Still crazy after all these years
Well, it's going to be hard to write, thinking that I may have someone reading this again... But I'd love to start again.
Having scanned through the entirety of this journal again, I realize some things. I have changed, but I'm still the same. Sometimes it's hard to connect the dots between my Michigan youth, my Florida coming-of-age, and my California start-of-adulthood. They just feel like different lives, with different faces and different feelings. I wish there were more threads to connect them all, so that it felt more like one continuous life and I didn't have to 'change gears' when differentiating between eras.
I digress.
I do regret having not written much, if any, during the time that Montana and I were together. It would have been interesting to see how I, at first, didn't want to date her because I thought she was too young, and how she made me always feel like an idiot about my dreams and choice of career, and how I thought I was in love with her, and how she had all but convinced me that I was going to have to marry her to stay with her, and how broken I felt after she changed her mind so quickly, and how I decided to recover from three years of being with someone that I ultimately realized was absolutely the wrong person. Someday we'll know why Samson loved Delilah, after all.
I still do believe that everything happens for a reason, and on a long enough timeline, everything makes an ironic, bittersweet, and sometimes hilarious kind of sense. It's funny to wake up one day and see something that has been right in front of you for so long that seems to make sense. And it's good to know that I can still be blindsided (in a good way) about some things.
In a less cryptic topic, I'm now coming around the bend of being in Los Angeles for five years now. And still feeling like I'm clawing for that bottom rung on the ladder. I've been shooting for Last Call- concerts mostly- which I love doing, but a) it doesn't happen enough and I'm dancing along the poverty line, and b) the show is taking its final gasping breaths. In a few months, it probably won't be getting picked up.
So here I am, at an empasse. Where do I go from here? Will that job come along? Will I start a job I hate so I can pay my bills and do creative stuff in my free time? Will I ever do another New 30 episode? Will I actually have my shit together by the time I'm 30?
Doubt it. But hey. It's been a hell of a ride so far, hasn't it? Matt, you've lived a life that no one in the history of existence has ever lived or will ever live again. It hasn't been easy, but you wouldn't trade it for the world. Don't forget it.
Oh, and write more often.
-M
Having scanned through the entirety of this journal again, I realize some things. I have changed, but I'm still the same. Sometimes it's hard to connect the dots between my Michigan youth, my Florida coming-of-age, and my California start-of-adulthood. They just feel like different lives, with different faces and different feelings. I wish there were more threads to connect them all, so that it felt more like one continuous life and I didn't have to 'change gears' when differentiating between eras.
I digress.
I do regret having not written much, if any, during the time that Montana and I were together. It would have been interesting to see how I, at first, didn't want to date her because I thought she was too young, and how she made me always feel like an idiot about my dreams and choice of career, and how I thought I was in love with her, and how she had all but convinced me that I was going to have to marry her to stay with her, and how broken I felt after she changed her mind so quickly, and how I decided to recover from three years of being with someone that I ultimately realized was absolutely the wrong person. Someday we'll know why Samson loved Delilah, after all.
I still do believe that everything happens for a reason, and on a long enough timeline, everything makes an ironic, bittersweet, and sometimes hilarious kind of sense. It's funny to wake up one day and see something that has been right in front of you for so long that seems to make sense. And it's good to know that I can still be blindsided (in a good way) about some things.
In a less cryptic topic, I'm now coming around the bend of being in Los Angeles for five years now. And still feeling like I'm clawing for that bottom rung on the ladder. I've been shooting for Last Call- concerts mostly- which I love doing, but a) it doesn't happen enough and I'm dancing along the poverty line, and b) the show is taking its final gasping breaths. In a few months, it probably won't be getting picked up.
So here I am, at an empasse. Where do I go from here? Will that job come along? Will I start a job I hate so I can pay my bills and do creative stuff in my free time? Will I ever do another New 30 episode? Will I actually have my shit together by the time I'm 30?
Doubt it. But hey. It's been a hell of a ride so far, hasn't it? Matt, you've lived a life that no one in the history of existence has ever lived or will ever live again. It hasn't been easy, but you wouldn't trade it for the world. Don't forget it.
Oh, and write more often.
-M