Ups and downs
well, not really sure what to write. lots of emotions going on for me. It's been a tough, emotional weekend. Things are changing... guess they always are, but sometimes it seems a little more obvious than other times.
Life has so many up and downs, twist and turns... if you step back and look at it all, it can be intresting to see where things go. Being in the middle of it, not so much fun. Sometimes it can be though. Life isn't all dark and gloomy. There are many things to find joy in and be thankful for. We of course have to be open to them, and not let our selves sleep into a deep pit of muck. Sometimes it's easy to just sit there and wallow in our pain. I know I have done it many times in my life, so certainly not speaking as if I have never been, bathing in the mud. I think probably most of my life I have been there, well, at least the last 10 years. I have learned a lot to get myself out of the muck. Guess being stuck in it, you gotta learn how to get out evidentually. But that also doesn't mean that I choose to get out now, that I know how to. I still find myself sinking in, and making my home there. Kinda silly when you step back and look at it. Why would one choose to be miserable?? This isn't the first time I have wrestled with this question, and I could give many answers. Just still puzzles me. Sometimes it makes me want to shake myself and say, "what are you doing?!!" I frustrate myself many times.
George started me on a new med. The first day, I noticed this huge rush, felt like a kid trying to sleep on Christmas eve, felt like someone came behind me as I tried to pedal up a steep hill and give me push... then anxiety stepped in... kinda freaked and took ativan. George said isn't gonna work if have to take ativan, but we decided to try it another day. He said a little bit of anxiety is okay, and will drop out as my body adust to the med. Second day I took it, I was fine. No anxiety. Dry mouth was my biggest complain. I did go walk at Green Lake that day, and did notice have a little more energy to get around the lake. Actually, broke out in a sweat. Today, haven't really noticed much.. not affects negative or positive. Talked to George today, and said to double the dose, I am still on a very low dose, so we are gonna try to double it. I doubled it for the afternoon, and didn't notice anything... so we'll see. I hope it helps.. I guess it has some. It's been an incredibly hard weekend, and I have been taking care of myself, and dealing with things... for the most part, not perfect of course. So, maybe med is giving the energy to handle things a little more and not react so quickly out of emotion. I don't know...
Eating as been a struggle. This med can cause lack of appetite, which hasn't happen, just ed stuff. Lost a little bit of weight.
I am tired, and not looking forward to unpacking and stuff. I know I can do it. Gonna play some tunes and get it done. Gonna get rid of a lot of stuff.
Emailed with Judy today. She gave me an assignment. Told me to get a piece of paper and write: "God, I want to tell you the things on my heart.." She said to write all things things I wanted to tell God, anything... then she said to write to God about what I need, ask him for help.... it kinda helped. i spilled my guts, wrote concerns, feeling, questions, then wrote about things I need help with or that my heart desires. Also wrote the But God part... The but God, I know you will get me through... Like in the Psalms, David always ends with praising God. He pours out his emotions, sometimes questioning God and upset, but always brings it back to God's glory and faithfulness.
John 15:1-17 feels like it applies... God pruning me, getting rid of the bad fruit, telling me apart from him I am nothing... It's good. I encourage people to read it. I know God is constantly pruning us, sometimes way more obvious than others... And sometimes we fight it pretty hard, which just makes the pruning take longer and more painful. Speaking from experience here. :O)
Life has so many up and downs, twist and turns... if you step back and look at it all, it can be intresting to see where things go. Being in the middle of it, not so much fun. Sometimes it can be though. Life isn't all dark and gloomy. There are many things to find joy in and be thankful for. We of course have to be open to them, and not let our selves sleep into a deep pit of muck. Sometimes it's easy to just sit there and wallow in our pain. I know I have done it many times in my life, so certainly not speaking as if I have never been, bathing in the mud. I think probably most of my life I have been there, well, at least the last 10 years. I have learned a lot to get myself out of the muck. Guess being stuck in it, you gotta learn how to get out evidentually. But that also doesn't mean that I choose to get out now, that I know how to. I still find myself sinking in, and making my home there. Kinda silly when you step back and look at it. Why would one choose to be miserable?? This isn't the first time I have wrestled with this question, and I could give many answers. Just still puzzles me. Sometimes it makes me want to shake myself and say, "what are you doing?!!" I frustrate myself many times.
George started me on a new med. The first day, I noticed this huge rush, felt like a kid trying to sleep on Christmas eve, felt like someone came behind me as I tried to pedal up a steep hill and give me push... then anxiety stepped in... kinda freaked and took ativan. George said isn't gonna work if have to take ativan, but we decided to try it another day. He said a little bit of anxiety is okay, and will drop out as my body adust to the med. Second day I took it, I was fine. No anxiety. Dry mouth was my biggest complain. I did go walk at Green Lake that day, and did notice have a little more energy to get around the lake. Actually, broke out in a sweat. Today, haven't really noticed much.. not affects negative or positive. Talked to George today, and said to double the dose, I am still on a very low dose, so we are gonna try to double it. I doubled it for the afternoon, and didn't notice anything... so we'll see. I hope it helps.. I guess it has some. It's been an incredibly hard weekend, and I have been taking care of myself, and dealing with things... for the most part, not perfect of course. So, maybe med is giving the energy to handle things a little more and not react so quickly out of emotion. I don't know...
Eating as been a struggle. This med can cause lack of appetite, which hasn't happen, just ed stuff. Lost a little bit of weight.
I am tired, and not looking forward to unpacking and stuff. I know I can do it. Gonna play some tunes and get it done. Gonna get rid of a lot of stuff.
Emailed with Judy today. She gave me an assignment. Told me to get a piece of paper and write: "God, I want to tell you the things on my heart.." She said to write all things things I wanted to tell God, anything... then she said to write to God about what I need, ask him for help.... it kinda helped. i spilled my guts, wrote concerns, feeling, questions, then wrote about things I need help with or that my heart desires. Also wrote the But God part... The but God, I know you will get me through... Like in the Psalms, David always ends with praising God. He pours out his emotions, sometimes questioning God and upset, but always brings it back to God's glory and faithfulness.
John 15:1-17 feels like it applies... God pruning me, getting rid of the bad fruit, telling me apart from him I am nothing... It's good. I encourage people to read it. I know God is constantly pruning us, sometimes way more obvious than others... And sometimes we fight it pretty hard, which just makes the pruning take longer and more painful. Speaking from experience here. :O)