doubts, disappontment, and depression
Today has been okay, I guess. I feel depressed though. I have been so, so tired. Been sleeping so much. Went to lunch with Karen. It was good. We talked a little about me moving here. She told me to really make sure it is where God wants me, and not to make sure quick decison based on emotion or logic. Really make sure it's of God. She also reminded me that living here would be much different from visiting here. She said most the people I have been seeing, I probably wouldn't see much of. That they have friends and lives and are busy. She said they don't really see many graduates, and me being at Mercy like I have would be rare too. I do know this, and have thought about it. But guess, I have been thinking about it more lately. I just don't know what to do about moving. It scares me, and excites me. Karen is right though, I would have to do exactly what I would have to do in Seattle to build my life up. People can help me some, but I have to be the one to find a church, small group, friends, accountabilty, make good choices, reach out, and of course the most important to keep pursuing God with all I have.
Just have some disappointment I guess, not sure why or how to explain it. It was such a high when I first came here. Felt like this overwheliming relief, all this forgiveness and love, this heaviness lift off of me, hope just pouring in. I was feeling so hopeless before I left, so heavy and lost, confused and frustrated, empty, cold, lost, unloveded, drained. When I got here I just felt refreshed. But living here is going to be like at home. Everyday living I mean. There will be ups and downs, that is just part of life. How I choose to handle it will not be differnt depending on what state I live in. My choices will determine how my life will go.
I guess being here, there are more people to uplift me, more christans I would be surrounded by to help me get stronger, and face things I need to face. But really God is the one I need to determing most on, and He is not just here in TN.
I don't know if I am being attacked by the enemy or what. He has no power over me. God is my strenth and protector. I can do all things through Christ. All things are possible.
In my mind today, at least part of it, I keep thinking of going back to my old ways. Crawling up in my corner, sitting there hair in my face not looking at anyone, going deeper and deeper into my own messed up world. Into the darkness, the intesing, luring darkness that promises false security and comfort. Of course that is all a big fat LIE. That is the enemy trying to pull me down. God must have something great for me for the enemy to fight so hard to pull me down. I am strong in Christ. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.
I know my purpose is in God, that I will find my purpose in Him. And also at the same time I am not sure what that is. What does that look like? How long am I going to let fear old me back? It's a choice and I hate that. I hate that this is something I keep choosing. It is so frustrating. Of course it means I can change, which is good, but it still frustrates me and makes me so MAD!!!!!
I don't know what to do? What do I do when I go home? Where do I belong there? Where do I belong here?
Do I still go forward with DSHS? Do I look for a therapist? Do I get a job? Do I help A? What does that look like? Do I look for a new small group? Get more accountablity at Church? What do I do God??
I want to pursue what you want God, but I am scared. Please calm my fears and let me hear what you want. Open my ears and heart and let me do what you want. Help me walk strong and not let fear hold me back. Bind my emotions, so that when I make my decisons that it is not lead my my emotions. I love you God. I am scared though. I know I can do it afraid, and I will. But I won't deny that I am afraid. You know that anyway, so why try to hide it from you. Please God, I cling to you. Please hold me in your arms and calm my fears. Amen
Just have some disappointment I guess, not sure why or how to explain it. It was such a high when I first came here. Felt like this overwheliming relief, all this forgiveness and love, this heaviness lift off of me, hope just pouring in. I was feeling so hopeless before I left, so heavy and lost, confused and frustrated, empty, cold, lost, unloveded, drained. When I got here I just felt refreshed. But living here is going to be like at home. Everyday living I mean. There will be ups and downs, that is just part of life. How I choose to handle it will not be differnt depending on what state I live in. My choices will determine how my life will go.
I guess being here, there are more people to uplift me, more christans I would be surrounded by to help me get stronger, and face things I need to face. But really God is the one I need to determing most on, and He is not just here in TN.
I don't know if I am being attacked by the enemy or what. He has no power over me. God is my strenth and protector. I can do all things through Christ. All things are possible.
In my mind today, at least part of it, I keep thinking of going back to my old ways. Crawling up in my corner, sitting there hair in my face not looking at anyone, going deeper and deeper into my own messed up world. Into the darkness, the intesing, luring darkness that promises false security and comfort. Of course that is all a big fat LIE. That is the enemy trying to pull me down. God must have something great for me for the enemy to fight so hard to pull me down. I am strong in Christ. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.
I know my purpose is in God, that I will find my purpose in Him. And also at the same time I am not sure what that is. What does that look like? How long am I going to let fear old me back? It's a choice and I hate that. I hate that this is something I keep choosing. It is so frustrating. Of course it means I can change, which is good, but it still frustrates me and makes me so MAD!!!!!
I don't know what to do? What do I do when I go home? Where do I belong there? Where do I belong here?
Do I still go forward with DSHS? Do I look for a therapist? Do I get a job? Do I help A? What does that look like? Do I look for a new small group? Get more accountablity at Church? What do I do God??
I want to pursue what you want God, but I am scared. Please calm my fears and let me hear what you want. Open my ears and heart and let me do what you want. Help me walk strong and not let fear hold me back. Bind my emotions, so that when I make my decisons that it is not lead my my emotions. I love you God. I am scared though. I know I can do it afraid, and I will. But I won't deny that I am afraid. You know that anyway, so why try to hide it from you. Please God, I cling to you. Please hold me in your arms and calm my fears. Amen