. After Finn's 'I love you', how do he and Rachel become an official couple?
Word Count: 7,270
Disclaimer: Don't own.
A/N: For becca_radcgg who is awesome and left me a prompt that forced me to write this immediately. Hope you like it, bb!
He kind of thought it'd be easy, actually. When you tell the girl you love her, she's basically just supposed to love you back, right? That's what he assumed, anyway.
But yeah, all that stuff that happens on TV, with people making those big statements at weird times and everything magically working out? That doesn't really happen in real life, apparently. It would have been awesome to learn that lesson before he told Rachel he loves her. Now they're in this weird place where she knows how he feels and he doesn't have a freaking clue what's going on in her head.
He knows she's upset about stuff. About glee club ending and that whole Shelby thing, and Jesse and whatever. The only person he's punched in months is Puck, but he's pretty sure he wants to kick Jesse's ass. Like, seriously. That guy had Rachel and he totally fucked it up. Not that Finn didn't do the same thing, but at least he admitted it and tried to fix it. Yeah, he should be thankful that Jesse's out of the picture and whatever, but he doesn't like that Rachel's so upset over everything. It doesn't really seem fair.
She just keeps getting hurt and it sucks because he doesn't want her to.
Yeah, that I love you was supposed to make everything better.
It wasn't supposed to make her not call him for three days.
... ... ...
He doesn't really know how long he's supposed to wait. He's never actually told someone he loved them before, and he's really never done it first. With Quinn, she just assumed he loved her and he kind of went along with it because he didn't think he didn't love her. Now he knows he didn't. But whatever. Not the point.
By Sunday he's going crazy and he honestly thinks he's going to end up at Rachel's front door or something, but then his mom says something about family dinner, so he ends up at Kurt's place and they're talking about trying the moving in thing again and about Finn maybe living in the garage for the summer until Burt gets the extension put on the house.
He actually agrees to that because he's too busy thinking about Rachel, then someone asks him if he thinks that's a good idea, and he says 'yes' to make it look like he's been paying attention.
He's not totally happy about it when he figures out what's going on.
He really wants to talk to someone about it. It kind of sucks to realize that Rachel's kind of his best friend and she's the only one not talking to him right now.
... ... ...
He kinda feels like a stalker showing up at her house on Monday morning, but he figures she can't really refuse a ride to school. He knows she hates taking the bus. Plus, he brought her that tea she likes from that place downtown. He's thought this through. It's probably gonna look like he's trying too hard, but whatever. He's not going to not try at all. He did that before and look where it got him. He doesn't want to be scared of what all this means with her. He loves her, so whatever their relationship is from here on out, he at least knows she knows.
He sounds like such a girl.
She opens the door and she looks so hot in her skirt. He hasn't seen this one before. He wonders if it's new. He'd ask her if he didn't have about a million other things to get out of the way first. Like, you know, the fact that she kissed him and he told her he loves her and she hasn't talked to him since. Just that.
"Hi," she says, pulling the door closed behind her. "What are you doing here?"
"Taking you to school?" he asks, because he's not just going to boss her around. That's her job. She hates it when people do it to her.
See? He knows her. She should be with him.
And he really, really wants to kiss her right now, but he doesn't know if he's allowed. She kissed him last time, but she hasn't kissed him since, and actually, they haven't really talked all that much. They haven't talked about the kiss at all. Which sucks.
She doesn't say anything now, either, just smiles at him, tucks her hair behind her ear and walks to his car. He doesn't really get why she's being so nervous and stuff. He's the moron who blurted out those words. On one hand, he's glad she knows. On the other hand, he thinks he's a freaking idiot for saying it when they aren't even, like, dating or anything.
He gets in the car and starts it only to get a little A/C going. He doesn't really like summer. He's always too hot. When he turns to her, she's got her hands on her lap and she's looking at him.
"Hey," he says stupidly, and he knows he's smiling and stuff, because he really, really likes being around her. Obviously.
She laughs quietly. He likes it, though, because he knows she's not laughing at him. "Hello."
"So, uh...I kinda thought we'd talk," he says, and she nods, looks to her lap.
"Yes, we probably should," she admits. She turns to him quickly again. "I'm really sorry I didn't call you this weekend or anything. It's just been...It's been difficult."
"Yeah," he says, tracing the stitches in the leather of the steering wheel. "I know." It's too quiet in this stupid car. He should have just called her yesterday. Stupid. "I'm moving in with the Hummels." She looks completely surprised. "Yeah. It kinda sucks. Apparently I'm in the garage."
She giggles, then tries to wipe the smile off her face and look serious. "I'm sorry. That must be really hard for you."
He shrugs his shoulder. "Yeah. But my mom's really happy, you know? So it's cool, I guess."
"That's very mature of you, Finn," she says sweetly. She puts her hand on his arm and he smiles at her. She makes him feel so good. Even stupid stuff like this. She just makes everything so much better. "We should probably get going."
"I said I love you," he blurts out. He really, really needs to stop doing that. She lets out a little breath. "And then you didn't talk to me for, like, three days, so I'm kinda freaking out and thinking you hate me and stuff."
She gives him this little smile. "I don't hate you," she admits, even if it is almost a whisper. "I was just surprised. And caught off guard. And possibly feeling like I was living in some strange performance high-induced dream wherein someone other than a family member admitted to loving me in any way."
She's making it hard to understand her right now. She does that a lot.
"It wasn't a dream. I actually said it."
"Did you mean it?" she asks softly, looking at her skirt again, playing with the bottom of it. Yeah, that's not distracting at all.
"Yeah," he says, because it's stupid for her to think he didn't. Does she just think he goes around saying that to everyone? He can see her biting her bottom lip and trying not to smile. "You could say anything right now and that'd be awesome."
She laughs a little again, but it's not like a funny laugh. He doesn't like this laugh. "I'm really, really flattered," she says, finally looking at him again. "And I'm glad you told me. I'm glad I know."
He really doesn't like where this is going.
"But?"
If anyone had told him at the beginning of the year that the intense girl in glee club would be a total heartbreaker, he wouldn't have believed them. And he would never have ever guessed it'd be his heart getting broken.
"I just broke up with Jesse. Or he broke up with me. Whichever," she says. He takes a deep breath. He's really fucking sick of hearing about Jesse. "You know I have feelings for you. Finn, I've always had feelings for you." He smiles a bit, shyly. One of the things he likes about her is that she's so good at saying what she feels. She doesn't ever really hide it. "I just need time to...This year has been a complete roller coaster, and I don't want us to just jump into something because we're both finally single at the same time."
"...Oh."
She angles her body towards his and pulls his hand off the steering wheel, holds it between her own, so he's kind of forced to look at her. "I do want to be with you," she admits, smiling. He smiles, too. God, he wants to kiss her. "We should just be friends first. Just for a little bit."
"Just friends?" he asks, because on one hand that sound awesome. The other...all of him...wants to call her his girlfriend and have a really awesome summer with her.
"I think that's best for now," she says slowly. "I think we just need to get to know one another without the pressure of glee and the labels." He sighs and tips his head back. To be honest, he saw this going totally differently. She squeezes his hand. "I'll help you decorate your garage bedroom."
He smiles, but he's thinking about this and how much it really sucks. I love you is supposed to change everything. It shouldn't matter that she just broke up with that moron who treated her like crap. And yeah, maybe he kinda treated her badly, too, but he's totally proven himself since then. And he was really screwed up over the whole Quinn thing at the time, and that was...
Oh.
Okay, so he gets it. She's just doing this so they don't hurt each other and screw up again.
"Okay," he says after a moment. She smiles all brightly and leans over to kiss his cheek. "Wait. We're allowed to kiss?"
"No," she giggles. "Friends kiss on the cheek."
He might be blushing and stuff, which is stupid, 'cause it was just a kiss on the cheek. He wonders, though, if he can kiss her other places, too. Not, like, anything crazy, but if he kissed her hand right now, would that be okay? 'Cause she's still holding his hand. He needs it to drive, and she must realize that, so she lets him take it back.
They're pretty quiet on the drive. Okay, he's quiet. She's talking about all the ideas she came up with to keep glee club for another year.
He's kind of still thinking of safe places to kiss her.
... ... ...
It's kind of weird, 'cause she gets really crazy and then really sad when she's organizing this thing for Mr. Schue. Her eyes get all shiny when she finds the song (they're all looking, the whole club, through the songbooks in the choir room) and when she starts singing it, everyone else gets kind of sad, too.
Then they go to the auditorium and everyone loses it. He's crying, which he knows the guys'll make fun of him for later, but whatever. It's true, what he said about Mr. Schue. And Glee club got him real friends, got him Rachel.
He can tell she's trying not to cry too hard. He talks to her after, tells her she doesn't have to hide that stuff from him. She gives him the most perfect, pretty smile ever.
... ... ...
She hugs him so tight he thinks she's going to hurt him when they find out they have another year.
Then she takes his hand and rests her head on his shoulder when Mr. Schue's singing for them.
He's pretty sure this is the best friendship of all time.
... ... ...
A week into summer and he hasn't seen her since school ended. It really sucks. They've talked a few times and stuff, but he's been moving and she's been 'decompressing', whatever that means. Plus, he's still working. He doesn't really know if he has to, but they keep putting him on the schedule and he keeps going. Puck's there, too, so it's not so bad, even if Mrs. Schuester looks at him kinda crazily sometimes. The money's nice, now that he actually gets to keep it.
So when Rachel surprises him his second Monday as basically a full-time employee, he's really, really glad to see her. And she's wearing the little yellow skirt that he loves and a really girly navy blue tank top. She's holding cookies, too, so that's awesome.
"Hi!" she says, bouncing up to him. She looks around for other employees and sees only Puck. Finn's not totally surprised when she hugs him. He really loves hugging her, too. She's so little and stuff. "I brought you cookies."
"Share!" Puck calls from where he's stacking towels on a shelf.
Rachel just laughs and throws him a wave. He juts his chin out. Finn knows that if he turns his back on those cookies for even two seconds, Puck will be swooping in. But Rachel's his...his girl(?) and she made him cookies, not Puck.
"How are you?" she asks. "Do you want to come over later?"
"Yeah," he answers automatically. She smiles. "I'm good. Really good."
She smiles brightly and bounces a little. "I have to go. Daddy's waiting. Just come over after work, okay?"
He nods quickly and watches her spin around and leave. Work's not so bad when he gets visits like that.
... ... ...
So they start hanging out after that. A lot. Like, if he isn't at work, he's with Rachel. Unless she's at dance or voice class or whatever. They spend all their time together. She really does help him decorate his garage bedroom, and it's not so bad. She makes fun of him for being weirded out by the big chain and padlock keeping the garage door down. It's freaky, though, okay? It's like he's being locked in, not like everyone else is being locked out. But he's got his own entrance that his mom and Burt are pretty cool about him using. And Rachel using. So that's cool.
Plus, Burt buys him an awesome TV as a 'welcome to the house/garage' present, which isn't really necessary, but it's not like Finn's gonna say no or anything. I mean, it's a TV. So he and Rachel watch Knocked Up, 'cause she told him she's never seen it, and she tries to act all grossed out through most of it, but he knows she likes it, because she laughs really hard and stuff and has to press her face against his arm at one point.
They hang out at her place a lot, too, because even though he has an air conditioner in the garage, it's not as nice as her place with the full on AC. And her dads are like, super hot blooded or something, so it's always crazy cold in their house. It's kind of awesome, because it means Rachel gets all cuddly and stuff when they're hanging out. Once, when she's at his place, she steals one of his sweaters to take home. Yeah, it's really cool when he's over one night and she's wearing that sweater with her shorts. Totally sexy.
"Do you know what we should do?" she asks. He's walking her home from his place, because his mom's out with the car and he still feels really weird asking Burt if he can borrow his. Plus, it's nice to just walk with Rachel. It's basically nice to do anything with her.
And he can think of about a million things they should do. Like date. And make out. And eventually do...other stuff. God, he really wants to eventually do other stuff.
"What?" he asks, 'cause that's safer than telling her they should probably get naked together someday.
"There's a play at the community center. They do one every summer. This year, they're putting on Barefoot in the Park, which is one of my favourites. We should audition!"
Um. No. Not exactly high up on his list of a million things they should do.
"Rachel, I don't know..."
"Come on!" she says excitedly, stopping in front of him. She puts her hands on his forearms and he can't help that he smiles down at her. She's just so pretty, you know? And right now she's wearing this pink summer dress and her hair's all shiny and her lips look... Okay, stop looking at her lips. "You are so talented, Finn, and something like this can only build upon what you naturally possess."
All he can think is that between working and, like, sleeping and whatever, he really doesn't have time for much of anything else. Even if that's a play about being barefoot in parks and stuff. And isn't that kind of dangerous, anyway?
"With work, and everything," he says, his voice trailing. Her face kind of falls and he hates it when she does that. "But you should totally audition." He's encouraging, and she smiles. "Yeah. I mean, I'm super busy, you know? But you should do it. You'd be great."
She starts talking about it pretty seriously, the acts and stuff, but he's pretty preoccupied worrying that if she gets a part in this play he'll just see her less, and he really doesn't want that.
She kisses him on the cheek when they get to her door, thanks him for walking her and tells him to have a good day at work the next day.
Being friends with her is really, really great, but being that he loves her and stuff, a lot of the time it really doesn't feel like enough.
... ... ...
She doesn't get the part she wanted. She cries because of it, something about Jane Fonda and stage experience and being too young to play someone's mother? He loses track and she's hard to understand when she's crying. And it sucks that they're on the phone right now, because he wants to, like, hug her and make her feel better, but he really doesn't know how.
So he does something kind of awesome and totally thoughtful and he thinks maybe these are the kinds of things he has to do to get her to realize this friendship/non-dating thing is stupid and she should just be his girlfriend.
He knows she's vegan and stuff, so he goes to the grocery store and gets the only kind of milk the guy there tells him is vegan. It's soy or something, whatever that is. Then he drives over to her place and her dads let him in, say she's very upset and she could probably use a friend. They see what he's carrying in his hands and direct him to the kitchen. They're kind of looking at him like he might be really sweet and stuff. That's kind of what he's going for, and if her dads can see it, then maybe she will, too.
He carries the plate and glass up to her room and knocks, walking in when she mumbles something that sounds like, "come in."
She's laying on her bed in his sweater and a little red pair of shorts, watching music videos on TV.
"Hey," he says quietly, and she finally looks over to see that it's him, not one of her dads.
"Hi. What is that?"
"Cookies and milk," he says with a shrug. Her eyes go all soft and stuff, and it looks like she stopped crying a while ago. "My mom always gave me Oreos and milk when I was upset and stuff. So I thought..."
"That's really sweet," she says, smiling as she sits up in her bed, crossing her legs.
"It's soy milk. The guy at the store said it was good."
She smiles even wider and takes the glass. "Thank you," she says, taking a sip. "I think Oreos contain egg product, though."
"Oh," he mutters, looking down at the plate. "Well, a little isn't going to hurt you, right? Like, one cookie? You'll feel so much better, I swear."
She giggles. "Are you trying to peer pressure me into eating an Oreo?"
He smiles a little and moves a little closer to her, putting the plate in front of her on the bed. "I just want you to be happy."
She takes another drink of milk and squeezes his hand once before handing him the remote so he can flip through the channels. He settles on some girly movie she'll probably love, and sits back against her headboard with his hands on his lap.
It's probably 20 minutes before she reaches out and takes one of the Oreos. He watches as she carefully dips it into the milk, then takes a bite. He definitely hears the little noise she lets out when she tastes it.
"See?" he says quietly, and she looks at him as she chews. "All better."
Probably not, really, but he still feels awesome because she doesn't cry anymore after that, and she's back to ranting about Anne Hathaway's crappy acting, and for once, he totally agrees. They change the channel and watch Transformers instead, which is awesome, except then she talks about how overrated Megan Fox is.
He's not really mad at her for making him miss basically the entire movie. Not when she curls up against him with her legs pulled up and her thighs brush his. He loops his arm around her shoulders and she hands him the plate of cookies so he can finish the rest.
She really does know him so well. He loves Oreos so much.
... ... ...
He sees her talking to Puck once when she's waiting outside Sheets 'N' Things. Puck's just coming on work when Finn's coming off, and Rachel's waiting for him in the parking lot like she said she would when she texted him earlier.
So yeah, she's talking to Puck. And whatever, he doesn't think she'd, like, do anything with the guy, but it's not like there's really anything stopping her. It's not like she has a boyfriend. He knows her well enough to know that she wouldn't just randomly start dating some guy without telling him.
Again.
Shit. She totally might. No. Not this time. Not after everything they've been through and what he said. And she told him she wants to be with him. That has to mean something. That means a lot. And they hang out, like, every day, practically.
So she's just talking to Puck. She laughs, and Puck looks kind of like he might not actually want to kill Rachel, which is totally weird, if you ask Finn. But they're just talking.
And when she sees him, she smiles and waves and turns totally away from Puck, and Finn feels pretty good about it. So good that as he's walking down the few stairs that lead to the employee parking lot, he stumbles a little and has to reach for the railing really fast so he doesn't face plant on the concrete.
Smooth.
Puck's laughing, but Rachel hits him on the arm and walks over to meet Finn halfway between the stairs and his car.
"I tripped," he admits.
She smiles and looks down, like his feet might be the problem and not the fact that he was just not paying attention. "I saw. Are you okay?"
"Yeah." He really loves her even more for never making fun of him when he does stupid stuff like that. "What do you wanna do?"
"I wore my bathing suit. We could go swimming at the lake if you want to," she says. He nods and puts his hand on her back as they walk to his car. He watches her tuck her hair behind her ear. It's really cute when she does that. "We can stop at your place first. I actually wanted to speak with Kurt about something. I was thinking..."
She talks about glee club the whole drive to his house, and then for another 20 minutes with Kurt in the kitchen. Finn thinks he might have to referee or something, but it's weird, 'cause those two are actually almost getting along or something. So when he gets bored and goes to change into his trunks he doesn't have to worry about jumping in and saving one of them.
And he'd definitely save Rachel. Sure, Kurt's almost his brother or whatever, but Rachel's his...
His Rachel.
... ... ...
Things are going really good. He thinks they're, like, really, really close to actually being a couple or something. He hopes so, because he's practically dying to kiss her, and it's hard sometimes not to. Like that day at the lake. Her black one piece bathing suit was way, way sexier than it probably should have been. Put her in it with her hair all wet? And add in some giggling and stuff? He almost died. He could have, totally. Or the other day when they went for 'ice cream' and she got a popsicle. Does he really have to explain that? The thing is, too, that she has pretty much no clue what she does to him. Maybe because she's acting totally normal and he's just, like, in love with her. She could just sit there and completely ignore him and he'd still want to grab her. You know, gently.
He's just getting really impatient. He gets why she wanted to wait and stuff, but it's been a month or whatever, and he thinks she's been single long enough that now she can try not being single. With him. They could not be single together. That sounds like basically the best idea ever.
"Hey, Rach?" he says one day when they're in his room. Garage. Whatever. She's on the floor, covered by an area rug that's way too nice to be in a garage, and he's on the bed. She's reading a book or something while he plays video games. It's kind of nice, just sitting around with her and not talking.
"Yes?"
"Come here," he says, smiling at her. She looks at him skeptically.
"What?" she asks.
"Just c'mere."
She gets up and walks over and he pulls her arm so she's sitting down next to him, then he wraps his arms around her. She hugs him back, which is awesome, and her hands feel really good on his back.
There's this little group of freckles on the back of her right shoulder that he's been staring at for, like, three weeks.
So he kisses it.
Finally.
"Finn," she says quietly.
"I've really wanted to do that," he admits, running his thumb over the spot, not looking at her face. "Friends kiss like that, right?"
She laughs a little and shakes her head. "Not really."
"Oh," he says. "What about a friend who loves the other friend?"
She sighs and stands up, playing with the bottom of her tank top. "Finn," she repeats, like she's disappointed or something. He waits for her to say more, because she usually does. "You can't just...We're supposed to be..."
"We're supposed to be together," he says seriously, because he knows it's true, and how does she not? She looks down and he sighs. "Come on, Rachel, this is crazy. You said..."
"I know what I said," she says quietly.
"So it's been a month, and I'm kinda dying here." She shoots him a look. He's not really exaggerating. "Is it crazy that I just wanna, like, be your boyfriend? 'Cause I don't think it is."
"It's not."
"So what's wrong?" he asks, because this is basically the second time they've had the conversation, and this one isn't going any better than the first. "I mean, if you don't want..."
"It's not that," she whispers.
He stands up so he's in front of her, and he really wants her to at least look at him, but she won't. "If you're not over Jesse, I get it, okay? Just tell me."
"Jesse has nothing to do with anything," she says seriously, finally looking up at him.
He rolls his eyes, which is probably not the best thing to do. "Whatever," he mumbles, because he's kind of out of things to say right now. He could tell her he loves her again, but she didn't exactly respond very well the last time, and he doesn't want to feel that feeling again, like his heart's sinking because she won't just say it back.
"Don't do that," she says softly. "I'm not trying to hurt you, Finn."
"You kind of are."
"I'm sorry!"
"I just want to know what's wrong," he says, sitting back down at the end of his bed.
"You are," she blurts out. Well, fuck. That was clear enough for him. Too clear. Ouch. She just looks at him, like she can't believe she just said that out loud. He's really waiting for her to explain herself, because he's probably got that broken heart thing people are always singing songs about, and it's not the best feeling in the world. "It's not that I don't want us to be together, Finn. It's just that...you really hurt me."
"I know," he says quietly. "And I'm really sorry about that."
"I know you are, but that doesn't mean you won't do it again."
"I won't."
"How can I be sure of that?" she asks desperately, forcing him to look at her. "How can you? This year has been...it's been awful, Finn. I can't lose you like I did before. Like I lost everyone else."
He doesn't really see the logic in that. She's not being with him so she can hold onto him, but he's getting frustrated because she's not with him.
"That's stupid," he says, brow furrowed as he looks at her.
Apparently that's the wrong thing to say. Her eyes get kind of wide, then she clenches her jaw and her chin starts quivering a little.
"Fine. It's stupid. I guess I'm just crazy to want to be sure you're not going to break my heart like you did before. Silly me for trying to avoid the whole painful process."
She bends down and grabs her bag, and jerks her hand away when he tries to take it. "Rachel."
"Don't. I'm just...I'm leaving."
She gets to the door before he stands up and walks towards her. "Rach, come on. I didn't mean..."
"It doesn't matter what you meant," she snaps, hand on the doorknob.
She pulls open the door and leaves, and all he can do is stand there and think that he really, really fucked that up. Like, badly.
All he wanted to say was that it's stupid that she's worried about losing him, because he's not going anywhere. She heard him wrong and now he's totally screwed.
He flops back onto his bed and closes his eyes. He really, really wonders if they'll ever get this whole thing right.
... ... ...
He tries to call her a couple hours later, but she doesn't answer. Then he texts her and she doesn't reply, so he doesn't try again until the next day. He's at work and he's not supposed to be using his phone, but Rachel is so much more important than a couple hundred dollars a week and a crazy boss who looks like she might want to lock him in a cage or something. But Rachel doesn't answer then, either. And it really sucks.
He leaves her a message the day after that. It's stupid, probably, because if she wanted to talk to him, she would have answered by now, but he figures if he doesn't try, he's just proving her right. If he doesn't explain that he just wants her, for good, he's just as bad as she's afraid he'll be.
"Rach, it's me. Look, I know you're mad, and I'm sorry, alright? I shouldn't have said it was stupid. It wasn't. I just wanna talk, okay? Call me and we'll talk. We should talk."
So maybe he sounded like an idiot, but at least he's a persistent idiot.
When she doesn't call back and another two days pass, he starts to get depressed. It's way too hot to sleep in the garage, so he ends up on the couch in the living room, and his mom kisses his forehead like he's a little kid or something, and you know what? It feels really nice. Not because he's a mama's boy (maybe only a little, but it's okay, 'cause she's all he's ever really had) but because he needs someone to remind him somehow that he's not a total screw up. And that's how he's felt since the day Rachel stormed out of his bedroom. Garage. Whatever.
He can't sleep, though. It's nice and cool; that's not the problem. The problem is that he can't stop thinking about Rachel. It's really nothing new, but this is totally different. It's not like before when he'd just picture her or remember something she'd said or think she'd sound really good singing that song he heard at work. He just misses her. Like, a lot. More than she'd ever even guess.
So he turns on the TV, because he doesn't really know what else to do and he can't just lay there anymore. Burt's practically addicted to The Discovery Channel, and Finn's kind of getting used to it. Sometimes he learns stuff, too, if he pays attention. He adjusts the volume so he doesn't wake up everyone in the house, and he lays there in his boxers and tee shirt on the sofa and tries not to think about Rachel. That guy from Dirty Jobs is talking about pulleys and levers (Finn thinks they might have learned about that in science or something, maybe).
Then he starts thinking about Rachel and how sad she looked the other day.
There's a part of him that wants to blame her, because if she hadn't been all serious about them waiting to be together, that whole stupid fight wouldn't have happened. They'd just be together, and maybe they'd argue about stupid stuff, like couples do, but at least they'd be a couple. At least he'd be able to, like, kiss her and apologize and take her flowers or do something to make her listen.
To be honest, these past however many days without her have really, really sucked and he just wants her back, even if she was never officially his. He knows she could be if he said the right things.
... ... ...
When he texts her and tells her he's coming over and she doesn't reply and tell him not to, he takes that as a good sign. He still doesn't really know if she'll actually listen to him, but he knows he has to try. Obviously he has to try.
She's home alone, and she's not allowed to have boys in the house without her dads there, so he suggests they go for a walk. It's better this way, maybe. At least she can't, like, yell at him and cry in public, right? Okay, she's Rachel, so she would, but he really doesn't think she will.
They've been walking for a couple minutes and she's got her arms crossed, and he really hates when she's all sad like this, because all he ever wants her to be is happy.
"I'm really sorry," he says quietly, looking over at her. She doesn't look up, but she nods.
"I heard your message. And got your texts."
"Yeah." He waits for her to talk, because she's so much better at it than he is, but she doesn't. It kind of freaks him out, but he figures he's the one who's got stuff to say, so maybe it's best that she's quiet right now. He stops walking and moves so he's standing in front of her. "Look, I know I really hurt you before. And...I dunno. I realized that really fast. You know that, 'cause I told you."
"I know, Finn, but..."
"Can I...do you mind if I finish?" he asks. She takes a deep breath and nods. "I know an apology doesn't make everything magically better or anything. I get why you're freaked out." She looks like she wants to say something. He gives her a chance to talk, but she doesn't take it. "I just really, really...love you. And saying it so much probably doesn't make you feel any better, but..."
"Actually, it does," she says quietly. She looks up at him through her eyelashes and he smiles, because yes, that's what he wanted to hear.
"Look, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not Jesse, and I'm not your mom. And I screwed up the first time, but I'm not gonna do it again."
"Do you mean that, Finn? Because if you don't mean it, don't make me believe that you do. Please," she says, shaking her head a little bit.
He takes another step closer, slides his hand down her arm from her elbow to her wrist. She looks down in time to see him wrap his fingers around hers. "I promise, Rachel," he says.
She takes a deep breath, and he really thinks she's going to pull her hand away, but she doesn't. "I really though I was over it, you know? What happened between us last time."
"Me being an ass?"
He smiles when she giggles. She's so cute it's crazy.
"I wouldn't exactly put it like that, but yes," she says, looking up at him. "But then the other day..."
"I was an ass again."
"No," she says, shaking her head. "You just scared me, that's all." He looks at her for a second, trying to figure out her logic behind that. She shrugs her shoulder. "If we aren't together, we can't break up."
"Oh," he says. "But if we aren't together, we can't, like, be together, either."
She laughs a little bit and closes the space between them, presses her face against his chest and pulls her hand from his only so she can wrap her arms around him. That's all good. That's all really, really good. He hugs her, puts his arms around her and leans down just a little bit so he's closer. She smells so good, like summer and sugar and oranges and Rachel. He's missed that.
Then when she pulls back and leans up on her toes to kiss him, he's kind of confused, but he kisses her back. Of course he kisses her back. He loves her and she seems to maybe finally want him the way he wants her, and she's kissing him, so he's gotta kiss her back. It's, like, a rule or something. Her hand moves up to his shoulder and his are on her back, touching her gently before one slips up to the back of her neck.
He's kissing her. He's kissing Rachel. On the sidewalk two houses down from hers.
When she pulls away a bit, he leans down and presses his forehead against hers. He opens his eyes and she leans back a bit, and she's wearing this really pretty smile and she licks her lips.
"Okay," he breathes out, because he has to say something and that's really all he can think of. She laughs quietly and he hugs her again. "So can I be your boyfriend yet? Because you just kissed me and stuff, so I'm thinking yes."
She nods and he lets her go a little bit. "Yes," she says quietly. "I would really like it if you were my boyfriend." He smiles so wide his cheeks hurt, and he doesn't care at all. "But I think I should go home now."
Wait. What?
"Why?"
"Because I should leave my fathers a note to tell them I'm at your house," she says, slipping her hand into his as she starts to walk backwards.
"We could go on a date or something if you want," he suggests, because now that she's actually his girlfriend (finally!) he wants to treat her like one.
She just shakes her head as they start walking together, side-by-side back to her house. "No, it's okay," she says, looking up at him, smiling. "I think we should just spend time together. Maybe alone in your room."
"Yeah." Dating such a smart girl is really going to be so good. "That sounds...awesome."
They hold hands the whole drive to his place, and when they get to his room and she immediately sits down on his bed, he knows today is the best day of his whole entire summer. Completely amazing.