On marriage
Recently a good deal of my friends have gotten married. Some have been surprises, but most I've seen coming for a long time. Just last night, one of my good friends from my first few years in college got married. I've known his girlfriend since he met her, and I think it was the first girl he was ever serious with, so this marriage wasn't one of those surprise marriages.
On the way home, Adam and I had the typical conversation that takes place after seeing one of our best friends get married. Love, romance, girls in general, and the overall notion of marriage. I can recall back in high school and my first few years in college that I had two goals. First, publish a few bestselling novels. Second, find someone to spend the rest of my life with.
Over the years, though, I realize that my view of this concept of marriage has taken quite a different turn. I once believed that it was a safe haven, that it was somehow the be all and end all of life, a stereotypical cocoon of warmth and joy and happiness that would last forever. But as I watch more and more of my friends get married, then watch as that marriage becomes stale or completely falls apart, I grow more and more cynical toward this silly notion of "happiness". I wonder how any self-respecting man can agree to sell his life away, to agree to share everything that he has rightfully earned with somebody who very well may take it, use it, then divorce him after he's been bled dry of all his worth.
Sometimes I wonder if I should have been born in the '50's or '60's since I'm so old-fashioned on these matters. I still believe in dating, for God's sake. The word "marriage" seemed to be synonymous with "commitment" back then, but in these horribly faltering modern times I feel that there are now two definitions to be taken into account. First is the man's definition: Marriage is a guarantee that sex will be given regularly for the rest of your life. Second is the woman's definition: Marriage is a guarantee that income will be regularly provided for the rest of your life.
Let me say right now that I sincerely doubt that any of these "definitions" are conscious thoughts in the bride and groom, especially regarding my many friends who have been wed in the past year or so. However, I truly believe that these thoughts pervade every action in such a manner that it directly affects the outcome of the marriage. Marriage, to me, seems more and more like a shallow attempt to find peace and happiness in such a way as to not appear selfish. By claiming to devote one's life to another in a ceremony filled with glamor and frilly tablecloths and pretty bridesmaids, it distracts those witnessing from the selfish whims of those standing at the altar. The cleverness behind it, though, is that not only does it distract those witnessing, but it also fools the couple who are exchanging rings in the same manner. They truly believe they are giving their lives to each other, but in reality they are giving up their freedoms in exchange for one small thing they feel is an overwhelming necessity. Sex. Security. To sum up this paragraph, marriage is an idealistic approach to satisfying already insatiable primal instincts--primal instincts that, I've observed, are at the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
My rambling on the subject also plays on a very primal instinct--fear. I'm not ashamed to admit that in my growing cynicism toward the subject, I've also begun to fear the very idea of marriage. Among my closest friends, I'm known as a patriot--I love the U.S., and I love the freedoms granted in being a citizen of this nation. To me, giving up those freedoms in exchange for anything is borderline psychotic. And since marriage is a willing concession of freedoms, I have trouble understanding why any man would agree to it, especially since in all the marriages I've observed, men do about 75% of all the compromising. And in these cases, "compromise" is synonymous with "concession of freedom".
It's quite possible that I'm just paranoid, or have trust issues. But it's hard to argue with the statistics--over 50% of all marriages in the U.S. are dissolved within eight years. Those numbers speak volumes, especially to somebody who has studied math extensively. Numbers don't lie. People do. Numbers don't need to make promises, but people are notorious for breaking them.
As such, I've made a promise to myself that if any woman decides she wants to marry, and I, for some reason, find good reason to concede, I will ditch some of my old-fashioned beliefs and ask for a prenuptial agreement. It sounds harsh, and it may even cost me her trust, but I think it's reasonable that if a woman asks for the security of marriage, a man should be able to ask of her the same thing. If love truly exists, and it exists between myself and this woman, then she should have no qualms regarding such an agreement, because she should never decide to break her promise.
I've actually discussed this with my parents and brothers. I could ask you to guess who said it was a good idea, but it's rather obvious that my dad and brothers would agree to this strategy. And in the same respect it's easy to determine who said it was a horrible idea, filled with mistrust and deception--my mom and my brother's wife. I don't think I'm jumping to conclusions when I say I gather from these discussions that marriage is a woman's conspiracy. It breaks down to a form of controlling one another, and agreeing on paper in front of a judge that certain freedoms will be abolished in order to gain a small amount of control over someone else's life.
To me, that isn't even a calculated risk. It's a foolish endeavor that can lead to nothing but the proverbial rock-bottom.
And here's the kicker--after all this rambling on about the dangers and horrors of marriage, I am catering to the primal instincts which serve as the very foundation of that questionable union. I have a date tonight with a girl who shares a mutual friend, and I suppose my discourse today is my attempt to flush out these insecurities and find some reason in eventually pursuing the notion of marriage. My final thought is that if I ever fall for the ruse of security hidden in marriage, my best defense against possible emotional annihilation is a prenuptial agreement.
But it's a traditional date, so I guess I'm still a little old-fashioned.
On the way home, Adam and I had the typical conversation that takes place after seeing one of our best friends get married. Love, romance, girls in general, and the overall notion of marriage. I can recall back in high school and my first few years in college that I had two goals. First, publish a few bestselling novels. Second, find someone to spend the rest of my life with.
Over the years, though, I realize that my view of this concept of marriage has taken quite a different turn. I once believed that it was a safe haven, that it was somehow the be all and end all of life, a stereotypical cocoon of warmth and joy and happiness that would last forever. But as I watch more and more of my friends get married, then watch as that marriage becomes stale or completely falls apart, I grow more and more cynical toward this silly notion of "happiness". I wonder how any self-respecting man can agree to sell his life away, to agree to share everything that he has rightfully earned with somebody who very well may take it, use it, then divorce him after he's been bled dry of all his worth.
Sometimes I wonder if I should have been born in the '50's or '60's since I'm so old-fashioned on these matters. I still believe in dating, for God's sake. The word "marriage" seemed to be synonymous with "commitment" back then, but in these horribly faltering modern times I feel that there are now two definitions to be taken into account. First is the man's definition: Marriage is a guarantee that sex will be given regularly for the rest of your life. Second is the woman's definition: Marriage is a guarantee that income will be regularly provided for the rest of your life.
Let me say right now that I sincerely doubt that any of these "definitions" are conscious thoughts in the bride and groom, especially regarding my many friends who have been wed in the past year or so. However, I truly believe that these thoughts pervade every action in such a manner that it directly affects the outcome of the marriage. Marriage, to me, seems more and more like a shallow attempt to find peace and happiness in such a way as to not appear selfish. By claiming to devote one's life to another in a ceremony filled with glamor and frilly tablecloths and pretty bridesmaids, it distracts those witnessing from the selfish whims of those standing at the altar. The cleverness behind it, though, is that not only does it distract those witnessing, but it also fools the couple who are exchanging rings in the same manner. They truly believe they are giving their lives to each other, but in reality they are giving up their freedoms in exchange for one small thing they feel is an overwhelming necessity. Sex. Security. To sum up this paragraph, marriage is an idealistic approach to satisfying already insatiable primal instincts--primal instincts that, I've observed, are at the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
My rambling on the subject also plays on a very primal instinct--fear. I'm not ashamed to admit that in my growing cynicism toward the subject, I've also begun to fear the very idea of marriage. Among my closest friends, I'm known as a patriot--I love the U.S., and I love the freedoms granted in being a citizen of this nation. To me, giving up those freedoms in exchange for anything is borderline psychotic. And since marriage is a willing concession of freedoms, I have trouble understanding why any man would agree to it, especially since in all the marriages I've observed, men do about 75% of all the compromising. And in these cases, "compromise" is synonymous with "concession of freedom".
It's quite possible that I'm just paranoid, or have trust issues. But it's hard to argue with the statistics--over 50% of all marriages in the U.S. are dissolved within eight years. Those numbers speak volumes, especially to somebody who has studied math extensively. Numbers don't lie. People do. Numbers don't need to make promises, but people are notorious for breaking them.
As such, I've made a promise to myself that if any woman decides she wants to marry, and I, for some reason, find good reason to concede, I will ditch some of my old-fashioned beliefs and ask for a prenuptial agreement. It sounds harsh, and it may even cost me her trust, but I think it's reasonable that if a woman asks for the security of marriage, a man should be able to ask of her the same thing. If love truly exists, and it exists between myself and this woman, then she should have no qualms regarding such an agreement, because she should never decide to break her promise.
I've actually discussed this with my parents and brothers. I could ask you to guess who said it was a good idea, but it's rather obvious that my dad and brothers would agree to this strategy. And in the same respect it's easy to determine who said it was a horrible idea, filled with mistrust and deception--my mom and my brother's wife. I don't think I'm jumping to conclusions when I say I gather from these discussions that marriage is a woman's conspiracy. It breaks down to a form of controlling one another, and agreeing on paper in front of a judge that certain freedoms will be abolished in order to gain a small amount of control over someone else's life.
To me, that isn't even a calculated risk. It's a foolish endeavor that can lead to nothing but the proverbial rock-bottom.
And here's the kicker--after all this rambling on about the dangers and horrors of marriage, I am catering to the primal instincts which serve as the very foundation of that questionable union. I have a date tonight with a girl who shares a mutual friend, and I suppose my discourse today is my attempt to flush out these insecurities and find some reason in eventually pursuing the notion of marriage. My final thought is that if I ever fall for the ruse of security hidden in marriage, my best defense against possible emotional annihilation is a prenuptial agreement.
But it's a traditional date, so I guess I'm still a little old-fashioned.