wierd
i think i'm kinda coming down from this intense weekend. Saturday night's play (which i have yet to write about) was very intense and i normally am down for the next two days after big scenes. But if where i'm at now is "down", i'll buy that for a dollar!
i'm still awe struck & dumbfounded by how i can be sad that NNG is leaving and at the same time so happy to have met her and that (in some way) she may stay in my life. We stumbled upon this safeguard: bars. Bars close at 2. GTFOut! So we're limited to talking until 2. Then last night, i drove nng to her home and didn't go up. Even though i think i would have just passed out, who knows?! We'd be up talking/beating/screwing until 5 or 6 AGAIN and absolutely miserable today!
nng, me, and my mind:
Last nite, we did the impossible: we saw each other for 2 hours. AMAZING. Well, i couldn't help it much, as i was really draggin yesterday. From the running and all the intense Saturday night play (which i have yet to write about), my whole body is sore and aching. Still is today. Muscles i didn't know i have are sore! Chest, abs, arms, outer sides of my back, thighs, calves, bottoms of my feet. Everywhere!
So last nite, i met nng at a cool local bar. The bar normally isn't so loud, but they had a band playing, which almost gave me a headache. i was absolutely out of energy and also a bit food deprived, so i was in survival mode. i got an Asian Chicken Salad from Jack-in-the-Hole and ate that at the bar. NNG and i had an amazing talk, which led to another break-through for me afterwards.
me and ADD
i like talking with nng as much as i like playing with her as much as i like making love with her. We were talking about exchanging thoughts and ideas and she set up a boundary because it was too romantic for our relationship and she felt that to be sacred. She was really apologetic about it but i said not to be. Did i get what i wanted? No. And i was ok with that. Knowing the reason and that this reason was founded upon integrity made her decision absolute and holy. What feelings i did have weren't accompanied by phyisiologial response. Meaning, my gut didn't mind at all. It didn't make me sad or anything. OK, cool.
We kept talking... the conversation turned towards the rules thing. i asked her if we had talked about how the book mentioned ADD and "rules"... she said no, so i elaborated. One human aspect which ADD people tend to take to an extreme is a stubborn like adherance to rules as we see them based on our overly strict sense of integrity. Then i talked about things in my life where this other part of me comes out ... and how i loathe and detest hypocracy. i believe a goodly bit of why i left the military was out of inconsistent ethics, double standards, and all the hypocracy.
Afterwards, NNG decided that she could give me an altered version of my earlier request ... one that was about and based from our friendship. This was really sweet... it touched me so. For this project is related to my emotional development. i really look up to her intelligence and wisdom and am going to miss talking to her greatly. (yeah, phones and e-mail are nice, but i really like real life because i can feel peoples' energies)
We wound down our evening and before we parted, i realized another way that i can have multiple channels. i talked about having congruent mixed (and opposing) emotions about the same thing. Now, it dawns on me how NNG is an important friend in my life. Now i realize that what i think is my extreme and intense love for her is possibly mingling with how stringly i value her as a friend. Now i realize our relationship has mutliple channels... friendship, sex, and SM. i never noticed this before within myself. It is very well possible the romantic love i felt for her may have been rolled up in with the love of a friendship. Given my incredible confusion from a week ago today, this could absolutely be possible.
Example of ADD: just now, i thought of another topic of life to go on about with respect to me and ADD so i jotted down a note on a small piece of paper already filled up with small notes for me not to forget. Damn, and just thought of another thing i had forgotten! - gotta make a phone call.
Wow ... i'm very revved up emotionally right now. i feel like i should be crying about something but can't pin down what over or why. i believe that everything is good right now and that everything will be good looking forward... ???
OK, back to post...
Through my multichannel breakthrough, i also realized how i have a borg-like integration with people in my life. Meaning: we'll meet. i like your energy and how you live. Then i see how many aspects of my life in which we can share. Looking at my past, i believe i have driven away people by overwhelming them with how i seem to latch on. *sigh* Well, the origin of this within me ... and the spirit in which it is intended but occasionally not realized is that i do this in the "community" spirit. The more i learn about you, the more i may be able to learn from you AND the more that i may be able to help improve YOUR life. i love sharing and giving. i am often a teacher or mentor. i love helping others to grow or improve. If i have some knowledge i consider simple or fundamental in one of my specialties, i'll freely share with others to help.
i've done this with friends trying to start businesses. As they'll find out, you get to go through the entire process every time you move or especially if you restructure the legal entity you're operating under.
Music
So yesterday, i was at my shop and washed my car and the work truck. Tomorrow is another huge ass trip (oh - gotta go make a news note about that, brb) and while i was washing the vehicles behind the shop, i had my awesome media arrangement blasting out the back of the place. Coldplay's God Put a Smile Upon Your Face came on and i was working up a sweat scrubbing on the cars when it dawned on me that the song could be sung about me... opposite of how i applied it to NNG's smile. That was how i felt god must have put that smile on her face because it always makes me happy. i'll have to look in to that.
btw, my request to NNG that pushed up a boundary was that i asked her to give to me a playlist of songs that to her, represented us. AFTER our discourse about boundaries, friendship, integrity and all that, AND when i thought it was all done, she said she would do a mix tape of songs she thought i'd like. :D Yaay. That will be fun because i like insight into her mind. And yeah, it won't have quite the same meaning as the mp3 gift i gave her. But i can live with that.
Overall
i'm pondering the possibility that i may need to completely overhaul what my emotions are. i'll need to reassess what i call each emotion now and analyze it to be sure what i'm feeling really IS that particular emotion. i suspect some of the dischord in my prior relations stems from this, too. And i look forward to separating out multiple emotions stacked upon the same feeling... as this has the potential to remove angst and pain from my head. Example: how i mingled into "love" to nng: friendship, love, her psychotherapy/healing for me, and how she teaches me about theater and Shakespeare.
:)
i'm still awe struck & dumbfounded by how i can be sad that NNG is leaving and at the same time so happy to have met her and that (in some way) she may stay in my life. We stumbled upon this safeguard: bars. Bars close at 2. GTFOut! So we're limited to talking until 2. Then last night, i drove nng to her home and didn't go up. Even though i think i would have just passed out, who knows?! We'd be up talking/beating/screwing until 5 or 6 AGAIN and absolutely miserable today!
nng, me, and my mind:
Last nite, we did the impossible: we saw each other for 2 hours. AMAZING. Well, i couldn't help it much, as i was really draggin yesterday. From the running and all the intense Saturday night play (which i have yet to write about), my whole body is sore and aching. Still is today. Muscles i didn't know i have are sore! Chest, abs, arms, outer sides of my back, thighs, calves, bottoms of my feet. Everywhere!
So last nite, i met nng at a cool local bar. The bar normally isn't so loud, but they had a band playing, which almost gave me a headache. i was absolutely out of energy and also a bit food deprived, so i was in survival mode. i got an Asian Chicken Salad from Jack-in-the-Hole and ate that at the bar. NNG and i had an amazing talk, which led to another break-through for me afterwards.
me and ADD
i like talking with nng as much as i like playing with her as much as i like making love with her. We were talking about exchanging thoughts and ideas and she set up a boundary because it was too romantic for our relationship and she felt that to be sacred. She was really apologetic about it but i said not to be. Did i get what i wanted? No. And i was ok with that. Knowing the reason and that this reason was founded upon integrity made her decision absolute and holy. What feelings i did have weren't accompanied by phyisiologial response. Meaning, my gut didn't mind at all. It didn't make me sad or anything. OK, cool.
We kept talking... the conversation turned towards the rules thing. i asked her if we had talked about how the book mentioned ADD and "rules"... she said no, so i elaborated. One human aspect which ADD people tend to take to an extreme is a stubborn like adherance to rules as we see them based on our overly strict sense of integrity. Then i talked about things in my life where this other part of me comes out ... and how i loathe and detest hypocracy. i believe a goodly bit of why i left the military was out of inconsistent ethics, double standards, and all the hypocracy.
Afterwards, NNG decided that she could give me an altered version of my earlier request ... one that was about and based from our friendship. This was really sweet... it touched me so. For this project is related to my emotional development. i really look up to her intelligence and wisdom and am going to miss talking to her greatly. (yeah, phones and e-mail are nice, but i really like real life because i can feel peoples' energies)
We wound down our evening and before we parted, i realized another way that i can have multiple channels. i talked about having congruent mixed (and opposing) emotions about the same thing. Now, it dawns on me how NNG is an important friend in my life. Now i realize that what i think is my extreme and intense love for her is possibly mingling with how stringly i value her as a friend. Now i realize our relationship has mutliple channels... friendship, sex, and SM. i never noticed this before within myself. It is very well possible the romantic love i felt for her may have been rolled up in with the love of a friendship. Given my incredible confusion from a week ago today, this could absolutely be possible.
Example of ADD: just now, i thought of another topic of life to go on about with respect to me and ADD so i jotted down a note on a small piece of paper already filled up with small notes for me not to forget. Damn, and just thought of another thing i had forgotten! - gotta make a phone call.
Wow ... i'm very revved up emotionally right now. i feel like i should be crying about something but can't pin down what over or why. i believe that everything is good right now and that everything will be good looking forward... ???
OK, back to post...
Through my multichannel breakthrough, i also realized how i have a borg-like integration with people in my life. Meaning: we'll meet. i like your energy and how you live. Then i see how many aspects of my life in which we can share. Looking at my past, i believe i have driven away people by overwhelming them with how i seem to latch on. *sigh* Well, the origin of this within me ... and the spirit in which it is intended but occasionally not realized is that i do this in the "community" spirit. The more i learn about you, the more i may be able to learn from you AND the more that i may be able to help improve YOUR life. i love sharing and giving. i am often a teacher or mentor. i love helping others to grow or improve. If i have some knowledge i consider simple or fundamental in one of my specialties, i'll freely share with others to help.
i've done this with friends trying to start businesses. As they'll find out, you get to go through the entire process every time you move or especially if you restructure the legal entity you're operating under.
Music
So yesterday, i was at my shop and washed my car and the work truck. Tomorrow is another huge ass trip (oh - gotta go make a news note about that, brb) and while i was washing the vehicles behind the shop, i had my awesome media arrangement blasting out the back of the place. Coldplay's God Put a Smile Upon Your Face came on and i was working up a sweat scrubbing on the cars when it dawned on me that the song could be sung about me... opposite of how i applied it to NNG's smile. That was how i felt god must have put that smile on her face because it always makes me happy. i'll have to look in to that.
btw, my request to NNG that pushed up a boundary was that i asked her to give to me a playlist of songs that to her, represented us. AFTER our discourse about boundaries, friendship, integrity and all that, AND when i thought it was all done, she said she would do a mix tape of songs she thought i'd like. :D Yaay. That will be fun because i like insight into her mind. And yeah, it won't have quite the same meaning as the mp3 gift i gave her. But i can live with that.
Overall
i'm pondering the possibility that i may need to completely overhaul what my emotions are. i'll need to reassess what i call each emotion now and analyze it to be sure what i'm feeling really IS that particular emotion. i suspect some of the dischord in my prior relations stems from this, too. And i look forward to separating out multiple emotions stacked upon the same feeling... as this has the potential to remove angst and pain from my head. Example: how i mingled into "love" to nng: friendship, love, her psychotherapy/healing for me, and how she teaches me about theater and Shakespeare.
:)