Ryan, Shut Up and Kiss Me.
I wrote for oc_gambit who *challanged* someone to take the sentence
"Ryan, Just Shut Up and Kiss Me"
and TRY to make it convincing without being cheesy.
Who knows - you may end up calling me Chedder after this but I attempted that sentence twice
Here is the first one I wrote:
Title: The One
Rating: G (sorry)
For: Oc_gambit
Ryan chuckled as he headed over to the Student Center as Sandy’s words replayed in his head. “Just a small favor for the old man…”
No matter how old he gets, Ryan will still fall for that line every time.
Just a small favor…
Tutoring one of Sandy’s law students in calculus doesn’t sound like a small favor, especially a law student named Donna. It sounds more like another attempt at fixing Ryan up.
Easily Sandy’s fifth attempt in the past few months at finding Ryan ‘the one.’
No matter how many times Ryan tries to explain that he isn’t looking for ‘the one,’ Sandy, Kirsten, Seth and Summer won’t listen to him.
Sandy and Kirsten have each other.
Seth and Summer have each other.
Even Sophie Rose, as they all point out, has a preschool boyfriend named Jack.
So that somehow means Ryan must have someone, because, as they tell him, if his baby sister knows whom the love of her life is, then Ryan should as well.
Ryan has tried pointing out to them all (except Kirsten of course) that he’s ‘had’ more than one recently. A whole lot more than one.
Of course, Seth reacted as if Ryan were a God. A Love God. A lucky bastard Love God. But only when Summer wasn’t there.
Because Summer punched Ryan. Hard. Repeatedly. Then she called him a Man Whore.
Ryan is pretty sure there was a glint of pride in Sandy’s eyes as Sandy attempted to explain that eventually having random sex would get boring. Although he tried not to die of embarrassment listening to Sandy utter the words “random sex,” Ryan did promise that he’d think about it.
That, of course, was only to get Sandy off his back and keep Sandy from telling Kirsten about the random sex acts.
Unfortunately it didn’t work, as Ryan found out early one morning. Just as his latest fun time was leaving his dorm room, Kirsten showed up. Even as Bambi smacked her gum, Kirsten was cordial. She still smiled at Bambi and even offered to shake the girl’s hand; yet, Ryan noticed Kirsten didn’t refrain from correcting Bambi when she said goodbye to “Brian”.
After that, Ryan was pretty sure another fix up would be in the works.
Hence, the ‘small favor for the old man’ that has Ryan making his way over to the Student Center to tutor Donna. A nice girl. A sophomore from a few of Sandy’s law classes who was struggling in calculus. A future Sandy Cohen in the making, but only if she finds someone who excels in math to help her through the class.
In other words, White Knight Ryan to the rescue.
Ryan quickly resolves that he’s only going to help Donna. He’s the tutor. That’s all, nothing else. He’ll help her pass calculus so she can take over as the next Sandy Cohen, and Ryan can get back to the random sex acts of not finding ‘the one.’
That’s his solemn promise to himself as Ryan walks to and into the Student Center. He continues with this mantra as he scans the student lounge looking for this Failing Calculus Donna until he sees her, or at least the one he hopes is Donna.
The one with the shoulder length light brown hair, tucked behind one ear. Cute wire rimmed glasses resting on the bridge of her nose, chewing on the tip of her pencil and scratching the back of her neck as she glares at the math book in front of her.
As he stands there staring at her with his mouth slightly agape, Ryan reminds himself again that he’s the tutor. That’s all. Sure, she’s pretty, but she’s still one of Sandy’s students. One of his set ups. ‘The one’ or so Sandy and Kirsten would hope.
Ryan positions himself right in front of her table, trying to be subtle. Hoping she’ll notice without him having to say anything. Let him continue with the cool, like he doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t want to be helping her. Let her know that he’s only here because Sandy asked him to help…
She gives him a sideways glare, and Ryan feels his heart skip a beat. Whoa, he’s never met a girl who was able to give an effective sideways glare.
“Go away,” she barks. “I’m waiting for some math geek son. I don’t have time for frat boys.”
“No, that’s me,” Ryan says, his ‘coolness’ quickly being tossed out the window.
Donna glares again. “Me what? Frat boy? Let me guess- there’s this outrageous kegger that I totally can’t miss, right? Sorry, dude, not interested.”
“No,” Ryan says again, noticing that his voice actually cracks.
He clears his throat in an attempt to reclaim at least a small portion of his manhood. “I’m not a frat boy. I’m the math geek…um, tutor. I’m the math tutor. If you’re Donna, that is.”
Donna leans back, takes off her glasses and actually snickers at him. So much for the reclaiming of his manhood…
“Are you really a math tutor? Seriously? So tell me, which professor sent you?”
Ryan sits down next to Donna and smirks. Cute and feisty. Not a bad combination.
That is, if he was looking for someone, which he’s not. Especially not someone who was a set up. By Sandy, of all people.
Still, she is cute, and Ryan can never resist a challenge.
“Sandy Cohen asked that I help you because you’re failing calculus.”
Even though he’s still trying not to care, Ryan can’t help but notice that Donna looks even cuter when she gets embarrassed.
He’s not sure if she’s uncomfortable because she now knows he’s really the tutor who she’s just insulted or because he knows she’s failing calculus. Either way, the pink in her cheeks and the way she looks down at her book makes him sort of…excited.
“Sorry.” She’s still looking down at her book. “I just…didn’t expect Professor Cohen’s son to be…I mean, you’re not what I expected.”
When she looks up, Donna gives him a half smile, one of those I’m-embarrassed-I’m-sorry-I-have-no-idea-what-to-say-half smiles, and Ryan smiles back at her.
“So what were you expecting, if not a math tutor?”
And damn if Donna doesn’t get even cuter as she gets even more embarrassed. “Let’s just say the way your father talks about you, I wasn’t expecting you per se. More of a…um…mini Professor Cohen-ish type of a guy.”
“Oh, well, I look like my mom.” Ryan figures it’s not a lie. He does look like his mother. Just because said biological mother isn’t Kirsten Cohen and thus not married to Professor Cohen isn’t for Donna to know, especially if he’s only going to be the Math Tutor.
Maybe if they move past a tutor-student relationship…
Dropping that thought almost immediately, because no, Sandy will not set him up, Ryan goes straight to the subject of calculus. “So what are you having trouble with?”
Ryan can’t help but find it slightly adorable the way Donna throws down her pencil in disgust and glares at her evil book. “Calculus. I hate it. I don’t know why I even need to take it. Stupid core requirements. I want to be a lawyer, not a math gee…math type person.”
“Why don’t we start from the beginning? Show me what you’re working on, and I’ll see if I can maybe help.” Ryan takes the evil math book away from Donna and begins to scan the page.
Before Ryan knows it, two hours have passed, and he thinks he may have helped Donna at least a little bit with her calculus homework.
On top of the tutoring, he’s learned that she’s on a full scholarship, lives with her widowed father in San Francisco, has one brother currently stationed in Iraq and wants to major in child advocacy law.
Ryan also discovers that he doesn’t have to tell Donna too much about himself as Sandy has already taken care of that for him - except for the part that Ryan isn’t Sandy’s biological son. That, for some reason, Ryan also doesn’t feel the need to tell Donna.
Not now. Not after only one date…um, tutoring session.
As they leave the student center together, making plans to meet up the same time the next day and exchanging phone numbers just in case Donna has any questions, it happens.
Donna kicks at some gravel under her feet. “Look, I’m sorry about before, when we first met. Um, when I thought you were a frat boy trying to hit on me. See, there’s this expression that God doesn’t give with two hands…”
She shrugs off the rest of her statement, and Ryan suddenly realizes why their initial meeting felt familiar, who Donna reminds him of -
Lindsay, the girl he fell for his junior year of high school.
Lindsay, the girl who turned out to be Kirsten’s half sister from her father’s affair with Renee Wheeler.
Lindsay, the teenaged version of Kirsten because she was her half sister because of her father’s affair with Renee Wheeler.
Lindsay, the girl who was his psuedo aunt because she was Kirsten’s half sister because of her father’s affair with Renee Wheeler who left Newport and thus him when she decided she didn’t want to be related to any of them and who never called, wrote or even sent a Chrismukkah card ever again.
Ryan mentally kicks himself for having the slightest - briefest of thoughts that maybe Sandy was actually onto something here.
Donna isn’t going to be ‘the one.’ Nope. Ryan is not going to fall for Lindsay Gardner 2.0.
Just not going to happen.
Especially not with the way Seth still loves to remind Ryan that the reason he was so into Lindsay was because she was so much like her sister. That by falling for Lindsay, Ryan was really falling for his foster mother.
Very Oedipus of Ryan, according to Seth.
Ryan finds himself making excuses as he all but runs from Donna. When she says she’ll call him if she has any questions, Ryan doesn’t realize how lame his “if I’m not home, leave a message” is until he’s halfway to his class and remembers that he gave Donna his cell phone number.
He tries not to think about it - about her. About the way she sucked on her pencil when he explained an equation or the way she tilted her head to one side as he showed her a few short cuts to solving the problems.
And Ryan certainly tries not to think about the way she made him feel in those two hours. He hasn’t felt like that in a long time, and he isn’t sure he wants to feel like that again.
Not now and certainly not with a girl who reminds him of Lindsay, the psuedo aunt who was just like her sister-his foster mother.
The next day when they meet, Ryan is intentionally ten minutes late and only stays for an hour. He also sits on the other side of the table instead of next to Donna and only discusses math and nothing else.
The time after that, Ryan is twelve minutes late and offers only a lame apology.
By the end of the week, Ryan is a steadfast fifteen minutes late and is leaving after only forty-five minutes.
He’s not sure if he’s helping Donna at all, but he doesn’t stop to allow himself time to think much about it. Or her. Definitely doesn’t want to stop and think about her.
Instead, Ryan busies himself with several acts of random sex with a number of different randoms.
Unfortunately, as Sandy so fatherly predicted - these indiscriminate acts of sexually not looking for the one quickly gets old, especially given the fact neither of Ryan’s heads can stop focusing on Donna.
Ryan can use the head on his shoulders to rationalize why Donna isn’t the one he should be thinking about. His other ‘head’ stirs at the mere thought of her, and Ryan knows which head will eventually win out.
For the first time in two weeks, Ryan gets to the Student Center on time, only to discover Donna isn’t there. He decides to wait, since he knows midterms are coming up, and she’ll probably need his help.
After ten minutes, Ryan gets two cups of coffee and is surprised to realize he knows that Donna likes her coffee light with two sugars and one Equal. He also remembers that she likes her bagel with the butter on the side and buys one of those as well.
After twenty minutes, Ryan wonders if something happened and if Donna is coming at all. He decides to give it a few more minutes as he picks on her bagel.
After forty-five minutes, he knows she’s not coming. He dumps her now cold coffee and the remains of her bagel with butter on the side and heads for the legal studies building.
Ryan knows she has Sandy’s class today and figures he’ll try to catch up with her after.
When Ryan sees her coming out of the building, his heart again skips that beat that always seems to happen whenever he sees Donna.
She looks really cute wearing her sunglasses on the top of her head, her arms cradling the law books he knows she loves so much. Her ever present chewed on pencil is behind her right ear. The pink flip-flops she seems to like are ‘flip-flopping’ as Donna walks towards him.
Ryan gives his standard, “hey,” to which she answers, “yeah, hey.”
“Look, I’m sorry about being late and stuff,” Ryan starts. “I’ve…ah…been sorta preoccupied.”
“Yes, I kind of got that. I saw a few of your preoccupations. Personally, the one with the double D silicone breasts was my favorite. What was she? 35? 40 years old? Nice.”
It wasn’t so much her sneer as it was her eye roll that Ryan could have done without, and her sarcastic tone? Really not appreciated. Deserved, definitely well deserved, but not appreciated.
Ryan knows his face is red with embarrassment but still hopes to change the subject. “I’m here now. If you have the time now, I can help you study.”
Now added to her sneer and her eye roll is the snort. “Yeah. Um, thanks but no thanks. Professor Cohen says he knows another student who may be able to help me since you’re obviously too preoccupied.”
“Professor… Professor Cohen?” Well, Ryan figures that can’t be good.
“Oh, and that reminds me,” Donna says, the sarcasm still thick in her voice. “He says to tell you he’d like a word with you if I happen to see you.”
No sooner does Donna finish her sentence then Ryan’s front pocket starts ringing “Grease Lightening,” and Ryan knows his day is about to get worse.
Groaning to himself, Ryan makes his way to Sandy’s classroom. He can tell just by the way Sandy’s bushy eyebrows are furrowed into one long annoyed looking brow that this is not going to be good at all.
Sandy begins his lecture before Ryan is even sitting down. “Look, I get that you’re an adult, and I get that you’re going to make your own decisions about your life, but was it really too much to ask that you help one of my best students?”
When Ryan remains quiet, Sandy continues. “If you didn’t like this girl, why couldn’t you have come to me? I wasn’t asking you to marry her. Hell, I wasn’t even asking you to date her. I was just asking you to help her pass calculus.”
Still, Ryan remains silent as he looks down at his folded hands, and Sandy keeps going. “Instead, you blow her off. She has to come tell me that she needs another tutor because hers is too busy getting busy. With girls…women…old enough to date me! Women that I highly doubt will be coming over for family dinners any time soon.”
Well, Ryan figures, at least Sandy hasn’t said ‘random sex’ yet. Of course, he is doing a pretty good job at lying on a thick layer of guilt, which only gets worse as Sandy’s rant continues.
“She’s on a scholarship. Did you know that? She has to maintain a certain grade point average, or she’ll lose that scholarship. I thought you could help her. I thought you’d want to help her. I guess… I guess I was wrong.”
Ryan starts to apologize but only gets as far as, “Sandy, I’m sorry” before Sandy shuts his briefcase and sighs loudly.
“I have to get over to the math department and see if Professor Gambit knows of any one who can help Donna. If you’d like to come home for dinner tonight or tomorrow night, we can continue this discussion then.”
Sandy pauses long enough to look at Ryan as he shakes his head. “I hope you’re at least practicing safe sex, even if your choice of partners isn’t all that wise.”
Oh yeah. As if Ryan weren’t already totally ashamed, Sandy has to throw that at him as well.
Sandy’s almost out the door before Ryan pulls himself together and follows behind. “Sandy. Wait. You don’t need to go to the math department. I’ll do it.”
At least Sandy stops long enough to look at him as Ryan clarifies. “I mean I’ll be the tutor. Donna’s tutor. I’ll help her study.”
“Not if you don’t respect her enough to show up on time. Especially not with your own midterms coming up as well, not to mention your other extra curricular activities.”
Damn if Sandy somehow manages to make the words ‘extra curricular activities’ sound perverted.
Ryan tries not to fumble his words as he looks past Sandy, talking instead to the wall just behind Sandy’s head. “It’s not that... I mean I don’t know…I, ah. It’s fine. I can help her.”
When he finally looks at Sandy, Ryan notices that he’s studying Ryan’s face, looking for some sort of unspoken clue. He hates when Sandy does that.
Instead of looking at Sandy or just past Sandy, Ryan looks down at his feet. He can’t really explain it; yet he knows Sandy’s going to want him to discuss it.
Sure enough, he feels Sandy’s pat on his arm. “Come on, kid, what’s going on? This isn’t like you. Talk to me. What is it about Donna that you don’t like? Did she say something? Do something? She seemed nice, and she needed help. You’ve always been strong in math. I thought you could help her. Is it too much for you with your studies? ”
The way Sandy looks at him, so hopeful that Ryan will open up and spill his guts; Ryan knows he has to at least try. If for no other reason so Sandy will stop thinking of him as some sort of Evil Tutored Student Dumping Man Whore.
“I don’t hate Donna. I like her. She’s nice. But…” Ryan still can’t help but look down at his feet. When he does finally look up and look directly at the man, Ryan hopes he can get Sandy to understand.
“But doesn’t she remind you of someone?”
Unfortunately, Sandy stares blankly at Ryan. He’ll actually have to say more.
”From my past.”
Still the continued blank look.
”Someone I dated.”
Finally Ryan can literally see the proverbial light bulb go off over Sandy’s head, followed almost immediately by Sandy’s standard look of compassion.
“Is that what this is all about? You think Donna is like Taylor?”
“A little, I guess,” Sandy continues after a beat. “But only in the nicest of ways. She has that same wide-eyed innocence and genuine sweet nature, without any of Taylor’s…um…eccentricities.”
Ryan doesn’t mean to sigh, but Taylor? “No, not Taylor. She doesn’t remind me at all of Taylor. Someone else…”
Again, Ryan is hopeful that Sandy will get it. Will understand where he’s coming from without having to actually express himself.
When Sandy says, “Oh kid. Just because Donna needs help in calculus, that doesn’t mean she needs to be saved. She’s not…she’s not like that,” Ryan’s not really sure how to answer, because that…her? Totally not what he was expecting.
“No!” Ryan almost shouts his answer. “No, not…not her.” He sometimes wonders when any of them will be able to say her name. However, today is not the day to start.
Apparently, Sandy must feel the same way, because the look of relief is all over his face. “Oh, okay. Then, um, good. That’s good. So, who? Theresa?”
“No, not Theresa.”
It only takes Sandy a split second of thinking. “Oh! I get it. You think Donna is like Sadie. Now I see it. Sure, Sadie. Very down to earth, soulful. Of course - Sadie.”
Ryan runs his hands over his face and groans. “No, not Sadie. Not Theresa. Not Taylor. Not…not any of those girls. Lindsay. She reminds me of Lindsay.”
“Gardner?”
It takes everything Ryan has not to say, “No. Lohan,” because of course he means Lindsay Gardner.
Sandy, however, is shaking his head ever so slightly. “Lindsay? Huh. Can’t say that I see that comparison. What makes you think of Lindsay when you see Donna?”
“Well.” Ryan has to think about it for a moment, try and figure out how to put it into words. “The first time we met, she was kind of rude. Well, not rude. More like sarcastic. Ok, so not so much sarcastic as condescending. And…um…Oh, and she insulted me. Thought I was a frat boy.”
Ryan can tell just by the way Sandy is looking at him that he still doesn’t get it. Sure enough, Sandy’s “Is that it?” makes Ryan feel foolish.
“No. That’s not it.” Ryan has to again think about how he should word this so Sandy finally Gets. It.
“The first time we met,” Ryan continues. “She used this expression that Lindsay also said. You know ‘God doesn’t give with both hands.’ Lindsay used to say that.”
Again, with the way Sandy is looking at him, Ryan begins to wonder if he isn’t going crazy.
“Ryan.” Sandy starts slowly, as if Ryan truly is nuts. “I’ve used that expression. Seth has used that expression. A lot of people have used that expression. Do we all remind you of Lindsay?”
“No.”
“So a couple of things Donna said or did reminded you of Lindsay. Ok. I still don’t see the problem. I mean, I know Lindsay hurt you when she left, and I know that whole Lindsay was Caleb’s illegitimate daughter was very difficult, and…oh.”
Again, Ryan could almost see that little light bulb on the top of Sandy’s head as he continues.
“And kissing Lindsay was like kissing your sister. Or, in your case, kissing your aunt.”
Eur-freaking-reka! Finally, Ryan can breath a sigh of relief. Finally, Sandy gets it.
“So? Is kissing Donna like kissing Lindsay, which was like kissing your aunt?”
Or maybe he doesn’t.
“I…I don’t know.” Ryan can’t believe he’s actually stuttering. “I never kissed Donna. We’ve only studied. That’s it.”
Again it’s that way Sandy has of staring at Ryan that always makes Ryan sometimes question his own sanity.
“So let me get this straight,” Sandy again starts slowly. “You’ve only tutored Donna. Never been on a date. Never kissed. Never anything. But because she also says a phrase that Lindsay once said when you were sixteen, and she was a little on the- what did you call it? Condescending? That means she’s just like Lindsay, and you couldn’t possibly see anything in her. Otherwise, you’d be dating your aunt again.”
Ryan can see Sandy trying not to snicker, which wasn’t hard; given the fact Sandy isn’t doing a very good job at hiding it. “So what you’re really saying is you think Seth is right…”
“No!” Again Ryan finds himself almost shouting his answer. “I’m not saying Seth is right. I’m just saying…I mean, I think… I don’t know what I think.”
“Want to know what I think?” Sandy sounds serious as he places his hand back on Ryan’s shoulder.
That in turn makes Ryan snicker. Certainly of all of Sandy’s platitudes, “Want to know what I think” is the most rhetorical of them all. He’s going to tell Ryan what he thinks whether Ryan wants him to or not.
Naturally, Sandy continues despite Ryan’s snicker. “Well, I’m going to tell you anyway. We both know your relationship history is rocky at best. You’ve been serious with some pretty great girls, but circumstances have never been too kind to you. You broke up with Taylor this last time about a year ago. Since then, you’ve been with a whole slew of women including a few you know you’d never get past The Kirsten, trying desperately not to find anyone to care about past the night.”
Ryan again feels his face getting red as he looks down at the ground. With the Cohens living in Berkeley and Sandy working at the school, there is no way he can really hide the fact that he’s been sleeping around. Some things however, even in the Land of the Cohens, really should be kept a secret.
If Sandy notices Ryan’s discomfort, he doesn’t seem to care. “But you finally find someone who you may actually want to get to know better, and that scares the hell out of you. So you decide she’s too much like an old girlfriend, and you pick the one old girlfriend who you think would make it morally wrong to date.”
When Ryan furrows his eyebrows, trying to take in what Sandy has said, Sandy adds, “It’s either that, or Seth is right. You decide.”
“So? What do I do?”
Again, Sandy pats Ryan on his shoulder. “Talk to her. I know Donna said she’d be at the library tonight trying to study for midterms. Go talk to her.”
“And tell her what exactly? I mean I wouldn’t even begin to know how to try to explain everything to her.” Ryan can’t help his shoulders sagging. Sandy makes it sound so simple, but Ryan knows nothing is ever that easy.
“Tell her however little or however much you want. It’s your story to tell. But remember one thing -- any lasting relationship is built on trust.” Sandy puts his arm around Ryan as they begin to leave the classroom.
“You know,” Ryan says, “she could tell me to go to hell.”
“Or,” Sandy counters, “she could look deep into your eyes and say, ‘Ryan, just shut up and kiss me.’ There’s only one way to find out.”
Later that night, as Ryan attempts to explain the whole mess to Donna, he’s actually a little disappointed that she doesn’t tell him to kiss her. But at least she doesn’t tell him to go to hell either.
She does finally kiss him when she receives a “B+” in calculus - something she didn’t think would have been possible.
Since meeting Donna, Ryan hasn't had the urge for random sex acts of not finding the one. In fact, thanks to Sandy, he might just have found The One.
The End.
Much thanks to finlee for the fixer-uppers, and to ctoan who also corrected my grammer stupids and changed my last sentence to make it better.
And for organizing this challange and totally making it due on her birthday!!!!!
Just call me Chedder. Gimme a minute and I'll post the other one - don't know how to post more than one story on one post (Computer stoopid is difficult)
"Ryan, Just Shut Up and Kiss Me"
and TRY to make it convincing without being cheesy.
Who knows - you may end up calling me Chedder after this but I attempted that sentence twice
Here is the first one I wrote:
Title: The One
Rating: G (sorry)
For: Oc_gambit
Ryan chuckled as he headed over to the Student Center as Sandy’s words replayed in his head. “Just a small favor for the old man…”
No matter how old he gets, Ryan will still fall for that line every time.
Just a small favor…
Tutoring one of Sandy’s law students in calculus doesn’t sound like a small favor, especially a law student named Donna. It sounds more like another attempt at fixing Ryan up.
Easily Sandy’s fifth attempt in the past few months at finding Ryan ‘the one.’
No matter how many times Ryan tries to explain that he isn’t looking for ‘the one,’ Sandy, Kirsten, Seth and Summer won’t listen to him.
Sandy and Kirsten have each other.
Seth and Summer have each other.
Even Sophie Rose, as they all point out, has a preschool boyfriend named Jack.
So that somehow means Ryan must have someone, because, as they tell him, if his baby sister knows whom the love of her life is, then Ryan should as well.
Ryan has tried pointing out to them all (except Kirsten of course) that he’s ‘had’ more than one recently. A whole lot more than one.
Of course, Seth reacted as if Ryan were a God. A Love God. A lucky bastard Love God. But only when Summer wasn’t there.
Because Summer punched Ryan. Hard. Repeatedly. Then she called him a Man Whore.
Ryan is pretty sure there was a glint of pride in Sandy’s eyes as Sandy attempted to explain that eventually having random sex would get boring. Although he tried not to die of embarrassment listening to Sandy utter the words “random sex,” Ryan did promise that he’d think about it.
That, of course, was only to get Sandy off his back and keep Sandy from telling Kirsten about the random sex acts.
Unfortunately it didn’t work, as Ryan found out early one morning. Just as his latest fun time was leaving his dorm room, Kirsten showed up. Even as Bambi smacked her gum, Kirsten was cordial. She still smiled at Bambi and even offered to shake the girl’s hand; yet, Ryan noticed Kirsten didn’t refrain from correcting Bambi when she said goodbye to “Brian”.
After that, Ryan was pretty sure another fix up would be in the works.
Hence, the ‘small favor for the old man’ that has Ryan making his way over to the Student Center to tutor Donna. A nice girl. A sophomore from a few of Sandy’s law classes who was struggling in calculus. A future Sandy Cohen in the making, but only if she finds someone who excels in math to help her through the class.
In other words, White Knight Ryan to the rescue.
Ryan quickly resolves that he’s only going to help Donna. He’s the tutor. That’s all, nothing else. He’ll help her pass calculus so she can take over as the next Sandy Cohen, and Ryan can get back to the random sex acts of not finding ‘the one.’
That’s his solemn promise to himself as Ryan walks to and into the Student Center. He continues with this mantra as he scans the student lounge looking for this Failing Calculus Donna until he sees her, or at least the one he hopes is Donna.
The one with the shoulder length light brown hair, tucked behind one ear. Cute wire rimmed glasses resting on the bridge of her nose, chewing on the tip of her pencil and scratching the back of her neck as she glares at the math book in front of her.
As he stands there staring at her with his mouth slightly agape, Ryan reminds himself again that he’s the tutor. That’s all. Sure, she’s pretty, but she’s still one of Sandy’s students. One of his set ups. ‘The one’ or so Sandy and Kirsten would hope.
Ryan positions himself right in front of her table, trying to be subtle. Hoping she’ll notice without him having to say anything. Let him continue with the cool, like he doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t want to be helping her. Let her know that he’s only here because Sandy asked him to help…
She gives him a sideways glare, and Ryan feels his heart skip a beat. Whoa, he’s never met a girl who was able to give an effective sideways glare.
“Go away,” she barks. “I’m waiting for some math geek son. I don’t have time for frat boys.”
“No, that’s me,” Ryan says, his ‘coolness’ quickly being tossed out the window.
Donna glares again. “Me what? Frat boy? Let me guess- there’s this outrageous kegger that I totally can’t miss, right? Sorry, dude, not interested.”
“No,” Ryan says again, noticing that his voice actually cracks.
He clears his throat in an attempt to reclaim at least a small portion of his manhood. “I’m not a frat boy. I’m the math geek…um, tutor. I’m the math tutor. If you’re Donna, that is.”
Donna leans back, takes off her glasses and actually snickers at him. So much for the reclaiming of his manhood…
“Are you really a math tutor? Seriously? So tell me, which professor sent you?”
Ryan sits down next to Donna and smirks. Cute and feisty. Not a bad combination.
That is, if he was looking for someone, which he’s not. Especially not someone who was a set up. By Sandy, of all people.
Still, she is cute, and Ryan can never resist a challenge.
“Sandy Cohen asked that I help you because you’re failing calculus.”
Even though he’s still trying not to care, Ryan can’t help but notice that Donna looks even cuter when she gets embarrassed.
He’s not sure if she’s uncomfortable because she now knows he’s really the tutor who she’s just insulted or because he knows she’s failing calculus. Either way, the pink in her cheeks and the way she looks down at her book makes him sort of…excited.
“Sorry.” She’s still looking down at her book. “I just…didn’t expect Professor Cohen’s son to be…I mean, you’re not what I expected.”
When she looks up, Donna gives him a half smile, one of those I’m-embarrassed-I’m-sorry-I-have-no-idea-what-to-say-half smiles, and Ryan smiles back at her.
“So what were you expecting, if not a math tutor?”
And damn if Donna doesn’t get even cuter as she gets even more embarrassed. “Let’s just say the way your father talks about you, I wasn’t expecting you per se. More of a…um…mini Professor Cohen-ish type of a guy.”
“Oh, well, I look like my mom.” Ryan figures it’s not a lie. He does look like his mother. Just because said biological mother isn’t Kirsten Cohen and thus not married to Professor Cohen isn’t for Donna to know, especially if he’s only going to be the Math Tutor.
Maybe if they move past a tutor-student relationship…
Dropping that thought almost immediately, because no, Sandy will not set him up, Ryan goes straight to the subject of calculus. “So what are you having trouble with?”
Ryan can’t help but find it slightly adorable the way Donna throws down her pencil in disgust and glares at her evil book. “Calculus. I hate it. I don’t know why I even need to take it. Stupid core requirements. I want to be a lawyer, not a math gee…math type person.”
“Why don’t we start from the beginning? Show me what you’re working on, and I’ll see if I can maybe help.” Ryan takes the evil math book away from Donna and begins to scan the page.
Before Ryan knows it, two hours have passed, and he thinks he may have helped Donna at least a little bit with her calculus homework.
On top of the tutoring, he’s learned that she’s on a full scholarship, lives with her widowed father in San Francisco, has one brother currently stationed in Iraq and wants to major in child advocacy law.
Ryan also discovers that he doesn’t have to tell Donna too much about himself as Sandy has already taken care of that for him - except for the part that Ryan isn’t Sandy’s biological son. That, for some reason, Ryan also doesn’t feel the need to tell Donna.
Not now. Not after only one date…um, tutoring session.
As they leave the student center together, making plans to meet up the same time the next day and exchanging phone numbers just in case Donna has any questions, it happens.
Donna kicks at some gravel under her feet. “Look, I’m sorry about before, when we first met. Um, when I thought you were a frat boy trying to hit on me. See, there’s this expression that God doesn’t give with two hands…”
She shrugs off the rest of her statement, and Ryan suddenly realizes why their initial meeting felt familiar, who Donna reminds him of -
Lindsay, the girl he fell for his junior year of high school.
Lindsay, the girl who turned out to be Kirsten’s half sister from her father’s affair with Renee Wheeler.
Lindsay, the teenaged version of Kirsten because she was her half sister because of her father’s affair with Renee Wheeler.
Lindsay, the girl who was his psuedo aunt because she was Kirsten’s half sister because of her father’s affair with Renee Wheeler who left Newport and thus him when she decided she didn’t want to be related to any of them and who never called, wrote or even sent a Chrismukkah card ever again.
Ryan mentally kicks himself for having the slightest - briefest of thoughts that maybe Sandy was actually onto something here.
Donna isn’t going to be ‘the one.’ Nope. Ryan is not going to fall for Lindsay Gardner 2.0.
Just not going to happen.
Especially not with the way Seth still loves to remind Ryan that the reason he was so into Lindsay was because she was so much like her sister. That by falling for Lindsay, Ryan was really falling for his foster mother.
Very Oedipus of Ryan, according to Seth.
Ryan finds himself making excuses as he all but runs from Donna. When she says she’ll call him if she has any questions, Ryan doesn’t realize how lame his “if I’m not home, leave a message” is until he’s halfway to his class and remembers that he gave Donna his cell phone number.
He tries not to think about it - about her. About the way she sucked on her pencil when he explained an equation or the way she tilted her head to one side as he showed her a few short cuts to solving the problems.
And Ryan certainly tries not to think about the way she made him feel in those two hours. He hasn’t felt like that in a long time, and he isn’t sure he wants to feel like that again.
Not now and certainly not with a girl who reminds him of Lindsay, the psuedo aunt who was just like her sister-his foster mother.
The next day when they meet, Ryan is intentionally ten minutes late and only stays for an hour. He also sits on the other side of the table instead of next to Donna and only discusses math and nothing else.
The time after that, Ryan is twelve minutes late and offers only a lame apology.
By the end of the week, Ryan is a steadfast fifteen minutes late and is leaving after only forty-five minutes.
He’s not sure if he’s helping Donna at all, but he doesn’t stop to allow himself time to think much about it. Or her. Definitely doesn’t want to stop and think about her.
Instead, Ryan busies himself with several acts of random sex with a number of different randoms.
Unfortunately, as Sandy so fatherly predicted - these indiscriminate acts of sexually not looking for the one quickly gets old, especially given the fact neither of Ryan’s heads can stop focusing on Donna.
Ryan can use the head on his shoulders to rationalize why Donna isn’t the one he should be thinking about. His other ‘head’ stirs at the mere thought of her, and Ryan knows which head will eventually win out.
For the first time in two weeks, Ryan gets to the Student Center on time, only to discover Donna isn’t there. He decides to wait, since he knows midterms are coming up, and she’ll probably need his help.
After ten minutes, Ryan gets two cups of coffee and is surprised to realize he knows that Donna likes her coffee light with two sugars and one Equal. He also remembers that she likes her bagel with the butter on the side and buys one of those as well.
After twenty minutes, Ryan wonders if something happened and if Donna is coming at all. He decides to give it a few more minutes as he picks on her bagel.
After forty-five minutes, he knows she’s not coming. He dumps her now cold coffee and the remains of her bagel with butter on the side and heads for the legal studies building.
Ryan knows she has Sandy’s class today and figures he’ll try to catch up with her after.
When Ryan sees her coming out of the building, his heart again skips that beat that always seems to happen whenever he sees Donna.
She looks really cute wearing her sunglasses on the top of her head, her arms cradling the law books he knows she loves so much. Her ever present chewed on pencil is behind her right ear. The pink flip-flops she seems to like are ‘flip-flopping’ as Donna walks towards him.
Ryan gives his standard, “hey,” to which she answers, “yeah, hey.”
“Look, I’m sorry about being late and stuff,” Ryan starts. “I’ve…ah…been sorta preoccupied.”
“Yes, I kind of got that. I saw a few of your preoccupations. Personally, the one with the double D silicone breasts was my favorite. What was she? 35? 40 years old? Nice.”
It wasn’t so much her sneer as it was her eye roll that Ryan could have done without, and her sarcastic tone? Really not appreciated. Deserved, definitely well deserved, but not appreciated.
Ryan knows his face is red with embarrassment but still hopes to change the subject. “I’m here now. If you have the time now, I can help you study.”
Now added to her sneer and her eye roll is the snort. “Yeah. Um, thanks but no thanks. Professor Cohen says he knows another student who may be able to help me since you’re obviously too preoccupied.”
“Professor… Professor Cohen?” Well, Ryan figures that can’t be good.
“Oh, and that reminds me,” Donna says, the sarcasm still thick in her voice. “He says to tell you he’d like a word with you if I happen to see you.”
No sooner does Donna finish her sentence then Ryan’s front pocket starts ringing “Grease Lightening,” and Ryan knows his day is about to get worse.
Groaning to himself, Ryan makes his way to Sandy’s classroom. He can tell just by the way Sandy’s bushy eyebrows are furrowed into one long annoyed looking brow that this is not going to be good at all.
Sandy begins his lecture before Ryan is even sitting down. “Look, I get that you’re an adult, and I get that you’re going to make your own decisions about your life, but was it really too much to ask that you help one of my best students?”
When Ryan remains quiet, Sandy continues. “If you didn’t like this girl, why couldn’t you have come to me? I wasn’t asking you to marry her. Hell, I wasn’t even asking you to date her. I was just asking you to help her pass calculus.”
Still, Ryan remains silent as he looks down at his folded hands, and Sandy keeps going. “Instead, you blow her off. She has to come tell me that she needs another tutor because hers is too busy getting busy. With girls…women…old enough to date me! Women that I highly doubt will be coming over for family dinners any time soon.”
Well, Ryan figures, at least Sandy hasn’t said ‘random sex’ yet. Of course, he is doing a pretty good job at lying on a thick layer of guilt, which only gets worse as Sandy’s rant continues.
“She’s on a scholarship. Did you know that? She has to maintain a certain grade point average, or she’ll lose that scholarship. I thought you could help her. I thought you’d want to help her. I guess… I guess I was wrong.”
Ryan starts to apologize but only gets as far as, “Sandy, I’m sorry” before Sandy shuts his briefcase and sighs loudly.
“I have to get over to the math department and see if Professor Gambit knows of any one who can help Donna. If you’d like to come home for dinner tonight or tomorrow night, we can continue this discussion then.”
Sandy pauses long enough to look at Ryan as he shakes his head. “I hope you’re at least practicing safe sex, even if your choice of partners isn’t all that wise.”
Oh yeah. As if Ryan weren’t already totally ashamed, Sandy has to throw that at him as well.
Sandy’s almost out the door before Ryan pulls himself together and follows behind. “Sandy. Wait. You don’t need to go to the math department. I’ll do it.”
At least Sandy stops long enough to look at him as Ryan clarifies. “I mean I’ll be the tutor. Donna’s tutor. I’ll help her study.”
“Not if you don’t respect her enough to show up on time. Especially not with your own midterms coming up as well, not to mention your other extra curricular activities.”
Damn if Sandy somehow manages to make the words ‘extra curricular activities’ sound perverted.
Ryan tries not to fumble his words as he looks past Sandy, talking instead to the wall just behind Sandy’s head. “It’s not that... I mean I don’t know…I, ah. It’s fine. I can help her.”
When he finally looks at Sandy, Ryan notices that he’s studying Ryan’s face, looking for some sort of unspoken clue. He hates when Sandy does that.
Instead of looking at Sandy or just past Sandy, Ryan looks down at his feet. He can’t really explain it; yet he knows Sandy’s going to want him to discuss it.
Sure enough, he feels Sandy’s pat on his arm. “Come on, kid, what’s going on? This isn’t like you. Talk to me. What is it about Donna that you don’t like? Did she say something? Do something? She seemed nice, and she needed help. You’ve always been strong in math. I thought you could help her. Is it too much for you with your studies? ”
The way Sandy looks at him, so hopeful that Ryan will open up and spill his guts; Ryan knows he has to at least try. If for no other reason so Sandy will stop thinking of him as some sort of Evil Tutored Student Dumping Man Whore.
“I don’t hate Donna. I like her. She’s nice. But…” Ryan still can’t help but look down at his feet. When he does finally look up and look directly at the man, Ryan hopes he can get Sandy to understand.
“But doesn’t she remind you of someone?”
Unfortunately, Sandy stares blankly at Ryan. He’ll actually have to say more.
”From my past.”
Still the continued blank look.
”Someone I dated.”
Finally Ryan can literally see the proverbial light bulb go off over Sandy’s head, followed almost immediately by Sandy’s standard look of compassion.
“Is that what this is all about? You think Donna is like Taylor?”
“A little, I guess,” Sandy continues after a beat. “But only in the nicest of ways. She has that same wide-eyed innocence and genuine sweet nature, without any of Taylor’s…um…eccentricities.”
Ryan doesn’t mean to sigh, but Taylor? “No, not Taylor. She doesn’t remind me at all of Taylor. Someone else…”
Again, Ryan is hopeful that Sandy will get it. Will understand where he’s coming from without having to actually express himself.
When Sandy says, “Oh kid. Just because Donna needs help in calculus, that doesn’t mean she needs to be saved. She’s not…she’s not like that,” Ryan’s not really sure how to answer, because that…her? Totally not what he was expecting.
“No!” Ryan almost shouts his answer. “No, not…not her.” He sometimes wonders when any of them will be able to say her name. However, today is not the day to start.
Apparently, Sandy must feel the same way, because the look of relief is all over his face. “Oh, okay. Then, um, good. That’s good. So, who? Theresa?”
“No, not Theresa.”
It only takes Sandy a split second of thinking. “Oh! I get it. You think Donna is like Sadie. Now I see it. Sure, Sadie. Very down to earth, soulful. Of course - Sadie.”
Ryan runs his hands over his face and groans. “No, not Sadie. Not Theresa. Not Taylor. Not…not any of those girls. Lindsay. She reminds me of Lindsay.”
“Gardner?”
It takes everything Ryan has not to say, “No. Lohan,” because of course he means Lindsay Gardner.
Sandy, however, is shaking his head ever so slightly. “Lindsay? Huh. Can’t say that I see that comparison. What makes you think of Lindsay when you see Donna?”
“Well.” Ryan has to think about it for a moment, try and figure out how to put it into words. “The first time we met, she was kind of rude. Well, not rude. More like sarcastic. Ok, so not so much sarcastic as condescending. And…um…Oh, and she insulted me. Thought I was a frat boy.”
Ryan can tell just by the way Sandy is looking at him that he still doesn’t get it. Sure enough, Sandy’s “Is that it?” makes Ryan feel foolish.
“No. That’s not it.” Ryan has to again think about how he should word this so Sandy finally Gets. It.
“The first time we met,” Ryan continues. “She used this expression that Lindsay also said. You know ‘God doesn’t give with both hands.’ Lindsay used to say that.”
Again, with the way Sandy is looking at him, Ryan begins to wonder if he isn’t going crazy.
“Ryan.” Sandy starts slowly, as if Ryan truly is nuts. “I’ve used that expression. Seth has used that expression. A lot of people have used that expression. Do we all remind you of Lindsay?”
“No.”
“So a couple of things Donna said or did reminded you of Lindsay. Ok. I still don’t see the problem. I mean, I know Lindsay hurt you when she left, and I know that whole Lindsay was Caleb’s illegitimate daughter was very difficult, and…oh.”
Again, Ryan could almost see that little light bulb on the top of Sandy’s head as he continues.
“And kissing Lindsay was like kissing your sister. Or, in your case, kissing your aunt.”
Eur-freaking-reka! Finally, Ryan can breath a sigh of relief. Finally, Sandy gets it.
“So? Is kissing Donna like kissing Lindsay, which was like kissing your aunt?”
Or maybe he doesn’t.
“I…I don’t know.” Ryan can’t believe he’s actually stuttering. “I never kissed Donna. We’ve only studied. That’s it.”
Again it’s that way Sandy has of staring at Ryan that always makes Ryan sometimes question his own sanity.
“So let me get this straight,” Sandy again starts slowly. “You’ve only tutored Donna. Never been on a date. Never kissed. Never anything. But because she also says a phrase that Lindsay once said when you were sixteen, and she was a little on the- what did you call it? Condescending? That means she’s just like Lindsay, and you couldn’t possibly see anything in her. Otherwise, you’d be dating your aunt again.”
Ryan can see Sandy trying not to snicker, which wasn’t hard; given the fact Sandy isn’t doing a very good job at hiding it. “So what you’re really saying is you think Seth is right…”
“No!” Again Ryan finds himself almost shouting his answer. “I’m not saying Seth is right. I’m just saying…I mean, I think… I don’t know what I think.”
“Want to know what I think?” Sandy sounds serious as he places his hand back on Ryan’s shoulder.
That in turn makes Ryan snicker. Certainly of all of Sandy’s platitudes, “Want to know what I think” is the most rhetorical of them all. He’s going to tell Ryan what he thinks whether Ryan wants him to or not.
Naturally, Sandy continues despite Ryan’s snicker. “Well, I’m going to tell you anyway. We both know your relationship history is rocky at best. You’ve been serious with some pretty great girls, but circumstances have never been too kind to you. You broke up with Taylor this last time about a year ago. Since then, you’ve been with a whole slew of women including a few you know you’d never get past The Kirsten, trying desperately not to find anyone to care about past the night.”
Ryan again feels his face getting red as he looks down at the ground. With the Cohens living in Berkeley and Sandy working at the school, there is no way he can really hide the fact that he’s been sleeping around. Some things however, even in the Land of the Cohens, really should be kept a secret.
If Sandy notices Ryan’s discomfort, he doesn’t seem to care. “But you finally find someone who you may actually want to get to know better, and that scares the hell out of you. So you decide she’s too much like an old girlfriend, and you pick the one old girlfriend who you think would make it morally wrong to date.”
When Ryan furrows his eyebrows, trying to take in what Sandy has said, Sandy adds, “It’s either that, or Seth is right. You decide.”
“So? What do I do?”
Again, Sandy pats Ryan on his shoulder. “Talk to her. I know Donna said she’d be at the library tonight trying to study for midterms. Go talk to her.”
“And tell her what exactly? I mean I wouldn’t even begin to know how to try to explain everything to her.” Ryan can’t help his shoulders sagging. Sandy makes it sound so simple, but Ryan knows nothing is ever that easy.
“Tell her however little or however much you want. It’s your story to tell. But remember one thing -- any lasting relationship is built on trust.” Sandy puts his arm around Ryan as they begin to leave the classroom.
“You know,” Ryan says, “she could tell me to go to hell.”
“Or,” Sandy counters, “she could look deep into your eyes and say, ‘Ryan, just shut up and kiss me.’ There’s only one way to find out.”
Later that night, as Ryan attempts to explain the whole mess to Donna, he’s actually a little disappointed that she doesn’t tell him to kiss her. But at least she doesn’t tell him to go to hell either.
She does finally kiss him when she receives a “B+” in calculus - something she didn’t think would have been possible.
Since meeting Donna, Ryan hasn't had the urge for random sex acts of not finding the one. In fact, thanks to Sandy, he might just have found The One.
The End.
Much thanks to finlee for the fixer-uppers, and to ctoan who also corrected my grammer stupids and changed my last sentence to make it better.
And for organizing this challange and totally making it due on her birthday!!!!!
Just call me Chedder. Gimme a minute and I'll post the other one - don't know how to post more than one story on one post (Computer stoopid is difficult)